Gwyneth Paltrow

Open wide, it's time for a large serving of CUNT STEW. Actually, this time it's CUNT PAELLA, because Fishsticks Paltrow is taking us to Spain! It's like her second home (Hell being her first). In true Fishsticks fashion, she couldn't just say "I LOVE SPAIN." No, she had to add that the United States sucks dirty ass, because there's not a building here that was made before 1991.

In an interview with the Associated Press (done entirely in Spanish, of course), Fishy yapped, "It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible. Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."

Fishsticks really knows EVERYTHING about Spain. On Sunday afternoons, Pedro Almodovar takes Spanish lessons from Fishy so he can be even more "Spanish-ier." It's true.

In possibly related news, the entire population of Spain just moved to Antarctica.

In the newest edition of Bowel Movement Weekly, Fishsticks Paltrow writes about a delightful cookie her good friends Katie Lee and William Joel - let's stop there. Yes, she called BILLY Joel "William." Ugh. Fishy totally calls Katie "Lady Katherine Lee," but decided that would be too much for us regular people to understand. Fishy probably calls everyone by their birth name. You know she calls her husband "Christopher Anthony." Christopher Anthony also has to greet her every time by gently kissing her hand while she curtsies. This bitch has been in way too many period pieces. It messed up her head.

And why is Fishsticks writing about cookies anyway? Out of all the things she could fuck with she chooses cookies! Only Fishsticks could make a cookie sound like a major asshole. "I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries – heaven." That cookie is a pretentious snob! If I tried to eat it, it would raise its chip at me. Good going, Fishy. You ruined cookies.

Fishstick Paltrow slithered onto the Tonight Show last night to barf about the all-knowing GOOP, but it was her greasy bones that got all the attention. During the first part of her talk with Conan, Fishy was all oiled up. Bitch's legs looked like two malnourished dildos covered in Crisco. Tommy Girl must have not been in town, because he would stormed the set and shoved her legs up his Scientolohole.

I'm guessing Fishy's stems were like that, because the wet oily POOP she's full of was starting to leak out of her pores when she started to talk. It happens often. One of her slaves must have wiped it up with an organic cashmere baby wipe during the commercial break, because her legs were caca grease free in the second part. Below is a clip of her slimy stems in motion:

SoupSoup VIA Gawker

Fishsticks Paltrow and Mrs. Ryan Reynolds are reportedly throwing each other deathly side-eyes left and right on the set of Iron Man 2. That's what The Sun claims anyway. According to them, Fishy is slapping herself in the nipples out of frustration, because ScarJo is getting all the attention from the crew on set. Um. Minor correction. ScarJo isn't getting all the attention, her 8th World Wonder chichis are. Moving on...

Some source says that Fishy just doesn't understand ScarJo's style. Fishy also has her guppy lips in a twist, because ScarJo gets to walk around in ho outfits while she has to wear boring ass suits. The source went on to say, “They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set. Gwyneth was looking forward to working with Emily Blunt, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

Poor little Poopy's jealous of ScarJo's magnificent breasteses! It's okay, Fishy. Don't be jealous of the rocks that she's got. Your husband is a bigger TIT than both of ScarJo's massive tittay balls combined.

You know, why is Fishy always such a cunt?! Why?! I'm going to blame all that birdseed and organic grass she eats! If ho ate a Rocky Road bar every now and again, she probably wouldn't be such a miserable bitch!

However, that doesn't mean I'm Team ScarJo. Nope. I'm Team RDJ Show Us That Dick Already!

Before signing on to do the movie Two Lovers, the biggest TIT of them all Fishsticks Paltrow had the director of the movie inspect her organic hush puppies to make sure they were okay for public viewing. The movie's director, James Gray, said Fishy called him into her trailer to have a look.

James told The Sun, “Gwyneth told me ‘I don't care about nudity, I'll give you everything you need. But I've had two children and I just don't think they look very good any more. Do me a favor, come into my trailer and I'll show them to you and if you think they look OK I'll do it.' So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”

I hope Fishy will cover this in her next issue of POOP! Need validation?! Ask some random film director to approve of your sloppy titty sacks so you can feel good about yourself.

Peep at Fishy's mini-dumpling after the jump. Bring the tartar sauce and JUMP!!!

In this week's edition of Tales From the Toilet, Fishsticks Paltrow enlightens us on how gossiping only brings evil energy into our lives. HOORAY! Bathe me in a tub full of hot evil energy! Evil energy rocks me to sleep every night. I'd rather be an evil gossiper than a snobby cunt who can't even let out a relaxing fart because a giant stick of delusional is shoved so far up her own ass. But forgive me, that's the evil energy talking.

Fishy gave an example in a blind item of sorts. Although, the co-star in this blind item has Johnny Depp's saliva all over her.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.

Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap...

Love,

Gwyneth

Here's to you choking on a bar of soap. Tonight, I will ask my own personal sage (my bong) to shed a little light on why Fishsticks is such a pretentious bitch!

Also, will somebody please tell Winona Ryder to get her klepto ass over here, so she can shoplift the stick out of Fishy's ass and shove it in her mouth. Please.

Fishsticks Paltrow probably has an arsenal of effed up baby names in her head that she's just dying to use, because apparently she's ready to have another baby. Fishy said that one day she looked down at her son Moses and thought to herself, "Oh, I don't want this to be the last two-year-old I have." Moses looked back at her and thought to himself, "Why is this bitch looking at me like that? And why did she name me Moses? And why is she making me drink this dandelion juice? Does she hate me?"

Fishy tells Now Magazine (via The Sun) that she might have one more baby, because being a mother completes her, “Motherhood enriches your life in the most incredible way. My children have given me a real life. They’ve opened up a new world to me. I never feel lonely, I never feel I don’t know what my purpose in life is any more.”

Fishy didn't need to have children in order to know what her purpose in life is. She should've just asked us! Her purpose in life is to annoy the fuck out of all of us and she's doing an A++++ job.

I want Fishy to have another guppy, just to see what she names the poor thing. I'm thinking Amram Papaya Martin. Or Lychee Jochebed Martin? Or Pharaoh Kiwano Martin? One of those.

GOOP is not only good for laughs, but if you're really constipated it will bring on the runs in a major way. Fishsticks Patrow's latest ODE TO ME newsletter is all about her fashion picks of the season. Yeah, I can hear your ass rumbling from here. It's ready to barf. Read a piece of this shit:

First of all, I never know what to wear in Los Angeles (are those pajamas??) and inexplicably, I am always freezing here. Having had a good look through the spring collections, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any sweeping changes. They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes. I am going to stick with the classics and update a few simple pieces that are easy to wear.

Don't stick to the classics, stick a fist in your mouth instead, Fishy!

Fishy goes on to show a bunch of ugly and boring shit from a Burberry dress to some stuff from TopShop. She only posted the TopShop shit for the little people. You know she doesn't even pick off her own toejam in that crap. Click here to see all of Fishy's choices.

Fishy also cleaned out her own closet and decided to put some of her throwaways on eBay. The proceeds from the auction will go to The Robin Hood Foundation. Fishy, being the dumbass that she is, fucked up the link to the auction and still hasn't fixed it. Click here to see that shit on eBay.

If you buy any of her crap, make sure you dip that shit in hot water mixed with a strong antibacterial soup before wearing. Pretentiousness might be contagious.

This is Vadge and Fishy at a Valentino party at the Oak Room in NYC last night. The Oak Room was temporarily renamed Lucifer's Tomb when these two assholes were there.

What in macrobiotic hell do these two smug cunts talk about? A better question would be, how did that room survive their ridiculousness? The insane amounts of pretentiousness blowing through that room is enough to strip the finish off all that wood. The wine in that glass probably quickly tried to evaporate itself, so it wouldn't have to listen to these two British rejects blather on about their perfect bowel movements, taut vaginas, GOOP and Kabbalalahahhaha. Even the terra cotta on Valentino's skin is about to crack off all over Anne Hathaway.

And I really think that Vadge is eating fetuses, because her skin is looking so toddler-like. That some Dumplings shit right there.

What fart bubbles are blowing out of Fishstick Paltrow's mouth today? Well, Fishy commented on the state of her co-star Joaquin Phoenix. Fishy worked with the king of the hobo rap circuit on his last movie. When asked about his new (and totally fake) career, Fishy told MTV (via People), "I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper. It seems kind of odd."

Fishy is friends with Jay-Z, so this makes her a professor of hip-hop. That's why it's no wonder that MTV asked her what advice she has for Joaquin, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe."

That is fucking excellent advice Fishy! No wonder you're the master at everything. You know, I think you should escort Joaquin to the projects. While he gets some authenticity, you can get your ass kicked! Maybe that will force the snobbery stick to finally fall out of your ass.

And for those of you that think Fishy was joking, this hag doesn't joke. Just read POOP. It's obvious that shit was created by a goopy bitch who doesn't have any sense of humor or reality.