Rihanna

If your dick doesn't make a vagina call 911 upon first sight, then RiRi isn't even trying to fuck with you. In a new interview with German magazine Bravo (via Post Chronicle), RiRi said that your peen must be a certain height in order to ride her ride.

RiRi explained, "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean? The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don´t give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."

RiRi's last boyfriend turned out to be a fat pussy, so it makes sense that she's on the prowl for a wang in size: TOMMY LEE.

In a perfect world, we'd all love a cock that can split a Magnum condom in two, but big whores can't be choosers. I try to pretend like I have standards (HA!), but throw a micro mini peen in front of me and I'll probably shrug while saying, "Sure, why not?"

Celine Dion once said this about shoes: "When a salesperson askes me what size I need, I answer 'No, what size do you have?'" The same goes for peen. Where there's a dick, there's a way.

RiRi has found a new piece that will kiss every inch of her infinityhead (which Scientists have proven takes around 8.3 hours total) while cuddling on a cold winter's night. According to Gatecrasher, that piece is actor Tristan Wilds. Tristan Wilds does sound like the name of an Eastern European power bottom porn star, but he's actually a cast member on the new 90210.

The two, who have been secretly dating for a quick minute, acted all couple-like at a party she threw last weekend. A source said, "She likes him a lot, and it shows. From the moment he walked into her party, Rihanna lit up. They'll keep in touch while she's away."

While I understand that RiRi needs a bitch to fiddle with her alien labia now and again, she really needs to stay away from all BOW TIES. If a man is wearing a bow tie without a tuxedo, he's either a dick taster, an old timey piano player/child toucher or a lady beater.

Besides, it's hard to take a dude seriously when he keeps the "Prada" sticker on his eyeglasses.

Since Alien Princess RiRi is obviously a member of the Illuminati, keep a glass of holy water close by while watching this. If you don't have holy water, any brand of vodka will do.

I'm sure that RiRi's video for "Russian Roulette" is full of Chris Brown metaphors, but it's Fuck All Friday, so we'll let Detective La Toya Jackson figure it out. We'll also let her figure out what the hell is going on this video. Okay, I'll try....

Let's see, RiRi plays Russian Roulette with some hot piece, he goes down, she arrested, she brings the emotion to some guard who could give a dick, she makes herself bleed by touching herself (ILLUMINATI!) and then she gets gassed by a gay club smoke machine? OH.KAY.

And don't even ask me about the scene where she's performing in Cirque De Soleil's "O." When the hell did she find the time to do that?

VIA ONTD

Alien Princess RiRi must have been visiting with Siegfried & Roy at their home when she suddenly got the uncontrollable urge to hump on their fancy shiny window blinds in their office. RiRi got a little carried away. That's the only way I can explain the dress she wore to Glamour's Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night. Think of all the papers cuts that mound of fugness is responsible for.

RiRi should have kept disaster in the "paper only" recycle bin and stuck with the dress she had on earlier in the night. Now that is a dress I can flick my nipples to. You can't go wrong when wearing a dress that is slit all the way up to your slit.

The first part of RiRi's interview with the always constipated-faced Diane Sawyer aired on Good Morning America today, and she had a very important message to everyone: "EFF LOVE!"

When speaking about why she went back to Chris Brown after he repeatedly beat her, she said that she was in love. Even when the entire world found out they were the second coming of Ike & Tina, she still went back to him. But RiRi said that she quit him for good when she realized that some girls could get killed for following her example, "Even if Chris never hit me again, who is to say that their boyfriend won't? Who's to say that they won't kill these girls? These are young girls and I just didn't realize how much of an impact I had on these girls' lives until that happened." RiRi's advice to these girls out there is to not go back because of love. In fact, she said, "Eff love." EXACTLY. If love had a dick I would eff with it. But it doesn't (it has a no crotch like Barbie).

You know, after listening to RiRi speak I realized that she sounds EXACTLY like one of my chola cousins named Cindy (hey girl). It's uncanny. Who knew that the Bajan accent is the long-lost twin of the Southern California chola accent? Seriously, I was waiting for RiRi to turn to the camera, pop her Bubble Yum gum, and say, "Ay Michael! You pinche babosa!"

Alien Princess RiRi is publicly speaking out for the first time about "the incident." Hey, an album ain't gonna sell itself!

RiRi told Glamour Magazine that the night after Chris Brown Ike Turnered her, she woke up as Our Lady of Cheetos. No, RiRi did not wake up yacking up Easy Mac bits and craving Frapp cake for breakfast. RiRi meant that the media had their cameras up her nostrils and reporters crawled up toilets to get to her. She said, "It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can’t go back home?"

In the rest of the interview with Glamour, RiRi doesn't really go into the details or throw any blame on Chris. Instead, she focuses on how she dealt with suddenly becoming one of the faces of domestic violence. Here's bits and pieces from the interview. Visit Glamour to read the whole thing.

Glamour: "You’re talking about the photo [reportedly of Rihanna’s injured face taken by police after Brown assaulted her] that was allegedly leaked by cops. You handled that so well; you kept silent in the press."

RiRi: "It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it’s my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women."

Glamour: "If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?"

RiRi: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women."

Glamour: "I think that’s a great message. What about your new album? What’s it like?"

NOW THAT is a segue (or a SEGWAY, depending on who you talk to). RiRi is also speaking to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 this Friday, so hopefully there's awkward segues like this one. I'm counting on Diane to take us from domestic abuse to talk about umbrellas in ten seconds flat.

Here's some pictures of RiRi sashaying around NYC last night. This reminds me, V premieres tonight, right?

If all the members of Duran Duran formed a circle jerk around all of Grace Jones' album covers, their cumulative cum shot would look just like this! Here's the cover of Alien Princess RiRi's new album called Rated R.

P.S. - I always knew that RiRi was a member of the Illuminati and now this confirms it.

VIA Popeater

Either a) RiRi no longer has alien nipples, because that barb wire sliced them off. Or b) That's not barb wire, it's black licorice. If that's the case, this cover is delicious. Yes, I'm one of those "black licorice" people. It all makes sense now, right?

So, this is Alien Princess RiRi looking like she escaped Hostel on the cover for her new single "Russian Roulette." Just in time for Slut-o-Ween! For real, do you know how many broke down versions of this costume we're going to see on the night of October 31st? Sluts will find any excuse to wrap junkyard artifacts around their chesticles.

And if you care, here's the audio that goes along with this cover. While listening to it, you might need to cut at your nipples with barb wire to stay awake.

If this shit doesn't work, click here to listen to it.

We've all watched Alien Princess RiRi drag her hair down the road to fuckery, but it's about time that an honest bitch in her life takes her hand and says, "Release that creature on your head back into the wild. Let it run towards its people!!!!" I mean, I thought I knew what was on RiRi's head, but now I have no idea! It's like a rat/cockatoo hybrid (a rat-a-too!) that fell out of Predator's asshole.

Does RiRi really want to look like Larry King after an electrical storm?

Somebody must do something! By somebody, I mean the ASPCA.

Here's RiRi's hair in various states of fugness as she arrives and leaves a photo studio in NYC yesterday.

Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe slicked back her cockatoo hawk (using Chris Brown's crocodile tears) before walking the streets of NYC yesterday. RiRi was probably wondering why bitches were running from her like she was the tax man. It's because people watch too many movies, and they probably thought she was going to hatch an alien baby who would maul their faces off. I doubt Ripley was around, so they had reason to be scared. But you know....

RiRi's hair can also pass for a horn. A ram/unicorn horn to be exact. If you had too many glass of pink champagne, and you were starting to get delirious due to your dress being so damn tight (I'm speaking only to you, Mimi), you'd think RiRi was a unicorn from another planet. RiRi was lucky Mimi didn't spot her from a mile away, and jump on that hair horn. Lucky indeed.

Basically, RiRi's new hairstyle brings all kinds of trouble. It's not worth it!