Because Megan Fox was already busy teaching a master class in acting at Juilliard, James Lipton invited Jennifer Aniston into the Actors Studio today. Of course, Jennifer Aniston dragged her snatched piece Justin Theroux along. Because even if your boyfriend is a swastika tattoo away from looking like Charles Manson, you still show that bitch off. Boyfriends are just like 9'inch dicks. If you've got one, flaunt it!
You might be wondering why Jennifer Aniston was asked to be on Inside The Actors Studio since she has the range of a rubber gerbil, but the show is more than just talking about acting skills. The show is also about getting into the mind of a true artist. James Lipton masterfully molests the brain of an actor with his creepy eyes and even creepier mouth. We learn so much! For example, take this EXCLUSIVE first look at Jennifer Aniston's answers for the famous Inside The Actors Studio Questionnaire:
JL: What turns you on?
JA: When my publicist texts me a link to a magazine's website that shows a picture of me kissing a famous man who can be best described as a solid B+ or above and has at least 20 IMDB credits to his name.
JL: What turns you off?
JA: An empty Smart Water bottle (SOLD in the bottled water section of your local grocer!)
JL: What is your favorite word?
JL: What is your least favorite word?
JA: I'll give you a hint. Starts with "Angelina" ends with stealing your fucking husband!
JL: What sound or noise do you love?
JL: What sound or noise do you hate?
JA: The sound of the spoon scraping the last drop of cake batter from the bowl after I've just had "the talk."
JL: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
JA: The person who gets to turn down celebrity adoptions from third world countries.
JL: What profession other than yours would you not want to attempt?
JA: Grave digger at a stuffed animal cemetery.
JL: What is your favorite swear word?
JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you as you enter the Pearly Gates?
JA: "Brad says you did it better, bitch."
There are still a lot of days left in the week, but that isn't going to stop me from declaring it THE BEST WEEK IN JENNIFER ANISTON'S ENTIRE LIFE. Here's the 3 reasons why:
1. Jennifer Aniston scrubbed out the dead skin and blackheads on her nose by exfoliating it on her snatched piece's black steel wool beard while they ate food in SoHo with Terry Richardson. Free facial! Speaking of facials....
2. Terry Richardson took Jennifer Aniston's picture and she didn't have to smear (NSFW) his cum on her chest for him to do so. Any week you don't have Terry Richardson's cum on your chest is a good one!
3. Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of UsWeekly and the words "lonely" and "man-less" are nowhere on it. But the amazing headline "How Jen Stole Her Man: Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to land her new love?" is!
The story in UsWeekly goes that Jennifer Manastealin knew that Justin Theroux was still with her girlfriend Heidi Bivens, but she didn't care and went after him the same way she goes after a coveted limited-edition Precious Moments figurine on eBay. The source explains, "Jen wanted Justin and it didn't matter that he was already with someone. Heidi Bivens didn't know Aniston was the catalyst until now." And one of Heidi's friends said, "It sucks when your ex dates the most famous woman in the world so soon after a breakup."
The most famous woman in the world?!!!! If I checked UsWeekly's Rolodex for the number to "Heidi's friend" and dialed it, Jennifer Aniston's publicist would pick up on the first ring, right?
This is all just ridiculous, though. Jennifer "stole" Justin the same way Angie "stole" Brad. The truth is, Justin and Brad both cheated, because they are weak dicks who were born with an extra asshole chip instead of a sensitivity chip. But those details don't really matter. What really matters is that Jennifer Aniston can tell her knitting circle that she can't bring the raw cookie dough bars to next week's meeting, because that night she'll receive the highest honor at the Homewreckers Ball!
As Heidi Bivens visits a shaman/matchmaker to try to shake off the FOREVER ALONE curse that was passed on to her by Jennifer Aniston after Justin Theroux dropped her, her ex-boyfriend and Maddox's nemesis have moved in together. UsWeekly reports that Jennifer Manastealin has cleared out some space in her Cabbage Patch Doll's closet to make room for Justin Theroux's shit.
A source says that even though they've been dating for a few weeks, she's already calling him her boyfriend and they're living together at her house in L.A. AND Life & Style is reporting that Jen and Justin are playing a fast forward game of Life by adopting a puppy friend together.
Norman, Jen's BFF and the best lonely tear licker a spinster could ask for, went to doggy dog heaven earlier this year and now she's ready to add a new member to her canine family. The source says that Justin is into it, because he's all set to settle down and start a family.
Who cares if Justin was sharing a tube of toothpaste with his longtime girlfriend only a couple of months ago! Who cares if Justin will probably do to Aniston what Brenda did to him on Six Feet Under! This is Jennifer's time! After years of whispering sweet nothings into her body pillow, she has finally found something that will whisper back to her instead of spitting out hypoallergenic stuffing.
Jennifer Aniston has long been the go-to lonely miserable-ling and "Well, at least I'm not her" poster child for a bitches who can't get a man, but it's a new day! Jennifer Aniston is accused of being a homewrecking slut whore who used her jaws of life vagina to snatch a man right out from under another woman's body!
If you need Maddox, you can find him in the fetal position, fearing an uncertain future and contemplating the meaning of everything. If his arch rival Jennifer Aniston can successfully pull claimed dick to her side, does this mean that black is no longer Maddox's signature color or that he really thinks knives aren't not toys? June 14, 2011 is the day that Maddox either begins a pilgrimage to find the truth, or it's the day that his thoughts of confusion turn into bubbling rage and he uses that to lead his child army in a battle to take over the world and control destiny! Maddox Khan! But I digress...
There's been talk that Jennifer's new piece Justin Theroux barely broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens. Well, Heidi's rep says that "barely" should be bolded, capitalized, italicized and vacuum packed in uncoolness, because Heidi moved out of their apartment only 2 weeks ago. Jennifer and Justin met on the set of Wanderlust back in October, but they turned their relationship from co-workers into co-fuckers last month. A source says that Justin told Heidi he was just friends with Jennifer, but then finally came clean. Heidi's rep said this to Page Six:
"Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment."
A friend of Justin's said that the love between he and Heidi was over long before Jennifer came along. The friend also says that shit is moving fast with Jen and they are practically living together full-time.
Since Jennifer learned from the best, this kind of ho shit behavior from her shouldn't surprise me, but it does! Go, Jen! Get your evil whore on! And we all know what happens next. Jen and Justin will "play house" in a spread for W Magazine, Heidi will call it uncool and then they'll adopt an orphan from Cambodia and call him UMaddox. And please tell me UMaddox turns out to be Maddox's long-lost brother. I can already hear the galloping from Maddox Khan's child army in the distance....
If that isn't a "This Barney Rubble looking motherfucker better not be telling my new piece about the time he walked on in me breastfeeding Beanie Babies", then I don't know what is.
At an MTV Movie Awards after-party at SoHo House last night, Jennifer Aniston found herself in the middle of her current fuck piece (Justin Theroux) and her former fuck piece (Jason Sudeikis). Jennifer usually reserves her side swept shank eyes for when she gets a response to her eHarmony profile from a man who loves long photo-op walks on the beach and knitting dog boleros (the work of Maddox, obviously), so this is totally some rare shit. But sadly, I don't think Jason Sudeikis realized he was on the receiving end of an Aniston side-eye. Jason was too busy wondering why Charles Manson is out of prison and if Anastasia does his eyebrows.
Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.
Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!
In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.
According to Star Magazine and InTouch Weekly, Angelina Jolie is shooting heroin into her giraffe leg arms while Brad Pitt is shooting the shit with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer is stealing another bitch's man while Brad is stealing Angie's stash and replaces it with protein bars. Throw in a third world orphan, your newly activated Friendster account, me in size 29 jeans and it would be 2006 all over again.
via Cover Awards
Showbiz Spy says that Justin Theroux's head shot is now glued onto the cardboard cutout groom Jennifer Aniston keeps in the garage she converted into a play wedding chapel. Justin, formerly known as the hot Irish piece from Charlie's Angels, is comforting Jennifer Aniston while she mourns the loss of her longtime and beloved best friend forever Norman. I'm sure this is therapeutic for Jennifer. Picking the lice and cutting the dingles out of Justin's beard probably reminds Jennifer of all the times she bonded with Norman while she groomed his butt.
A source says that Jennifer and Justin had dinner at the Sunset Towers Tower Bar the other night and it wasn't their first date. The source also said this shit: "Jen and Justin have recently started dating. They’ve known each other for a while, but they’re more than friends now. They’re cautious — they’re both taking it slowly.”
Underneath that pile of dead guinea pigs on Justin Theroux's face lies a piece who might be the hottest ho Jennifer Aniston has "allegedly" dated in a long time. But this is coming from a bitch who has always had a thing for dudes that look like a 40-something failed bass player who got fired from his bike messenger job and now spends his time texting me pictures of the art he's made using old scabs and ramen noodles (this is a true story).
Justin even looks like the type who won't get freaked out when Jennifer introduces him to her live-in Adult Baby!!!
UPDATE: Jennifer's rep says this shit is a lie. Oh, well. More beard for me!
Now is not the time for jokes (that was directed to Maddox and only Maddox)! People brings us the sad news that another layer of sad has been put on sad Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer's beloved dog friend Norman has gone off to heaven at the age of 15. Norman is now with the angels who won't ever make him dress up like a groom and sit still during play weddings. The sad news from People:
"He died a few weeks ago," Aniston's rep confirms to PEOPLE. "He was an old dog and it was just his time."
Norman is survived by Aniston's other pup, a white German shepherd named Dolly.
And Norman just bought a $5 million NYC penthouse too! I really hope he left it to Jennifer (or Dolly) and not to one of his side pieces. Rest in peace, Norman.
Here's the trailer for Horrible Bosses, which is sort of like if 9 to 5 ate too much online Viagra and didn't mind at all that a Bachman-Turner Overdrive 8-track got stuck in its orange Camaro. It stars Jason Bateman, Kevin Spacey, a fugged up Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston as a horny dentist who eats raw hot dogs in black lingerie. FINALLY! It's nice to see Jennifer Aniston play a character I can relate to (because I eat raw hot dogs in black panties all the time). But I'm sure her character will still end up falling in love with one of those dudes at the end and they'll kiss in front of a sunset as an old Dionne Warwick song plays. It's The Aniston way!
And I'm guessing this movie takes place in a world where the words "I QUIT THIS BITCH" don't exist.