Gwyneth Paltrow

This story from The Sun is so fake that if I chopped it into a fat line and laid it out on a mirror, Kate Moss still wouldn't snort it up. But it did lead me to this gem of Fishsticks Paltrow being the third, deflated, greasy wheel to Kate and Liv Tyler back in the day. Kate is totally saying to Liv: "Maybe if I hand this bitch an 8-ball, she'll GOOP away." Fishsticks is totally saying to Fishsticks: "Duuuuuuurrrrrp."

So, both GOOPY and Kate Moss were guests at the owner of Topshop Sir Philip Green's fancy and extravagant 60th birthday holiday in Mexico last week. Apparently, Kate would rather stay at home with her own child than spend 6 seconds with GOOP and the feeling is mutual. So when GOOPY ran into Kate while jogging along the beach, they tried to out-cunt each other and the hilariously fake altercation went something like this:

Kate: Oi, what you out jogging for?

GOOP: So I don't look like you when I get old!

Kate: Why don't you eat some fucking carbs!

As much as I'd like to believe that GOOP has the power to lighten a ho's skin by shading her so much, this didn't happen. GOOP would never jog on the beach in Mexico, because she's too afraid of running into local poors. GOOP runs on a treadmill in her hotel suite while her slaves hold up Photoshopped pictures of the Mexican playa. And Kate was probably so drunk the entire time that when she did run into Fishy, she thought GOOP was just a soggy coke booger that escaped out of her nose and mutated into human form. It's happened before, I'm sure.

It's nice to see Gwyneth Paltrow giving us a non-smug look for once on that magazine cover. That unfortunate pasta anticipation gremlinly lipbite face looks like me when I'm faced with snack cakes. Piggy realness.

GOOP's third career (after "actress" and "insufferable snob blogger") is "cookbook author". Unfortunately her publishing empire was dealt a blow by the New York Times. In an article about cookbook ghost writers, they claimed that Gwyneth wrote her cookbook My Father's Daughter (he was an asshole, too?) with chef Julia Turshen.

According to E!, Gwyneth moved quickly to refute this on her Facebook page. Do you think she'll play Avengers Alliance with me if I invite her?

"Love @nytimes dining section but this weeks facts need checking. No ghost writer on my cookbook, I wrote every word myself."

That "love" doesn't feel genuine to me. You can feel the nasally, passive agressive tone she statused that in, right?

Yes, she wrote every word. Every ponderous word about ingredients you can't afford, cookware that's only available at a tiny shop in the Pyrenees, and how much better she is at making this shit than you are. Ugh, she's a prig. Her husband must think about sticking his head in that outdoor pizza oven on a daily basis.

GOOPY Tweeted the picture above from the Oscars and then Steve Martin did God's work by Tweeting this:

I never thought I'd ever type this but, Steve Martin: I so would. Hell, I'd even print out Steve Martin's Tweet, roll it up and hit that.

via The Daily What (Thanks, Josie)

Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines "pretentious ass bitch" with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy's never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter's halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce's Judy Garland.

"She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She's stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes.

Beyonce is doing great. She's just a natural at being a mom."

A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That's not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her "glow" from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That's the glow of money, honey. And about that "she's going to be an entertainer" thing. I would say "No shit, bitch" to Fishticks, but she'd probably respond with, "No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!"

I don't have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.'s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I'd glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn't understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It's not like she's only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all.

And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn't Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint.

The pictures of GOOPY Paltrow in Harper's Bazaar will cover your eyes with the organic grease that's smeared all over her legs, but don't worry you'll wipe those away as soon as your eyes start rotating at all the colon balls of pretension that come leaping, twirling and floating off of her tongue. You know, though, this interview isn't as ridiculous as the usual shit that comes spewing out of her talk hole. The worst part doesn't come from the mouth of GOOP, it comes from Harper's writer Justine Picardie. Justine drank the GOOP and kept drinking the GOOP until the GOOP started spilling out of the pores on her fingers. I mean....:

We've grown accustomed to the symmetry of her face and her killer body displayed on the red carpet since her catapult to fame in the '90s. But when you see her today, without the distractions of props or makeup or styling, in jeans and a white button-down shirt, Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline. As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.

And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger so I can wet heave and jerk my head until my brain has erased that paragraph from my memory. I bet GOOPY totally served Justine a pizza from her wood-burning garden pizza oven. All of the powers of GOOP lie within that wood-burning garden pizza oven. Or the porcelain bathtub in her bedroom. Those are the weapons of GOOP's mass pretentious. Now on to quotes!

On how she loves the wrinkles that were majorly Photoshopped off in these pictures: "I'll take my wrinkles. I don't like the Botox thing."

She goes on to admit that she gets tons of facials and has done laser treatments. I believe her. Like this bitch is really going to fill her face with some shit any poor can buy with a credit card. Botox is so provincial. If Fishsticks wants to get rid of a wrinkle, she just recites Justine's paragraph above into the mirror and her face will naturally barf out globs of fat that will fill her lines. Voila!

On how she goes on a 12-week detox every season: "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar. I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."

So if this bitch detoxes for 48 weeks out of the year, that means most of the year she spends starving herself and shitting her asshole off. This explains everything. If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole.

On how her father's death SAVED her life: "All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."

On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."

On her anti-feminist advice to her really famous friend (like she has any other kind): "She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It's been all about you and you're a big deal. And if you want what you're saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."

On how her husband Chris Martin doesn't pass his peen around, but one of her ex-boyfriends did: "I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."

The cheating boyfriend is totally Brad Pitt (or Ben Affleck). The actress friend is totally Cameron Diaz (exhibit: A!). And I'm totally going to juice a box of Twinkies and eat a bowl of corn syrup sprinkled with powdered preservatives until my heart is pounding, my skin hurts and cranky is the only emotion I feel. Because if that's this twat's idea of being wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!

GOOP is back with its first newsletter of the year and since Fishsticks Paltrow is obsessed with POOP, it's all about how you can reverse fuck your asshole raw by shitting out your insides while completely screwing over your checking account.

Back in 2009, GOOP featured a cleanse by a company called Clean and the power of Fishsticks caused it to sell out immediately. So she's slapped the GOOP name on her favorite poop pusher and is selling it for the price of a bottle of genuine Tibetan monk tears. (You know, that's the stuff she gargles with to keep the crap that comes out of her mouth from burning her vocal cords.) With the help of her cleanse doctor (yes, this bitch has a cleanse doctor), Dr. Junger, Fishy put together the perfect detox that will make you feel as empty inside as her. Let Dr. Junger break it down for you:

"The basic premise of this cleanse is that by creating the right conditions, our bodies will begin to reset themselves naturally. How? By adding in nutritionally-beneficial foods and supplements, and removing the major toxins in our diet (inflammatory and processed foods)."

"Unlike most cleanses, the goop cleanse by Clean is designed to deliver results right now, while also inspiring long-term health changes. The cleanse will help give your digestive system a break and also improve energy levels by bringing in high-quality vitamins and nutrients. Best of all, because you'll be eating during this program, you won't be left feeling hungry or tired which is typical of most cleanses."

If you look at the 6 steps above, the GOOP CLEANSE (which sounds like the name of a swamp water enema) is very easy to do. You wake up, put your hair in a ponytail, drink an overpriced shake, down a handful of overpriced vitamins, change your clothes, eat salad in your friend's backyard, change your clothes again, check your email while drinking another overpriced shake, change your clothes for the fourth time, light a fire and then sit back with a mug full of your own tears. The light a fire part is very important. Because when you sit back and realize that you've just spent over four hundred damn dollars on some bullshit, you'll want to throw yourself into an open flame to end your GOOP misery (goopery?).

Everyone who was backstage at the Coldplay concert in Abu Dhabi on New Year's Eve found out the painful way what it's like to witness a conversation between a tequila worm on meth and a pinched anus when Fishsticks Paltrow dropped some GOOP into Courtney Love's ear. I don't know why Courtney was in Abu Dhabi (Trying to sell herself at clearance prices to a sheik"), but she was there and somehow got backstage at the Coldplay show. Courtney's cheek found its way to GOOPY's cheek and as her system tried to fight off the "pretentious cunt" syndrome seeping into her face pores, she posted this on her Twitter:

Courtney Courtney Love Cobain
getting the best advise for the new years from a true friend, love you @GwynethPaltrow @Goop
31 Dec

What kind of advice could GOOPY give Courtney? Gently roll all your crack rocks in crushed lemon seeds before you smoke them? If you're going to write a threatening letter to your estranged daughter, do it on persimmon-scented papier from GOOPY's favorite stationary store located in the attic of a diamond museum on the outskirts of Paris.

And by the looks of that picture, the wrong ho is the one giving the advice. One of them looks like she only survives on eating nicotine patches and hasn't slept in weeks because the voices of her enemies keep her up at night. And I'm not talking about Courtney, for a change.

I mean, Fishsticks looks like hell. She looks like Kurt Cobain TODAY, which is probably why Courtney wanted a picture with her in the first place.

Kids, I could use a hangover cure right now. Even one from a pretentious twat. I am in New York City for the New Year on Manhunt business (make of that what you will) and I went to a bar last night that Michael K. recommended. As soon as I saw the Xeroxed copies of guy's b-holes hanging from the ceiling, I knew I was in the right place. The bar stool read "Finger Me", there was hard core dicksucking on the monitors and the drinks were cheap (for NYC). I love my hometown of Boston, but New York is the business.

Do you ever feel like Gwyneth Paltrow keeps up that horrid website of hers just to be a cuntafasse (that's "cuntface" in German. It really isn't, but if you pronounce it as "Kunt-Ah-Fah-Say" it SOUNDS German and it gives calling someone a cunt a little more flair)? She's fully aware that all of the right-minded people in the world find her condescending rich bitch website deplorable, right? This week on GOOP, Fishsticks tackled a topic we might actually be interested in - hangover cures. If you figured Gwyneth's hangover cure was meant solely for the ultra-rich and jet-setty, you were right! Bitch wants you to fly your ass here to New York! Join me! This hotel room is the size of GOOPy's modesty, but I'll fit you in.

If you have the time and the inclination, I've found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment. The original would be the traditional Turkish Hamman, but you can find this kind of treatment in spas all over the world, including my favorites, the low-key Japanese spas in New York, like Osaka.

Start in a hot, dry room and then move into an even warmer steam room. Then splash yourself with cold water (or even dunk in cold pool or under a cold shower). Follow it with a full body scrubdown, which is typically followed by a massage. At the end you'll be sent to a cool room to relax and cool down.

I've been known to recreate this experience at home too. Just draw a bath that is as hot as you can handle it and mix in some Epsom Salts and Baking Soda. Soak for twenty minutes and then pop into a freezing cold shower for 1 minute. Get back in the hot bath and stay until you're warmed up. Then get back in the shower for 1 more minute.

Lol this bitch. Hangovers are universal. They don't just happen to "refined" millionaire douchenuggets in London. Cherylyne in the trailer park probably doesn't have access to a spa, you irritating mistress of smug. Also, who in the fuck has it in em' to do all this physical activity when they are laid the fuck up with their brain trying to burst through their eyes and so dehydrated they're pissing butter (ok, that was gross)? I can barely get off the couch, where I am undoubtedly covered in potato chip crumbs and very intent on Love & Hip-Hop. Also, who the dick has a separate shower and bathtub (in their bedroom)? My bathroom is so small that I practically shower in the sink. Snob please!

Not only that - this medical professional says her hangover cure is bullshit. This bitch left her brain in that box in Seven.

The question "How can you make Mark Ruffalo less fap-worthy?" has been answered with a mouth full of cold GOOP.

Mark Ruffalo looked like he was trying to swallow a load of barf and exhale at the same time as he shot a kissing scene with human activated charcoal Fishsticks Paltrow for their new movie called That Movie Where Mark Ruffalo Plays The Same Character He Plays In All His Movies. The director must have yelled at these two "Make it look like two scared blind trout trying to find the same piece of worm," because that's exactly what it looks like. They nailed it! If you're thinking it looks more like two scared porn star vaginas trying not to cry while sharing Charlie Sheen's dick, then you're right too.

Mark is open-mouth heaving because he just read an advanced copy of GOOP's (f)art issue and Fishy's trying to ignore the fact that his breath smells like drugstore gum and soda that comes from a can. WISH YOURSELF INTO YOUR HAPPY PLACE (aka an ivory-covered bedroom bath tub filled with the amniotic fluid of a beluga whale), GOOP!

In this week's edition of GOOP (Grossly Ostentatious Oogly Pretentiousness), Fishsticks Paltrow conducts an overly thorough, in-depth Cuntline NBC investigation on her harrowing journey from Paris, France to London to Los Angeles for the Emmys. Fishy's Emmys scrapbook should really be titled Two Days In The Life Of A Working Mother, because like every working mother Fishy traveled in First Class and stayed in a 12-star hotel suite while her team of nannies tried to keep the scent of "North America" off her children by rolling them in organic baby powder and dried orchid leaves in a room next door.

You know, Fishy writes that she took a commercial flight to L.A., but do we really believe that she breathed in coach mist for that many hours? Bitch is lying. While in France, Fishy made two of her Russian maids pull her head out of her ass which made all the bullshit she stores up hit the ground so hard that it tossed her across an ocean and a country. Fishy finally landed in an empty pool of Neil Lane jewels in L.A. That's how she really travels.

Fishy does make an Over the Moon violation (and uses the word "CHUFFED" in the same paragraph) in this ode to a working mother, but I've got bigger fish(sticks) to fry. Like how she came upon a disgusting sight that forced her to snap her fingers at her personal valet and bark at him to reupholster her seat in shark leather.

4:59 pm

It’s a minute to show time, and I find my seat in the second row (right behind the cast of 30 Rock!) The seat filler before me was sweaty … so my chair was wet. Gross!

5:00 pm

The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards begin, hosted by Jane Lynch from Glee!

I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait ... why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

That's not 9 chins. That's your jaw cringing and weeping at being an accomplice to the stupid fucking shit that comes out of your mouth, you dumb dick hole.

But back to the seat filler thing. Is that a direct insult to the Emmy's premiere seat filler Chicken Cutlets? Phoebe Price doesn't sweat. She can't. She had all of her sweat glands removed, because they threw off her balance and made it hard for her to pose in front of a camera for 12 hours straight on Robertson Blvd. But I'm sure who ever sweat like a human all over Fishy's seat will have each of their skin pores plugged up so this never happens again.

And it might not have been PP who completely ruined Fishy's seat, but it was definitely the other kind of PP if you know what I mean. If you're sitting on Fishy's seat, it is your duty to piss all over it.