Jennifer Aniston

Make sure to avert your eyes when you get to the checkout counter at the grocery store this week unless you're okay with being violated by a St. Angie ORGY! It must be "Shit On St. Angie Week," because she is on the cover of almost all the tabloids this week. Was Balloon Boy or the Gosselins' gardener not available for interviews? DAMN. To quote the wisest woman on reality TV, Zoila from Flipping Out: "YOU CRAZY JEFF!"

Anytheywillallgotohellforthis, let's see what the tabloids have to say:

UsWeekly says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): If you replaced Angie with Alexis Carrington and Aniston with Krystle Carrington, I would've bought hundreds of copies of this shit. Seriously, Aniston & Angie will never be the Alexis & Krystle of this generation! I don't see them fighting in fountains and slapping each other with their Nolan Miller clutch bags.

OK! says that Angie is adopting a baby without Brad: St. Angie has already picked out a baby friend from Syria, but Brad does not want a different flavor of baby barf landing on his beard. Brad is telling friends that he's not ready for child #2,345,745. Brad can't St. Angie from putting together the most powerful child army on the planet, because she's going to GIT THAT BABEH without him.

The National Enquirer says that Angie fell down because she weighs less than a fetus: Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we found the new spokesperson for Life Alert! According to the Enquirer, St. Angie is 5'7" and weighs in at 104lbs. After St. Angie collapsed, Brad is worried and wants her to get some help to deal with her "emotional demons." And I think Brad needs to get help for using the phrase "emotional demons." Let's not make that the new over the moon. NO.

Life & Style says that Angie is faker than a porn star's orgasm: Let me quote Jennifer Aniston's thoughts on this one: DUH.

Star Magazine says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): See UsWeekly.

Both People and UsWeekly are saying that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reunited (and it feels so MEH). The two first started rubbing nipples in April of 2008. They broke up a couple of times, the most recent being in January of this year. Now it seems that John is back to nuzzling on Jen's chin.

According to some sources, the two were spotted getting "cozy" at the Bower Hotel in NYC last month. One source said, "Jen was there on the arm of John and they were all very lovey. She was in casual clothing as was he, and she seemed very comfortable around his crowd of friends." Some source close to John seems to think they are just taking it slow, "They are very close. They remain great friends. He thinks she's amazing, nice and smart, and he has nothing but respect for her."

Methinks this is just a case of not being able to quick the dick. Been there, done that, have the sores to prove it. I mean, sometimes your brain says "DUMP THE BITCH," while your fuck part says, "DON'T LET GO." So I'm guessing Jen just loves the way Mayer's douche-rod makes her ladybox tingle (don't try to imagine that or you may black out). And John loves how dating Jen makes his Google ranking go up.

If you opened up a "Secret Meeting Motel," you would make serious coin just from Brad Pitt alone! Dude is always off having these secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston. We've all got news for you, Brad! Your secret meetings ain't so fucking secret, because we're all reading about them. Anyways...

Grazia Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Billy Goat Brad and his ex-wife had another "SECRET MEETING (DUN DUN DUN)" in NYC recently. Apparently, Brad asked Jen to come to his suite at the Essex Hotel, because he wanted to talk her about his relationship with St. Angie. Jen agreed to come, because Brad promised that he'd wear a tuxedo and they would reenact their wedding. Brad even threw in a wedding cake and said Maddox would act as her fake maid of honor. Jen couldn't turn it down.

The source said, "She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history. She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina."

Brad told Jen that he was planning to leave the saint of all saints and move to Berlin, because he loves the city's architecture so much. Strangely enough, a lightning bolt didn't strike him down. Instead, Jen told Brad that he had to figure that shit out on his own. Then she brought out her Reborn Baby Doll and made Brad rock it to sleep.

Back to the whole "secret meeting" thing. Does Jen get to wear a trench coat and hide behind potted plants in the hotel lobby? Because that sounds kind of hot. Maybe we should all have "secret meetings." Cut to Det. La Toya rolling her eyes while saying, "WELCOME TO MY LIFE!"

And here we go again. The Brangaloonies and the Anistonholics (yes, they exist) should take their corners.

Page Six is saying that before shooting a scene for The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston had to call for a time-out (aka an Entenmann's break) because her heart was breaking inside. According to a source, Jenny busted into a flood of tears and said the scene she was about to shoot reminded her too much of her ex-husband Brad Pitt. The source went on to yap, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Maybe this source got it twisted and she wasn't crying because the scene reminded her of Brad Pitt. Maybe her eyes were sweating, because she just saw the recent pictures of Brad looking like an elderly billy goat. Because those pictures made all of us cry. Kleenex stock went through the damn roof that day.

But if that's not the case, then Jen needs more dick in her life and holes. The truth. Seriously, why cry over spoiled dick?! That shit was a million and a half years ago. Fill that pain with a peen.....and vodka. Suck a dick to get over a dick!

Last night in Los Angeles, Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart did the walk of shame at the premiere of that piece of shit movie Love Happens. Or as my mom accidentally calls it, Love Herpes. Or as the rest of us purposely call it, Love Happens....To Everyone But Jennifer Aniston.

Save yourself the $12 and just watch a mash-up of a Tasters Choice commercial and Celine Dion's "When I Fall In Love" video on a loop. You will crawl away with the same dead sensation in your crotch.

I know that IN THIS ECONOMY, a check is a check, but when is Jennifer Aniston going to quit doing shit like this and finally do a sequel to the masterpiece that is Picture Perfect. Yes, I have to watch the entire thing whenever it comes on TBS. And I always hate myself for it.

The neverending shoot for The Bounty is finally FINALLY finally over and this has Jennifer Aniston WORRIED! Page Six says that even though both Jenny and Gerard Butler denied sexy business was going on between them, there was definitely something there. But now that Gerard Butler has left NYC with his pug Lolita, the always "lonely and miserable" Jenny is afraid the love will die. Uh oh, if Jenny has the sads, this means every Entenmann's cake in the Tri-State area will soon be gone. My ass better stock up today.

And I knew that Lolita was trouble! That homewrecking little slut bitch! I mean, her name is LOLITA. Lolita is the new St. Angie.

But seriously, Jenny should know that it's not her, it's Gerard Butler's peen. His heart may say "stay," but his dick will always say "mo' mo' vagina." It's the way of the manslut.

Yes, that picture looks like Gerard Butler is sticking the tip in from the back. It has just become Jennifer Aniston's life screensaver. Moving on....

Is Maddox guest editing UsWeekly again, because they wrote up a post about how the loneliest living thing in the world will only date dudes with high Google rankings. If you haven't been on the cover of a tabloid in the past couple of weeks, Jenny isn't fucking with you and you'll never ever see her collection of Real Baby Dolls.

Some source close to Jenny said, "Jennifer won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment, what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight."

Let's test this little accusation, shall we? In the past few years, Jenny has been linked to Gerry Butler, Bradley Cooper, John Mayer, Paul Sculfor and Vince Vaughn. Besides Paul, all of them are sort-of famous. But none of those dudes are really going to take Jennifer Aniston's fame to the next level. She has to date someone whose star shines brighter than hers.

That means she can only share candlelit dinners (at a popular restaurant so everyone can see) with the likes of: Spaghetti Cat or Keyboard Cat. Actually, I'm pretty sure Keyboard Cat doesn't date down, so Spaghetti Cat it is! Fuck Brangie! Hollywood's premiere IT couple is now SPAGANISTON!

And here's some pictures of one half of Spaganiston shooting with Gerry Butler in Queens, NY yesterday.

The rumors about Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston doing lovey dovey stuff together off-camera just won't die! Last month, Gerry shot down the whispers by saying he wasn't a chinny chaser. Or something. Well, now People is saying that Gerry and Jenny got all touchy with each other in NYC on Saturday night.

One source said that the big dudeslut and the eternal cat lady started out their night by having dinner at Freeman's on the Lower East Side. After they finished there, they farted on over to the lounge at The Jane Hotel where "witnesses" say they were "holding hands." What the witnesses didn't say is that both Jenny and Gerry's pr whores were on either side of them holding a pistol to their heads while screaming "HOLD HANDS NOW!" I mean, she has a movie coming out, he has a movie coming out, they are filming a movie together...it all works out!

I refuse to believe that a huge whore like Gerry holds hands in a bar. That's a little too sweet for his ass. Sluts don't hold hands, they hold genitals and tittays. So, all publicists involved need to hold a pow wow over a bong and try again.

Here's Gerry and Jenny on the neverending shoot for The Bounty in NYC today.

It's hotter than a cat's pussy in NYC, so I can completely understand that Jennifer Aniston needs a big ass fan to keep her ovaries from shriveling up, but DAMN! While you're bitching about your job in your air-conditioned cubicle, think of the poor sap who spent all afternoon being a human fan stand. Jennifer should've taken some pity on that tortured soul and picked up a Twidildo instead. Freeze it, fuck it and stay frosty for hours.

If that was me, I would've "accidentally" tipped that fan onto her head, so that her prized locks would get tangled in that shit. I know, this is why I don't have nice things.

Here's more of Aniston on the set of that movie that will never ever finish shooting. And look, Jenny had herself a threesome with a hot black stud and a blonde bitch right there on the sidewalk. Git git git it, Aniston!

Remember Fred and Sharon? I mean, how could you forget? They improved your life with a video movie. And now the two masters of Canadian video movie art have returned to improve Jennifer Aniston's love life by offering some advice. Jennifer Aniston needs to immediately clear out her fake nursery and move Sharon in to be her personal "professional counselor."

And if you feel like you were just roofied after watching that video. You're not alone. Actually, I think Sharon woke up from a roofie nap before shooting this.

Here's some pictures of Gerard Butler driving Jennifer Aniston to the beach yesterday where they drank wine and laughed a lot.