Rihanna

I hate seeing Tess McGill like this. I know Melanie Griffith has had busted microwave face for a while, but the bitch needs to stop whatever she's doing and let her mug breathe. She looks like she can only eat soft food. It's not right. I just want to throw a bow tie on her, stick my hand up her ass and then take our vaudeville act on the road.

Here's Melanie at Cafe Med yesterday. Alien Princess RiRi was also there looking like the test tube baby of Mr. T and Woody Woodpecker.

The Road Runner is still bad, because Alien Princess RiRi refuses to give him his 'do back. Winter is coming and he's going to have a cold head. That's sad and hurtful. In addition to still wearing the Road Runner's stolen hair on her head, she also got a new tattoo.......

At last night's UNICEF Snowflake Lighting Ceremony in NYC, RiRi explained to People about the meaning of the new tattoo on her claw, "It's tribal. It represents strength and love. It hurt like hell!"

Um. Alien Princesses do not feel pain. That tattoo also doesn't represent strength and love. It's some kind of message to her home planet or some shit. She's already got the map to her planet on her back. I'm convinced that all her 10,000 tattoos are like pieces to a puzzle and when they are all complete, her alien subjects will come to earth and finally make us all her slaves. Yes, I watched "Stargate" recently.

Below is RiRi at that Gucci party last night and then at the Snowflake Lighting Ceremony earlier in the evening.

Princess RiRi was doing her alien act on stage in Australia with Chris Brown when she started to feel gross. RiRi tried to keep that shit together but ended up stumbling off stage where she apparently passed out! I hope they put a mattress down so she didn't ruin her glorious tenhead. The paramedics were called to work on RiRi and it's not known what caused her to feel all fainty. It was probably her body telling her that its sick of hearing that damn "Umbrella" song!

Everyone rub your foreheads and chant for Alien Princess RiRi's speedy recovery!

VIA Just Jared

Alien Princess RiRi looked like a lazy ass Road Runner while riding on a Segway through the fucking mall at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas yesterday. That lazy ass penis head. She's even making that bear dude pull her! And that Segway is fugly as shit. What is the damn point? If any celebwhore needs to ride on a Segway, it's Posh, because that ho wears shoes that will be the death of her. Seriously.

And I wasn't joking when I said RiRi looks like Road Runner. She needs to give him his hair back. She better be careful, because Wile E. Coyote is going to drop a boulder on her tenhead.

Alien Princess RiRi and Chris Brown have been "going around" for a while now, but they've never admitted it. So who knows if he'll be pissed off to learn that she's been "canoodling" with Kanye West. Wait, I don't think Kanye "canoodles." He CANOODLES. Sorry.

Some nosy bitch tells Star Magazine that the two were getting all into it backstage at T.I.'s concert on October 3rd in Los Angeles. They said, "Rihanna was sitting on Kanye's lap, singing along to the music. Before long, the two were full-on kissing each other. People were shocked. After a while, Rihanna must have realized people were watching, because she had her security escort her back to the dressing room."

You know, I'm okay with this. I think I actually like these two together. RiRi and Kanye are a perfect match. I bet you Kanye screams all day and all night. That's probably his normal voice and he really has to work to not shout all the time. That's a lot for a regular girl to take. Thankfully, RiRi's gigantic tenhead will block Kanye's sound waves from ever reaching her precious ears. With his massive ego and her enormous plasma head, they will definitely go far as a couple.

Here's Alien Princess RiRi at the Spirit of Life Awards in L.A. last night. Somewhere sitting in a cage is a cockatoo with a naked head. RiRi scalped that bitch.

Alien Princess RiRi and her man, Chris Brown, want to be together all day and all night, so they have decided to get a place. Some nosy bitch told Star Magazine that RiRi and Chris have been looking for a condo in Los Angeles since July. They recently checked out a joint at Sierra Towers. I only know about Sierra Towers because I watch that mess reality show "Million Dollar Listing."

RiRi really wants to find them a home so she gets new listings e-mailed to her when she's not in town. However, RiRi, 20, and Chris, 19, have special needs. The source said, "They play their music loud though, so they want a condo that's soundproof."

Loud music? Extraterrestrial, please! She just doesn't want the neighbors to hear her loud alien chanting. It's how she speaks to her subjects on her home planet. When RiRi chants, it's extra loud, because every little sound bounces off her twentyhead.

.....the nearest fucking dumpster! I'm sure Princess RiRi's Balenciaga leg covers cost more than my prized She-Ra action figure collection, but they are still made of 100% fug! It looks like she ripped them off of one of her alien warriors. And they can't be comfortable. By the end of the afternoon, I'm sure her calves were ready to commit suicide.

RiRi also needs to show off her best feature: her runway forehead! Wipe that gay twink mop off away and let your thirtyhead breathe, RiRi! Your shining forehead is my beacon of hope!

Here's RiRi looking like one of the Trollsens on a bad day while shopping on Melrose in Los Angeles.

E.T. needs to help a fellow alien out if this story is true! According to RiRi's ex-business manager, the Alien Princess only has $20,000 to her name! Damn. Looks like she's going to have to trade in her fancy ass beach vacations for a day trip to Raging Waters.

Patricia Williams, RiRi's supposed ex-business manager, was let go recently when RiRi and her management found out she was going broke. RiRi immediately accused Patricia of stealing from her. Patricia said, "It’s not my fault that she only has $20,000 to her name. I showed her all the paperwork and tried to explain to her the circumstances but she wouldn’t listen. She called me all sorts of horrible names and stormed off. I now feel compelled to share with the world the background story as I will not allow my name to be slandered."

Patricia went on to explain that Def Jam doesn't "fund Rihanna properly," so all the money she makes from endorsements and tours is used to pay for her albums and music videos. Patricia claims RiRi made around $1 million last year and all of it was spent making her music videos.

Visit Blackarazzi to read everything Patricia supposedly said. It's fucking long.

Something in the milk ain't clean about this shit! How is that Alien Princess RiRi is going broke?! And how is it that she only made $1 million last year? Everywhere I turn, there's RiRi selling hawking everything from drugstore make-up to lady shavers.

Maybe she's sending all her money to her home planet or storing it all in her forehead? Speaking of her tenhead, if she is going broke, she should sell billboard space on that shit. She could make a bundle!

I'm going to assume that Princess RiRi was in a bikini pinch, so she quickly searched through the discount bin of a low-rent lingerie store and picked out the first two things she could fit into. For a second there I thought she was wearing smiley face bikini briefs. I mean, those things are "period panties." They aren't meant to be worn at the beach.

Here's Princess RiRi sunning her tenhead in Barbados with her man Chris Brown. I'm surprised her royal forehead got on a banana boat. I love those things. The last time I was at the beach and wanted to get on one, my cunty ass friend said, "Don't let Michael get on it! His ass will suck it up." Rude. True, but rude.

That was a stupid question. We know who did it! B-E-Y-O-N-C-E!!! She totally told Solange that everyone is wearing their wigs backwards. Everyone. I mean, I think the tag is sticking out in the front. And the dress and bag were definitely DIY projects using items from the local Salvation Army. Bitch is a walking Project Runway challenge. Damn, Beyonce! She got Solange again!

Solange wore this sad, sad ensemble to the BET Awards last night. Speaking of wigs that should've been left at home, that thing sitting on Lil Kim's head is illegal.

Here's more sexy messes from last night including Terry Howard who looked baby wipe fresh and Ashanti with a Cinnabon sitting in her hair.