Rihanna

Try not to have a seizure due to shock, but Chris Brown will not go to jail for Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi. TMZ says that Chris struck a deal today. Every prisoner in every jail in L.A. is disappointed, because they were hoping to turn that ass out!

Chris must serve 180 consecutive days of hard labor in Virginia (where he lives). To Chris, hard labor is probably wiping his own ass or whoopin' a trick. But to the system, hard labor is picking up trash on the freeway. Be sure to honk if you see Chris in an orange jumpsuit!

On top of that, Chris will be on probation for 5 years for felony assault. If he violates his probation, he could go to prison for up to 4 years. That's a silver lining for you, prisoners of L.A.!

Chris was also ordered to stay away from RiRi and he must complete a domestic violence counseling program.

I wonder if they wrapped up this deal in fancy paper with a purdy bow on top, because this shit is a gift to Chris Brown.

Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn

At an event called the "NBA Finals" (hell if I know) in Orlando last night, Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe and Ike Turner Jr. reunited....sort of. Not really. They both showed up to the game, but sat at opposite ends of the court. There's a deep-meaning haiku in there somewhere.

According to hos who were there, RiRi and Chris Brown didn't pay any attention to each other. There were rumors that they were going to sit together, but none of that shit happened.

Now I know why RiRi has "cockatoo on growth hormones" hair. If Chris Brown gets near her, her hair can peck his eyes out or chip out one of his giant Chiclets. And could Chris look any crazier? With his shirt buttoned all the way up like that, he looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Forrest Gump. Even his teefs look like they need to be strapped into a straitjacket.

When the unofficial version of The Lord of CAPS' "Paranoid" leaked last week, his tittays got all sweaty, because he was upset that the world was not seeing the real version of his masterpiece. Well, here it is now. Just the way God (Kanye) intended!

It's actually the same except for some floating words and Kanye West as a werewolf who is thirsty for tenheads. Speaking of, RiRi tries to bring out the raw emotion in this and comes out dry. Just the other night I was telling my friend that I would kick my own crotch bone to see Alien Princess RiRi in a one-woman remake of Purple Rain as The Kid, Morris and Apollonia. After watching her try to act in this, I am 100% sure that Purple Rain should be her next project! RiRi has the shitty acting skills needed to recreate the magic!

VIA Kanye's Blog

So it looks like Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe is no longer part of Ike & Tina 2.0, because the other day in NYC, she was spotted tongue fucking Aubrey Drake Graham of Degrassi: The Next Generation. Page Six says that the two were getting their intergalactic dry fuck on at Lucky Strike Lanes. The source said, "She was drinking whiskey and apple juice and making out with him all night. They were really cute together."

Whiskey and apple juice? What's that shit? I don't know whether to heave or salivate. I'm not so sure about that apple juice crap. It reminds me of the time that I thought Strawberry Quik and Bacardi would make a delicious combination. The barfs couldn't come quick enough. I think I'll stick to drinking my whiskey with soda, neat or on a peen.

RiRi will not be outdone by that low-budget trick Cassie! It was "Cassie's got her pierced tittays out" week, but now it's "RiRi's got her pierced alien balls out" week. Maybe. Some pictures claiming to be a totally nekkid RiRi have hit the interwebs. I don't know if they are fake or not, but what I want to know is why do these hos keep taking pictures of themselves with camera phones? Can't they do this shit with a real camera? Go pro or go home is what I say.

(NSFW) Click here to see RiRi in all her alien glory.

Alien Princess RiRi walked the ho stroll of NYC yesterday looking like she was peddling some ass with a side of peen to the highest bidder. I'm not even joking when I say that I've seen those exact thigh high leather pantywhores on a tranny prostitute down in Florida. Bitch is going to be pissed that RiRi jacked her style. Add Jane Child to that list too. Jane does not want to fall in love with RiRi's earring/necklace combo thing. That shit is a little too close to Jane's signature earring/nosering/necklace contraption. It's also begging to be YANKED.

Here's more of RiRi looking like Bobby Trendy in NYC yesterday afternoon. That night, she changed into an outfit she bought at The Last Dragon prop and costume auction.

....it's usually because they've just seen this outfit. You know, I'm really beginning to think that Prince and Morris Day fell in love on the set of Purple Rain and gave birth to Alien Princess RiRi. RiRi inherited Morris' obsession with satin and Prince's everything else! I bet their pussies even match. Seeing RiRi in this shit is making me want to scream, "Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!"

If Stormer from The Misfits wore this outfit I'd be on the ground worshiping her beauty, but it's not really working for me on RiRi. I think a keytar would really make this outfit happen.

Here's RiRi wearing one of Tuxedo Mask's old ones at the Costume Institute Gala at The Met last night.

The photo that was felt around the world might get the case against Chris Brown completely dismissed. Chris' lawyer, Mark Geragos, blabbed this morning outside of the courthouse that if the beat down photo of Alien Princess RiRi was leaked by someone from inside the LAPD, he will ask that the entire case be put down.

There's currently an investigation going down as to how TMZ got a hold of the picture. Today in court, Mark asked that the preliminary hearing date be pushed back to give more time for the investigation. Mark said, "The leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regards to outrageous governmental misconduct." The new hearing was set for May 28th. Mark is expected to file a motion regarding the photo before then. There's also a chance that there may not even be a hearing if Chris' lawyer is able to strike up a deal with the prosecution before then.

I'm not a lawyer like Star Jones, but I'm guessing Mark Geragos is going to yammer on to the court about how the beat down photo has already made him look guilty to possible jurors....blah...blah...

That's my guess anyway. It's not like this is going to go trial. Chris will strike a deal, they will slightly tap him on the hand and tell him not to do it again. Then he'll go to anger management where he will have talk about why he's so angry and that will be that. At least that's what watching a few episodes of Law & Order tells me.

Alien beater, Chris Brown, has apparently dusted his fists off and is ready to give this love thing another go after splitting up with Alien Princess RiRi last month. According to the New York Daily News, Chris is back to busting it with his ex-girlfriend Erica Jackson who is a student at University of Mary Washington. Ugh. Erica better change her major to Getafuckingclue-nomics.

Sources say that Chris and Erica used to date back in the day, but when he went back to his native Virginia, the two started doing it again. The source went on to say that they've been getting serious the past couple of weeks and Erica has gone to L.A. with him. As for RiRi, some of Chris' friends think she's going to flip her forehead over this, “Ri is going to be so hurt that Chris has moved on so quickly and is parading this new girl around town.”

And while new/old girl is "no Rihanna," she "has a good head on her shoulders; she’s solid." I hope her good head is protected by a good fucking helmet when she's around Chris.

Chris' pr whores deny the whole thing. Of course, they deny it. It's not like they are going to admit that this whole thing is painted in a thick coat of PR STUNT (which is the exact shade of dehydrated diarrhea). That's all this is. Chris just needs a lovely little thing to defend him to the public. I can already picture Erica in a floral dress, carrying a bible in one hand and a kitten she named "Chris" in the other while saying that the only time Chris touches her is to gently stroke her cheek. The spin cycle is on high!

Chris Brown was in court today to plead "not guilty" to mangling Alien Princess RiRi. Chris will have to go back to court on April 29th for more fun and games. Everyone expected Chris to drop the "not guilty" shit, because he's currently trying to work out some kind of plea deal with prosecutors. Chris' lawyer didn't speak to reporters after the hearing, but RiRi's lawyer took the mic and said sang a few things.

He said that RiRi just wants to stick the whole thing in a bong and smoke it up, because she doesn't want to go to trial. When asked if RiRi would testify if that shit went to trial, he said she'll do anything the law requires her to do. He finished with, "My client recognizes it is not up to her what kind of deal. It is up to the D.A. to decide. She would prefer that this be resolved expeditiously and fairly... so she can get back to her life, which is exactly what she wants to do."

In related news, Dollhouse Dude was MIF (missing in fuckery) again! This isn't amusing. Dollhouse Dude is the keeper of the court (steps) and he hasn't been there to keep the foolery going! Actually, I don't think Chris' plea even counts if Dollhouse Dude isn't there to give his blessing. I'm not a lawyer, but I've done fucky times with plenty and that makes me an authority on the subject! Pull Dollhouse Dude out of the Del Taco bathroom he passed out in and get him to the court now! Mofo has a job to do.

VIA UsWeekly