Jennifer Aniston

If you're a Brangaloonie, then your desk is probably covered in mouth cum, because this interview with Jennifer Aniston with Elle Magazine is like a juicy delicious steak cooked just for you (and blessed St. Angie herself.) Get out your A1, because Jennifer talks about how she's fine with being known as the miserable loser who spends her Saturday nights pretending to give birth to her real baby doll while her husband (aka a cardboard cut out of Brad Pitt from Fight Club) watches on.

Jenny said, "I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room. It's fine. I can take it. If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it. I can make fun of myself. And I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."

She also talked about the day her mother told her she was fugly in the face. Basically. "I remember being 7 and asking my mom if I was as pretty as [my best friend] Monique. And with all the love in the world, my mom looked at me and said, 'Oh, honey, you're so funny.' So, she doesn't lie to me . . . She answers the question by not answering and instead tells me what she thinks is my greatest strength."

You know, Jenny is always whining about how she's Susan Boyle of America and blah...blah..blah, but homegirl knows that's how she's making zillions of dollars. Maybe she has us all fooled? Maybe she has a husband and 3 kids living in her basement, but keeps them a secret because she knows she has to continue to play the role of "old maid."

VIA UsWeekly

Who in the cookie dough hell is Jennifer Aniston's agent? Maddox on stilts?! Because Jenny's choice of movie roles are not helping her case. First, was The Break-Up, then The Baster and now we have PUMAS (that's sad old maidey-talk for cougars)!!!!

Variety says that Jenny will co-star in the movie about "two thirtysomething women who make a habit of romancing younger men and take a French skiing vacation that challenges their romantic expectations."

Did Jenny not learn anything from watching the trailer for Courtney Cox's Cougar Town?!

What's next? Derailed: The Story of Jennifer Aniston's Love Life or Love Happens, Just Not To Me Or Rumor Has It...That You Married Your Entire Collection of Stuffed Animals.

Maybe Jenny is just irony's #1 customer.

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are working on a movie together, so the rumors that they are going around in a romantic were bound to happen. But Gerard is not happy about it. In fact, all the rumors are more annoying than 120 "I LUVZ u PlZ luvz me" text messages from Aniston in a 20-minute period. That's really annoying.

Gerry tells People, "That is just annoying. People say I'm always dating so and so, and sometimes it's three people in one day. I'm trying to make movies, work hard and do my best. Then this kind of thing happens and people start to associate me more with that. It gets ridiculous. She (Aniston) is one classy lady. Everyday I go to work with her I'm always surprised about how cool, easy and down to earth and real she is."

I'm with Gerry. How dare the tabloids queef out that Gerry is boning three ladies in one day when they know very well he's doing at least a dozen. Gerry has a reputation to uphold as big ole' manwhore who plugs pussies like it's going out of style.

Furthermore, Gerry is not some dude who is into "going out on stupid dates" and doing lovey dovey shit. No. Gerry is a "bust and bounce" man. Gerry's dick is not about to have brunch with you or go apple picking in the country. Don't. Get. It. Twisted.

Image: INFDaily.com

When Bradley Cooper told reporters that he was only friends with Jennifer Aniston, she immediately barricaded herself in her cookie dough refrigerator room (you know she has one) and devoured half of her inventory. Jenny apparently thought she was dating Bradley and was DEVASTATED when he denied their love. When Jenny broke into Bradley's home in the middle of the night by crawling into the air vents to confront him about it, he said that he only wanted to be fweeeeeeends. That's when she ate the other half of her inventory.

A source (aka Maddox, again) tells the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “It was a huge embarrassment for Jennifer — now she feels used an upset — her confidence has taken yet another knock and she’s back at square one in terms of dating. Jen was so happy to be dating Bradley. She saw him as a hot new guy who was finally a worthy replacement for John and Brad."

Jenny also thinks that by Bradley denying their "relationship" to the press, he has made her look desperate (which in Branganese translates into "Jennifer Aniston"), “It makes her look desperate — which is the one thing she dreads coming across more than anything else."

Oh, Jennifer! You could never look desperate. Yes, you make your fuck time partner jizz in a turkey baster instead of on your nalgas, but that's not desperate! That's being determined! Yes, you probably sent Bradley's parents an "I Can't Wait To Be Your Daughter-In-Law" card after your first date, but that's not desperate. That's kind-hearted! And yes, you've probably unofficially broken the Guinness World Record for staging the most faux-weddings with your stuffed animals, but that's not desperate. That's just pathetic....but kind of adorable (not really).

Here's NOT DESPERATE (I'm lying) Jen on the set of her movie The Bounty Hunter in New York yesterday.

The professional listmakers at Forbes put together their annual "Hollywood's Top-Earning Actresses" issue and predictably these two twats were at the top. Maddox's nemesis made $25 million last year, but it still wasn't enough for the #1 slot. That went to St. Angie who brought in around $27 million. You know St. Angie really made less, but she asked God for a loan so that she could move ahead. But the joke will be on her after she sees God's interest rates.

Forbes says that Angie made a shit load for Wanted and also got a big upfront payment for her upcoming movie Salt. Jenny made most of her cash from Friends residuals and that movie about the doggy with the red Xes on his eyes.

Somewhere in the world, Robin Givens and Juliette Lewis are simultaneously scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, because they both gnawed on Brad Pitt's taint. Together, they probably made $27 in Arby's coupons last year.

Here's the rest of Forbes list. There's really something wrong in the world when Kate Winslet is bringing in less coin than the bitch who was in Forces of Nature.

1: St. Angie - $27 million
2: Jenny Aniston - $25 million
3: Meryl Streep - $24 million
4: Sarah Jessica Pony - $23 million
5: Pizza Face Diaz - $20 million
6: Sandra Bullock - $15 million
7: Reese Witherspoon - $15 million
8: Nicole Kidman - $12 million
8: Drew Barrymore - $12 million
10: Squinty Zellweger - $10 million
11: Cate Blanchett - $8 million
12: Anne Hathaway - $7 million
12: Halle Berry - $7 million
14: ScarJo - $5.5 million
15: Kate Winslet - $2 million

VIA The Hollywood Reporter

The gossip around these parts is that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper went out on a couple (or more) dates together. The tabloids hailed them as the second coming of Jen & Brad. Well, if they were touching nipples in the morning, it doesn't sound like they are anymore.

At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Brad talked a little bit about the noise going around that he's boning Jenny. And he did it in FRENCH. Swoo-ooon. My no-no just queefed in a French accent.

Brad said, "She's a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She's someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says 'hello' to her, it's given that he's fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She's a very, very interesting woman, but she's simply a friend."

A "very interesting woman"? That's like when a one-night-fuck says to you afterwards, "That was fun." That's my cue to stroll to his bathroom, wipe my freshly sexed-up ass on his good towel, grab my clothes and proceed to do the walk of shame knowing that I messed up as a true slut. He's basically saying, "Your fuck game is weak!"

"A very interesting woman" either means: a) He got weirded out when Jenny told him they couldn't have sex until the following week because that's when her cycle started. b) She showed up to their second date in her dream wedding dress. c) The head was whack.

Source: People

Maddox's nemesis was honored at the Crystal + Lucy Awards yesterday for her contribution to film and the tabloid industry. By the way, I knew two sisters in junior high school named Crystal and Lucy. They wanted to be cholas so bad, but their facial features just weren't made for dark lip liner and Sharpie eyebrows. They gave up on that dream and decided to get knocked up at the same time instead. It warms my no-heart that they have an entire awards show named after them now. If anyone deserves it, they do.

While accepting her award, Jenny Aniston once again joked about her love life, "I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl...which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed. Then there was The Breakup. Followed by the lighter side, Friends With Money. If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great! I'm at table six, and my agents are at table 12."

Then Jennifer laughed like she's never laughed before! Then slowly her laugh turned into a quiet cry which turned into a category 7 Tsunami of tears. Then she pulled pieces of her own hair out while mumbling, "You stupid, stupid, stupid, you stupid stupid..."

But seriously, Jenny's next movie is called The Baster, so she maybe she should put on her sexiest dress and start cruising the kitchen utensil section of Crate & Barrel.

Here's more of Jenny last night looking hot while wearing a beautiful dress made by Reynolds Wrap. She used her dress later to make a delicious meal of roasted chicken and vegetables....for one.

Brad and Jen are back together! Brad and Jen are getting married again! Brad and Jen are having triplets together! Brad and Jen adopt Maddox! At least that's what I'm thinking the next 4 covers of Star Magazine are going to look like. This week, Brad and Jen had a super secret meeting and the limo driver is spilling the sauce. No, the limo driver's name is not Norman.

The limo driver claims he drove Jennifer Aniston to the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC at 1am to meet Brad. The limo driver said the two spent a couple of hours together in the back of the private roof club. The driver went on to yap, "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted."

Let me get this straight. They don't want to get caught yet they meet on the rooftop of a hotel? An open roof?! Don't they know that God has eyes? Don't they also know that St. Angie is on God's Fave Five? It just takes one quick text message and their shit is EXPOSED! Creeping around: They are doing it wrong!

And after reading this story, I feel like this is a sign that Brad and Jennifer should star in a remake of My Chauffeur. My brain always goes back to the 80s. Always.

Here's Brangie's fuckery on 3 more covers this week. Can the tabloids please find a way to get Brad to leave St. Angie for Megan Fox? That's where this is headed....

Jennifer Aniston is kind of insane. And she's really "polar bear diving crazy" when it comes to her hair. A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Jenny made FOX pay almost $80,000 to fly her hairslave, Chris McMillan, to Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie. Well, when it came time to shoot Management, Maddox's greatest rival wanted to go for a homelier look (all together now...HA!), but didn't want to touch her precious locks. So Jenny got Chris to customize a wig. The total price came to (read this in a Kanye CAPS-LOCK scream) $10,000!!!11!!1!!!!!!!!!! For fucking real! Someone got tricked! The kitchen ass wig laying at the bottom of my closet from ten Halloweens ago (I was Mimi from the Heartbreaker video. DON'T ASK) looks better than that!

The hairstylist on the film told People, “She wanted to look very different, but didn’t want to cut or dye her hair. The color was very complimentary on her. She’s got wonderful warm skin. With that blond hair, she’s very known as Jennifer Aniston and I think sometimes that takes away from watching the story."

Yeah, um, that bitch still looks like Rachel from Friends. Even if they put a $10,000 wig on her chin, she'd still look like Jennifer Aniston. WIG FAIL.

Okay, the little girl isn't hers. Jennifer Aniston just hired the girl to make her Wednesday afternoon game of "Play House Times" more real-like. Naw, Jenny is filming that The Baster movie in Brooklyn and I guess the baster worked? Spoiler alert!

Jenny has got the whole mother bear role down. Bitch is disemboweling us with her eyes! I bet she growled at any bitch who dared to come near her and her hired child.

When movie time making was over, they probably had to pry that child out of Jenny's claws using two cranes, Vadge's roidy-cooch and a picture of Maddox winking at the camera. NOT WITHOUT MY BABY FRIEND!