Gwyneth Paltrow

Fishsticks Paltrow and Mrs. Ryan Reynolds are reportedly throwing each other deathly side-eyes left and right on the set of Iron Man 2. That's what The Sun claims anyway. According to them, Fishy is slapping herself in the nipples out of frustration, because ScarJo is getting all the attention from the crew on set. Um. Minor correction. ScarJo isn't getting all the attention, her 8th World Wonder chichis are. Moving on...

Some source says that Fishy just doesn't understand ScarJo's style. Fishy also has her guppy lips in a twist, because ScarJo gets to walk around in ho outfits while she has to wear boring ass suits. The source went on to say, “They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set. Gwyneth was looking forward to working with Emily Blunt, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

Poor little Poopy's jealous of ScarJo's magnificent breasteses! It's okay, Fishy. Don't be jealous of the rocks that she's got. Your husband is a bigger TIT than both of ScarJo's massive tittay balls combined.

You know, why is Fishy always such a cunt?! Why?! I'm going to blame all that birdseed and organic grass she eats! If ho ate a Rocky Road bar every now and again, she probably wouldn't be such a miserable bitch!

However, that doesn't mean I'm Team ScarJo. Nope. I'm Team RDJ Show Us That Dick Already!

Before signing on to do the movie Two Lovers, the biggest TIT of them all Fishsticks Paltrow had the director of the movie inspect her organic hush puppies to make sure they were okay for public viewing. The movie's director, James Gray, said Fishy called him into her trailer to have a look.

James told The Sun, “Gwyneth told me ‘I don't care about nudity, I'll give you everything you need. But I've had two children and I just don't think they look very good any more. Do me a favor, come into my trailer and I'll show them to you and if you think they look OK I'll do it.' So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”

I hope Fishy will cover this in her next issue of POOP! Need validation?! Ask some random film director to approve of your sloppy titty sacks so you can feel good about yourself.

Peep at Fishy's mini-dumpling after the jump. Bring the tartar sauce and JUMP!!!

In this week's edition of Tales From the Toilet, Fishsticks Paltrow enlightens us on how gossiping only brings evil energy into our lives. HOORAY! Bathe me in a tub full of hot evil energy! Evil energy rocks me to sleep every night. I'd rather be an evil gossiper than a snobby cunt who can't even let out a relaxing fart because a giant stick of delusional is shoved so far up her own ass. But forgive me, that's the evil energy talking.

Fishy gave an example in a blind item of sorts. Although, the co-star in this blind item has Johnny Depp's saliva all over her.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.

Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap...

Love,

Gwyneth

Here's to you choking on a bar of soap. Tonight, I will ask my own personal sage (my bong) to shed a little light on why Fishsticks is such a pretentious bitch!

Also, will somebody please tell Winona Ryder to get her klepto ass over here, so she can shoplift the stick out of Fishy's ass and shove it in her mouth. Please.

Fishsticks Paltrow probably has an arsenal of effed up baby names in her head that she's just dying to use, because apparently she's ready to have another baby. Fishy said that one day she looked down at her son Moses and thought to herself, "Oh, I don't want this to be the last two-year-old I have." Moses looked back at her and thought to himself, "Why is this bitch looking at me like that? And why did she name me Moses? And why is she making me drink this dandelion juice? Does she hate me?"

Fishy tells Now Magazine (via The Sun) that she might have one more baby, because being a mother completes her, “Motherhood enriches your life in the most incredible way. My children have given me a real life. They’ve opened up a new world to me. I never feel lonely, I never feel I don’t know what my purpose in life is any more.”

Fishy didn't need to have children in order to know what her purpose in life is. She should've just asked us! Her purpose in life is to annoy the fuck out of all of us and she's doing an A++++ job.

I want Fishy to have another guppy, just to see what she names the poor thing. I'm thinking Amram Papaya Martin. Or Lychee Jochebed Martin? Or Pharaoh Kiwano Martin? One of those.

GOOP is not only good for laughs, but if you're really constipated it will bring on the runs in a major way. Fishsticks Patrow's latest ODE TO ME newsletter is all about her fashion picks of the season. Yeah, I can hear your ass rumbling from here. It's ready to barf. Read a piece of this shit:

First of all, I never know what to wear in Los Angeles (are those pajamas??) and inexplicably, I am always freezing here. Having had a good look through the spring collections, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any sweeping changes. They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes. I am going to stick with the classics and update a few simple pieces that are easy to wear.

Don't stick to the classics, stick a fist in your mouth instead, Fishy!

Fishy goes on to show a bunch of ugly and boring shit from a Burberry dress to some stuff from TopShop. She only posted the TopShop shit for the little people. You know she doesn't even pick off her own toejam in that crap. Click here to see all of Fishy's choices.

Fishy also cleaned out her own closet and decided to put some of her throwaways on eBay. The proceeds from the auction will go to The Robin Hood Foundation. Fishy, being the dumbass that she is, fucked up the link to the auction and still hasn't fixed it. Click here to see that shit on eBay.

If you buy any of her crap, make sure you dip that shit in hot water mixed with a strong antibacterial soup before wearing. Pretentiousness might be contagious.

This is Vadge and Fishy at a Valentino party at the Oak Room in NYC last night. The Oak Room was temporarily renamed Lucifer's Tomb when these two assholes were there.

What in macrobiotic hell do these two smug cunts talk about? A better question would be, how did that room survive their ridiculousness? The insane amounts of pretentiousness blowing through that room is enough to strip the finish off all that wood. The wine in that glass probably quickly tried to evaporate itself, so it wouldn't have to listen to these two British rejects blather on about their perfect bowel movements, taut vaginas, GOOP and Kabbalalahahhaha. Even the terra cotta on Valentino's skin is about to crack off all over Anne Hathaway.

And I really think that Vadge is eating fetuses, because her skin is looking so toddler-like. That some Dumplings shit right there.

What fart bubbles are blowing out of Fishstick Paltrow's mouth today? Well, Fishy commented on the state of her co-star Joaquin Phoenix. Fishy worked with the king of the hobo rap circuit on his last movie. When asked about his new (and totally fake) career, Fishy told MTV (via People), "I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper. It seems kind of odd."

Fishy is friends with Jay-Z, so this makes her a professor of hip-hop. That's why it's no wonder that MTV asked her what advice she has for Joaquin, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe."

That is fucking excellent advice Fishy! No wonder you're the master at everything. You know, I think you should escort Joaquin to the projects. While he gets some authenticity, you can get your ass kicked! Maybe that will force the snobbery stick to finally fall out of your ass.

And for those of you that think Fishy was joking, this hag doesn't joke. Just read POOP. It's obvious that shit was created by a goopy bitch who doesn't have any sense of humor or reality.

Fishsticks Paltrow is at it again. She already told the haters of GOOP to fuck off. And now she's saying that the whores who hate it, just don't understand IT.

The New York Times wrote up on article about how GOOP was basically a bunch of pretentious fish caca. At some event last night, Fishy defended her GOOP again to People, "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it. There's nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it's a harmless newsletter that goes out each week."

I GET IT, BITCH! Now get this: FUCK OFF. Seriously, the people who do actually get it are probably the ones who can't stand that mess. I get it loud and clear. If you don't buy $20,000 purses and eat organic tree bark, then you're not worthy. This is what is so effed up about this ho. She can't understand that people just don't like something she does. I just want to smack her in her smug face with CHERYL BURKE'S mop head!

Look at Fishy's face. Don't you just want to smoosh it up into little balls, throw those balls into a deep fryer, pour some tartar sauce all over that shit and then chuck them at seagulls flying by?! And her words even make me want to do more horrible things. Every time I read something she says, the Chris Brown in me rises up and I have to go beat one of my dildos (and not in a sexay way).

I know, two Fishsticks Paltrow posts in a row, but these fugly leather diapers can't get away. They look like they're ready for a big, hot load of GOOP to drop right in them. Bitch has pancake crotch.

The last time I saw shorts like this was on a leather daddy who smartly accessorized with a harness, combat boots, a dog collar and a ball gag. That's what was missing from this retina-burning ensemble: a ball gag in Fishy's mouth! That would make me stand up, clap and fart out a GOOP nugget out of sheer happiness!

EVIL SQUARED! Fishsticks Paltrow on Cuntplay's Grammy win:

"I was over the moon because those guys work so hard. They're so, so dedicated, and they bleed, sweat and cry to get it all perfect."

The things I hate the most are together and it hurts. The only thing that could make this worse is if Fishy, Katherine HAGel and CHERYL BURKE said this quote in unison while wearing Crocs in front of a mountain of UGGS. If that happened, a black hole under my chair would open up and suck me into the depths of Hell.

And when fugly Fishy makes her way over the moon again, can she take this milk with her? Tell her it's organic and made from GOOP. It will fit perfectly down her throat, so it will be easy to transport. I measured.

(Thanks Michele & Linda)