Rihanna

In "RiRi is a tacky, tardy ass, but what else is new?" news, RiRi kept 2,000 school children in Chicago waiting for over three hours on Thursday afternoon. Barrington High School in Chicago won first place in the national "Shine Like A Diamond" contest and their prize was getting a visit from RiRi.  They should've asked if they could get cash instead, because they waited and waited and waited and waited and waited for her stupid ass to show up.

The Chicago Tribune says that the students were all gathered in the gym at around noon and she was supposed to drop in at 1pm. When 1pm came and went, all the kids turned into clumps of boredom and spent their time Facebooking on their phones and braiding each other's hair. The school then announced that she would show up at 2. At around 4:30, RiRi tweeted that she was stuck in traffic. Bitch finally strolled in after 5pm and was there for a grand total of 16 minutes. RiRi talked for a second and posed for pictures before leaving. RiRi didn't apologize for being a tardy bitch. The school principal said that she apologized to him and gave him a few extra concert tickets to pass out to the students.

Several students weren't amused and weren't shy about it either. One seventh grader said, "Rihanna is pathetic. She shouldn't be making us wait for her." Another student co-signed that statement and added a few words of her own, "It's one thing to be fashionably late. This is just rude. Our lives don't revolve around a pop star. Our school worked hard to win this. She should be more respectful."

First of all, the only reason for RiRi to be at a school assembly is to tell the children to learn from her mistakes and to not go back to the crusted-over piece of dick cheese who almost beat your face off. Second of all, RiRi could've apologized by giving every student a weed bouquet. Nothing says I'm truly sorry like a weed bouquet.

RiRi is NO Tina Yothers. Tina Yothers spoke at my school and not only did she stay for hours, but she also had lunch with us. But I'm sure she only had lunch with us because it was square pizza day.

(Pic via @spanishnavy)

Jada Pinkett Smith took a little break from screaming at Willow to throw that math homework in the trash and sing, child, sing to sit down and write an open letter to the media and everyone else on Facebook (via HuffPo) about the "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) of young celebrities. Jada Pinkett Smith did her best Chrissy Crocker impersonation and screamed at everyone to leave Justin Bieber, RiRi and Taylor Swift aloooooooooooooooone.

One of Scientology's down low disciples wants us all to remember when were Taylor Swift's age and we were innocently working with our PR team to perfectly craft a sellable image using the songs we wrote about our ex-boyfriends. Remember that?! Jada wants us to remember when we were Justin Bieber's age and were throwing tantrums in our weed smoke-filled dressing rooms while our parents sat in the mansion we bought, because they don't want to get jobs. Remember that?! Remember that while reading what Jada wrote:

This last week, I had to really evaluate the communication in regard to our young artists in the media. I was trying to differentiate cyber-bullying from how we attack and ridicule our young stars through media and social networks. It is as if we have forgotten what it means to be young or even how to behave like good ol' grown folk. Do we feel as though we can say and do what we please without demonstrating any responsibility simply because they are famous?

Is it okay to continually attack and criticize a famous 19 year old who is simply trying to build a life, exercise his talents while figuring out what manhood and fame is all about as he carries the weight of supporting his family as well as providing the paychecks to others who depend on him to work so they can feed their families as well? Does that render being called a cunt by an adult male photographer as you try to return to your hotel after leaving the the hospital? Or what about our nine year old beautiful Oscar nominee who was referred to as a cunt as well? Or what about being a young woman in her early twenties, exploring the intracacies of love and power on the world stage? And should we shame a young woman for displaying a sense of innocence as she navigates through the murky waters of love, heartbreak, and fame? Are these young people not allowed to be young, make mistakes, grow, and eventually transform a million times before our eyes? Are we asking them to defy the laws of nature because of who they are? Why can't we congratulate them for the capacity to work through their challenges on a world stage and still deliver products that keep them on top.

We all know how hard it is to keep our head above water, even in the privacy of our own homes let alone on the world stage. Imagine yourself, at their age, with the spotlights, challenges and responsibilities. Most of us would have fallen to the waste side before we could even get to a crashed Ferrari, a controversial romance, several heart breaks, or an Oscar nomination at NINE. We WISH we could have had the capacity to accomplish HALF of what they have accomplished along with ALL these challenges they face. But...maybe THAT'S the problem...we WISH we could have or even...we WISH we could.

Don't tell me what to do, Jada! You're not my mom! Stop eating my food! Get out of my house! I hate you!

But seriously, Jada also slapped down a friend in an open letter on Facebook, because the friend wasn't making her blended family work and she needs to WOMAN UP and stop coming between her man and her man's children with another woman. So my question is, when did Jada become the Dear Abby of Facebook even though nobody was asking for her advice? I liked Jada so much better when she was in that shitty metal band.

Here's Jada leaving her hotel with Willow a few weeks ago.

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

"Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female ... If you're not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby. It's mine girl, it's mine girl, it's mine... So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin' building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga."

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What's Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I'm sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she's probably creaming over this. And she's the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can't, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here's Chris Brown's property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.

In case you didn't already know from her 5,000 tweets about it, RiRi is back to boning on The Difficult Brown full-time and she tells Elle UK (via NYDN) that she wants to be with him forever and ever and she feels like they have a fresh new start. The "fresh new start" sounds like something straight out of a douche commercial and that's pretty fitting. When talking about her single "Stay," RiRi farted out something about how the song is about wanting to be with a bitch until the end and she definitely has that feeling for Chris Brown. It's safe that she was also definitely fucked up on the wrong shit when she said it:

"‘Stay' is a story about having love that close and wanting it to last forever. You don't have that feeling with everybody so when you have it you don't want to let go of it. I would definitely say that he is the one I have that kind of relationship with. What we want is a great friendship that's unbreakable. Now that we're adults we can do this right. We got a fresh start and I'm thankful for that.“I have my own reasons, very very private reasons [for taking him back]. Very personal. A lot of things. Bottom line is - I know him. I had a lot to think about and I had a lot of time to think about it. I was trying to do this for myself.”

RiRi then said that she definitely wants to pussy pop out a baby someday and she stopped herself from saying that she wants to make one with The Difficult Brown, because even that ho knows not to go THAT far.

"Shall I say this? I will probably have a kid. [Who'll be the father?] I can't tell you that. It's not my business. It's God's business."

God's business? So God is going to tell her coochie which dick to suck a load of baby batter from? Well, hopefully God points her in the direction of any dick that doesn't belong to Chris Brown. I don't know why she would want to have a baby with Chris Brown. Chris Brown is already a toddler and the worst kind of toddler. He gets pissed off at everything and instead of shitting himself while pounding his fists on the ground, he shits in your eye and then pounds his fists on your face. So why would she want to deal with two fist pounding toddlers at the same time?

RiRi's health insurance rate dropped by 75% last week when it was reported that she and The Difficult Brown broke up, but like most awful things in life (examples: herpes, the new 90210, Donald Trump's ability to speak), their love is not going away even though all of us want it to. RiRi spent some of her 25th birthday yesterday holding the hand that beat her face in a few years ago. While wearing my laundry bag as a skirt, RiRi trolled the beaches of Oahu with Chris Brown and shared a joint  with him. That poor joint. Just like Chris' silky shorts, it probably wants to escape and get far away from this entire mess.

I'm not sure what's going on in this picture. Is he trying to jack off on the sand, but can't get it up, so RiRi's consoling him? Is he trying to push out a stubborn doody bubble and RiRi's giving him moral support by throwing her arm around him? Did he finally come to the realization that he's Chris Brown and is choking on the river of diarrhea that's rising up his throat?

And RiRi and Chris Brown better set their DVRs, because next week's Law & Order: SVU is dedicated to them!

The actor playing the Chris Brown-ish character needs to turn down the raw emotion, because Chris Brown was not THAT believable when he gave a fake non-apology.

RiRi was in London last night for the launch of her fashion line, which is perfect for the Tampa Bay-area beach hooker who wants to look like she bought all of her ho shit uniforms at The Salvation Army in the early 90s, and while going to the after-party for her show, she scraped her knee. ESCANDALO, I know.

America's foremost literary journal of all things true Media Takeout (via HL, TMZ, DM and everywhere else) says that when RiRi and model Cara Delevingne were walking into The Box, some batshit crazy fan started screaming some stuff about Chris Brown while throwing a glass bottle of Lucozade at her. The bottle didn't hit RiRi, but all the chaos made her fall into a metal grate and the grate cut her knee right open. MTO says that RiRi's knee SLICED open, but I'm sure most of us have had razor cuts on our assholes that were deeper than that cut.

After the crazed fan tried to hit RiRi with a bottle, her bodyguard went after the bottle hurler and hurt his leg while doing so. The fan got away and RiRi's bodyguard had to go to the hospital for treatment.

There are thousands of pictures of RiRi going into and coming out of The Box last night and I couldn't find one picture of the crazed fan or a picture of a bottle flying at her head. So either it didn't happen or the crazed fan is a pap-proof ninja ghost. If that's the case, can't the crazed fan use their ninja-like powers to go after The Difficult Brown next time? Speaking of The Difficult Brown, England better pull in the welcome mat, lock the doors and turn off all the nights, because I have a feeling that Chris Brown is going to land on their shores after smelling RiRi's blood.

For even more RiRi fuckery, click here to see what happened when The Sunday Times Magazine lost their minds and put a whole lot of WRONG on their cover.

And more importantly, why is Cara Delevingne dressed like the sluttiest member of JJ Fad?

Because RiRi thinks she's the second coming of Bob Marley and a hero to all stoners, she Instagrammed a picture of the marijuana plant somebody gave her for National Single Awareness Day and added the note: "Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy." You probably didn't read any of those words, because as soon as that picture loaded your mouth pulled your head toward the screen and you'll stay stuck there until the people who clean your office at night pry you off, Windex your screen and then put your mouth back on it.

Some people think that RiRi's bouquet from FTD's Willie Nelson collection came from Chris Brown. If it did, then RiRi must've found later that her marijuana plant was actually a bushel of funny-looking oregano, because they both showed up to Playhouse in Hollywood last night and she treated him like he was Frank Ocean and she was him. RiRi sat far away from him and kept throwing her stank face at him. Some witness type said this to UsWeekly:

"[They were] not at all on speaking terms. She refused to sit with or even near him. When she noticed he was there, she made a huge show of rubbing her presence in his face."

Please tell me that "rubbing her presence in his face" is just a really polite way of saying that she threw her dirty tampon at his face or dropped a queef bomb in his piña colada. But really, this is just The Difficult Brown and RiRi being The Difficult Brown and RiRi. You know, he tries to kill her, they kiss, they make up, he tries to kill her again, they kiss, they make up, etc... That's just them.

It's pretty obvious that The Difficult Brown is the one who gave her that beautiful gift, because he knows that marijuana reduces the intensity of pain. That is SO caring of him.

And here's some extremely riveting pictures of RiRi going to another club last night.

If you just spent a few hours watching beige paint dry on a beige wall and need to bring yourself down from the excitement, watch the uncircumcised video (click here for the circumcised version) for RiRi and Mikky Ekko's single "Stay." It's just RiRi sitting in a tub, lying in a tub, sitting in a tub, lying in a tub and sitting in a tub some more. It's some "Calgon, put me to sleep" shit. We're supposed to think that RiRi is bringing the raw emotion, but the only thi ng I can think about is how many times she peed and farted in the water (they took the fart bubbles out in post-production). So if you really want to watch RiRi sit in a tub of water, watch the video above.

Or instead, you can tell that video to eff off and watch two genteel ladies bond outside of the W Hotel in Hollywood last night:

Usually, in battles between a blonde beauty and a dark-haired beauty, I'm all for the dark-haired beauty (see: Alexis in Dynasty, Brenda in 90210, Cristal in Showgirls, Bianca in Beverly Hills Teens, Catra in She-Ra, etc....), but for some reason I'm really into Sarah.

via E! News and WOW Report

File this under: Another metaphor for The Difficult Brown's life.

Four years ago, Chris Brown smashed RiRi's face into a car door the night before the Grammys and on this year's Grammy Eve, he smashed his Porsche's face into a wall. No lady faces were hurt this time. So that means Chris Brown is growing, right?

TMZ, The Los Angeles Times, Radar and everybody else says that Chris Brown was driving his Porsche to the Debbie Allen Dance Academy for the Symphonic Love Foundation event in L.A. yesterday when he claims two paparazzos cut him off, causing him to lose control and crash into a wall in an alley. The Difficult Brown's Porsche was totaled and his spokeswhore blamed it all on the paparazzi. But the owner of one photo agency tells TMZ that the paparazzi showed up to the scene after The Difficult Brown crashed his Porsche and no photographers were chasing him. The owner said that they weren't the reason why Chris Brown crashed his Porsche. So if the paparazzi aren't to blame, who is? My guess is that Chris Brown caught his Porsche peeping at his phone, so he really showed it by smashing its face into the wall.

And as Frank Ocean quietly cackles at the fact that Chris Brown has one less car to park in his parking space, Team Breezy is probably trying to make the hashtag #theporschedeservedit happen on Twitter.

At The Daily Mail, they have a picture of a malnourished Chris Brown making his way to court and I know this post should be about how he obviously beat up a low-level insurance agent from the 1970s to get that wrinkly suit, but I'm too busy shaking my head at RiRi walking behind him with a look in her eye that says, "Get my good side, bitch."

Chris Brown and his lawyer Mark Geragos were in a Los Angeles court room today to answer to the D.A.'s accusation that he faked most of his community service hours and should have his probation revoked. Not much happened in court today, the judge said he needed to look over the prosecutor's evidence, told Chris Brown to meet with his probation officer within the next two days and then a hearing date was set for early April. But RiRi's ass showed up with Chris Brown and put on a show in the court room...

Hollywood Life says they walked into the court room together and when RiRi sat with his mom, she blew him a kiss. Then after the hearing was over, they walked out of the court room arm-in-arm and she looked like she was trying to cheer him up. Chris Brown is on probation for beating RiRi's face and there she was blowing him kisses of love.

RiRi and Chris Brown really are going all out with the stunts this time. I'm surprised they didn't show up to court with their wedding clothes on and asked the judge to marry them since he's changed, they're in love and the judge is a judge. If you're going to pull a STUNT QUEEN move, really pull a STUNT QUEEN move.

And after court, Chris Brown's lawyer held a press conference where he said that the D.A. is "torturing" The Difficult Brown and he wants the judge to hold them all in contempt for spreading lies by saying that Chris made up his community service hours.

I don't even know what to say to that mess, but I will say that I can't believe it took me this long to ask: What in scalped horse hell is that on RiRi's head?