Rihanna

The torture of RiRi's scalp continued the other day when she bleached whatever natural hair she has left and glued in pieces she ripped out of Beyonce's old discarded wig until she looked like a cross between Peg from Lady and the Tramp and a trampled over Goldie Hawn. I should love this mess since RiRi looks like a late 1970s hitchhiking hooker who's addicted to angel dust and old men who smell like motor oil, but this just looks like a wilting Tina Turner to me. It's like Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" hair got depressed and needs some Prozac. This is taking that Ike & Tina shit way too far.

Answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that it makes you want to double slap yourself?" is one thing. But answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that you're willing to get triple punched into the E.R.?" is another.

UsWeekly has echoed (see: copy and pasted) CDAN's blind item about how RiRi is eating the cake again, Anna Mae, by hopping on the pool noodle dick attached to the rage-stuffed ass roid who Ike Turnered her in the eye several times.

Some "music industry insider" tells UsWeekly that RiRi's coochie found lust on a hopeless ass again and it's been going on for about a year.

"She comes to see him anytime she's in L.A. They can't get enough of each other. I don't see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that."

Chris Brown's spokeswhore punched the letters L, I and E into this story and claim that he's not stepping out on his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. But the L.A. Times recently put their magnifying glass to a few Tweets from RiRi. RiRi Twatted this mess right after pics of Chris with his piece spending New Year's together came out:

How can you lie to her, while u lay with me???.....If you don't have an answer, you don't have to answer.

That Tweet is a wreck and doesn't have an ounce of sense on it, so it's probably just a lyric to one of RiRi's songs. But if UsWeekly and CDAN are right, then I hope that all those huge ass blunts RiRi is getting baked on in Hawaii will erase the part of her brain that is telling her Chris Brown's dangerous dick is crack and her pussy is Pete Doherty. Weed don't fail us now!

In case you haven't already chewed off a glow stick to this, here's RiRi's video for "We Found Love" which is like Trainspotting wrapped in Requiem for a Dream wrapped in every episode of Skins wrapped in ho shit wrapped in the vomit that comes out of your mouth when you eat nachos while high on Ecstasy. It's an ass-to-ass and dead baby on the ceiling scene away from being a copyright infringement lawsuit!

But seriously, everybody is already putting up their magnifying glasses to this and dissecting all the pieces of it. They say the hot boxer/model dude, Dudley O'Shaughnessy, is a Fist Brown look-alike and so this is obviously like looking into their relationship through a kaleidoscope. You know, it's all about how sometimes the stupid hugs your heart when you're in love and it makes shit out pills, take baths in your damn clothes, dance on top of fast food tables and swallow the smoke load from the one you love.

But the bigger issue here is that RiRi barfs up ribbons. The bitch barfs up ribbons. Do you know how many asshole hos are going to get drunk at parties, shove ribbons in their mouth holes and then barf it up for a picture they plan to post on their Tumblr? We've had planking, owling, coning and now we're going to have ribboning. Thanks, RiRi. I'll curse your name as I pick up saliva ribbons off of my living room floor after a party.

Looking like she just crawled out of a garbage disposal or fucked the Swamp Thing on a compost pile, the Barbadian alien strikes a "scratching at my athlete's foot" pose on November's cover of Esquire. Esquire's offices must be located in a world where the Duchess of Alba and the First Lady of Camerooooon don't exist, because they named RiRi their sexiest woman alive. But I have a feeling RiRi won that title by default, because she's the only one who raised her hand when Esquire asked who wanted to be photographed looking like the Jolly Green Giant farted her out.

In the issue, RiRi says that even though she does dozens of dry Kama Sutra positions on stage every night, she isn't just a horny goat who will crotch hump the air if a body or an inmate object is not available. RiRi claims that she only does first degree ho shit if the song calls for it (examples of her songs that call for it: ALL OF THEM). RiRi then got into some Chris Brown talk and only had nice things to say about his stupid ass:

"It's incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did. Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I really like the music he's putting out. I'm a fan of his stuff. I've always been a fan. Obviously, I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I've put that behind me. It was taking up too much of my time. It was too much anger. I'm really excited to see the breakthrough he's had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him. Never. I never have."

RiRi, you nasty bitch. "....to see how he pulled out of it the way he did"? RiRi knew exactly what kind of images the Etch-A-Sketch in our brains would draw while reading that line. Chris Brown's dick is about as long as RiRi's thirtyhead, so it'll take an hour or fifty for him to pull out of anything. You can have breakfast, lunch, dinner and three sensible snacks on his shaft as he pulls out. You can recreate the glove on the bottle scene from the Laverne & Shirley opening on his shaft as he slowly pulls out of an ass. RiRi just had to do that to me.

I don't agree with RiRi, though. Even if you took away the fact that he beat her down, Chris Brown is still a douche bottle full of dick-shaped shits. Chris is just a gigantic anus with a big dick. Great. Now I have the image of a gigantic anus slowly pulling its dick out of another anus. I hate you, RiRi.

If forensic laptop scientists studied my keyboard, they'd find that it looks a lot like the inside of Brit Brit's chonies. Covered with crumbs of various Frito-Lay products and fluids that either came out of a body or a Nesquik bottle. They'd also find that my c,u,n and t keys are worn as all hell, because I type the word cunt like it's my job (and it is my job!). It's a beautiful word and brings me almost more natural happiness than hearing the line "all your tests came back negative" does. I believe that every time I type the word cunt, Heather Mills pegs a bitch in the foot. Cunt. Erps, crack goes a bitch's toe nail.

But when I'm out in the real world, I only shoot out the cunt word on special occasions like yesterday when a rude ho cut in front of me in the receipt-checking line at Ikea. However, RiRi is not like me. RiRi uses the cunt word as hard as a sound engineer uses a pair of ear plugs when she sings in the studio. RiRi tells British Vogue (via Holy Moly!) that "cunt" is practically her home country's official word:

"Yeah, it’s funny. That word is so offensive to everyone in the world except for Bajans. You know African-Americans use the n-word to their brothers? Well, that’s the way we use the c-word. When I first came here, I was saying it like it was nothing, like, 'Hey, cunt', until my make-up artist finally had to tell me to stop. I just never know."

I was wondering why when I went to Barbados, the custom official said to me, "Welcome to Barbados, cunt." Either RiRi is a box of dumb who tells lies (more than likely) or she has just become my new hero by saying "Hey, cunt!" to Beyonce at their first meeting together.

And the chronic cunt word thrower also tells Vogue that she just does ho shit for show and that white people think she's some kind of role model:

"That’s not me. That’s a part I play. You know, like it’s a piece of art, with all these toys and textures to play with.

See, people – especially white people – they want me to be a role model just because of the life I lead. The things I say in my songs, they expect it of me and [being a role model] became more of my job than I wanted it to be. But no, I just want to make music. That’s it. Look, God doesn’t give any more than you can handle. I had to get through a lot of ups and downs – big downs – and a lot of trial and error to get where I am now."

That's nice and everything, but I wish RiRi would play the part of a trick who doesn't wear a $3 wig from the Marilyn Monroe costume package at Halloweentown.

A farmer from Northern Ireland, who obviously didn't know that the demure Barbadian pearl that is RiRi never leaves her oyster without her chichi cleavage out, jumped out of his tractor and covered the innocent eyes of his wheat stalks with tiny blindfolds after he drove by and noticed that she was shaking her goodies all over the place.

61-year-old Alderman Alan Graham gave RiRi permission to shoot the video for her single "We Found Love" on his grain field in Bangor, but he immediately shut down her ho shit behavior when his pure eyes burned from the smoke of hot sin wafting off of her red hanky breasts. Alderman Alan Graham jumped off his tractor and chased RiRi around the field while trying to cleanse her skanktimonious soul with the bible passages that came out of his mouth. Once Alderman rid his fields of RiRi's dark-sided mammaries, he had this to say to the BBC:

"I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I'm coming from. We shook hands.

I didn't know who was coming. If the name 'Rihanna' had been mentioned, well, no disrespect but it wouldn't have meant anything. From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate.

I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God."

Something tells me this has less to do with the fact that Farmer Alan thinks that RiRi needs to gently lay her tits on the altar and get right with the Lord, and more with the fact that her yodeling voice makes crucifixes turn upside down. How can Farmer Alan expose his grain field to the sounds of the Illuminati goat farm?

RiRi's last album Loud hasn't even celebrated its first birthday, but she's already baaaaaaah-ing into a fan set to low in the first single called "We Found Love" off of her new album which comes out in a couple of months. When does RiRi find the time to get inspired enough to grab a guitar and write the chorus of a song while staring at the stars under a tree in the middle of a field. NO. I know they just throw RiRi in an empty room, hand her a piece of paper with 3 words written on it and tell her to yodel that out while a dude with a MacBook plays my old Sounds of Ibiza CD in the corner.

It really does sound like RiRi is singing this mess in an empty apartment. All echos and shit. One time this broker was showing me place in NYC, and every time we walked into a new apartment, this crazy ho had to sing some song. She'd say, "The acoustics in this place are wonderful. I should know, I'm a singer." No, you're a broker, bitch. Anyway, that's what RiRi sounds like. But I'm sure this song will still blare out of the Armani Exchange on Broadway and club whores will whip their hair into a coma over this.

The only thing I really have to say is that the next time RiRi wants to sing about finding love, she should just cover this masterpiece.

via The Hairpin

We've already had a few eye fulls of RiRi's bare alien balls and she pretty much humps on an invisible peen on stage, but now Hustler is coming around saying that they've got a tape of her yodeling like an auto-tuned goat gargling while getting it on with rapper J-Cole. J-Cole opened for RiRi on her Loud tour and apparently he's opening something else on the tape. Sort of.

Even though one of RiRi's friend is denying that her Bozo the Clown cooch is getting tingled on camera, Hustler swears on their anal beads that they have the "intimate tape" in their lube-smeared hands. They told Radar, "Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet."

Don't know what to do with it? Did Hustler just get off of the bus from Dontknowfuckville, USA and is skipping through the front gates of the internet for the very first time? When life hands you a celebrity fuck tape, you either a) promise to give said celebrity a cut of the profits and let them clutch their rosary when you leak that shit or b) YOU LEAK THAT SHIT. It's not that hard.

But it's probably not worth taking your panties over since Hustler keeps calling it an "intimate tape." To put it bluntly, intimate tape = no peen in chocha = no cum shot = no thank you. I'm not going to go back to the days where I stole my mom's credit card number to buy some crap movie on the Spice Channel that didn't have a cum shot in it. I'm too grown for no cum shot porns, thankyouverymuch.

Here's RiRi in Portofino, Italy today. I'm sure the shit she's doing to that ice cream with her mouth is more hardcore than this shit she does on this "intimate tape."

You know you're doing something right when your big butch lady friend stops everything she's doing to witness your camel toe hovering in the air like it's about to kick somebody.

RiRi slapped her vacation weave (aka her El Pibe weave) on top of her head and spent the day on the beach in Barbados with her ass out, legs up and mouth open. (Again, RiRi really has an uncanny ability for re-enacting every moment of YOU at the Gay Pride Parade.)

You know I'm a traditionalist with a taste for elegance, so I prefer when bikinis look more like (NSFW) this. But RiRi's two piece is working for me. When you're sitting on the beach eating beef jerky chips and some shit gets stuck in between your teefs, you don't need to ruin your magazine by using its pages to floss the bits out. You just have to call RiRi over, tell her to turn to the side and use her Glide bikini to floss your teeth to relief.

Here's the artist formerly known as Rihanna McDonald wearing a carnival costume at Barbados' Kadooment Day Parade today where she had her ass out, crotch spread and titties flapping. Does that description seem familiar to you? It should. That's pretty much the exact caption under every picture of YOU on your friend's Gay Pride Parade album on Flickr.