Gwyneth Paltrow

Variety reports that stoner goddess Charlize Theron has dropped out of yet another project (expect baby friend rumors in 3...2..). Charlize was supposed to rub her labia all over Nicole Kidman's forehead of steel in The Danish Girl, but Fishsticks Paltrow will get that privilege instead. Yes, The Botox Queen and the POOPmeister together on screen. Laxative stocks will drop!

In the movie, Nicky will don a dick to play Danish dude artiste Einar Wagner who made the entire world clutch their pearls after he traded his peen in for a poon. Fishsticks will play his wife and fellow artist Greta Wegener. Here's the synopsis from Coming Soon:

The film is based on the true story of Danish artists Einar (Kidman) and Greta Wegener (Paltrow). Their marriage took a sharp left turn after Einar stood in for an female model that Greta was set to paint. When their portraits became wildly popular in 1920s Copenhagen, Greta encouraged her husband to adopt the female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

It should be interesting to see how Nicky is going to play a real-life human dude. I mean, she has the wooden face to play Pinocchio, but lately she's not really believable as a breathing human (see Australia).

And on the next GOOP, Fishy will whip up an organic substitute to Nicky's favorite poison using her own bitch-flavored venom.

In this week's GOOP, Fishsticks Paltrow will teach us how to make an organic stew using clumps of Kate Bosworth's hair, Chris Martin's tongue and a dash of her own tears of anger (aka essence of cunty). Fishy will serve up this delicious entree in honor of Star Magazine's claims that Chris Martin is stepping out on her with Kate Bosworth. ESCANDALO! And Fishy knows exactly what that word means since she's like full Spanish.

Lainey Gossip got a hold of Star's new issue (out tomorrow), which tells the sordid tale of Chris' very public make-out session with Kate Bosworth. According to some witnesses, Chris and Kate flicked tongues at the U2 concert in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. They did it without a care in the world.

Spokeswhore for Fishy, Kate and Chris deny this shit.

If this is true, then I'm sure Fishy is so mad she could rub her titties in a bowl of preservatives. She wouldn't be mad that Chris is fucking around, but she would be angry that he got caught! Fishy probably doesn't care if Chris is doing ass sex down in the basement with a lima bean as long as her world continues to look perfect to the outside. Well, she would care if the lima bean wasn't 100% organic. But that's it.

And how can Kate Bosworth go from Alexander Skarsgard to Chris Martin?! Homegirl needs to work on her vagina's palette.

Self-proclaimed Spaniard Fishsticks Paltrows, or should I say Pescado Sticks, dressed up like a parched and constipated blue fin tuna to attend a fashion show in Madrid for designer Adolfo Dominguez yesterday. Fishy, who looked more severe than the stick up Heather Mills' a-hole, chi-chatted with the chicks around her. Now, Fishy says she's fluent in Spanish, but when she talks in any language we all hear the exact same thing: blahblahblahfartqueefblahqueefblahfart.

Fishy was probably yammering about GOOP this, GOOP that, GOOP here, GOOP there, etc... etc... While Fishy was farting at the mouth, every single person in the audience probably thought to themselves: "Coño!" JINX!

One of Fishsticks Paltrow's bosoms (you know she calls it that) tried to escape while she was going through the airport in her second home country of Spain (her words) yesterday with her son Moses. Fishsticks is all sorts of boring. Even her damn titty slips are G-rated! If you're going to pop a titty, make it count! None of these flesh bra shit.

Expect to see Fishy's guide to chichi flashing in the next issue of GOOP. Fishy will get Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama to give their tips on nipple slips.

Is this the face of a cunt who would intentionally destroy everything her husband has worked for just because she thinks he needs to dip his ass in other things like her? Well, Betty Confidential thinks it is. According to their sources, Fishsticks Paltrow wants her fellow cuntmeister husband to put Coldplay on pause, so that he can go and do his own thing.

Their source said, "Gwyneth has outright told Chris that he should consider going solo. She is busy doing all of her projects and she wants him to diversify as well. She doesn't have a problem with Coldplay, but she wants Chris to think about trying a solo album just to see if he likes it. When Gwyneth mentioned it, Chris was furious. He loves the band and he has no desire to change things right now. Chris basically ignored her and walked away."

To be fair, I think Chris completely ignores her ass anyway. When Fishy asks him if he wants steamed organic bird seed or cunt paella for dinner, Chris answers her by showing her his ass.

And I have a hard time believing this. Fishy could give a dinosaur's clit about what other bitches are doing. Fishy's nose is so far up her own ass that she simply can't be bothered to sniff at other people's shit.

Fishsticks Paltrow and Chris Martin snatched up the house next to theirs in London and are expanding the House of GOOP into a mega 33-room mansion.

Fishy's new pad will now have 8 rooms on the ground floor, six on the upper ground, five on the first floor and eight on the second. They are all adding a two-story extension which will house 3 bedrooms, a gym, a changing room and a bathroom.

The Daily Mail seems to think Fishy is biting off Vadge's idea, because she did the same thing a while ago, but the POOPY one really had no choice.

First of all, there were not enough rooms in her house to store all her jars of cuntiness and bullshit. Second of all, nobody in the house could sleep through the night, because Fishy's ego snores like a drunk walrus with allergies. Third of all, Fishy couldn't risk non-Goopers moving next door. If she sniffs even the slightest scent of anything that us peons feed on, she'll get the angries and takes out her frustrations by writing another GOOP post. Nobody wants that.

The giant cloud blocking everyone's sunshine on the set of Iron Man 2 was not ScarJo's gigantic chichi balls. No, apparently, Fishsticks Paltrow is the one who brought everyone down. A little while ago, I wrote some post about how Fishy and ScarJo didn't exchange friendship bracelets or become blood sisters while working together. Fox411 is now co-signing that rumor and adding that even the crew scurried like roaches every time the GOOP QUEEN entered the building.

A source said, "Gwyneth is extremely cool at work. She's just a step above professional, too snobby. Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn't outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn't ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth's choosing."

Fishy must be a real yeast infection of a person, because the crew liked hanging out with her dirty tampon husband instead! The source went on to yap, "Much of the crew didn't mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie."

In Fishy's defense, she didn't talk to Mrs. Ryan Reynolds, because ScarJo's tittays are fatty and filled with cholesterol. Fishy only surrounds herself with natural healthiness.

And I know these "Fishy is annoying" stories are a dime a dozen, but I really can't get enough of them. I can totally picture the crew having a zillion laughs with ScarJo when all of a sudden Fishy slithers into the room causing everyone to come down with the dry shits and cotton mouth. Bitch really knows how to eff up your bowel movements.

Today is Thursday, which means it's time for your weekly brain colonic, because the new issue of GOOP is out. Although, let's leave this week's newsletter alone (it's about books, blahg) and talk about an interview Fishsticks Paltrow gave to People Magazine at last night's Champions of Hope Benefit Gala in NYC. Cacaness.

Somebody needs to hand me a sharp needle, so that I can pop the gigantic fart bubble Fishy has been living in. This ho said that she's a gift box of OMGamazing information and that people get on their knees and thank every God for GOOP. Fishy queefed, “People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site. I love thinking about the letters, what I’m going to write about, what kind of information we can put in there.” You know where you need to put that information, Fishy? Fart to get a clue.

Seriously, what is she teaching the world?! How to roast a stupid ass dumb ugly chicken? Even Sandra Lee's drunk ass could probably teach us that. The keyword being "probably." And what's with this "grateful that it's free" mess? People who read every line of GOOP are paying dearly. They are paying with their soooooouuuuuuuuuuuuls. Seriously, ask for a receipt.

Here's a few pictures of Princess POOP last night wearing a dress decorated with Glamberace's glittery jizz load.

"Fast food" is when you get in your car, drive to the nearest drive-thru, order a number whatever and shove it down your throat while driving to the bar. That is fast food. Peeling the skin off potatoes (which is the worst chore in life), de-boning a chicken (it doesn't even sound sexy when Fishy says it) and mixing things is not FUCKING FAST FOOD. But it is to Fishsticks Paltrow. Oh, how I wish she'd eat real fast food from a place like White Castle, so she can turn inside out and slither down a drain.

In this 7-minute video for RHYMES WITH POOP, Fishy shows us how she makes a "quick" roast chicken and potato dinner when she gets home from work. What she meant is that she forces her maid to make it whenever her latest personal chef has to check into the loony bin after going crazy from listening to her annoying ass. However.....

I will say that Fishy on video doesn't make me want to stick lit matches in my eyes as much as Fishy on print does. I will give her that. And you know who else should give her something? Rachael Ray should send Fishy a giant basket of EVOO. Because thanks to Fishy, there's a person on the planet who makes olive oil sound even more stupid than Rachael. I mean, olivooooooyeeel? I can't.

And if you want to learn how to cook a delicious chicken dinner from a REAL star, skip to the 1:22 mark in the video below:

In this week's edition of Caca Soup For Your Soul, Fishsticks Paltrow tells us how she lost "extra pounds" by completing a three-week mostly-juice detox. Yeah, I don't know where lost this extra weight, because her mouth is fatter than ever. Here's what Fishy had to say:

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

Hey, Fishy, I asked my doctor (aka my dealer) and he said that you should take two doses of STFU-PM and call him in the morning. Okay, okay, I'm being hard on Fishy as usual. She's just trying to make the world a cleaner place, but she's really just making it a shittier one. LITERALLY. I mean, have you been on one of those detoxes? Your butt will turn into Niagara Falls. It will be a 24-hour feces party! It's not pretty. And there's a good chance your asshole will go raw and fall off. Nobody wants to be without a b-hole. Trust.

I tried to do that mess once, because my friend's daddy told me he did it for like 3-months and he started shitting out shiny mercury. Maybe he was pulling my nipple (not like that), but I wanted silver to come out of my ass too (it's the closest I'll get to butt sex with Anderson Cooper), so I gave it a shot. NEVER AGAIN. I nearly died after 12 hours. I have never wanted a greasy cheeseburger so bad in my life. I was so tempted to eat the paint off the walls with hot sauce. Before the day was through, I had consumed 2 McDonald's #1s. FAIL.

Fishy doesn't even give you the details for the detox. It's just a forum for that doctor dude to sell his crap inducers. If you want to feel like you've just gone on a three-week detox, just read the entire newsletter. All your insides will fall out of your butt.