Small Ones

Here is the picture that has become my wallpaper for everything in my life. I will use this image on my contacts, KEDS, dinnerware, toilet paper and anything else that can handle a picture of this caliber. This shit has made my emotions go to war. I don't know whether to laugh or weep. The teddy bear face is telling me to smile, but Verne's face is telling me to frown.

This is the definition of "the rent is due." Verne Troyer is currently on Celebrity Big Brother in the UK and they made the houseguests, not just Mini-Me, dress up like teddy bears and eat from a honeypot. This is what it's come to.... And I thought the sex tape was tragic.

It's like my Teddy Ruxpin doll came to life and isn't happy about it. If you pull his cord, he'll say, "Fuuuuuck offfff!" Verne also looks like a depressed PedoBear without a prostitot to look at. This is sad....in a totally hilarious way.

Put on your peendar goggles and determine where or not Match.com's columnist, Whitney Casey, is speaking the truth or is lie-telling. I mean, Rocco could have promised her a dinner with his mom if she lied about his peen size. I fell in love with his mommy after watching The Restaurant.

So! Whitney had a little conversation with Howard Stern on his Sirius show and DownByTheHipster was listening in when she described the best fuck she ever had:

Rocco Dispirito was the best lay she ever had. She also claims that he had a perfect penis. Howard asked what that means. Whitney said that he looks like the statue David. Howard said that statue has a small dick. She said that he's a good looking dude from head to toe and his penis was like a Viagra version of the statue of David.

The perfect dick is different for everybody. It's like a puzzle. A rock hard 8" wang that sounds good on paper can turn out to be a major bust (and not in a good way) when put to work. There have been times when I've first laid eyes on a schlong that made the heavens open up and my no-no sing "Hallelujah!" But after a few strokes, I went looking for the GONG! It truly depends.

That being said, my peendar tells me Rocco is a wittle above average in length. I'd say anywhere from 6.5" to 7.5". I'd also say he has average girth, but I picture him with an overly large mushroom head. He's a chef! That's what my professional HO opinion is.

And Whitney is a stupid bitch for telling us Rocco has a dick like David on Viagra, but doesn't bring picture proof. That's wrong.

VIA ONTD

This is the most adorable thing I've seen since watching a video of a hedgehog stuck in a toilet paper roll earlier today. It's Verne Troyer when he was in high school in Michigan. So I guess we can say when he was a mini-mini-Mini-Me. He looks like a little chipmunk! I just want to give birth to him and feed him acorns. You know, that's probably possible now, because I'm sure I can get him up my no-no and then push him out. But he doesn't have that little Alvin from The Chipmunks face anymore!

Verne was even voted Centreville High's Prom King! Hmm... I suspect some ballot-stuffing went on. Meaning, Verne stuffed himself in the ballot box, so that when they went to open it, he was just sitting there. They said "fuck it" and declared him the winner! Seriously, if he went to my high school, I would have voted him Prom King, Homecoming Queen, Big Mini Man on Campus, etc... etc....

And for more Verne adorableness, click here to see him in an afro wig singing "Endless Love" with Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother. I wish Verne could serenade me to sleep every night with his lil' baby chipmunk voice.

Don't you just love public humiliation when it doesn't happen to you? It's truly what makes the world go round.

This story about a bitch caught with his ski pants down comes to us from Vail, Colorado. The dude froze his ass off this past Friday when he was riding on a chairlift at a resort with his kid. The Smoking Gun says the lift's seat wasn't lowered, so the skier fell through a gap in the chair. Luckily for the dude, his ski got caught in the lift, saving him from falling into the snow. Actually, maybe it would have been less embarrassing for him if he fell and broke his arm or some shit, because while his body was stuck, his pants and chonies came down. And the world laughed while his peen tried to hold back the tears. It knew that if it cried, its mouth would freeze shut.

The accidental ski flasher hung (trust me, there's no pun there) there for 15-minutes while waiting for help. Workers finally reversed the lift and got him out of the seat. It took 15-minutes because they were too busy cleaning the piss off their pants from laughing so hard.

Getting a case of frostbitten dick, nuts and nalgas might be worth it, because you know this bitch is going to sue the pants (GONG!) off of the bitch responsible for this

TSG has one more picture taken by a witness. I would so be that bitch who took pictures while that sad man dangled pantyless from the sky. Say "icicle dick!"

Thanks Mary

Methinks David Spade waits outside of therapist's offices for heartbroken middle-aged celebwhores who have just finished crying botox tears over their latest break-up. He catches them when they are all emotionally raw and shit. I mean, he's done sexy times with Heather Locklear, Pamela Anderson, Teri Snatcher, Lara Flynn Boyle and now Nicollette Sheridan!

At her 45th birthday party, David and Nicollette were spotted tonguing each other's mouths. A witness told People, "They cuddled and kissed. They were full-on making out in a booth."

This is my thinking: when Nicollette is at Rite-Aid buying Replens and "I Found Someone" comes on, David is there to massage her knees and help squeeze the tears out of her botoxed face. Then he tells her a fart joke, she laughs, forgets all about Michael Bolton and sucks on David's cat dick in the bathroom. That's how he gets their asses!

Last night, I went to see Harry Potter's peen in its Broadway debut in that play about horseys and smoke. Seriously, there was a lot of smoke in that shit. I thought I was hot boxin' with Snoop Dogg. Anywang, let's just get to the important shit, shall we?

Harry's wand makes its appearance at the end of the second act, so you have to sit through a lot of acting stuff before then. The acting stuff (especially Richard Griffiths) is good and that's saying a lot coming from my grouchy ass. However, the director immediately needs to address the peen issue. This is my issue: I could barely see that shit! It was dark as hell during his peen's scene. I wanted to shout, "Somebody! Turn on the fucking lights! I can't see his dick!" His peen even looked like it was ready to give the performance of a lifetime! From what I did see, it was standing straight up, eager to entertain us. Put a spotlight on it! The peen obviously wants to show us what it can do. When the light would hit it, I would see it getting all excited, thinking the moment its been waiting for finally arrived. That moment never came and neither did he. Overall, the peen is short and not showcased enough. It was ready, willing and able, but it never got the chance.

And don't even ask me if I got pictures of that shit! I was told that if the ushers catch you taking pictures, they will shame you in front of everyone by taking your cell phone away. I don't want to be known as the bitch who got caught taking pictures of Harry's peen. It's bad enough that I'm devoting an entire post to Harry Potter's cock! Yes, I'm desperate.

Oh and let me just briefly talk about Richard Griffiths' magnificent belly. I was probably mesmerized by his belly of wonder than I was by Harry's junk. I want to sit on top of Richard's belly and eat a peach. It's fucking amazing.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to go see Harry Potter's magical peen in Equus on Broadway. Oh and the dude that's attached to it is going to do some acting too.

I'm not sure if I would've bought tickets if I read this DanRad quote first. Okay, I still would've bought tickets, but now I have to find a way to somehow slip some Viagra into his water.

DanRad admitted that his peen gets a little stage fright before it makes its entrance. He calls it the "David Effect" after David's battle with Goliath.

He said: "He (David) wasn't very well endowed, because he was fighting Goliath. There was very much that effect. You tighten up like a hamster."

Tighten up like a hamster? Has he been hanging around Richard Gere lately?

Dan went on to say: "The first time it happened, I turned around and went, 'You know there's a thousand people here, and I don't think even one of them would expect you to look you best in this situation.'"

Um....I expect him to! That's the reason I'm going! Harry Potter's junk should get top billing. I don't want to see a melancholy peen onstage. I want that shit standing proud, ready to give a fucking monoglue. Shit, I want his peen to open up its lips and address the audience.

Those of you that won't be able to see DanRad's scared turtle live, (NSFW) click here to see some pictures taken from a camera phone. I still need to see that shit for myself! If I wave at it, do you think it will wave back? For $100 a ticket, it better!

Source

I didn't give you any full Blaaaake peen (see below), so maybe this will do for now. Although, it's not much. Seriously, if you blink you'll miss it.

Chris Cooley of the Washington Redskins likes to blog. Apparently, he likes to blog in the nude. Don't look at me. I don't play that game. Poop and blog, yes. Nude and blog, no.

The other day Chris posted a picture of the Redskins playbook and uploaded it to his blog, but failed to see his drowsy one-eyed worm saying "hiya" at the bottom of the picture. Click here to see it, but you might get more excitement out of opening your refrigerator and staring at the cold hot dogs.

And if you notice, Chris' one-eyed worm is precariously close to that notebook. That's a paper cut on the peen waiting to happen.

Chris' family is upset about his wang showing up on the internet. Pff! What's to be upset about? Peen happens!

VIA Deadspin

Thanks hzzg

Nicole Richie was leaving the Charlotte Ronson after-party in NYC the other night when a Swedish tourist started taking her picture. A witness told Page Six that Nicole handled it the Kanye West way. The witness said Nicole shouted at them, "I'm not an animal," and then she "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground."

Wow. Nicole Richie jumping over a velvet rope? That sounds kind of cute actually. It probably looked like a tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard.

And what Nicole didn't realize is that the Swedish tourist was taking her picture because she really thought Nicole was an animal! A marmoset with a silly headband. Seriously, Nicole needs to loosen that baby belt on her head and chill out! She should be happy that people are still taking her stupid ass picture.

Below is a video of a sweet and tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard. I take it back. There's no way Nicole looked this cute.

Gary Coleman, his giant wife (yes, they are still together), and his bodyguard --- WAIT! Gary Coleman needs a bodyguard? Is he paying him in animal crackers? I double checked and his bodyguard is not Todd Bridges. I don't know why he needs to hire a bodyguard when his wife can pretty much defend his ass with her wild horse teeth.

I digress.

Gary and his hos were leaving a bowling alley in Payson, Utah on Friday night when 24-year-old Colt Rushton got in his business and tried to get a picture. When Gary turned him down, Colt got even more aggressive and took a few pictures anyway. That's when the little angry man got into his vehicle, started to leave and ended up hitting Colt and another car. I've been hit by a Big Wheel before, it's more painful than it seems.

Colt has a totally different side of the story. He claims that Gary's scary giant wife grabbed his cell phone and when he tried to get it back, Gary started punching at him before getting into his truck and running him over.

Colt is not a quick thinker. Everybody knows that the best way to block punches from Gary Coleman is to hold his head while he's swinging. Duh.

Colt was taken to the hospital, treated and released. Hopefully, the nurses gave him a special hug for getting his ass beaten by Gary Coleman. That can't be good on the ego.

Police are currently investigating this shit. No arrests have been made, but they said booze might have played a part. That goes without saying. Gary really shouldn't have had that extra wine spritzer.

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