Small Ones

Tank Jones (the motherfucker in the fancy pink tie in the picture above) lied to us all! Tank promised that Levi Johnston would give us a clear shot of the goods in his upcoming Playgirl spread, but this is not the case. There will no full frontal nekkidness. Call your local congressperson over this fuckery! This is an injustice.

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio released this statement to Gawker: "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

Basically, it sounds like we're just going to get Levi's peen head peeking out from a hockey stick? WHAT IS THE POINT?! How are people supposed to fap to that?

Tank Jones should hang his head in shame for the rest of his days. You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. You can lie about a lot of things, but you should never lie about DICK. Dick is serious business. Levi Johnston's peen and me are fucking done professionally!

Even if Levi had a crooked pencil peen with a misshapen head, they could've injected it with a little Crisco to fatten it up a bit. There's no excuse.

Here's a quick update on Levi Johnston's dick flashing situation. His manger Tank tells TMZ that Levi is getting his peen ready for its close-up, because it will be smiling for Playgirl's cameras: "Everything's gonna hang out. We're talking full johnson."

Tank went on to say that Levi will take all his panties off for Playgirl on November 16th. That happens to be the same day his kid's memaw, Sarah Palin, appears on Oprah for the first time.

You don't have to worry about jizzing up your monitor, because Playgirl plans to put out a special print edition (they are currently online only) of Levi's spread just in time for Christmas.

Levi can finally stop with the teasing. For the past couple of weeks he's been farting about how he may or may not bring the dick to the party. One minute, the tip is peeking out and the next minute, it's nestling back in his pants. Seriously, it felt like the longest first date EVER.

Image via Flickr

I'd show my bits for a drop of sweat you claim you collected from Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's forehead during one of his giggle fits. And I'd even do it knowing that the sweat most likely came from a homeless junkie's upper lip. So, I'm easy. And so is Levi Johnston! Dude needs to stop teasing about showing his peen. Levi's manager/Palin-blocker Tank has already said there's a 90% chance that we will see Levi's moneymaker in his Playgirl spread, but he decided to play coy on his Twitter the other day by asking this question.

We all know Levi will drop the wang for two pieces of moose jerky and a Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch Doll. Stop the Twittering, and whip it out.

By the way, since Levi typed "WANG" Kanye-style, does that mean he's hung like a Gaga? Yes, I always get over-analytical when it comes to dude dick.

VIA Jezebel

This little clip of "Seth Green losing it on the set of a commercial" landed in my inbox, and even though it's probably faker than everything on Heidi Montag, it's still so cute! Seriously, I love it when little leprechauns throw adult-sized hissy fits. Maybe he'd be more menacing if he was standing on a phone book, but he isn't, so this shit is just precious.

Don't you just want to hug the angries right out of him? I bet if you squeeze him hard enough thousands of Lucky Charms (only the marshmallow ones) will shoot out of his tiny asshole. This should really be on Cute Overload.

This is even giving Christian Bale the "awwwws" in his heart.

After just three months of marriage, Fred Durst and his wife Esther Nazarov have gone their separate ways. Fred went off to bang anything who doesn't mind him gnarling like a bear eating a rabbit's head (if you've seen his sex tape, you know what I'm talking about) and Esther went off to submit her application to the gayelle club.

Fred announced the tragic news on his Twatter:

"For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support. Thank you all SO much for your concern and extremely kind words. Sincerely. We remain very positive and wish only the best for each other."

I will say that the marriage lasted a lot longer than my ass predicated. My guess is that the bad shit haze finally wore off and Esther realized she was married to a dude who used to suck on Parasite Hilton's septic tank.

And since we're here, (NSFW) click on this to see Fred's limp bizkit. I doubt it's usually like that. Dude must have just stuck it in the vacuum to stretch it out for the cameras.

VIA UsWeekly

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

It looks like Sarah Palin will be able to see Levi's goods from her house, because he is going to drop them panties and get nekkid for Playgirl.com. TMZ says that Levi has been spending a lot of time at the gym to get his body ready to pose for pictures that thousands of gay dudes will rub their genitals all over (GUILTY). But there's one issue, Levi's "handler" says he's trying to decide whether or not to show his shaved caribou or his pair of bearded seals. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. Basically, he wants to show either his dick or ass.

Let's take a vote. All of you in favor of seeing his ass, punch yourself in the crotch bone, because you should want to see THE PEEN instead! Fuck his ass (panty creaming moment)! Show us the Alaskan-bred MEAT! Yes, it's probably a little frost-bitten and shrively from living in an igloo park, but a few slaps on a hot log will warm it up and get it camera ready!

Come on, Levi's peen, pucker up for the camera and say, "YOU BETCHA!"

Soulja Boy posted a picture on his Twitter of what he claims is his dick boner in his chonies. It kind of looks more like an obese salamander trapped in a tent. Something in the milk ain't clean, but you be the judge. The picture is after the jump. It might be slightly NSFW-ish. JUMP!!!

Gary Coleman's giant ginge wife, Shannon Price (don't even mention it), was arrested at their home in Utah on Wednesday night for midget abuse and acting the fool. TMZ says that the two had some kind of argument. Shannon told Gary to go sit in the "time out" corner, but he wouldn't listen, so she locked him out of the house and refused to let him in.

Shannon then went into Gary's room and destroyed everything he loves like his favorite big boy pants, his booster seat and his Cuddle Buddy. Gary called the police and Shannon had some Dlisted-approved words for them when they arrived. According to the report, Shannon called the cop a "fucker" and then followed it up by saying, "fuck you and fuck him!" Obviously, that didn't go over well with the cops, so she was arrested and shuffled off to jail. She was later released on $1,205 bail.

For why are these two still together? Anybody who saw their wrong asses on Divorce Court or The Ty Ty Baby Show know that they HATE hate HATE each other in the worst possible way. I mean, they've never done fucky times together and Gary even threw a printer at Shannon once. If Shannon is using him for his cash, then she's the worst gold digger of all-time, because I doubt he's making major bank from selling his Gap Kids khakis on eBay.

It's a shame that they can't get along, because they really are a match in Kentucky Derby heaven. With his small stature and her horsey physique, they could go all the way!

Anybody in the mood for a soggy Snausage? Or how about a mangled egg roll? I've got both of those things here for you! This past week, nekkid pictures of Kate Gosselin's hair twin (aka Shawn from Vh1's Tool Academy) and 6 Gauge from Daisy of Love hit the internets. Don't get all excited. It's not going to make your no-no slobber. Bring your dipping sauce and get yourself a mini-weiner after the jump. And it's totally NSFW. Well, unless you work at Hickory Farms. JUMP!!!!