Denise Richards

Denise Richards usually looks like she was just caught in the headlights of a spaceship that flew over the moon on an empty tank of gas before crashing outside of Charlie Sheen's octagon, but that doesn't mean she has the right to commit a first-degree OVER THE MOON violation, but she just did! Denise has adopted a new baby friend from here in the US and announced it on Twatter last night:

Thank you all for your sweet messages. The girls and I are over the moon and so is my dad Grandpa Irv...xo
11 hours ago via web

Denise named her third daughter Eloise Joni after her mother who died of cancer 4 years ago.

Look, my soul is planking over a puddle of happiness (not really) that Denise got herself a baby who doesn't have a drop of tiger blood and doesn't have to play nice with the warlock's whores every other week. Good for her etc..etc... But Denise going satellite humping over adopting a kid is inexcusable as is her stuffing words into Grandpa Irv's mouf! Grandpa Irv would never beat the dead moon with his mouth like so many celebwhores do!

Denise knows what it feels like to have overexcited strangers on top of her and yet she does the same thing to the moon?! Shame: I'm serving Denise a giant cup of some!

And woe is Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller's twin boys, because even though they wrote "PLEASE SAVE US" in their slobber on Denise's driveway every morning, she didn't get the hint. Oh, well, they can always resubmit their transfer applications to the wolves again.

via UsWeekly

The block in hell reserved exclusively for pug murderers just got a Charlie Sheen nameplate bonded to the bars of one of its cells, because TMZ is saying that a wrinkly faced dog is snoring in heaven thanks to the ash-fisted alley cat troll. Charlie Sheen spewed out this Tweet earlier this morning after his ex-wife Denise Richards refused to hand over the pug that was living at a house. It's not that Denise is afraid the tiger blood in Charlie's system will take over and he'll eat the face off her pug. Denise is afraid that her pug will die of malnourishment after weeks of trying to survive on cigarette butts, shower water stuck between the tiles and old crack rock residue. This is what allegedly happened to Denise's other pug. Yeah, I'm not even done telling this story and it's already getting 5 out of 5 sad pugs:

When Denise and Charlie split up, she let him take care of her 2 pugs so that their daughters could play with them at his house during visits. The pugs were doing okay until Charlie's chandelier-murdering breakout at the Plaza hotel. Shortly after that, Denise started hearing that her pugs weren't being fed and were in a bad way. Denise rescued her dogs from Charlie, but sadly one died of malnourishment. And now Charlie wants the other pug to be the mascot of his tour bus, so he wants it back. Denise isn't going to let that happen.

Julian Sands is the only warlock in my eyes, and he wears specially made silk gloves when he pets a pug out of fear that he'll be too rough with it. And Charlie Sheen let one die a slow painful death?! If this is true, who in Satan's cunt hell does he think he is? Ina Garten?!

I could sprain my finger tips from writing all the things that should happen to Charlie Sheen, but instead I'll just say that I hope he comes back as one of Parasite Hilton's dogs in his next life.

A warlock who's a blood relative of Tony the Tiger sounds like a character you might rent for your kid's birthday party, but Denise Richards isn't about to leave her daughters inside the octagon fortress of duh winning. Besides a few Tweets her and there, Denise has kept her lips shut on the Sheenanigans of Charlie. However, TMZ says that Denise would rather let a coagulated tiger blood ball and a warlock's anus take care of her 6-year-old and 5-year-old than let them spend a second with Charlie Sheen.

Apparently, Denise believes what Brooke Mueller said about how Charlie proclaimed his hate for her and told his goddesses that he wanted to shave her head off. Denise believes it, because when she turned down Charlie's invitation for a family portrait (including Brooke, her twin boys and the goddesses), he released his rage on her in the form of several text messages. Denise also has reason to believe that one of Charlie's goddesses is still hitting that crack pipe.

Denise is doing the right thing. Charlie is currently fiery fists deep in an epic battle against the maggots and trolls, and we all know that a war zone is no place for little girls. And by that I mean Charlie might throw another tantrum when they bring their Barbie dolls out into the garden while his warlock action figure throws "pow pow pows" at actual maggots in the soil.

Denise also doesn't have to worry about Charlie for a while. Right after he jumped on his mercury surfboard and rode it all the way to Asia, he was captured by the Japanese.

And here I was thinking that it would take a media blackout to turn Charlie Sheen's #winning into #losing when it really just takes a stick and a volleyball net.

via Videogum

Think about all the times Denise Richards has walked in on an 18-year-old call girl trying to resuscitate a blacked out Charlie Sheen by blowing crack smoke into his mouth (aka Crackpulmonary Resuscitation)? A LOT. The memory chip in Denise Richards' head must look a lot like Brian De Palma's entire catalog. And yet, Denise always pastes a programmed smile on her face and refuses to drag Charlie through the shit pile whenever anybody asks about him. In the age of ho tricks selling every detail to tabloids for an anal bleaching gift certificate and a Sunset Tan coupon, Denise stays pretty much mute. They don't make hos like Denise anymore.

For instance, Denise is a guest co-host on The View today (they pre-taped that shit yesterday) and Radar says she didn't slam the asshole who signs her child support check when Barbara Walters asked her if his latest act of crackery surprises her.

"No, I mean it doesn't. I mean, you know this is Charlie's lifestyle. He makes no bones about it... and it is what it is. This has been something I have dealt with for years... this is not a new situation. There are times where his life is more colorful than others, more public than others, and as the kids get older it's a difficult thing. I'm learning as I go too. I have never had to deal with this and this was a subject I had hoped to talk with my children about as they got older. But it's hard."

If every bitch was like Denise, the world would be a better place. I snatch that. back No, it wouldn't, because then what would we poke at with our cunt sticks if every person gave a diplomatic Miss America answer to every question? Yeah, fuck that. Then we'd have to sit around and talk about how Denise is starting to resemble Lady Elaine Fairchilde dressed up as Lady from Lady and the Tramp.

The first thing I asked myself after going through UsWeekly's story about Nikki Sixx supposedly dating Denise Richards was: "Is the triangle pubic bush on his chin a good look or not?" And the second thing I asked myself was: "Hasn't Nikki Sixx dated Heather Locklear before?" The answer to that question is NO (she was with Nikki's bandmate Tommy Lee), but it seems like Denise is always trolling Heather's Who's Dated Who page for fuck partners. I'm just blowing things up as usual, but I still wouldn't be surprised to see Denise running hand-in-hand with Jack Wagner down a sandy beach at sunset.

And since I brought up Jack Wagner, let's make "All Aaaaaaah Neeed" the official theme song for this post.

A source type tells UsWeekly that Denise and Nikki have been neighbors for a long time, but it was only recently that they took their relationship from "May I borrow some sugar?" to "May I lick sugar off your ass crack?" The source went on to say that they are taking things slow. Nikki last dated Kat Von D, and Denise's last known piece was Richie Sambora.

Well, I guess Denise definitely has a type. If your butt cheeks haven't touched a toilet seat in rehab, Denise ain't licking them. And I bet a lump of vomit didn't even rise to your throat when thinking about Denise's robot face licking azucar off of Nikki's ass cheeks. It's the Jack Wagner touch. He soothes everything.

A few days after Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly completing task 1 on Michael Lohan's list of daily activities, Denise Richards was photographed with her two daughters at the park looking like the perfect Norman Rockwell painting as seen through the eyes of an E! Executive. I guess some bitches thought Denise set up the photo opportunity to show how happy her family is while Charlie sits in a cold jail cell. But Denise resembles resents that remark! Denise took her Twitter and wrote this up:

for all the negative nellies out there, I DID not have a f..ing photo op with my kids at a park when there is drama u get followed more
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

I genuinely love to be with my girls and don't have a nanny raising them. They are my #1 priority and always will be.
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

# sorry had to vent s*** pisses me off sometimes..one day..I will spill my guts about EVERYTHING
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

Of course it wasn't a photo-op! Would Denise really do that? Denise always drives to the park in a hair and make-up van. She also always has a stylist and hairdresser on site when she's playing with her girls at the park. They are part of the family! And the text message that Denise wrote to "Paco at Splash" was to confirm her colonic appointment for later in the day. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU!

And Denise, keep your guts to yourself. We're all good. Seriously, the last time you spilled your guts it took 4 crews, 5 boxes of Ajax and a fumigation tent to clean up the mess. AND your john rushed out of there so fast that he didn't leave the rest of the money on the nightstand. So, it's better if you keep the cork firmly in place. Besides, we all know Charlie Sheen gives Freddy Krueger nightmares. We don't need to look at your guts to tell us that.

Denise Richards was on Howard Stern's Sirius show yesterday and he asked her the obligatory question: "Are your breasts real?" This ho was married to Charlie Sheen. Charlie won't fuck with a trick unless she's got silicone marinating in her chesticle area. The truest thing you'll hear all hour.

Denise admitted to Howard that her buh-bees had been touched by a surgeon's knife three times. Once, twice, three time fake titties....

Denise said, "Um, natural on outside, on the inside they are not. I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought, 'Whoa, you can just buy them,' and stupidly had them done!" Denise thought her new leased chichis were too big, so she went under again to get them downsized, "The next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good -- they were a D!"

She went in a third time and now she's happy, "I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don't do it!"

Okay, I know Denise isn't the biggest anal bead on the string (that wasn't supposed to make sense), but what the hell kind of GD garage plastic surgeon did she go to the second time?! She wanted smaller, but he gave her bigger?! Did he inject crystal soil jelly from the swap meet into her chichis too?!

I'm also going to take a wild guess when I say that Denise's second booby surgeon is probably her current make-up artist and hairdresser. Here's everyone's favorite former pussy merchant out in NYC yesterday looking like Miss Piggy working the child beauty pageant circuit after a crash diet. This is not the look.

I'm sure that title alone made your ears curl up into your head where they are shaking and waiting for the coast to clear. It's really as awful as it sounds. This kills SOULS. This kills BONERS. This kills EVERYTHING.

At a Chicago Cubs game today, some hateful bitch gave Denise Richards a microphone so she could screech "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." The grass died, hundreds of birds committed mass suicide, clouds exploded, children turned into dust and Denise kept on going.

If two cats in heat every wake you up in the middle of the night, just play this for them and it will instantly turn each of them into THIS.

(Thanks Cara)

Scratch that. Denise Richards probably has a camera crew on staff. I just hope they get a nice big close-up on her face when she finds out about the news that Charlie Sheen and his wifey are expecting twins. Brooke's mother confirms to People that they are going to have twin prostitute tranny babies in April!

Brooke's mommy, Moira Fiore, said, “Obviously, I am floating on air.” Um...it's probably because of that fifth martini you had at lunch, Moira. Slow it down.

Moira went on to say, "Brooke has had all day morning sickness but is coming to the end of the first trimester so she hopefully will feel better soon. It has been rough for her."

Moire thinks they are having twin boys, but she isn't completely sure. Yeah, that fifth martini is fogging up her memory.

Charlie and Brooke are so predictably boooooring. Twins?! That's the best they could do? Everyone in Hollywood is having twins. It's time to step it up to triplets or at least conjoined twins.

As for possible names, I'm thinking Dennis and Richard.

The most patient pepaw on reality TV is coming back. Yes, that means his slutty robot daughter, Denise Richards, is also joining him. Denise told UsWeekly that her reality shit show "I'm Constipated" has been renewed for a second season. Yay! Another season of baby whorin' and pig pimpin'!

Denise said: "It's coming back for another season. We start filming in a few months."

She also confirmed that Irv is the real star of the show. "He was driving home on the freeway and a group of girls had him roll down his window and they yelled, 'I love your show!"

That's right. HIS show. Irv is just nice enough to let Denise have a supporting role in it.

Of course, Denise also used the time with UsWeekly, to comment on not commenting about Charlie, his knocked up wife. She said: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

In case you missed that, she's not commenting. She's not. You know that little c-word was dancing around her tongue, just waiting to pop out. She soooo wanted to blurt, "They're both CUNTS and they're baby is going to be a prostitute tranny!" Hey, she's the one who said it....under her breath. Not me. And it's always bothered me that Denise says "prostitute tranny" instead of "tranny prostitute."