Small Ones

Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle's CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology's flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild's remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.

When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:

via TMZ

No. That headline is joking (no, it's not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher's dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he's wearing. But I wouldn't say you were lying if you said that Ashton's peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.

Acting out the beginning of the classic joke "a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room," Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!

via People

Hayden Panettiere is 5'1" and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6'6", so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden's fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there's a peen, there's a way!

"He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they're like, 'Does it work?' Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, 'I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I'm really sorry but…'"

It's really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir's dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can't put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out... It wouldn't be a good thing. There's always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Frankie Muniz allegedly put a gun to his head and threatened to pull the trigger during a fight with his girlfriend Elycia Turnbow at their home in Phoenix, Arizona on Friday night. This was after Frankie pulled out a step stool, stood on it and punched Elycia in the back of the head. Frankie and Elycia both deny any of this happened, but TMZ says the police report says otherwise. And I thought Dewey would be the one who would grow up and inherit Gary Coleman's Napoleon RAGE.

The cops were apparently called when Frankie and Elycia got into a brawl of words over their past pieces. Elycia told the police that Frankie brought his fist on her head and then shoved her into a bathroom wall. When Frankie put the gun to his gigantic globe of a head, Elycia got scared and called one of his bandmates.

But Frankie's side of the story is totally different. Frankie claims he was sound asleep dreaming of his childhood with the Lollipop Guild when Elycia woke him up by pounding on his head. Frankie says she fell off the bed and started kicking at his bedroom door.

Frankie later told police that he never put the gun to his head and it's not even loaded. The police report says that the gun was loaded. Frankie also says that he loves Elycia too much to Ike Turner her in the head.

Frankie's rep issued a statement denying all of this:

"Frankie and Elycia had an argument a few days ago. The police were called to the residence.

A gun played no part in the argument and was voluntarily given to the police for safekeeping. There were no bruises and neither left the residence. He was not suicidal. She was not assaulted."

Never mind that Elycia looks like an R-rated version of Claudia Salinger or that Frankie Muniz looks like an adult Chicken Little on the wrong kind of growth hormones and hair plugs, the most horrifying part of this story is that Agent Cody Banks IS IN A BAND!

Can't an adult woman like Jean Chatzky talk about companies shrinking the size of the package without all of us picturing a shriveled crotch coming out of a cold pool or a flaccid dick in a Space Bag?! The answer is NO, because that's exactly what I pictured when Jean talked about shrinking packages on Today this morning. And that's what hit Matt Lauer's brain too, because he broke and busted into a load of laughs.

This was the same kind of laugh his wife swallows whenever he gets nekkid in front of her. NO! I'm sure Matt's package is so big and precious that he needs a forklift and a signature to deliver it into a vag!

via Vulture

Thanks to Tommy Girl's acute ability to imagine almost anything as a gigantic dick, he was able to bravely hug on to the tip of the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, and then repel down its shaft. You know that shit was making his Scientolohole slobber something messy. Yeah, it was kind of gross for the people down below who realized that the sticky globs of caramel milk hitting the top of their heads wasn't pigeon caca, but Tommy had a good time and that's all that matters!

Here's more of Tommy doing big boy stuff for Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Do not look directly into the dark eye of his Ken Doll crotch or you might start feeling a little glib later on.

There's another good reason for why Jersey Shore is called Macaroni Rascals in Japan. Apparently, The Situation can fit his wang into the hole of a wet macaroni noodle. Hey, that's still a few centimeters bigger than his brain.

A Florida club promoter who goes by the name of Melody Eckerson admitted to Star Magazine that she earned herself a file at the health department by hooking up with The Situation one night.

According to Melody, she could deep throat his dick and lick his taint at the same time. That's how minor his dick situation is. Melody said, "I wouldn't even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes." And when asked what she saw when The Situation dropped his Ed Hardy thong, Melody said, "Let's just say, I'm thinking of my pinky."

If Melody thinks it's small now, wait until she sees it without the giant wart on the head! That wart was giving him some length and girth. I swear, some whores are too picky. And I bet Vinny's "watermelon cock" can swallow The Situation's "watermelon seed cock" whole.

He Pingping, the world's tiniest man, will be buried in the world's tiniest coffin in the world's tiniest plot with the world's tiniest tombstone on top of it after he passed away on Saturday in Italy. Pingping was just 21-years-old.

Pinping was in Rome shooting a television show when he complained of chest pains. He was taken to the hospital, but doctors couldn't save him. The Telegraph believes that he died of heart complications, but this hasn't been confirmed.

Guinness World Records declared Pingping the smallest man alive in March 2008. Pingping measured in at 29 inches tall. The editor-in-chief of Guinness said these kind words about Pingping:

''From the moment I laid on eyes on him I knew he was someone special - he had such a cheeky smile and mischievous personality, you couldn't help but be charmed by him. He brightened up the lives of everyone he met, and was an inspiration to anyone considered different or unusual.''

Rest in peace, Pingping.

It's common knowledge that The Insider is the new therapist's couch, so it's not surprising that the evil goblin with the giant temper went there to discuss his marriage problems with some broad named Lisa Bloom. When Lisa got on Gary Coleman for allegedly abusing his wife, he exploded into a tornado of "fuck offs" before jumping off of his booster seat and storming back to the playroom.

You know, I'm with Gary. Does this Lisa chick know who Gary Coleman is (answer: probably not)? You do not talk to Gary like that without giving him lollipop first. Fuck Lisa Bloom! Fuck Lara Whatever! And FUCK all of them!

That being said, Gary was lying when he said he doesn't have a volatile relationship with anybody. It's obvious that Gary has a volatile relationship with lotion, because they haven't touched each other for years. Seriously, can the heavens open up and shower Gary with Baby Oil?

And are you making the waffles or am I?

During Hailey Glassman's interview with the prestigious Steppin' Out...Of The Port-A-Potty At A Warrant Concert Magazine, she said that her ex-boyfriend Jon Grosselin is "hung like a 9-year-old boy" and his peen is about 3 inches long. Kate Major, who also took a ride on Jon's button mushroom, co-signs Hailey's claim to Life & Style Magazine. Yes, it has come to this. We are talking in detail about Jon Gosselin's dick. Do you think it's too late for me to sign-up for classes at DeVry?

Anyababyhamstercoulddeepthroatjon, Kate says, "Jon was pretty boring and nothing exciting. I'm surprised he's so 'cocky' because down there he's not." Kate also said that she and Hailey would laugh about Jon's dick all the time.

Okay, Jon might have a dick that looks like half a piece of canned baby corn that has been left by the side of the road and pecked at by pigeons, but those two dumb bitches licked on it numerous times! Their clits had sword fights with Jon's fetus dick (and their clits won) plenty of times! So who is the small penis now?

And do you think sucking on Jon's dick is like sucking on one Bai Ling's nipples? On that note, I'm off to DeVry.com!