Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh look. It's pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow without any paint on her face. Not bad, not bad. Actually, this is exactly how I prefer my Fishsticks. Greasy, organic and smug. If only I had a small bowl of tartar sauce.

I could also spend my entire afternoon playing "connect the pores" on her face. Endless hours of entertainment.

Fishy showed up to some boring shit at the Hamptons over the weekend. She didn't wear make-up just so she could hear everyone tell her, "OMG Fishy! You look so gorge without make-up." Blah. Blah.

Wait! Is that a glass of wine she's holding? Is that part of her daily diet of grass, wood chips and cloud water? She's in so much trouble if that isn't blueberry dirt juice.

Excerpts from Christopher Ciccone's tell-all on his sister Madonna are slowly being leaked. The book is supposed to be filled with "explosive" shit from Vadge's life, but so far it sounds about as explosive as a boiled carrot.

So far, the only interesting story is about Vadge and Fishsticks Paltrow tongue fucking at a party. According to Christopher, Vadge was dancing on top of a table at Donatella Versace's New Year's Eve party when she dragged Fishy up to join her. Suddenly, Vadge grabbed Fishy and kissed her on the mouth. Puke city! I'm sorry, but I do not like dried-up raisins with my fishsticks.

It's surprising that Fishsticks didn't end up in the emergency room. Vadge's buff ass tongue probably knocked half of Fishy's teefs out of her mouth. Seriously, Vadge's tongue could beat Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in a boxing match.

Chris Martin obviously drank too much douche water before an interview with BBC's Radio 4. Chris refuses to discuss his personal life including Fishsticks and his kids, but it sounds like he doesn't like talking about anything!

The show's host asked Chris a simple question about the new album, "Did you start with the song Viva La Vida and the idea within that song of the disposed dictator looking back at his life?" Chris immediately bitched, "I'm not really enjoying this. Can I have two minutes? 'I just don't like talking about things." That's what a fucking interview is?! Did he think it was going to be a circle jerk at Disneyland?!

Chris then got out of his chair and walked out leaving the interview. He probably went to call Fishsticks and cry about how he's "misunderstood."

Chris finally returned to the interview, but didn't fully answer any questions. When the host asked another question about his music, Chris replied, "Um... yes... yes, yes ... exactly."

In Chris' defense, you'd probably act this grouchy if you had to look at Fishy's face every single morning! Those two delusional twats love themselves way too much. This bitch needs to pull the Van de Kamp butt plug out of his ass, smile like a pretty girl and answer every question without being an ass about it.

Source: OK! Magazine

Fishsticks Paltrow has been everywhere promoting that "Iron Man" movie, so it was just a matter of time before someone asked her about her ex, Brad Pitt. OK! Magazine popped the question to Fishy at her movie's Hollywood premiere last night. They asked her if she had any well wishes for Brad, Angelina and their unborn chosen ones. Fishy answered, "No!" Throw that Fishy back in the water. What a grouch.

Fishy is just playing it safe. She knows that if says anything slightly negative, her life would be in danger. The Brangaloonies would swoop in and skin Fishy alive.

Here's Fishy wearing my mom's jumpsuit from the 70s last night. That jumpsuit is making it look like her crotch is in her stomach.

Fishsticks Paltrow told Vogue Magazine (via Us) that after she suffered from post-partum depression after giving birth to Moses. She was probably feeling guilty for naming the poor kid, Moses. Rightly so.

Fishy said, “I didn’t know I had it until after it was over. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt really out of my body. I felt really disconnected. I felt really down ... I felt pessimistic.”

That's the way I feel every fucking day, Fishy! It's called not being rich and famous. Most of the "regular people" of the world feel that way. That's why we booze, watch reality TV and have sex with strangers.

Fishy thinks the depression came, because she had to scale back on pre-baby shit like acupuncture. This bitch is into acupuncture? She needs to come visit me. I'll gladly stick needles in her ass. It will help us both out.

Here's some pictures of Fishy hanging her head in shame while going to the gym with Madonna. Just two British ladies on their way to afternoon tea. Cheerio!

Madonna recently said that her hubby, Guy Ritchie, went on the cookie diet which made him not want to do sexy times with her. COOKIE DIET?! It's not as good as it sounds. I mean, I'm already on the fucking cookie diet and I haven't lost any weight. My cookie diet involves eating as many boxes as you can in one day.

The real cookie diet sucks. You eat one meal per day and that's dinner. You eat up to six cookies per day when you're feeling hungry. Six cookies plus one meal of chicken or fish equals 800 calories. If you can only eat 6 cookies in one day, you have major issues.

Madonna said, "My husband went on that cookie diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex. He's not on it anymore, thank god! He did lose weight but he didn't really need to lose that much weight. I think he did it because all his friends were doing it and he wanted to see if he could do it."

Something tells me Guy only went on the cookie diet to avoid having to eat Madge's cookie.

Here's some pics of Vadge with the other fake Brit, Fishsticks, going to the gym together.

Fishsticks Paltrow was at a Breast Cancer Research event last night in NYC when she was asked about attending BeyBey's wedding to Jay-Z. The lying fishy answered, "What wedding? I was watching a movie on Friday night."

I can tell when Fishy lies. Her face scrunches up like a frigid, constipated trout. Oh, that's her regular face.

Here's more pics of Fishy looking like her mother's older sister last night with Liz Hurley. I also threw in a nearly perfect Padma Lakshmi.

Ashton Kutcher's 30th Birthday party at Socialista in NYC might have become a party for Hep instead! The New York City Health Department announced that a bartender at the joint tested positive for Hepatitis A. The bartender only worked three nights and one of those nights was February 7th, Ashton's Birthday party. The bartender also worked on the 8th and 11th. The Health Dept. has asked that everyone who attended the party get vaccinated right away.

Guests at Ashton's party included, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Madonna, Lucy Liu, Gwyneth Paltrow, Liv Tyler, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Salma Hayek and Roberto Cavalli.

Hep A is less serious form of Hep and will usually keep you in bed for a couple of weeks, but you won't die. The bartender reportedly caught it on a recent trip to Honduras.

A celebrity Hep scare and Paris Hilton isn't to blame?! She must be kind of bummed.

This is why it's so hard to eat delicious snacks at a bar. I'm so afraid of catching Hep A, but I can't help it. The snacks are so tasty even if they have a coating of Hep! That's probably what keeps them crunchy.

Source - Image: INFDaily.com

Fishsticks Paltrow and her husband, Chris Martin, may adopt a baby soon. Fishy spoke out about it at Madonna's Malawi shindig last week. Fishy said, “People who have a lot also often feel like they have a lot to give. I have a good friend who always says that if you’re a person of means at all, then you have to adopt because there are so many kids in the world who need homes.”

When asked if she would adopt a baby from Malawi like Madonna, she responded, “we might get one from Brooklyn. No baby is more helpless than another baby. And I’m a New York girl.”

A New York girl?! There's so many things wrong with that statement. First of all, she hasn't been a NYC anything since she was the actual age of a girl. At least 10 years ago. Second of all, NYC girls don't speak with fake British accents! Third of all, didn't she grow up in California?

This English WOMAN needs to make up her mind!

Now that's a present I never want to open up. I do love Fishsticks Paltrow's dress. It's pink, it has a big bow and I'm gay, so it all works out. I think she made an adult-sized version of one of her daughter's dresses. She needs to return those shoes to the Nine West factory outlet when she's done with them.

Fishy came out for Madonna's Malawi event last night, but who didn't?

Splash, Wenn, Wireimage