Small Ones

If you're throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan's bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you're obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, "I'm glad to see you're feeling better." The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she's a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I'm glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie's culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn't licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo's upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, "No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu." I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo's next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won't face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let's all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.

Just when you thought Britney Spears had gotten her shit together (said no one, ever), Kevin Federline's brother Christopher drops this little bombshell on her recent behavior. According to him, she not only stole his credit card, but she's a blackmailing SUCIA brother in law fucker to boot! Ah, the days of the pink wig and umbrella are not totally behind us. Nostalgia.

In this article from Radar Online, Christopher gives the juicy details to the Enquirer on why he had to file a restraining order against her ass on December 18th.

In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”

Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft -- which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges -- “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

So, let me get this straight. Gross, Britney has no taste in credit cards, hops on every available thing (pulse optional), and the best part: KFed's bro has a $4500 limit (you know she maxed that shit out) AND a small one. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or point and laugh at his ass. Okay, I do know and so do you. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Capital One...what's NOT in your wallet anymore?

EDIT: My dumb ass forgot to say that Christopher claims to be Sean Preston's father!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN *Home Alone face* This shit just keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE: Aw man, this lawsuit is bogus. I guess we will all have to put our Crazy Britney shrines back into storage.

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were - perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That's it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can't help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can't believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he's a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I'd guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don't like to talk about it.) But I would've been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he's known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love.

Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That's not an overfull diaper in Olly's skinny pants. That's his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World (via ONTD) asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:

"Maybe 13 [cm]? That's what I'd go with - it's definitely not 20cm. It would be quite big. I think 13cm.

It [his bulge] doesn't bother me. I have never, honest to God, tried to emphasise it. It has always been other people. I have never thought of myself as someone who has a big bulge. But this is probably the first time I will be arrogant by saying I have never had a complaint...it's not about the size; it's what you can do with it that counts. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. And I am all about quality."

I love how Olly says "I think." Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta's measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. "I grew 0.00003 centimeters!" is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly's peen have screamed out recently.

And I bet that when you put all of Olly's 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name "Olly Murs." That's a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you're about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he's only got 5 inches.

As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It's nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith's feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole's concrete forehead.

Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I'd still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.

And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she's working. The resemblance is uncanny and I'm sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue's forehead.

Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:

"Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…"

This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance....

The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood."

The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards!

So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle's CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology's flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild's remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.

When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:

via TMZ

No. That headline is joking (no, it's not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher's dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he's wearing. But I wouldn't say you were lying if you said that Ashton's peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.

Acting out the beginning of the classic joke "a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room," Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!

via People

Hayden Panettiere is 5'1" and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6'6", so the image of her balancing on all fours on two plastic crates while he hits it from the back might fill your head when topic of them having sex comes up, but we pretty much know how it works. Right? Right. But some of Hayden's fans need to be taken into the corner and given a sex ed. class using a treasure troll doll and a Stretch Armstrong, because they have no idea. The mystery of how the elf mounts the giant plagues them so!

Hayden was on Ellen (via UsWeekly) today and talked about how some of her fans ask her how it works. Hayden basically tells them my life motto: where there's a peen, there's a way!

"He is quite a bit bigger than me. I get the prudest people coming up to me and they're like, 'Does it work?' Yeah, it works. We find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way!

[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know. Like, 'I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I'm really sorry but…'"

It's really not that hard, people. Wladimir lies very still on a hard surface and two trapeze artists hang from silk ropes on either side of Hayden. Then a couple of leprechauns with steady hands hold Wladimir's dick up as the trapeze artists gently lower Hayden on top. But they can't put her down all the way or Wladimir will do vag-to-mouth without even pulling out. Internal organs would get rearranged and tonsils would get knocked out... It wouldn't be a good thing. There's always an ambulance from the doll hospital standing by if that ever happens. SEE! Simple!

Frankie Muniz allegedly put a gun to his head and threatened to pull the trigger during a fight with his girlfriend Elycia Turnbow at their home in Phoenix, Arizona on Friday night. This was after Frankie pulled out a step stool, stood on it and punched Elycia in the back of the head. Frankie and Elycia both deny any of this happened, but TMZ says the police report says otherwise. And I thought Dewey would be the one who would grow up and inherit Gary Coleman's Napoleon RAGE.

The cops were apparently called when Frankie and Elycia got into a brawl of words over their past pieces. Elycia told the police that Frankie brought his fist on her head and then shoved her into a bathroom wall. When Frankie put the gun to his gigantic globe of a head, Elycia got scared and called one of his bandmates.

But Frankie's side of the story is totally different. Frankie claims he was sound asleep dreaming of his childhood with the Lollipop Guild when Elycia woke him up by pounding on his head. Frankie says she fell off the bed and started kicking at his bedroom door.

Frankie later told police that he never put the gun to his head and it's not even loaded. The police report says that the gun was loaded. Frankie also says that he loves Elycia too much to Ike Turner her in the head.

Frankie's rep issued a statement denying all of this:

"Frankie and Elycia had an argument a few days ago. The police were called to the residence.

A gun played no part in the argument and was voluntarily given to the police for safekeeping. There were no bruises and neither left the residence. He was not suicidal. She was not assaulted."

Never mind that Elycia looks like an R-rated version of Claudia Salinger or that Frankie Muniz looks like an adult Chicken Little on the wrong kind of growth hormones and hair plugs, the most horrifying part of this story is that Agent Cody Banks IS IN A BAND!