Gwyneth Paltrow

The newest Mr. Vadge was at the opening of the Fontainebeau Grand in Miami last night with Fishsticks Paltrow, who was probably dispatched there by Vadge herself to keep tabs on her shit. Fishy is giving him a look letting him know that she's got her fish eyes on him. Or maybe she's just making that look because she's fucking starving after not eating for 12-hours straight! Or maybe she's concentrating on using her yoga-produced muscles to keep that tampon dress up. Concentrate harder, Fishy! No one wants to see your gills!

You know, I wish Vadge would quit with this A-Rod shit. Why can't she just go out and do a bunch of slut bag shit? Fuck being with just one dude! Her roided-up vagina needs to be loosened up. Doesn't she get tired of listening to the annoying sound of her vagina gritting its teeth? It's so fucking wound up and needs a good long month of just slutting around. Oh well.

While Fishy watched A-Rod in Miami, Vadge and Lourdes were out in Los Angeles last night. Not only does she needs to drop A-Rod, but she needs to drop that old bag too! The old bag she's carrying I mean. Yes, you could sell me a million times over and still not have enough money to buy a bootleg version of that bag on eBay, but it's still fugly!

And in the first thumbnail below, is that orange gum in A-Rod's mouth? He must have not gotten to rule #4,567 in Vadge's employee handbook. It clearly states that all chewing gum must be made from organic herbs and sticky smegma from her cooch.

This is what happens when you don't eat for 12 hours straight! It starts to fuck with your eyesight. You know Fishsticks Paltrow thinks she looks all fashion-forward and shit, the same way Posh feels when she wears 2 foot tall chopsticks heels. Sorry, Fishy. You're wearing your private shit on the outside, I can see your panties and your shoes look like leather vulvas.

Besides, this hot bitch did it better:

Here's Fishy being slimy at the premiere of "Two Lovers" in Paris last night.

Always wanted to look like a leftover soggy fishstick without a deliciously flaky crust? Well, you're in luck! Fishstick Paltrow's latest Goop "rhymes with poop" newsletter is all about health!

Fishy says with the help of three doctors in London, NYC and Los Angeles, she's found ways to deal with some health problems including pneumonia, anemia, stress and stick-up-ass syndrome. Obviously, she still hasn't found a cure for the latter one.

Here's what Fishy and her doctors recommend:

Sleep eight hours for two weeks. If you need help use herbs like valerian and chamomile. (Note from MK: Does weed count?)

Police your thoughts and deal with your feelings constructively. Most of the background chatter in our mind is worrying, judging, criticizing, defending and complaining. (Note from MK: FUCK THAT!)

Eliminate all white foods including flour and sugar. (Note from MK: Does that include coke?)

Don't eat for 12 hours after your last meal.

After two weeks of sleeping and eating better, you'll have the energy to exercise. Begin as you like.

If you are totally out of shape. Start by walking 15 minutes a day and add a minute every day for the first month. At the end of a month, you'll be up to 45 minutes a day, which should make you ready for whatever more strenuous form of exercise you want to try.

Don't drink a lot of caffeine or alcohol. (Note from MK: This bitch is stupid!)

This explains why Fishy is a pretentious drip with the sense of humor of a slug. The bitch needs more booze and sugar in her life! I'm functioning just fine on a strict carbs and sugar-only diet. Yes, I constantly have the sugar shakes, but that's a form of exercise!

Click here to read Fishy's entire newsletter of poop.

This is not right. A big pile of fish sticks and the biggest one of them all is nowhere to be seen? If you're going to get a bitch to promote fish sticks, there's only ho you should ask. Those shady fish sticks lying on that plate are two-faced bitches. How dare they betray their queen. I feel bad for her.

Anyfishy, David Beckham was at Wembley Stadium in London today to promote a new line of healthier frozen shit called GO3. The shit is supposed to be good for you because it's made with omega-3 fish oil. The line will carry fried fish dicks, pasta and other crap.

I'm no health freak, nor do I pretend to be, but fish sticks aren't the healthiest thing around. Right? If they are, then I should eat more of those things, because they taste delicious. Shut the hell up! They do! Put a couple of fish sticks in a corn tortilla, nuke that shit, squeeze some mayo on it and you have yourself a delicious ghetto fish taco.

Here's more of Becks, his busted teeth and a bunch of kids at Wembley today. I also threw in some pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow looking weepy on the streets of London yesterday. She must know about the betrayal.

Fishsticks Paltrow is so full of shit, I mean, tartar sauce. Fishy claims she just can't diet! She tells Oprah, in an episode airing today, that she would rather work her bony ass out than keep track of what goes down her fish hole.

She said: "I just cannot diet. "I think maybe it's the idea that you can't have something ... I just can't do it. It's worth it to me to do that extra exercise so I can eat what I want and not think about it."

Fishy also said that she had trouble losing "the extra 20 pounds she gained" after giving birth to Moses. 20 pounds?! This bitch has made an art form out of annoying the fuck out of me.

I was under the impression that she only ate organic bird seed and grass reeds. It's nice to know that when she wants a second helping of sun-dried artichoke leaves and butternut squash diarrhea, she just goes for it. Good for you, Fishy. Live it up!

Fishy is on Oprah today to promote her cooking show with Mario Batali. The two traveled through Spain eating shit. Well, he ate a bunch of stuff and she probably just nibbled on her flaxseed cracker.

Source: People

Oh look. It's pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow without any paint on her face. Not bad, not bad. Actually, this is exactly how I prefer my Fishsticks. Greasy, organic and smug. If only I had a small bowl of tartar sauce.

I could also spend my entire afternoon playing "connect the pores" on her face. Endless hours of entertainment.

Fishy showed up to some boring shit at the Hamptons over the weekend. She didn't wear make-up just so she could hear everyone tell her, "OMG Fishy! You look so gorge without make-up." Blah. Blah.

Wait! Is that a glass of wine she's holding? Is that part of her daily diet of grass, wood chips and cloud water? She's in so much trouble if that isn't blueberry dirt juice.

Excerpts from Christopher Ciccone's tell-all on his sister Madonna are slowly being leaked. The book is supposed to be filled with "explosive" shit from Vadge's life, but so far it sounds about as explosive as a boiled carrot.

So far, the only interesting story is about Vadge and Fishsticks Paltrow tongue fucking at a party. According to Christopher, Vadge was dancing on top of a table at Donatella Versace's New Year's Eve party when she dragged Fishy up to join her. Suddenly, Vadge grabbed Fishy and kissed her on the mouth. Puke city! I'm sorry, but I do not like dried-up raisins with my fishsticks.

It's surprising that Fishsticks didn't end up in the emergency room. Vadge's buff ass tongue probably knocked half of Fishy's teefs out of her mouth. Seriously, Vadge's tongue could beat Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in a boxing match.

Chris Martin obviously drank too much douche water before an interview with BBC's Radio 4. Chris refuses to discuss his personal life including Fishsticks and his kids, but it sounds like he doesn't like talking about anything!

The show's host asked Chris a simple question about the new album, "Did you start with the song Viva La Vida and the idea within that song of the disposed dictator looking back at his life?" Chris immediately bitched, "I'm not really enjoying this. Can I have two minutes? 'I just don't like talking about things." That's what a fucking interview is?! Did he think it was going to be a circle jerk at Disneyland?!

Chris then got out of his chair and walked out leaving the interview. He probably went to call Fishsticks and cry about how he's "misunderstood."

Chris finally returned to the interview, but didn't fully answer any questions. When the host asked another question about his music, Chris replied, "Um... yes... yes, yes ... exactly."

In Chris' defense, you'd probably act this grouchy if you had to look at Fishy's face every single morning! Those two delusional twats love themselves way too much. This bitch needs to pull the Van de Kamp butt plug out of his ass, smile like a pretty girl and answer every question without being an ass about it.

Source: OK! Magazine

Fishsticks Paltrow has been everywhere promoting that "Iron Man" movie, so it was just a matter of time before someone asked her about her ex, Brad Pitt. OK! Magazine popped the question to Fishy at her movie's Hollywood premiere last night. They asked her if she had any well wishes for Brad, Angelina and their unborn chosen ones. Fishy answered, "No!" Throw that Fishy back in the water. What a grouch.

Fishy is just playing it safe. She knows that if says anything slightly negative, her life would be in danger. The Brangaloonies would swoop in and skin Fishy alive.

Here's Fishy wearing my mom's jumpsuit from the 70s last night. That jumpsuit is making it look like her crotch is in her stomach.

Fishsticks Paltrow told Vogue Magazine (via Us) that after she suffered from post-partum depression after giving birth to Moses. She was probably feeling guilty for naming the poor kid, Moses. Rightly so.

Fishy said, “I didn’t know I had it until after it was over. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt really out of my body. I felt really disconnected. I felt really down ... I felt pessimistic.”

That's the way I feel every fucking day, Fishy! It's called not being rich and famous. Most of the "regular people" of the world feel that way. That's why we booze, watch reality TV and have sex with strangers.

Fishy thinks the depression came, because she had to scale back on pre-baby shit like acupuncture. This bitch is into acupuncture? She needs to come visit me. I'll gladly stick needles in her ass. It will help us both out.

Here's some pictures of Fishy hanging her head in shame while going to the gym with Madonna. Just two British ladies on their way to afternoon tea. Cheerio!