Jennifer Aniston

Uh oh. Jennifer Aniston better lock herself in her anti-Brangaloonie safe house tonight. You know she probably has two in every house. They might be coming for her!

A friend told UsWeekly that Jennifer is happy for Brangelina, "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids."

The Brangaloonies have all gathered in a Yahoo! chat room at their headquarters to dissect this quote and discuss their next course of action. They finish each meeting by reciting every line from "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

Seriously, Jenny doesn't hope the chosen ones are beautiful. She hopes they are butt fugly and she has the voodoo dolls to prove it. It's not possible though. Saint Angelina only produces pure beauty. I wouldn't be surprised if she popped out two precious diamonds.

This friend is right, though. Where there's a fugly baby, there's two unhappy parents. If my baby was ugly, I would be so mad at the world. I would constantly snarl at it and try to hide its fugness with wigs, masks or cardboard boxes. I'm joking! No, I'm not.

Jenny Aniston drops $20,000 a month on beauty treatments to maintain her looks. Don't laugh! A source told The National Enquirer that ever since she started doing fuckey times with John Mayer, she's been overspending on her appearance.

A friend claims Jenny gets private yoga lessons 3 times a week, employs a completely organic private chef and gets anti-cellulite treatments once a month. The friend said, "Jen is doing whatever it takes to hold back time - short of plastic surgery. Jen is insecure about her legs, so she goes for anti-cellulite spa sculpting treatments twice a month. They cost $1,000 a session, but Jen swears that the sculpting keeps her skin supple and smooth. She calls the treatments 'necessary tune-ups."

Bullshit! She's not spending $20k a month on "treatments."

She spends $10,000 a month on a monthly supply of Billy Bob Thornton's blood. She spends $5,000 a month on weekly make-out sessions with James Haven. And she pays Maddox $5,000 a month to call her once a month and say, "You are the most beautiful mother in the world. I loves you." Sometimes Maddox messes up and screams "SIKE" at the end of the call. She takes off $1,000 from his paycheck when he does that. Hey, she figures if all that shit works for Saint Angelina, it will work for her.

Here's some pictures of Jenny walking to her SUV in Los Angeles and John walking to his SUV in NYC. Thrilling.

Jennifer Aniston followed John Mayer all around the UK and Europe last week while he was playing gigs. Everything was fine until Jenny spotted Kimbo Stewart backstage at John's Hard Rock Calling show at Hyde Park in London. Kimbo and John apparently know each other, but Jenny doesn't want any hos around "who reminds her that he used to be a player," claims one source. Bitch better take John and move to Mongolia then, because John is a mega slut. Shit, I'm sure there's a camel in Mongolia who has hit that shit.

According to the Mirror, Jenny immediately told security to kick Kimbo out. Kimbo wouldn't move even though bouncers told her a couple of times that she had to take her nastiness elsewhere. John finally stepped in and demanded Kimbo be kicked out.

A source said, "Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."

When you start becoming jealous of the fugness known as Kimbo Stewart, it's time to check yourself into the nearest mental facility. Game over.

Friends: The Movie?! Smelly Cat NO! This is not a good idea, unless they call it, Friends: The One Where The Central Perk Blows Up With All Of Them In It.

According to the Daily Mail, the cast of Friends is ready to terrorize the big screen thanks to the success from the Sex and the City movie. I knew nothing good could ever come out of that movie.

An insider thinks the movie can come together within the next 18 months. The cast has apparently been ready for a while, but Jenny Aniston was the one who wasn't so sure about a movie. Some source said, "As the biggest star of the Friends franchise, Jennifer can't help but look at what's happened with Sarah Jessica Parker and the Sex And The City film and be a little jealous. What's held back a Friends movie so far is that people were worried that Jennifer had simply become too famous to play Rachel again." Yeah, some big star. "Derailed" anybody? "Rumor Has It" anybody?

Please, no more movies based on crappy TV shows! The only TV show to feature film allowed to be made is "It's A Living!" I mean, Ann Jillian and Marian Mercer? Magic! Intro below:

It could also be the face he makes while he's cleaning out his foreskin. You know that shit is like a three-cheese pizza with extra crust. If Johnny Mayer makes those faces while he's playing, imagine the faces he makes during fuckey fuckey times? A bitch making seizure frowns while banging into you is not sexy.

John Mayer performed at Glastonbury today, but Jenny Aniston did not watch him from the wings like a crazed stalker. She was at Heathrow this morning, on her way back to the US. OMG! They totally broke up! No...Jenny has things to get back to and by "things" I mean her Angelina voodoo shrine needs dusting.

Jenny did join John yesterday at the Hard Rock Calling festival in London. The night before, she watched John perform at London's Brixton Academy. If she can stand through two of his boring-as-fuck performances, then it must be love.

Here's Johnny at Glastonbury and Jenny arriving at Heathrow today.

John Mayer was dating Minka Kelly before he met the love of this month his life, Jennifer Aniston. Page Six reports that John called up Minka to let her know what was coming. A source said, "Minka received a call from John prior to the story breaking about his relationship with Jennifer. He apologized to Minka, 'Sorry, but I'm really in love.' " She found that interesting as, "during his relationship with her, John mentioned, 'I don't really get this Jennifer Aniston thing.'"

That John is such and honest and caring tool. If this Aniston thing doesn't work out, he would be a prime candidate for eHarmony. Wait, that's probably where he met Aniston.

And he's in love with Aniston?! Probably because she's the only chick that didn't vomit when she saw his abnormally shaped dick and urethra. You know he has one of those. (NSFL warning) Click here (Seriously, don't click) to see it.

Here's John outside of his hotel in Manchester, England today posing for pictures with his fans.

Jenny Aniston is currently in London waiting for her soon-to-be stalking victim, John Mayer, to join her from Denmark. John is getting ready to start his UK tour with Jenny joining his entourage. You know bitch is just there to make sure Mayer keeps his "Dominican penis" in his pants! John probably doesn't even know she's there. He's going to be shocked when he realizes that the crazy woman in the front row, throwing her bra at him and screaming "Why won't you fucking marry me asshole?" is actually Jenny Aniston.

Here's Jenny leaving LAX to stalk John in London. Notice the Smart Water? Product placement!

Johnny and Jenny attended some humanitarian event at STK in Los Angeles last night with Courtney Cox and her husband. I forget his name. This was one of John and Jenny's first public events together. A source told UsWeekly that the two were "canoodling" throughout the night. The source said, "they had their arms around each other. She was rubbing his back and whispering into his ear. They were touching each other non-stop all night." And then everyone barfed, Hazmat was called and it was just a big disaster.

I mean, I know Johnny does it good (or so it has been claimed) but damn! People were eating! That keep shit to yourself! Get a private room, closet or gutter!

You know, they sort of make a cute couple. Sort of....... It's only going to end with Jenny cutting up his favorite shirts with a kitchen knife while Alanis' first album plays in the background.

I have to hand it to the movie executives that came up with this shit. Genius! They should get a complimentary footjob and Jamba Juice. Anyway, UsWeekly reports that Angie Jo and Jennifer Aniston will whip out their dicks and battle it out on October 24th. Both of these bitches have movies coming out on the same day. Angie's "The Changeling" will be out in limited release the same day Jenny's "He's Not That Into You: The Jennifer Aniston Story" comes out. Okay, I totally fucked with the title of Jenny's movie. But you know that was the working title!

Brandon Gray of Box Office Mojo thinks Jenny's going to win the battle, "Aniston is more relatable to moviegoers and can star in these romantic comedies or dramas more successfully than Jolie. Angelina has tried to have variety in her career, but time and time again, she goes back to these vixen or bad girl roles. She's had some success in those, but when she's strayed from it, she's flopped." Brandon meet the wrath of the Brangaloonies. Have fun!

Fuck both of these twats! Let's go support our main homegirl, Zac Efron, in High School Musical 3 instead. That buttfuck fiesta comes out on the same day.

Jennifer Aniston is already dickmatized! Good dick makes you do stupid things like give up your car keys to the douche you're boning.

John Mayer was driving around in Jenny's SUV today. He ended up back at her place with an overnight bag. I bet you he didn't even fill up the gas and left a wet spot on her driver's seat! What's next? She's going to let him piss with the seat down? I must admit that pissing with the seat down is great fun because it splashes everywhere like a pretty fountain.

In other FerMan news, the two are planning on getting matching tattoos! A source said, “John had the idea that they should both have a ‘J’ tattooed in a secret place as that is both their first initial. Jennifer is really keen on the idea but is going to wait a few months. He said she’s in great shape and her skin is like a baby’s bottom."

She totally burst into tears when he said the word "baby." I guess Courtney Cox forgot to tell him that word must never be used around Jen. NEVER!