Jennifer Aniston

Drunk dialing: every bitch does it! We've all had too much of the sweet stuff which causes us to pick up the phone and moan to an ex about how they killed our dreams and stomped on our hearts. After they hang up on us, we call them back and beg for their forgiveness and cry about how we didn't mean all that. When they hang up on us a second time, we call again and tell them we hope their penis gets caught in the conveyor belt at the airport baggage claim. True story, I've used that line before during a drunk dialing session. Blame Jack Daniels. My point is, that we've all done that shit! Even Brad Pitt! Now Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) claims Brad has been booze calling Jennifer Aniston. Yes, go ahead and stick a label marked "LAUGHS" on this shit.

One source (point your finger at Norman) barked, “She was initially taken aback — especially as he sounded drunk and sorry for himself. He told her he misses her and that he’s sorry for any hurt caused. Jen being Jen immediately told him she’d never held a grudge against him and would welcome them being friends again, so long as she doesn’t have to be friends with Angelina. He agreed. Before the call, Brad hardly ever spoke to Jen and the relationship was strained. But this phone conversation broke the ice and opened the lines of communication once more.”

There's only one way to check if this is true. Call Jennifer Aniston. If a slurry-voiced Brad Pitt is her voicemail message, hold song and ringtone, then you know this shit is fact. Because Jenny would never keep it to herself. And you know she calls herself, sticks her phone on her crotch area and lets Brad's drunk warble rock her world.

Chyler Leigh, who plays Dr. Lexie on Grey's Anatomy, popped out a baby girl today. Chyler and her husband, Nathan West, named the poor child Anniston Kae. This is the closest Jennifer Aniston will ever get to having a baby friend of her very own, right? Jen should send Chyler a fruit basket as a thank you.

A few months ago, Chyler said she was planning to name her baby Aniston, but I thought the trick was just telling jokes. Back then, Chyler said, “It was just something…my husband and I were trying to look for different names and both of our kids have a traditional and a unique name, so we were kind of just looking for something not as common."

Chyler and Nathan's other kids are named Noah Wilde and Taelyn Leigh.

Noah Wilde sounds dangerously close to Noah Wylie. It sounds like Chyler and Nathan like naming their kids after NBC stars. They are totally going to name their next kid Cox after Courtney Cox. Shit, that would've been better than Anniston Kae!

Source: People

Jennifer Aniston's ovaries are still hongray for baby batter (sorry, I hate that term too), so she went out to get herself some! The Susan Boyle of the Americas hit up a party for her movie Management at Table 8 in NYC on Tuesday night. Jennifer put her nose to work to try to sniff out the dude with the highest sperm count (she took a class at the Learning Annex to learn that skill) and it led her to Bradley Cooper.

Bradley and Jenny were both in He's Just Not That Into You. I don't know if they had any scenes together, though. I didn't see that wet piece of crap. Anyway, Page Six says that at the party, Jen was getting on Bradley like she was ready to conceive right then and there! A witness said, "Bradley and Jennifer were definitely into each other. She kept touching his chest and whispering in his ear."

Bradley and Jennifer left the party 10 minutes apart.

Yes, his name is Bradley, but doesn't mean ANYTHING. Yes, Jen probably made him say "Angelina Jolie is a fugly fat cunt with caca brains and a rotten coochie" before she let him touch her breasts, but that has nothing to do with anything. She likes Bradley for Bradley and not because his name is Bradley. It's also a good thing she might be hooking up with a Brad, because then she won't have to make that many changes to her "JEN & BRAD 4EVAHs" shrine. Less work!

According to the paps, this is Jennifer Aniston wearing some kind of KKK/Orko from He-Man hood while leaving her hotel in NYC today to go shoot that movie about a bitch who makes love to a turkey baster or something.

I'm proud of my fingers, because I know they have the intense urge to type "This is the hottest she's ever looked!" Oops. They failed.

Who knows why Jenny decided to cause a mass amount of attention to herself by trying to look like she's hiding her chin from the cameras? Botox gone wrong? Her $60,000 hairstylist wasn't able to pass a blow dryer through her mop. Or it could be something simple like homegirl just has a herp sore on her mouth. Wait. You usually get those from mouth kissing another human being, right? Yeah, can't be that.

Speaking of herpes, when doing research for this non-story (I SWEAR), I found this question on the hilarious bible of all things hilarious: Yahoo Answers!

Can i get herpes from kissing a girl if she ONLY has it on her vagina?
ok me adn this girl were going out for about a week or so and we started kissing like a regular couple does and then i heard she has herpies i thought it was a rumor but i asked her and she said yeah she thinks, only on her vagina not on the mouth or cold sore and im worried cause im allergic to the metal on ur pants button and now my stomach itches is that the allergicness or acn herps spread even if not touched please help

Star Magazine (via SS) thinks they know the real reason why the fartytale romance of this generation was flushed down the toilet. The reason is TWITTER! Jennifer Aniston was apparently completely over John Mayer choosing his Twitter over her twatter.

Jen apparently would flip out and punch her bagina bone with her Blackberry whenever John updated his Twitter without calling or texting her ass. John would take hours upon hours to return her calls and when he did, he would tell her he was too busy. But he obviously wasn't too busy to spread the gospel according to douchebags on Twitter.

A source said, "Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like 'He has time for all this Twittering, but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?' He didn't even deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she called him on it and ended things, he just said OK, and that he was sorry it didn't work out. He took the break-up like a man."

Basically, he wasn't into her ass anymore and would rather rub his limp dick all over his Twitter page (you know he does that) than call her. But bitch should really count herself lucky that John dropped his douche nuggets on Twitter rather than drop them on her.

Now whenever Jenny sees a blue ass bird flying by, she's going to throw a rock or shoe at it. A damn bird stole her man!

You may have a new book to help your bowels move along while you're trying to drop some shit in the toilet. Star Magazine says that John Mayer is yapping to friends that he ready to write a tell-all about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston for $10 million.

A source tells Star, "John just can't keep his mouth shut. and he's telling friends that he's thinking of going public with all their juicy secrets."

John apparently thinks that people give a moldy shit about Jenny's obsession with yoga, her weird TV habits, obsession with astrology and her epic tantrums. Yup, sounds like a hard piece of caca that will come in handy when you need to level a table. And what's so weird about her TV habits? I'm sure the only channel her TV stays on is TLC. All the BABY and WEDDING shows she'll ever need.

The source also said that John was shocked when she called him "Brad" during grossy times. I think the source heard this wrong. John was probably shocked the one time she didn't call him Brad while rubbing his douche stick.

And John is already publishing a tell-all.......on fucking Twitter! Seriously, it's all fucking there. You won't have to pay cent and you'll walk away with a squeaky clean vagina after reading it!

When Jennifer Aniston got back from Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie, John Mayer greeted her with a big fat "It's fucking over." Jenny has been here a trillion times before, so she shrugged her shoulders, went home, pulled out her custom-made flavor of Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The...Babies and Husband" (specifically made for her), cuddled with her boyfriend arm pillow and watched a doctored copy of Mr. & Mrs. Smith (with her head digitally replacing Angie's).

E!'s Marc Malkin is hearing that John Mayer dumped her ass sometime this week, because they're contract was up or something like that. John's final mission as Jenny's whore was to hold her hand at the Oscars so her imaginary boyfriend could have the night off.

But one friend of Jenny's rolled their eyes at this rumor since these two twats are known for their on-and-off fakery.

I would ask John Mayer about this on Twitter, since he has practically moved in there full-time, but he would just make some crack about Carl Mayer and I don't want to see it.

And by the end of the day, they'll be back together, married and she'll be knocked up with ten litters or something.

Having the hair of an Afghan Hound isn't cheap. The Daily Mail says that during a recent press tour for that dead dog movie in Europe, Jennifer Aniston (or Fox) paid a total of £40,000 to keep her mop looking like this.

Jenny insisted that her hair bitch, Chris McMillan, come with her to England, so he was flown first-class from Los Angeles. Chris was put up in the finest hotels for the entire week and charged nearly £1,500 a day just to tossle her hair a bit. It's not known whether Fox or Jenny paid the £40,000 total.

Please, Jenny didn't take one penny out of her pocket to pay for that mess. Fox paid for that shit, but Jenny is a dumb whore. She should have told Fox just to give her the cash and then used it to buy one of OctoMommy's babehs! Since St. Angie is reportedly "creeped out" by OctoCrazy, that would have made her bite her roidy lips off in anger.

Seriously, if it takes that much coin to make her hair look like that, bitch is being overcharged. And IN THIS ECONOMY!

She can do that mess herself in one hot second. All she has to do is wake up, have her usual morning cry, wipe her lonely tears off with her hair and VOILA! There you fucking go.

It's on a fucking cover! Oh, by "it" I mean "over the moon" and not Jennifer Aniston. But the "IT" nickname still belongs to Vadge. Forever and always.

Anyimabouttokickacow, can you believe this shit? This week, I'm going to have to steer clear from drug and grocery stores, because if I see this hateful shit in person, I may call 911 three times. Using "over the moon" is an emergency! The crazy McNugget bitch put ideas in my head.

And if Jenny and John spawned, the moon would fucking explode. Wait. That would end this "over the moon" madness!

VIA Cover Awards

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson were on Germany's Wetten Dass... to promote that movie about a dead dog when they had to eat a doggy biscuit after losing a bet. The words "TOO FUCKING EASY" just flashed in front of me.

People says that the bet was that a woman claimed she could correctly identity her team of Husky dogs just from listening to them drink soup. Owen didn't think the bitch could do it while Jenny did. The woman won and Owen had to eat his words in the form of a dog cookie. Even though Jenny guessed right, she still had to join Owen. It was nothing for her. She's put worse things in her mouth. I mean, John Mayer anyone?

Jenny handled it like a champ and didn't break down once! I would expect her to chew on the biscuit and then cry, "Dog biscuits remind me of puppies, which reminds me of cuddles, which reminds me of true love, which reminds me of Brad Pitt, which reminds me of eternal loneliness!!!!"

The host should have given Jenny a little pat on the head for a job well done. A pat with a handful of Frizz-Ease.