Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston better be hiding in her anti-Brangaloonie safe house this morning if she knows what's good for her.

According to the Daily Mail and some source, in the December issue of U.S. Vogue, Jenny actually said these suicidal words: "What Angelina did was very uncool." The line apparently is on the cover of the magazine next to a picture of Jenny. Brangaloonies everywhere are going to attack newsstands and write the words "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE" on every Vogue cover.

Maybe Mister Miyagi has been training Jenny from heaven, because the ho is getting brave. The source claims Jenny is completely honest and talks about a bunch of personal shit including Brad Pitt leaving her for Saint Angie's hypnotic vagina. The source said, "This interview shows that Jennifer is no longer afraid of Angelina. It's hugely significant. She's never been this honest or brave in an interview before."

Brave is right. She just signed her death certificate with that shit. You know Maddox has something to do with this. He put his Aniston impersonation to work, called Vogue and said, "I just have one more thing to say: What Angelina did was very uncool." Maddox made Zahara, Shiloh and Pax meow like cats in the background to make the call sound more authentic.

It's the Boyfriend Arm Pillow! Now, every time the Jennifer Aniston in your life calls you, wanting to whine for hours about how they are so fucking loney and their cats are even giving them the side-eye, you can simply say, "Aniston in my life, go canoodle with the Boyfriend Arm Pillow I got you for Christmas." This shit will save you and your ear drums hours of having to listen to the Aniston in your life's bitches and moans.

Never curl up on the couch alone again, with this comforting arm that wraps around you as if to say, "I'm sorry work was rotten today," or "No, you pick what we watch tonight," all the stuff you'd never hear from a real boyfriend. Polyester filled with comfortable, snuggly foam.

It's only $19.95! And she won't have to worry about it only using her for sex, because he it doesn't have a dick! Wait.....or does it? Somebody call Maury, because I think we just found Nicole Kidman's real pillow baby daddy.

Thanks Faye

Maddox's nemesis Jennifer Aniston rubbed an ice cube on her nippies, put on her "I'm not knocked up" tank top and headed to extremely private restaurant known as The Ivy for lunch yesterday. Jenny better have brought a gift to the queen of The Ivy, international supermodel Phoebe Price, because that's her kingdom.

Surprisingly, the pappies went crazy over Jen and her "look at me nippies," as soon as she got out of the car. A few minutes later, Jen went out the back door because she couldn't take all the attention. Translation: her work there was done.

Jenny, next time just do the moonwalk down Robertson Blvd. naked, with your nipples on fire, a tranny poodle on your head, while screaming, "Míreme!" It'll be less obvious and much more entertaining!

OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there's an itty bitty problem. She's not exactly pregnant just yet.... Who cares about that! It's just petty details.

Star Magazine claims Jenny is "trying" to have a baby with John Mayer before her 40th birthday. Jen is trying all kinds of shit in order to get a baby in her busted ass oven. A source said, "She knows her baby-making years are limited. It's hard for her to think of anything else — she has babies on the brain!" I think the source was being literal. Jen is putting friend's babies on her head, hoping it will get her body in the baby mood and speed up the process.

One friend said that Jen and John are doing specific yoga poses that are supposed to help her get pregnant. Unless, they're doing the poses naked and on top of each other, I don't see how that shit can help.

The friend went on to blab, "Jen has also changed her diet. She's taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She's even eating cassava root, a wild yam, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins. "

JEN! Come on now. If you want to beat Saint Angie Jo, you're going to have to get knocked up with triplets at least! You know what you need to do? Go down and visit Michelle Duggar. Give her a gift certificate to WholesomeWear in exchange for a little vagina bumping time with her. Seriously. All you have to do is rub your snatch with hers and you'll instantly be pregnant with triplets or even quadruplets! Both you and John are "Js" and we know how Michelle feels about "Js." It's meant to be.

Finally! Here's a cover that Jennifer Aniston can use to wallpaper her bathroom with. I think she's going to make sweet love to this cover and try to have its babies.

In the new issue of Star Magazine, they claim Jenny Aniston has finally scored a point! Saint Angelina is reportedly on fire about Brad Pitt's relationship with his co-star.

Mr. Saint Angelina is currently in Berlin shooting Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" and is getting close to one of the chicks in the movie, Diane Kruger. The two also worked together on that shit show called "Troy." A source (Anison) said that Diane has always had a crush on Brad and the feeling is mutual.

The source said, "Angie loves Brad and wants to trust him, but she also knows that their own love blossomed while working on a movie together. Now she's convinced that Diane has a crush on Brad, and she's scared something could happen."

Recently, Brad and Diane spent some time together at a cast dinner in Berlin. "She kept putting her arm around Brad's neck to whisper something in his ear because it was so loud. He was clearly charmed by her, and Diane definitely looks smitten. She's thrilled to be around him again."

Jenny apparently is crossing her toes, vag lips and eyes, hoping this shit is true. One of Jenny's friends said, "Jen didn't trust Diane when she worked with Brad, and now she's happy that Angelina knows how it feels. For her it would be the sweetest karma!"

Jenny shouldn't send a "TAKE DAT" text message to Maddox just yet. This is Saint Angelina we're talking about. All she has to do is look up at the sky, wink and say "Diane Kruger. Chronic diarrhea. Make it happen." Angie would seal the deal with an air kiss and that would be that. Problem solved.

Jennifer Aniston and ultra manwhore Gerard Butler had dinner together in Los Angeles last week. Jen must have given her #1 stalking victim, John Mayer, the night off. A source told Page Six that Jen and Gerry weren't alone, "They were very affectionate to each other. There was another man at the table, but he looked like he was a chaperone - or just there to stop tongues wagging. They basically ignored him."

According to Star, the other dude at the table was director Andy Tennant and the three were just having a business meeting.

Please, tell that to Gerard's peen. It's never business with that thing. Gerry just asked Andy to come along just in case Jenny's vagina got loose and attacked his spermies sack!

John Mayer probably got his period and stormed out on Jenny. Instead of staying home and playing "fake wedding" with her cat friends, Jenny pulled out the yellow pages and looked up "manslut for the night." And there was Gerry's picture smiling back at her. Seriously. This is what Gerry does. He cures sad vaginas.

I wouldn't mind these two together solely for the fact that they would have an amazing couple name: AnisBut!

Maddox's arch rival left her mommy's house in West Hollywood yesterday with a slight bulge in the baby waiting room area. Ew. And you know John Mayer plays on repeat in her waiting room. Hopefully, the joint is stocked with plenty of Highlights magazines.

On Monday, a rumor went around the interwebs that Jenny is knocked up with John Mayer's spa wn. This little bump just adds more caca to the diarrhea pile.

Again, if Jenny was with child, she would already be on the cover of People Magazine with the headlines, "Yes, I'm Gay." The headline is supposed to read, "Yes, I'm Pregnant," but Maddox got to the printers just in time to fuck her over.

Personally, I think it's either "Maddoxmakesmesomad" bloat or she is playing up the rumors by wearing Nicole Kidman's stage 4 pillow baby bump.

Hah. Australia's NW Weekly reports that Jennifer Aniston's prayers have been answered and she's pregnant with a baby. A real-life baby! You go, Jen! And to think of all the people who laughed at you for freezing John Mayer's used condoms. It finally worked!

Friends tell the magazine that John Mayer and Jen are back together for the sake of their unborn baby! The friends also say she's pregnant and loving it. Maddox must be behind this prank.

If Jenny was knocked up, you know that bitch would have crashed the "Changeling" premiere with her ultrasounds and positive pregnancy test in hand! She would've run down the red carpet screaming, "TAKE THAT, MADDOX! SCORE ONE FOR THE CHIN!"

If it is true, that baby is going to pop out of Jenny and immediately file a request to be adopted by the Brangelina holy family.

VIA Just Jared

That police officer needs to move that fucking light. Rude! I can't really tell if he's a hot piece or not. He should turn that flashlight around and point it at his mug, so we can get a good look. He might have a bad case of birds lip but.... Oh! Who Cares!? Sometimes I really need to control myself. Whenever I look at these pap pictures, I immediately scan to see who might be hot. I'm hard up!

Anyalwayshorny, Jenny Aniston shuffled into John Mayer's house last night to celebrate his 31st birthday. She brought along her baby making kit and her wedding inspiration album "just in case." Instead of making John blow out the candles on his birfday cake, she made his peen blow a load into a test tube. I don't think John even noticed.

Earlier in the night, John left a recording studio blocking his face with some sort of electronic equipment. These celebwhores always suck at hiding their faces from the cameras. That's probably because they don't want to. They just want to make it look like they're camera shy. If they really wanted to hide their smug mugs, they would use something better. I don't know....like a plastic bag? Breath in...

When Jenny Aniston and John Mayer were eating each other's pussies, the paparazzi and media were always on him. But when they split up, they no longer gave a rhino's dick about him. So John was feeling a little lonely and decided to remind everyone who he is by calling up Jenny. When Jenny saw his name come up on her caller ID as "Baby Daddy Option #23," she immediately answered with "YES!" It doesn't matter what John was going to ask, because she was going to say "yes" no matter what.

Well, that "yes" might have led to them hanging out in NYC. The National Enquirer reports that the two had "secret dates" in NYC before getting on a plane together yesterday. A source said they were all kissing and shit on the plane. Thankfully, there were plenty of barf bags on the plane.

The source said, “They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss.”

Long and lingering? Okay, Jen wrote this shit herself. You know she writes romance novels with her as the star. I'm surprised the source didn't say, "John got on knee, kissed her gorgeous feet, told her she was the most beautiful women in the world. Even more beautiful than that skank's name who rhymes with Crangie Ho. And then he proposed and Jen said she'd think about it because she's an 'independent woman' now. You hear that, Maddox? She doesn't need a man!"

This works out for Jen and John. He stays relevant for another week. And she doesn't look like a total cat lady with dry vagina while the Brangelina holy family flaunts their perfectness in the pages of W Magazine. Okay, she still does, but at least she's trying! Maddox probably texted her, "NC TRY BTCH!!1!!"