Jennifer Aniston

No, I'm not talking about her:

I'm not talking about him either:

I'm talking about THIS:

It's as if Bonnie Parker robbed an eyebrow shaping salon instead of a bank! This beauty's eyebrows look like two sticks of dynamite itching to be LIT! She still gives me fire without the flame, though. In a perfect world, Gerry and Jennifer would be taking pictures of her! Sigh. Life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

Here's Gerry and Jennifer (who is wearing some kind of Statue of Liberty gown made out of condom skins) at the NYC premiere of The Bounty Hunter last night.

43-year-old David Schwimmer is getting married to 24-year-old photographer Zoe Buckman! These two crazy lovebirds met in London in 2007 while David was directing Run Fat Boy Run. This will be the first marriage for both of them.

David and Zoe have been dating for around 3 years, so you can stop trying to hand her that gold digging shovel! Besides, a trained gold digger digs with her mouth. Speaking of mouths, Zoe isn't puckering in the picture above because the money is so close she can actually taste it! No, she's puckering because pretending to suck on David Schwimmer's peen makes her happy. So there's really no need to embrace her into the Gold Diggers Club just yet!

Anyways, here's Ross' TRUE TRUE love Rachel Green looking more like Rachel Orange while doing stuff in NYC yesterday afternoon and this morning.

Heidi Montag will make her feature film debut, and surprisingly she won't be playing the role of Billy in the next Saw movie.

HuffPo says that Heidi has been cast alongside Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman and Brooklyn Decker in the comedy Just Go With It. I guess all the Dollar Store Dolls and factory-defective Real Dolls in Los Angeles were otherwise engaged.

Heidi Twatted the apocalypse-summoning news. I also threw in a couple of her Twats that really need to be seen:

I was just cast in my first feature film comedy! I start filming monday!!!!!
4:13 PM Mar 10th via mobile web

memorizing my script for the feature comedy movie I am filming all next week
12:40 PM Mar 11th via mobile web

I love Jesus and the infinate love and light above
2:57 PM Mar 11th via mobile web#

I love the US Coast Guard so much! They have the coolest gazelle helicopters that fly over our house all the time. GO NAVY! love you guys!
33 minutes ago via web

Unfortunately, Heidi isn't playing Nicole's long-lost twin twister who was separated from her on the plastic surgeon's table. Heidi is playing herself. Again, there wasn't even a wig-wearing dildo (Kim Zolciak doesn't count) available to play the role of Heidi Montag?

At tonight's London premiere of The Bounty Hunter, Gerard Butler held onto Jennifer Aniston as though she was a vagina wrapped in bacon. And Jennifer Aniston held onto Gerard Butler as though he was....well...as though he was a living, breathing man with a semi-working peen (that's up for negotiations).

This is Gerry's usual thing, though. At The Ugly Truth premiere last year, Gerry posed so close to Katherine Heigl that it looked like they were playing pass the golf ball with their crotches. Gerry isn't at home on the red carpet unless he's dry sexing a piece. And hopefully, Jennifer knew this was coming and wore a body condom underneath her dress. If she didn't, there's a good chance she caught the herp without the fun. Sigh. Story of her life.

Jennifer Aniston sort of, kind of looks like herself on the cover of W Magazine, but what in Photoshop hell did they do to Gerard Butler? He looks like an extra from Grand Theft Auto. Usually when I see a picture of Gerry Butler, I have to give my eyeballs a shot of penicillin and rub myself down with a body wipe. I don't feel the need to do that after looking at this cover and that's a shame! They've changed you, Gerry!

Photoshop ridiculousness aside, what is with this pose? Is Jennifer Aniston worried that she'll have to spend the rest of the day at the free clinic due to getting so close to Gerry's crotch warts? Did she choke on a ball of cookie dough and Gerry's trying to give her the Heimlich while remaining sexy? Is he hugging her womb? I don't know, but it's not working for me.

And since it's Show And Tell Wednesday, here's an amazing e-mail I got in response to The Jennifer Aniston Perfume Contest:

This reminds me. MADDOX, you better pay that last invoice or I'm sending you to collections this time!

Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:

John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"

John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"

John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."

John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's fucked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fucking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).

And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!

Most people run off to Mexico to escape Billy Bush, but Jennifer Aniston invited him and Access Hollywood's cameras to Los Cabos to celebrate her 41st birthday with her. Hey, that $9,000-a-night villa is not going to pay for itself! Actually, it is going to pay for itself now that Aniston pimped them out on National TV. Note to Chicken Cutlets: If you drop Super 8's name on Public Access, they will give you a free hour!

Anyways, Jenny told Billy that she dragged 50 of her knitting circle buddies to Mexico for her birthday, because she thinks boozing it up will help their economy. And because one of her favorite childrens charities is based in Tijuana. The Angelina Jolie of Tijuana said, "These people survive on us coming down and spending money and coming here to these beautiful places. It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico. Let’s shout out to these kids in Tijuana at El Faro and you know, have a big…that’s sort of our birthday celebration this year.”

That's what my friend always said when hos would throw him a side-eye after he admitted he buys all his painkillers in Rosarito Beach, Mexico. The dumb bitch would say he was helping the economy. And no, I'm not talking about myself for once (Yes, I am).

To celebrate her 41st birfday, Jennifer Aniston flew to Los Cabos, Mexico with a bunch of her friends including her favorite shopping partner Gerry Butler, Sheryl Crow, Courtney Cox and David Arquette. You know, because if you're going to weep on the floor of a shower while punching at your womb, you might as well do it in sunny Mexico. NO! Aniston doesn't do that. Homegirl is probably happy that there's not an army of babies there to barf in her margarita (barfarita), do diarrhea in the hot tub or spit on her delicious nachos. Aniston probably toasted to her barren womb! My crazy cat lady cousin made me type that, to be honest.

Here's more of Aniston, Gerry (who is begging for a Q-Tip), Sheryl, Courtney and Court's spine in Los Cabos yesterday. Yes, Court's spine makes my own spine feel inadequate. You seriously could muddle a lime on her spine to make a Mojito. My useless spine can't do that.

Brangelina has been keeping busy. When St. Angie isn't practicing swallowing an entire bottle of pills whole, she has been holding top secret meetings with her hypnotic vagina to discuss how they are going to snatch away Johnny Depp from Gappy. And when Brad isn't putting on a faux happyface for the children army, he has been playing tea party with Aniston and her stuffed animal collection. At least that is what the tabloids are saying this week.

Star Magazine is saying that St. Angie wants to reclaim her crown as the hardest-working dick snatcher in the game (sorry Sienna) by getting a piece of Johnny Depp. Angie and Johnny are about to shoot a movie together in Italy later this month, and she has been inviting herself over his L.A. house to "work on the script." But a source says that she's really trying to work on his wang. The source went on to say, . “She's already spent hours there drinking red wine with Johnny. She's intense and goes for anything and anyone she wants. She has no limits!" Angie must be planning to go in for the kill when they get to Italy, because she told Brad that he is not invited.

I don't think Vanessa Paradis needs strap Johnny's dick with The Club just yet. I mean, nobody can gap him like she can (I don't know what that means either).

As for OK! Magazine and InTouch, the covers really say it all. It says that St. Angie is channeling Neely O'Hara from Valley of the Dolls and threatening Brad with some dark secret. Maybe his deep dark secret is that his goat beard is actually a glued on merkin.

This afternoon, Jennifer Aniston will buy hundreds of copies of each of these tabloids, go home, spread them all over her bed, get nekkid and then roll around on top of them for HOURS. THE JOY! And when she goes to the doctor tomorrow, she'll tell him that the small cuts on her labia came from one of her 50 cats who mistook it for a toy.

As expected, the tabloids gifted us with some amazing headlines and covers this week. According to the tabloids, the cookie dough version of Krystle Carrington is winning this round.

InTouch says that Aniston met Zahara and Shiloh in NYC LAST MARCH (who cares about being timely). OK! says that Aniston and Brad reunited at the buffet line at the telethon for Haiti last week. And Star Magazine says that Brad has already cried on Aniston's chin about his shitty relationship with St. Angie.

I'm going to choose to believe all of this. It's the only way to play.