Rihanna

The first part of RiRi's interview with the always constipated-faced Diane Sawyer aired on Good Morning America today, and she had a very important message to everyone: "EFF LOVE!"

When speaking about why she went back to Chris Brown after he repeatedly beat her, she said that she was in love. Even when the entire world found out they were the second coming of Ike & Tina, she still went back to him. But RiRi said that she quit him for good when she realized that some girls could get killed for following her example, "Even if Chris never hit me again, who is to say that their boyfriend won't? Who's to say that they won't kill these girls? These are young girls and I just didn't realize how much of an impact I had on these girls' lives until that happened." RiRi's advice to these girls out there is to not go back because of love. In fact, she said, "Eff love." EXACTLY. If love had a dick I would eff with it. But it doesn't (it has a no crotch like Barbie).

You know, after listening to RiRi speak I realized that she sounds EXACTLY like one of my chola cousins named Cindy (hey girl). It's uncanny. Who knew that the Bajan accent is the long-lost twin of the Southern California chola accent? Seriously, I was waiting for RiRi to turn to the camera, pop her Bubble Yum gum, and say, "Ay Michael! You pinche babosa!"

Alien Princess RiRi is publicly speaking out for the first time about "the incident." Hey, an album ain't gonna sell itself!

RiRi told Glamour Magazine that the night after Chris Brown Ike Turnered her, she woke up as Our Lady of Cheetos. No, RiRi did not wake up yacking up Easy Mac bits and craving Frapp cake for breakfast. RiRi meant that the media had their cameras up her nostrils and reporters crawled up toilets to get to her. She said, "It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can’t go back home?"

In the rest of the interview with Glamour, RiRi doesn't really go into the details or throw any blame on Chris. Instead, she focuses on how she dealt with suddenly becoming one of the faces of domestic violence. Here's bits and pieces from the interview. Visit Glamour to read the whole thing.

Glamour: "You’re talking about the photo [reportedly of Rihanna’s injured face taken by police after Brown assaulted her] that was allegedly leaked by cops. You handled that so well; you kept silent in the press."

RiRi: "It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it’s my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women."

Glamour: "If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?"

RiRi: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women."

Glamour: "I think that’s a great message. What about your new album? What’s it like?"

NOW THAT is a segue (or a SEGWAY, depending on who you talk to). RiRi is also speaking to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 this Friday, so hopefully there's awkward segues like this one. I'm counting on Diane to take us from domestic abuse to talk about umbrellas in ten seconds flat.

Here's some pictures of RiRi sashaying around NYC last night. This reminds me, V premieres tonight, right?

If all the members of Duran Duran formed a circle jerk around all of Grace Jones' album covers, their cumulative cum shot would look just like this! Here's the cover of Alien Princess RiRi's new album called Rated R.

P.S. - I always knew that RiRi was a member of the Illuminati and now this confirms it.

VIA Popeater

Either a) RiRi no longer has alien nipples, because that barb wire sliced them off. Or b) That's not barb wire, it's black licorice. If that's the case, this cover is delicious. Yes, I'm one of those "black licorice" people. It all makes sense now, right?

So, this is Alien Princess RiRi looking like she escaped Hostel on the cover for her new single "Russian Roulette." Just in time for Slut-o-Ween! For real, do you know how many broke down versions of this costume we're going to see on the night of October 31st? Sluts will find any excuse to wrap junkyard artifacts around their chesticles.

And if you care, here's the audio that goes along with this cover. While listening to it, you might need to cut at your nipples with barb wire to stay awake.

If this shit doesn't work, click here to listen to it.

We've all watched Alien Princess RiRi drag her hair down the road to fuckery, but it's about time that an honest bitch in her life takes her hand and says, "Release that creature on your head back into the wild. Let it run towards its people!!!!" I mean, I thought I knew what was on RiRi's head, but now I have no idea! It's like a rat/cockatoo hybrid (a rat-a-too!) that fell out of Predator's asshole.

Does RiRi really want to look like Larry King after an electrical storm?

Somebody must do something! By somebody, I mean the ASPCA.

Here's RiRi's hair in various states of fugness as she arrives and leaves a photo studio in NYC yesterday.

Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe slicked back her cockatoo hawk (using Chris Brown's crocodile tears) before walking the streets of NYC yesterday. RiRi was probably wondering why bitches were running from her like she was the tax man. It's because people watch too many movies, and they probably thought she was going to hatch an alien baby who would maul their faces off. I doubt Ripley was around, so they had reason to be scared. But you know....

RiRi's hair can also pass for a horn. A ram/unicorn horn to be exact. If you had too many glass of pink champagne, and you were starting to get delirious due to your dress being so damn tight (I'm speaking only to you, Mimi), you'd think RiRi was a unicorn from another planet. RiRi was lucky Mimi didn't spot her from a mile away, and jump on that hair horn. Lucky indeed.

Basically, RiRi's new hairstyle brings all kinds of trouble. It's not worth it!

At yesterday's Chanel show in Paris, Jehovah's sexiest witness, Prince, strolled in wearing your grandma's Sunday church suit and carrying your pimp's weekday cane. BOW DOWN! Shortly after, RiRi strolled in wearing Prince's HAIR. Oh, how I would have loved to be a fly in Karl Lagerfeld's rice noodle ponytail so that I could witness Prince throwing shade at RiRi for taking his look! When doves cry, it's because Prince stared them down.

And where can I get an application to be Prince's hand-holder, because that is the job to have.

Normally, I have to take an Excedrin and down an entire Red Bull to try to understand RiRi's fashion choices, but she is finally speaking my language here. The language of Slutanese. RiRi kept it demure in a peek-a-boo dress while making her way to a fashion show in Paris yesterday.

Women and men should always wear outfits that allow your nippes and/or genitals to make a cameo appearance. Ladies, sometimes your labia lips want to pop out and wave to the public. Give them that option. It's their right! Don't keep your labia down!

Justin Timberlake should stop accepting rides in Chris Brown's Lamborghini, and Alien Princess RiRi should keep Betty Ross at her side at all times, because She-Hulk Biel and Ike Turner II won't be happy when they see Star Magazine's cover.

According to Star, Justin started scooting his ass lips on RiRi's infintiyhead of wonder at an after-party for the VMAs a couple of weeks ago. RiRi must not have minded that Justin sounds like Minnie Mouse screaming when he orgasms, because they have been texting and talking ever since. But before RiRi takes Justin to her home planet, she wants to make sure that his gay relationship with Jessica Biel is over. A source said, “She asked him on the phone, ‘Are you still with Jessica?’ And he hinted that things were cooling off between them.”

The source went on to say that Jessica found out that Justin and RiRi bumped taints and is "a wreck" because of it.

You know, it might be the apple I just ate (healthy food fucks me up) talking, but I actually think RiRi and Justin make a hot couple. They kind of make sense to me.

And Jessica Biel really deserves better. She deserves a man who won't scream like a toddler when she accidentally breaks his boner during a handjob. Or won't cry a million tears when she beats his no-no with her 9-incher. Seriously, Jessica, get yourself a real bitch who can take it! When Khloe Kardashian's fake marriage blows up, Jessica should definitely give her a ring.

RiRi has yet to take a black Sharpie to that peroxide disaster on top of her head. I've already put in a call to poison control to let them know that RiRi's hair might be suffering from a major Clorox overdose. In the meantime, let's talk about that shit shirt......

Unless RiRi is heading to a parking lot party outside of a Nascar race where she plans to down Old Milwaukee from a beer bong while rocking out to Warrant, that shit is not cute. I mean, does she think she's Jessie from Big Brother?! To think, that ensemble would have been extremely classy and elegant if she simply dumped that shirt in the garbage disposal and walked around in her satin bra. Sigh.