A DANCE-OFF!!!!!! The epic dance battle between St. Angie Jo and her arch rival Jenny Aniston might finally take place on Saturday night at the Night Before the Oscars party in Beverly Hills. That's what OK! Magazine says anyway. Jen is apparently ready for the face-off since she has an actual man to take to parties instead of an invisible one!
A source said, "She has always known that this moment would happen and she's never been more ready to see her nemesis, Angie, in the flesh. She's no longer alone — she has a hot man in her life — John Mayer — and she plans to bring him as her date to the party."
Okay, um, Jenny might get more respect if she brings her Brad Pitt Real Doll to the party instead of a used maxi-pad.
And the DJ of the Night Before the Oscars party better have 20 Fingers' "Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend" ready to go on the speakers, because when Jenny and St. Angie come sadface to cuntface, they are going to take off their shoes and get fucking down. Maddox and Zahara better stand by to tag in for Angie. And I guess Aniston's dog friends will tag in for her? They will all chant "Whoop that trick!" while Angie and Jenny bust a move.
Here's St. Angie going to hip-hop class in NYC to get ready for Saturday's big dance war. No, she's going to look at an apartment in Manhattan's Washington Heights. How many bitches from the neighborhood do you think she's going to adopt before she leaves?
Jennifer Aniston will star in a movie called The Baster. As in, turkey. As in, Aniston just hand delivered a pile of jokes to every fucking comic in the world. Variety (via Coming Soon) says that Michael Bluth aka Jason Bateman will co-star in the comedy about baby making. I bet Aniston thinks it's going to be a documentary. That's how they got her ass. Bitch is going to be fucking disappointed when she only gets a certified "FLOP" stamp when the movie opens instead of the turkey baster baby of her dreams.
The Baster is about "a neurotic and insecure man (Michael Bluth) who finds out his best friend (Maddox's arch rival) wants to have a child through artificial insemination. He surreptitiously replaces her donor's semen with his own and is then forced to live with the secret that he is the child's real father."
Sperm shenanigans! Who the hell is managing Aniston's career? Maddox must be behind this shit. The next time she meets with her manager "Larry Craft," she should open up his suit jacket! I'm sure she'll find Maddox sitting on Pax's shoulders. FOILED! Who else would advise her to do movies that do nothing to help her "I have nightly play weddings with my cats" image.
Jenny needs to stop with these stupid ass comedies. We need more of The Good Girl shit from her. Honestly, that movie wasn't bad. Besides, she could do ten million comedies and they would never live up to the genius that is Picture Perfect.
If I was Jenny Aniston's spokeswhore, I'd make her swear on her favorite real baby that she will not talk about men, relationships, Brangelina, Maddox or anything sex-related during interviews. You know, I'd demand that she only talk about kittens, puppies, unicorns, rainbows, Cathy the comic strip, candy canes, cocaine and ice cream! Those are safe topics. If she stayed on those topics, quotes like the one she gave Marie Claire would never come back to bite her in the nalgas.
In a joint interview with Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin for that GET ME A MAN NOW movie, Jennifer Aniston confessed this: "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband… it’s like saving love letters."
HUSBAND! Oh, Jen. It's time to burn the entire cardboard box you keep near your bed labeled: WHY BRAD WHY?!!!! This is just Kleenex box sad. I totally picture her listening to those tapes while cuddling with the teddy bear she made using hair she stole from Brad's hairbrush. I bet she spent hours taking soundbytes from each tape to get Brad to say, "Hi, gorgeous honey. You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Marry me again. Angelina is a hose." She couldn't find a bite of him using the word "whore," but she figured "hose" was close enough.
Click here to read the entire interview.
You would think that Jennifer Aniston would fall in love with any dude who had a pulse and a high sperm count. Well, she made an exception about the "pulse" thing for John Mayer. Jenny says she has some standards. She told Access Hollywood that she won't date a dude with a shag carpet attached to his back. She said, “I got to say, that’s a deal breaker. The occasional rogue hair, I can easily help that one out."
She's lying. If the dude told her his back hair was really a fertility field, you know she'd be scooting her vag all over that shit. And you can get Epilady to make a high-powered back plucker, Jen. Don't be so damn picky! Take a few hundred gallons of NADS to that shit. For the record: NADS is junk....so I've hard.
Jen's deal breaker reminds me of a dude I once had sexy talk with on the internet. He sent me a face picture and he was definitely worth washing my parts out for. We got to cyberfucking and then he warned me that he was kind of hairy. God gave me fingers to pluck pubes out of my mouth, so this didn't really bother me. And then he sent me a picture of him topless. The Harry and the Hendersons theme song started playing in my head. It would be like fucking a dead bear rug. And no, I didn't hit it. I don't want rug burns on my ass lips.
Oh, look. Brad Pitt loved his Benjamin Button old baby face make-up so much that he's decided to wear it everywhere! If that was only the truth. This definitely needs more tinkering by the Photoshop elves. I know, Brad is trying to be all "raw" and "real" on the cover of W Magazine, but he only looks "elderly" and "sleepy." I could take a canoe down one of his forehead canals. I mean, damn! I bet you St. Angie's vagina is like a 7-year-old's since it sucked out all of Brad's hotness and youth. Just feed Pepaw Pitt some Ensure through a straw and let's move on.
So....in the February issue of W, Brad is ooooooonce again dragging out this shit bitches have been talking about for fucking centuries. You can even read about this drama on the walls of the tombs of Egypt. But here I am continuing the fuckery, so I'll slap myself with a baby later.
Brad defended St. Angie when talking about how they got together while he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. He said, “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful."
Okay, he gets points for saying "dastardly affair." Not only does he looks like he was born in the late 1800s, but he talks like it too!
Now, he also defended Jennifer's infamous "uncool" comment. Brad said, "Jen is a sweetheart. I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Um. They are the fucking creators! The interviewer didn't hide the word "uncool" in a cucumber sandwich and force feed it to Jen. She said it willingly! And by "sweetheart" he really means, "She exists, so every now and again I have to pat her on the head."
All of these three famewhores are in cahoots for some publicity . When does Jen have another movie coming out? Because that's when we're going to see her naked ass on the cover of a magazine in some kind of ferret pose with the quote, "It WAS a DASTARDLY affair!"
The only person I believe in all of this is Maddox. He tells the truth. I'm still waiting for his tell-all.
Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn't do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: "Suk on dat!"
I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.
What surprised me the most about this weekend's box office is the fact that Tommy Girl's big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That's the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there's a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.
The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:
1. Marley & Me - $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories - $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby - $27 million
4. Valkyrie - $21.5 million
5. Yes Man - $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds - $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux - $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still - $7.9 million
9. The Spirit - $6.5 million
10. Doubt - $5.7 million
Most dog owners have a rule that if you don't become BFFs with their dog(s), then the fuck party must come to an end. It doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston is one of those dog owners. Gatecrasher says that Jenny did not bring her dogs, Norman and Dolly, to NYC while she promotes Marley & Me, because John Mayer would probably strangle or curse them out. He apparently hates hates haaaates them. So Jenny left them in Los Angeles, probably because she's dickmatized. And when you're dickmatized, the dick rules all.
A source said that John even hated Jessica's Simpson's angel of a dog Daisy. There's a special place in the toilet closet in hell for people who hate Daisy Simpson.
Jenny's spokeswhore said the story is made of a million lies, but I believe it. John Mayer probably farts at anything that takes the attention anyway from him. When Jennifer brushes her teeth, he totally yells at her fucking toothbrush. He's gross.
As a dog owner, I've never met a dude who didn't like my dog. It's mostly been the other way around. They like my dog better than they like me. They come over to hang out with my dog and leave me in the fucking corner like I'm a damn fern. My dog knows it too. He gives me looks like "Yeah, bitch. I got yo man!"
I honestly don't think I'd ever find a dude who liked me but didn't like my dog. I mean, my dog and me are so much alike. We both are stupid lazy sluts who love bacon and are easily amused by rubber toys. If you don't like him, you don't like me.
It snowed in NYC yesterday and I thought everyone was going to start farting hot cocoa with marshmallows in it, because I got a dozen e-mails, IMs and pigeon greeting saying shit like "OMG! It's snowing! So Christmas-ey! So Winter Wonderland-ey! So magical-ey!" Yeah, I must that admit, that even though my heart is made of The Grinch's snot balls, I still like snow times......for like ten seconds.
In NYC, snow is pretty for a few eye blinks and then it turns into icy smegma like the shit Nicole Kidman probably coughs up. It's not fun or cute trying to walk on frozen jizz. I never wear the right shoes in the snow either, so I end up grabbing on to walls, strangers, poles and anything that can keep my fruity ass from hitting the frozen ground. Froze fruit! I haven't fallen yet, but my time is coming. It always does. Especially since I've already laughed at a little girl falling on her ass. Yeah, I'll get mine and it won't be fun.
Oh and try to look like you care when you glance at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in the snow last night. Unfortunately, they didn't slip and hit the ground. They look confused by the white boogers falling from the sky, though. Or maybe they are just trying to figure out a good "We Is So In Love" pose to give the paparazzi.
I'm surprised these two didn't combust from desperation. I know, I'm such a fake romance hater. But Jenny Aniston is gazing at John Mayer the same way I look at a 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburger or a 9 inch hard dick! When was the last time you looked at a dude that way? Gazes like this are only meant for delicious food products or big peens. Mayer is neither of those. A big bag of rubber vaginas, yes. But not a big peen. And she's looking directly up his nose and you know that shit is full of mocos. There's nothing romantic about that.
Anyway, Jenny has a movie coming out about a dog, so she decided it was time to polish off her "Ah's soooo in lurveeees" gaze and bring John Mayer out for a little surprise candid photo shoot with the pappies. If these pictures were black and white, they would look exactly like those fake ass photos that come with new frames.
Here's Jenny and John leaving La Esquina in NYC last night after having dinner with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. See! Kelly and Mark are behaving like a real couple. They aren't looking at each other and probably getting the dry heaves when they touch. That's real love!
Jennifer Aniston was on Letterman last night to whore out that doggy movie and most of the interview was a lukewarm bowl of boring. Aniston interviews should really come with a big injection of speed, because they bring the zzzzzs. The only time the shit she says is kind of interesting is when she talks about you know who. I think Letterman sort of, kind of tried to bring it up by showing Jenny the "uncool" cover. Jenny looked at the thing like it was Saint Angie's latest ultrasound. I've never noticed this before, but Jenny has the laugh of a 65-year-old smoker with a guilty conscience. It's like when someone asks me if I farted. I give one of those raspy "you so funny, but oh-so-right" laughs.
After the Vogue cover, Letterman moved on to her "puppy does Playboy" cover on GQ Magazine. Jenny surprised Letterman by giving him the same tie used for the cover. Yes, she just gave away the tie like that! Saint Angie would've blessed it by smearing her holy water saliva all over it. Then she would have auctioned it off for a million dollars and used the money to save the lives of ten thousand orphans! Or Angie would have unraveled the tie and made hundreds of mosquito nets out of it. And Aniston just gave it away like that! Pff!
And below is Jenny outside of Letterman trying to find a man and some available kids. Is it just me or does her dress look like it's tucked into her chonies?