Rihanna

Christopher Maurice Brown has finally released some sort of statement of words a week after he allegedly delivered an epic beat down on Robyn Rihanna Fenty aka Princess RiRi of the Universe.

Okay, Chris Brown didn't really put this shit together, his crisis team did. They probably brought out the book on bullshit PR statements, went to the chapter titled "When you beat a bitch down," and chose the first statement that mentions Jesus. Because if you throw in Jesus' name, then that must mean you're really fucking sorry. Here's Chris' sowwy:

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person.

Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else.

Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."

Jesus and God really need to file a joint lawsuit against bitches for dragging their good names into unadulterated fuckery! They are both crossing their arms and giving the side-eye to Chris.

This statement doesn't really say shit. This looks exactly like the e-mail some trick sent me when he gave me crabs. Just switch out "blogs and media" with "bathroom walls and message boards" and it's the same fucking statement

Chris dalso oesn't give RiRi's name and uses a word like "transpired" instead of "beating the caca out of a chick." Apologizing: Chris Brown is doing it wrong.

Even the puppy in that picture is not amuse. Puppy is thinking, "Motherfucker, please."

VIA People

It's been basically a week since the RiRi/Brown beat down of 2009 and neither of them have said anything publicly. It was reported that Chris said some shit on his Facebook, but then that was shot down as a fake. Even though RiRi and Chris Brown aren't talking, their daddies are.

First up is RiRi's daddy, Ronald Fenty, who saw his daughter in Barbados on Thursday. Ronald told People: "There is some bruising. She will be alright. I think so. At some point, she will speak out. I hope she will stand up for women all over the world."

Oh, shit! NeNe from The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta better pick up the phone and get RiRi on the line. This is the break her Twisted Hearts Foundation needs! Together RiRi and NeNe (that has a tangy ring to it) will take down girl beaters everywhere. They can even change the lyrics to RiRi's "Don't Stop the Music" and call it "Please Stop The Bruises." NeNe can sing back-up. Kim Zolciak's road kill wig would melt out of sheer jealousy.

But seriously, Ronald went on to say that he hopes his daughter moves on from Chris. Ronald saw them together in July, but said, "You think you know somebody, but you really don't."

As for Chris, his daddy, Clinton Brown, told People that his son is in Virginia and is oh-so-sowwy. The 44-year-old corrections officer went on to say, "He's reflecting on this situation. "He's very remorseful. He's very concerned about the situation and he wants to make sure that Rihanna's okay. This is unfortunate, this stumble, this situation. Hopefully, he will get past it. We all have our shortcomings. We all trip. If you are on his side, you are on his side. Just because someone trips, if you are truly a fan, you are not going to demonize him instantaneously. He will continue to be a good person. He loves people. And like most of us, most humans, things will occur. And hopefully a person won't be judged simply on that alone."

Yeah, he tripped alright. Bitch tripped right on RiRi, fists first. And basically, Clinton is saying to keep buying Chris' albums and shit, because daddy's Florida timeshare isn't going to pay for itself. Real talk.

(Thanks Sam)

Somebody is defending Chris Brown and that someone is Terrence Howard. Bitch must have been channeling his character from Hustle & Flow when Hollywood.tv asked him about the RiRi/Brown beat down.

While heading into Mr. Chow, Terry said, "It's just life man. Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. Rihanna knows he loves her. They'll be alright. Everyone has just got to get out of their way."

Oh, Terrence. Come over here, let me wipe away the shit nuggets that come pouring out of your mouth. Don't worry, I'll use fresh baby wipes. And then I'll shove all those baby wipes down your throat. Seriously, does RiRi not use baby wipes or something?

And yeah, RiRi knows Chris loves her. She's got the police report, busted eye and fucked up tenhead to prove it. Real fucking love.

UPDATE: Terry is taking this shit back and wants to wipe it clean. With a baby wipe, of course. He told E! that he had no idea what the fuck Chris allegedly did to RiRi. Basically, Terry says he was speaking out of his baby powder-scented ass without knowing what he was commenting on. Terry said, "When they asked me about Chris Brown the other day, I was in no way aware of what he had been accused of. Had I known, I would have never had said something so insensitive." Uh huh.

The latest chapter in the Brown/Riri beat down saga of 2009 claims that the fight between the two was over a text message he got from some ho while he was driving. A police source tells TMZ that RiRi read a text from some trick Chris was planning on doing sexy times with later. They also fought about an unnamed rapper, but that's not how the fight started. And Chris' pussy call is not the rapper. I've also read on several sites that they were fighting about RiRi giving Chris the herp which she got from a rapper.

As for the identity of Chris' whore, OK! says that a few days before he basically punched his career goodbye, he was seen getting flirty with the STD motel known as Wonky McValtrex. If Chris beat RiRi over a text he got from Wonky, that bitch deserves eleventy life sentences and a ten-hour dick slapping from Tommy Lee. Chris is the one who deserved a beat down for flirting with that skeezer.

Annnnnnnnnd there's more. E! (everyone's getting in on the fun) says a source told them that Chris theatened to kill RiRi after she threw the car keys out of the window during the beat down. This put the rage of James Brown into Chris' body and he allegedly choked her until she passed the fuck out. That's when he quit that bitch and took off running.

There's more details on her injuries. RiRi's right eye was swollen up like one of Wonky's pussy lips, so she couldn't open it.

Okay, who else needs to dance with a crack pipe after reading that shit? I felt like Chris just broke dishes over my head. Every time I click on other websites, there's ten more damn rumors. I feel like we need pie charts, graphs, etc.... When I read one story, it debunks the other. I don't like doing math! Let's share a bottle of something that kills brain cells in order to deal with the madness.

Speaking of bus rides to oblivion (see HAGel below), Chris Brown's own ride to irrelevancy is moving along at warp speed. His milk moustache is no longer needed. The bitches at "Got Milk" will not renew his campaign when it ends this week. They followed Doublemint in staying the fuck away from Chris. They issued this statement:

"The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously. We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens. Mr. Brown's ad was launched last fall and is scheduled to end this week."

Chris shouldn't worry. I'm sure he'll get a jizz moustache or twenty in the big house. And I'm sure some of those dudes lay it down extra chunky, so Chris better work on his gag reflex.

And since we're already on the subject, let's just go over all the stories coming out about this fucked up mess. Seriously, my inbox is getting popped left and right like it's in a fight with Chris Brown.

Story #1 - Kanye West speaks! Unfortunately, he just called into Ryan Gaycrest's show on KIIS-FM, so there were no CAPS, exclamation points or BENJAMIN BUTTON'S involved! It doesn't feel the same, but here's some of what he said: "I don't want to speak too much on it, but I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard. Rihanna has the potential to be, you know, the greatest artist of all time and, in that sense, I feel like she is my baby sis. I would do any and everything to help her in any situation." (People)

Story #2 - RiRi's abuelita told the Nation News in Barbados that her granddaughter's nose is not broken and that she's "doing okay." She went on to say, "I don't want people to worry. Rihanna is fine and she is doing well." Do you ever wonder if your family members were being bothered by the press, what they would say? My abuelita probably would have told them to fuck off and then chased them out of the yard with a branch she just ripped off of a tree. Or she'd turn the hose on them.

Image VIA Flickr

I might have to go watch the trampoline foxes a million more times after hitting "publish" on this post, because this shit is making my forehead weep. A source who saw the photos of Alien Princess RiRi after she got a midnight beatdown from Chris Brown (allegedly) says her injuries are "horrific." The source told TMZ that she has two huge and swelled up "contusions" on both sides of her forehead. RiRi's lip is split, her nose is all sorts of bloody and she has bites marks on her fingers and on one arm. And Chris has got some fucking teefs on him! The dumb cunt could bite through a lead pipe covered in Kryptonite.

This is far from a "smack bitch once to shut them up" incident. This sounds like Chris got the evil spirit of Ike Turner in him and went to beat down town.

RiRi wasn't the one who called the police. A person who heard her screaming is the one who dialed 911. When the police arrived, Chris had already abandoned RiRi and the car by running off, but he took the keys with him. RiRi told the police Chris used his fists and there was no other kind of weapon involved. She refused treatment at the scene.

E! reports that RiRi is working with the fuzz, but isn't really telling them what caused Chris to get all Mike Tyson on her.

RiRi was supposed to perform in Malaysia this weekend, but of course, she has put that shit on hold and will reschedule at a later date. Chris Brown also canceled some shit he was supposed to do this weekend. Instead, he will spend his days enjoying his ride on the "You Fucked Yourself" express. Go on and take a bow, Chris. It's over now.

And seriously, out of all the things he beat down on, he had to go for her glorious tenhead! That's the portal to her home planet! SOS! That has to add another few decades to his sentence if found guilty. That is beyond illegal.

Chris Brown allegedly hit RiRi with some kind of "deadly weapon" so says TMZ. The crime report names Princess RiRi of the Universe as the victim and also states that the incident was "assault with a deadly weapon." Chris' weapon of choice is not known yet.

Every bitch that sent this story to me said the exact same fucking thing in their e-mail: "Chris hit Rihanna with an umbrella-ella-ella." You smart-ass bitches! An injured Princess RiRi is no laughing matter. Although, it was raining in L.A..... Naw. It was probably a dick slapping gone wrong. Okay, we need to stop!

But seriously, it wasn't not funny. RadarOnline says RiRi was even crying in the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai. A nosy witness said, "Rihanna was clearly very upset by what had happened and I could hear her screaming. Rihanna was trying to get her point across about something, she sounded like she was crying as she tried to get to put her point across."

Jay-Z and RiRi's alien subjects need to take care of this shit! But something tells me they really shouldn't bother since Chris is pretty much fucked already.

UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that Chris didn't use any kind of weapon. There was an umbrella in the car but it had nothing to do with this shit. It's innocent. Sometimes a bitch's fist or foot can count as a deadly weapon. A source also said that RiRi had bite marks and bruises on her body.

The new Bobby Brown, Chris Brown (wait, are they related), turned himself into the police last night for allegedly smacking down an "unidentified chick." I've got a little of the Sylvia Browne power in me, so I'm going to predict that the victim's name begins with an R and ends with an ihanna. I know, my SLYCIC powers are astounding. So, Chris was booked and released on $50,000 bail shortly after turning himself in.

Even though RiRi hasn't been confirmed as the victim, the security guard at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles told the NYDN that he saw the alien princess entering the joint for treatment. She left a little while later.

A source said that Ike and Tina '09 were fighting inside the car and RiRi got out to walk the fuck home. She probably said "shut up and drive" and he wouldn't (sorry). The source went on to say, "Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises." RiRi's glorious tenhead better be pristine or I will never stick a piece of Doublemint gum in my mouth again.

There's a few rumors as to why Chris busted a fist on her royal alienness. One source claims RiRi accused him of checking out whores at a party. Another source claims RiRi gave Chris the Wonky McValtrex Virus (aka herpes). I'm not sure about the herpes defense. If everyone in Hollywood slapped a ho for giving them the herp, that town would be filled with busted up, beat down skanks. Oh, wait.... It kind of is.....

I'm sure today will bring many answered questions. Chris is already practicing how to cry on cue during his apology interview to Ty Ty Banks (I pray Ty Ty gets the interview). And RiRi is already shooting a PSA for battered alien princesses.

And I am the only one who thought it was ironic that RiRi's Grammy performance was replaced by Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together"?

Chris Brown allegedly beat a bitch in a car at around 12:30 this morning and the cops are currently investigating it. The shit went down after Chris and the chick (most likely RiRi) started arguing inside the car. They both got out of the car and that's when shit got violent. Chris allegedly delivered a beat down on the woman and then left the scene when the she called the police. When they arrived, the victim was visibly busted up and said Chris was the one who laid it down on her. The cops refuse to give the chick's name. They are now looking to speak to Chris and may arrest his ass.

Chris and RiRi were supposed to appear and perform at the Grammys tonight, but it was announced that both of them canceled. They won't be performing or walking the carpet. A source told The Insider that RiRi's face is "slightly bruised."

It wasn't not funny! Why didn't RiRi retaliate by knocking that stupid cunt with her alien tenhead of wonder?!

You don't hit the Alien Princess! I hope her alien subjects from her home planet beam down on to Earth and handle this shit.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that the new Ike Turner is no longer on the run. Chris turned himself into the police tonight. There apparently was a warrant out for his arrest. Oh shit! And I just saw his Doublemint commercial during the Grammys. Pulling an Ike Turner on RiRi is not minty fresh.

Alien Princess RiRi had to find a way to top Sasha Fierce in the "I'm so avante-garde" department and wearing an eye patch was the answer. Shiver me timbers! The eye patch made sense since it looks like she has an annoying bird on her head and she moves like she has a peg leg. She fucking looked like Prince from the 80s dressed as a pirate to a Waterworld-themed S&M party.

Together, Alien Princess RiRi and Sasha Fierce are making thousands of Sci-Fi nerd peens go raw. They are like a Sci-Fi nerd's wet dream come true.

Click here to see Space Pirate RiRi's performance, but the pictures really say it all.

Also, here's a few pics of RiRi walking the red carpet while wearing Holly Hobbie's bedskirt after it was left in the dryer too long.