Jessica Simpson

As the last drops from Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid geyser continues to sprinkle on L.A., some people are wondering (not really) why she and that Eric Johnson dude came up with the name Maxwell Drew for a girl. They didn't name their 10 pounds of baby after Maxwell Caulfield and Drew Barrymore, or Maxwell House and Dr. Drew, or Maxwell Sheffield and Drew Lachey. "Maxwell Drew" elegantly rolls off the tongue like a Chicken McNugget half chewed up by Jessica, but they have a good reason for why they gave their daughter that name. It's a family names!

Rumor Fix says that Maxwell is Eric's middle name and his mom's before marriage name. Drew is Jessica's mother's before marriage name. Rumor Fix also says that the name Maxwell means "great stream" and the name Drew means "manly." Put those names together and you've got a real urinal cake breaker! That name meaning shit doesn't mean anything anyway. My first name means "who is like God" and my middle name means "Jehovah increases." Some shit got lost in translation somewhere, because that should really be "who is like Trash" and "Bitterness increases."

Well, now you know the meaning of Maxwell Drew, so you can sleep through the night without waking up to spit at Jessica and Eric for achieving new levels of dumb by coming up with that baby name.

The whole "using your mom's maiden name as your kid's first name" thing is not some shit most people can do, right? I like my mom's maiden name (Note: I will get a tree branch slap to the mouth from my abuelita if I don't type that), but if I named my kid that, it would have a permanent side-eye and it would learn how to flip me off real quick.

Yes, most hos in Los Angeles had to take a row boat to work this morning after Jessica Simpson flooded the streets with the tsunami of amniotic fluid that poured out of her while giving birth, but at least she can now walk the streets without having to worry about Ooma Loompas trying to roll her into the juicing room. Jessica announced on her site that 9 lbs. 13 oz. of baby came out of her body at a hospital in L.A. this morning.

As the Pop Tarts industry weeps over Jessica inevitably going on Weight Watchers to get her "body back," read the statement that I'm sure their baby wrote  herself since she had nothing else to do up in there but listen to Rosetta Stone MP3s.

"Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!" 

Maxwell Drew sounds like the name of Nancy Drew's know-it-all boy cousin who has dreams of becoming an R&B star.

Now that that's over, brace yourselves for all the magazine pictures of Baby Maxi holding her ears because she really doesn't want to her mother oversharing at the mouth about how great post-birth sex is. And can somebody please tell Papa Joe to take off that human breastfeeding pump costume already? Jessica isn't going to fall for it again!

The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!

Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:

“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”

Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some.

If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.

Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas!

One of Jezebel's readers sent them this picture from a Safeway in Tucson of a janky "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" shield covering Jessica Simpson's Photoshopped from head-to-belly naked body on the cover of Elle. That cardboard sign has been there for a full week, which tells you that people who shop at the Safeway in Tucson, Arizona are really good at following rules, because if that shit was at my neighborhood grocery story someone would've tagged over it with "Please Do Fap To This" by now. When Heidi Montag (yes, she still exists) barfs out her second album, she should release it exclusively to the Safeway in Tuscon and put a "PLEASE BUY THIS" cardboard sign over all ten copies. It will sell out!

No word on why Safeway chose to censor Jessica's nekkid ass body, but here are four theories:

1. Because she's naked.
2. Because she's naked AND knocked up.
3. Because due to Elle Photoshopping Jessica to infinity and beyond, they don't want their shoppers to get a distorted body image complex.
4. Because Papa Joe is in town and the last time he saw that cover in public....he...well...you know...

Whatever the reason is, it's a dumb fucking reason. That cardboard sign shouldn't go over Jessica's body. It should go over her mouth, so the bitch can stop talking about how her coochie is going to shoot out an amniotic fluid tidal wave during labor.

The entire county of Los Angeles has been put on flood alert and every citizen has been given a pair of water wings and told to watch out for floating bits of undigested Slutty Brownies. This happened after Jessica Simpson went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and told him that the reason why she looks like a SpongeBob hot air balloon in a yallaw wig is because she's got three lakes full of baby water up in there.

"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha.... Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Does that mean when Jessica farts, her three ton belly makes the same gurgling sound a Sparkletts water cooler makes when you flip it over?

I can deal with Jessica naming her baby Maxi Pad and I'm even okay with her going on about how she's giving her 10 pounds baby the dizzies with her non-stop pregnant fucking, but now she's gone too far. I mean, I've always figured that Papa Joe was seriously into squirter porn and now Jessica is telling me she's about to deliver the geyser squirt of all geyser squirts? Fuck you, Jessica, for giving me the image of Papa Joe waddling around in flippers, a scuba mask and a giant smile. SUCIO!

That is a look from a man who:

a) Knows his taste buds are officially destroyed after an air bomb from Jessica Simpson's ass landed on his tongue.

and

b: Is bracing himself for the possibility of getting knocked down by an explosion of BABIES!!!, Slutty Brownies and pregnant lady jizz.

Here's Jessica Simpson looking like an albino python in a yellow wig who swallowed a buffalo who swallowed a hippo who swallowed a pack of Giseles (the model, not the animal) who swallowed a dozen watering holes. Jessica has the entire Serengeti up in there. Even though Jessica is pregnant with the entire cast of The Lion King, I really have to hand it to her, and by "it" I mean a damn chair for her to sit her pregnant ass down! No, I really have to hand it to Jessica, because even though she's carrying 70 pounds of baby, she's still hitting the ho stroll hard by taking her bought bitch to the Panda Express to the stars Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last night.

Jessica proves that just because you're a swollen ball of horniness doesn't mean you can't put on a jacket made from Pier 1 placemats to take your piece to a restaurant where you'll gross everyone out by winking at your man while telling him that you want his double stuffed egg roll in a bad way.

Daisy Joelina, Slutty Brownie, Kenna Paves (never 4get) and Hunts Point Baloo (if she used the same baby name generator Ashlee Simpson used for Bronx Mowgli) were just some of the names I guessed when Jessica Simpson told Elle Magazine that she and Eric Johnson have already come up with a name for their unborn 4-year-old daughter. Jessica said that the name isn't going to make hos cross their eyes and it'll make sense to some. Well, InTouch Weekly claims they know the name and it makes sense, but it's also making me menstruate out an LOL.

“They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything,” a family friend confides.

“They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”

And not only has Jessica’s been seen wearing a necklace with a diamond “M” pendant in honor of her little bundle of joy, the couple also already ordered onesies monogrammed with the name! Jessica, 31, is now set to give birth on April 20, three weeks earlier than her original due date. “She’s gained so much weight and the baby is so big that doctors pushed up the date,” reveals her friend.

Jessica really had to fuck with a kid by giving her the nickname of Maxi! MAXI. Does anybody even use maxi pads anymore? Couldn't they have been a little more modern by naming their daughter Diva Cup Johnson or Kotex Johnson? They should just scribble down the name Maxi Pad on her birth certificate, because that's what everybody's going to call her. But let me think about this for a second.

Whenever I hear a baby name, I judge it by picturing the name in glitter on a poster hanging in the window of a gay bar on drag night. If the name lures me into the drag show, it's a winner. If the name leaves me cold and convinces me to eat frozen yogurt on the curb instead, shit is a dud. So, let me try it out:

*MAXI PAD JOHNSON*

Okay, I'd probably go in.

Because Jessica Simpson has to give you every last detail of her pregnancy including her exploding fart hole and a picture of her CGI naked body, she told Ryan Gaycrest on his radio show (via UsWeekly) this morning that she's 170 pounds, has never felt hotter and is having double stuffed orgasms. My thigh bones have flattened just from thinking about Jessica riding on her piece. Take it, Chestica:

"I am definitely 'feeling intimate and HOW! I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He's always ready!

I should ask Papa Joe if I could borrow the image maker in his brain, because I'm having a hard time picturing Jessica and Eric getting it on. How does it work, exactly? The missionary position is impossible. That would be like trying to fuck your piece while a stability ball is between you two. That would only work if you or your fuck partner is Tommy Lee, or if you or your fuck partner has an extendable vagina tunnel that looks like an elephant's nose. Hitting it from the back would also be impossible unless they dug a crater hole into the mattress and just planted Jessica in there. So, riding on top it is! Damn.

That shit must be intense. They probably have to get those people who transport the whales into the tanks at Sea World to hold Jessica up as she rides hard. A medic always has to be on hand to give Eric oxygen every time his last breath gets knocked out of him from Jessica's 2 ton belly hitting his stomach. And it's probably hard for Eric to keep his peen in Jessica when his unborn toddler's foot keeps trying to kick it out.

Jessica is riding on a pleasure seizure wave while Eric is scarred for life! It's hard out there for Jessica's bought-and-paid piece.

Thanks to Demi Moore showing off her naked pregnant ass on Vanity Fair in 1991 and the technological advances of Photoshop, any knocked up celebrity trick thinks she can flash all her nooks and crannies on the cover of a magazine. Case in point: here's Jessica Simpson recreating "the Demi" for Elle's April issue. Elle must have dulled all their Photoshop tools while touching this up, because Jessica's baby balloon in its current state would need 2 pages to show it in its complete glory. That's some "after the fold" shit. Either that, or this picture was taken at week 6 before a steady pregnancy diet of blended funnel cakes and Pop Tart burgers caused her ass to grow to the size of a whale's fart bubble.

Jessica tells Elle that she knew something in the womb was a baby when she suddenly didn't feel like boozing and biking:

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

Speaking of booze, not guzzling down any has been the hardest part of her pregnancy:

“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

That last part really made me queef out a happy queef on the inside, because now I know that there will be another human on this planet who says "A BIG THING OF WATER."

Jessica also said that she's having a girl and she will eat a bowl of raw vegetables to her death if her daughter turns out to be a butch bitch:

“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

Jessica has already come up with a name, and she says it's not a Pilot Inspektor kind of weird and it will make sense to people. With those clues, I'm thinking Jessica will go with: Dayzee Macallana Simpson or A BIG THING OF BABY Simpson.

And I've never noticed Jessica's innie belly button before. Or maybe she's really an outie and it ran up into her belly after watching Papa Joe slobber on set.

There are two reasons for why carrying a greedy, selfish fetus-shaped bundle of slobber for 9 months is a good thing. The first reason is that you can eat a deep fried chocolate burrito with cake batter sauce out in the open without judgmental hos dropping the gavel on you with their eyes. The second reason is that you get special treatment almost everywhere you go. People will give you their seat on the subway, some parking lots have special spaces for knocked up hos and even paraplegics will roll off of their wheelchairs so the pregnant lady can sit. Jessica Simpson was thinking she'd get this kind of special treatment when she waddled up to a popular Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, CA recently.

Star Magazine (via Radar) says there's always a long ass line to get into La Super-Rica Taqueria and Jessica thought she didn't have to wait because: a) She's Heffica Simpson; and b) People would feel guilty listening to her ankle bones crack while she stood in line behind them. Jessica tried to cut in front of the line, but nobody was having it. The source put it like this:

"Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."

Those people made the smartest decision of their lives! Think about it with your nose. Without a baby in her belly, Jessica's farts melt contact lenses and will take two of your senses to dark, dark places. The taste of Jessica's butt burps will never leave your tongue until you rinse with bleach and your nostrils will shrivel down to the size of an ant's peen slit. Your nostrils won't have the will to go on anymore. Add a baby and Mexican food, and you've got the ingredients for the most destructive weapon on this planet. If North Korea ever gets too bold, we just have to roll Jessica to their borders, turn her around and then hand her a tub of Pintos 'N Cheese. The next thing you'd see is millions of North Koreans waving white flags while singing Kumbaya.

The waiting diners at La Super-Rica Taqueria know what I'm talking about. They were not about to let Jessica turn their delicious plate of chilaquiles into a plate of shitaquiles. Nope.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)