Jennifer Aniston

Pizza Face Diaz is currently boinking Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor, so it makes sense for Jenny to pick up Cammy's leftovers. Hollyweird is just one big key party. According to the Mirror, Maddox's arch rival has been seen with Gerard Butler.

Lainey also claims that Jenny and Gerard were "canoodling" at the Hyatt in Toronto on Sunday night. Gerry apparently had his hand on her thigh and also rubbed her shoulders and back. Methinks Gerry was trying to calm Jen down, because as soon as he started talking to her, she said, "ohmygodiloveyou...ithinkiloveyou....letsgetmarried...wait..impregnantwehavetoget married ...ohno...yourgoingtoleaveme...iknowitiknowit...youregoingtoleaveme ..... NOOO!!!"

Gerry didn't have a Valium on him, so he just rubbed her back. A back rub from Gerry is better than Valium. However, Gerry's niceness is going to backfire! He doesn't know what he's dealing with. Someone send him the paperwork to file a restraining order just in case. It's good to plan ahead.

Seriously, I hope Jenny is just using him for a little quick dick. Hopefully, that's what her plan is. Gerry is a total heartbreaker. You can tell. Jen just needs to get in, get on, get off and then get out! But something tells me she's already added him to her "future husband inspiration board."

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Pitt were in Toronto at around the same time this past weekend. Can't you tell? It's obvious Jenny is scanning the land for any sight of Brad in one of his silly hats. She can probably smell his aroma nearby so her stalker eyes have gone into overdrive. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like they ever met up.

The Sun claims they had cocktails together. UsWeekly claims they didn't. I don't think they did. We would definitely know it. If it happened, Jenny would leap through the streets of Toronto in her lucky granny panties, singing about how she's got her man back. Then lightning would strike her because....well....Saint Angelina knows Zeus personally. I think he owes her a few favors.

Despite, not running into Brad, things are "great" for Jenny. She told People, "Things couldn't be better." I'm sure she said that while grinding her teeth and digging her nails into her thighs.

Here's our favorite cat lady at the TIFF premiere of her movie "Management" last night. I also threw in some pictures of Billy Goat Pitt at the TIFF premiere of "Burn After Reading" on Friday night.

Something tells me that the curly-haired dude woke up to find hundreds of voicemails from a crying, crazy lady screaming, "CALL MEEEE! I LOVEEEE YOU! PLEASE!!!," while dozens of cats meowed in the background. Curly haired dude was perplexed because the only thing he ever said to Aniston was "Hi." And that's all it takes.

Jenny Ann just shot a guest spot for "30 Rock" in NYC. According to NBC, she will play a "free-spirited, Fatal Attraction-like stalker." Jenny's character, Claire Harper, is Tina Fey's old roommate and starts stalking Alec Baldwin. Playing a stalker? It makes sense. She's done all the research already. I mean, she already knows the lyrics to The Police's "Every Breath You Take." She can sing it in ten different languages and can even play it on the kazoo.

Here's Jenny, Tina and Jane Krakowski getting wet on the set the other night. This scene is totally going to be a "Friends" parody, right?

It looks like Jennifer Aniston's Second Life boyfriend finally popped the question! He asked her while they were both flying across a volcano. He told her to go pick out the prettiest Cracker Jack box ring she could find. He's the one. I know it!

Jenny Aniston wore a ring on her left knitting claw yesterday which means she's engaged and knocked up. Right? Or maybe she forgot to take off the ring after her daily afternoon fake wedding to one of her cats. "This is the way she wash our paw....wash our paw..."

Here's newly engaged Jenny going to lunch with Woody Allen at Madeo. Woody Allen?! Jen! I know your options are dwindling, but Woody fucking Allen?!

Over the weekend, John Mayer opened up his tampon lips and started blabbing about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston to the paparazzi. He said that he's the one that ended it and that nobody cheated, lied or blah...blah..blah...insert douche lingo here....blah...blah....

According to one of Jennifer Aniston's "friends," she's not going to talk about the relationship or how it ended. The friend told MSNB's The Scoop, “Jen will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. (Mayer's) childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jen to behave like a lady.” I fucking love that. Jen's not going to talk about it, but if you really must know....

The friend said Jen broke up with him for a couple of reasons:

1: He's an attention whore - “He has a relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that.”

2: He's cheap as fuck - “Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer's) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. ... Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

A movie star?! What movie star are we talking about exactly? I'm impressed that cobwebs come flying out of his wallet! He should do that trick at his concerts. It would be a lot more entertaining than his music.

And you know that when Jen found out John was talking about her ass, she immediately told her friend, "Oh my god! What did he say? Did he say he loved me? No don't tell me. Did he say I was pretty? No I don't want to know. Should I call him? Should I go over there. Ugh. Forget it. Hand me the Breyer's and just stroke my head." She totally said that all in one breath.

As John Mayer left the gym in NYC yesterday, he talked to his best friends, the paparazzi, about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston. He said, "There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met."

He went on to say, "But she tied me to the bed with mink handcuffs, put on sexy lingerie and kept calling me her 'mormon husband.'" Okay, he didn't say that last part, but Jennifer Aniston is totally the next Bernann McKinney. She's going to try and clone Brad Pitt using the hair she cut from his head every night as he slept. Believe it.

When asked what went wrong with their fairytale romance, he answered, "Well, I figured out I was dating Jennifer Aniston." No, he said, "People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right." Translation: "She poked holes in the condoms to try and get pregnant and I'm a man whore who can't control his 'Dominican penis.'"

Here's Mayer with his brother in NYC last night. I know he's related to John Mayer, because I can see the douche in his eyes. That shit is genetic.

After Jennifer Aniston split up with John Mayer, it was rumored that she quickly picked up a new guy named Matt Felker. He's a model-type who used to date Selma Blair. Matt's spokesbitch told Access Hollywood that the rumor is "totally not true." Like....totally! His rep said that Matt met Jenny over a week ago, but nothing happened. She just threw herself at him and begged him to give her a baby. "Give me a baaaaaaby," she screamed.

Seriously, I was hoping Jenny was getting some good rebound dick. Oh well! There's always eharmony.com....and match.com....and jdate.com....and craigslist.org....and ineedamanrightnoworelseimgoingtoloseit.com.

And it's funny that bitches think Matt looks like Brad Pitt. I mean, he sort of looks like the female-to-male tranny version of Brad Pitt.

Jennifer Aniston's fartytale romance with John Mayer has come to end, but she's already back at it. According to The Sun, Jenny has been seen with 28-year-old model Matt Felker. Matt used to bump it with Selma Blair. He was also in Brit Brit's video for "Toxic."

Never date dudes who are prettier than you. They usually smell better than you too. I dated a dude once who was so pretty that he always smelled like fresh gardenias. I couldn't explain it. Even after he showered. That's probably what Zac Efron smells like. No, he smells like CoverGirl foundation, baby powder and John Travolta drool. Matt Felker smells like Cheetos, summer rain and cocoa butter.

Hopefully, Jenny is just using this dude to fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away until you get pains in your chocha. That didn't make sense, but I'm not feeling well, so bare with me.

In other old maid news, The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Jenny is the one who called off her relationshp with John Mayer! It wasn't the other way around. Jenny got sick of John cheating on her ass and she allowed him three fuck-ups.

Apparently, John effed a cocktail waitress and a promoter's assistant for his tour. His third strike came when he did grossy grossy times with a groupie. A source added, "Jen who decided to move on. She is very fond of John and has thought he might be the one. She finds him funny, sexy and very talented. ... Plus he understands all the aspects of living in a fishbowl. But in the final analysis, she just got tired of his roving eye."

Since when is Jenny writing for The Chicago Sun-Times?

Well, they were right. That's if you believe the Daily Mirror. Some ho told them that John Mayer has du-du-dumped Jennifer Aniston because he's not ready to give up his man whore ways. The two apparently tried to make it work by going on a little relationship hiatus. That didn't work, so they called it a day.

The source said, "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. Initially Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she's simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken." Not to mention that he should probably keep his car in the garage for a while. And all his pet bunny rabbits indoors. You know, just in case.

Oh well, it's back to the old maid drawing board for Jenny! The NYDN reports that she's not spending her days cutting out John's face from pictures while screaming the lyrics to "Your Body is a Wonderland." She's apparently already dating someone else. You know, Jenny needs to take a breather and get to know herself. Don't go the Kate Hudson route of flapping her vagina all over town.

Jenny has been to Mayer and Vince Vaughn and anywhere she could run......she's beeeeeen to PITTadise, but she's never been to her. Oh God. I'm sorry for that. That song has been stuck in my head for the past 5 days ever since I watched Priscilla again on TV. I just had to let it out!

People Magazine may have 25 million pages of the diamond couple and their solid golden twins, but OK! Magazine has the ultra exclusive details of Jennifer Aniston's dream wedding. And by "dream wedding" I mean it's all just in her dreams. Seriously, the magazine claims Jenny is already planning her wedding to the mega douche named John Mayer.

A source said, "She's at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart. No way would she still be with anyone if marriage wasn't a real option. She doesn't want anything elaborate or showy." If she was thinking with her head, she would drug him, drive him to Vegas and elope!

Anyway, I'm sure Jennifer has been planning her second wedding for ages. She even cleared out half of her anti-Brangelina shrine room to devote to her wedding planning. While you spend your weekend doing hood rat stuff, she sits in her room scouring through bridal magazines and watching hours and hours of "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" I'll admit it, I watch way too much of that show.

When things got really serious with John. Instead of introducing him to her close friends and family, she showed him her wedding planning room.

And what's with the "Finally over Brad"? They really know how to dick slap a bitch without actually dick slapping them, which is really sad. If I'm going to get dick slapped, a dick better be involved.