Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman star together in Just Go With It (aka Not Another One Of Those Fucking Aniston Rom-Coms) and to promote that mess, the former interviewed the latter for Harper's Bazaar. Jennifer starts the article with a little introduction:
I remember the first time I met Nicole Kidman. We were at a Golden Globes party in 2005 and—typical Hollywood story—we share an agent. I remember meeting this tall, beautiful woman who was there with her mom and dad. I was completely starstruck, while she was nothing but gracious. Nicole had just seen one of my rom-coms, as they call them, and was instantly kind and complimentary. I loved her immediately.
Close your mouth, Jen! I know Nicole Kidman has the complexion of your favorite Marie Osmond doll that gets prime real estate in your nursery, but break your boner and pull back! And then Jennifer started to ask Nicole questions. Instead of asking Nicole important questions like if she's ever been styled by Suri or if she kept one of Tommy Girl's prostate simulators as a souvenir, Jennifer asked the usual:
JA: I feel awkward getting into interviewer mode, but tell me about your life in Nashville with Keith [Urban] and Sunday Rose. How long have you now lived there?
NK: Five years.
JA: I was just down South in Georgia, and it was heaven to be away from all the irritation of the cameras and all that hubbub. Was moving to Nashville something that both you and Keith wanted to do?
NK: It was perfect timing, because I had nowhere to live. I was living out of suitcases when I met Keith. I suppose in the back of my mind I was waiting to meet somebody. And I wanted it to be that if that person didn't live in New York or Los Angeles, I would be able to move. In the back of my head, I was thinking I may have to put my roots down somewhere. I was going to move to Oregon.
JA: Oregon? It's gorgeous. I understand that absolutely.
NK: Yeah. I love living a ways away. That's what I've worked for in my career, to not have to live in Los Angeles. So it was fortuitous that Keith happened to live in Tennessee. He brought me down to this place called Leipers Fork, just outside of Nashville, very lush and rural. I just went aaah. You know how you dream as a girl; I'm one of those people. I would meet a guy, then I would imagine myself married and with kids within the first hour. [Laughs] But it worked out.
JA: When you two first met, Keith said he saw you walk into the room and you just floated. Yes, I watched him on Oprah! Did you feel it as instantly as Keith felt it?
NK: I remember thinking, Oh, my God, if you ever gave me a man like that, I promise I would be completely devoted for the rest of my life. Something that wild. I remembered praying after I met him that I'd meet somebody, if not him, like him.
And after Jennifer asked Nicole which specific prayer and/or code words were used since she always gets a busy signal when she's asking God to bring her a man, she continued with the question asking:
JA: On that note, I can't wait to see you, whenever that is. Good luck and congratulations on Rabbit Hole.
NK: Thank you, my darling.
JA:You said when you won the Oscar for The Hours in 2003, it was such a lonely time for you.
NK: Yeah. It's strange how life gives you the best and the worst. I was probably at my least happy when I won it. And I was single. It was a strange time....
JA: Do Isabella and Connor come down to Nashville a lot?
NK: No, they don't. They're not crazy about Nashville. They're so grown up now. I mean, they're adults.
JA: You are in such an amazing place now. What do you think you would tell your 20-year-old self?
NK: That you're going to meet the love of your life. My whole thing, my whole thrust in life, was hoping I would.
Okay, Jennifer was doing her best Lois Lane until she got to the very last question. Why is it in almost every damn interview, Barbara Oprah Couric Sawyer Lauer has to ask the "What would you tell your 20-year-old self?" question. That question is the damn worst. I'd tell my 20-year-old self that if in the future somebody asks you THAT QUESTION, tell them to fuck off.
That wheezy old queen Rupert Everett has stumbled onto the stage with a sloshy martini in one hand and an ashy cigarette in the other to serve us another spoon full of his piping hot cunt nectar. Rupert's face looks like a grandpa's wrinkly testicle and he's just as itchy on the inside. Thank the fuck for that, because I do love a good bitchy quote from Rupert. And this time Rupert is going on about how Hollywood is still homophobic and how it's a shame that Jennifer Aniston is the epitome of a flop queen and yet she's still embraced by the powers that be. Pull up a ripped velvet stool and breathe in the smoke that Rupert exhaled to BBC's Radio 4:
On how even though you can't spell "show business" without glitter and sequins, it's still a straight world: "I think show business is ideally suited for heterosexuals, it's a very heterosexual business, it's run mostly by heterosexual men, and there's a kind of pecking order. I think the position of women is a pretty difficult one in show business. If you look at the idea of a drunk women in show business on the skids at the age of 50, and a drunken man in show business on the skids, the drunken man gets an awful amount of support, and the women is a slut."
On how the system is biased: "The audience has a completely perception of the performers than the business... But the business is what makes the stars, really. There are lots of women and lots of men in the business that the powers that be decide are the right people and they'll stand with them for quite a long time."
On Jennifer Aniston: "Like Jennifer Aniston will just have one too many total flops. But she's still a member of that club. And she will still manage to -- like a star forming in the universe -- a whole lot of things swirling around and suddenly solidifying into yet another vital tasteless romcom: a little glitter next to the Crab Nebula."
There is a crusty layer of truth on top of the shit that comes out of Rupert's mouth, but maybe just maybe he can't get a job because not everyone is like us. Not everyone loves a bitter old bitch around them all the time. Sad, but true. I mean, take what Rupert said about sad ole' Jennifer Aniston. If Rupert simply played sweet by buttering Aniston up, she probably would've instantly fell in love with him and taken him in as her gay husband. Then while Aniston was out earning millions of dollars for starring in those horrific romcoms that always find their way to the bottom of my Netflix queue, Rupert could've leisurely lounged in the yard of her mansion while picking a wedgie out of the South American pool boy's ass. Rupert could've had it all!!!!!
Jennifer Aniston has an invisible border around her at all times and you better not even think of sticking your toe over it, or she'll lock hug you and refuse to let go until her bodyguards distract her with a limited-edition Cabbage Patch doll. This is basically what UsWeekly claims in their new issue. Their source (aka Zahara sitting on Maddox's shoulders at a phone booth near their chateau) says that on the set of Wanderlust in NYC, crew members knew that Jennifer Aniston was serious about her private space and they never got within 20 feet of her. Well, Jennifer is usually the one who gets restraining orders taken out against her, so I love how she's flipping this bitch.
The source explains, "It was an unspoken thing that you couldn't get within 20 feet of Jennifer. She surrounded herself with a ring of buffers at all times. She traveled with them from her trailer to the set and back."
Jennifer's spokeswhore says this story is a diaper full of lies, but let's just pretend it's true. Jennifer's bodyguards know how her well I'm sure. They know that if someone gets too close to Jennifer for a few seconds and then walks away, she'll drop to her knees, tear out pieces of hair and chew on the lapels of her jacket before shouting into the heavens, "WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME!!!! WHY! WHY! WHY!!!!" Her bodyguards will have to pull out that limited-edition Cabbage Patch doll again to bring Jennifer back into her happy safe place. So yeah, it's better that you just stay away.
This week's Star Magazine cover story is about how miserable sadling Forever Aloneiston still wails out Brad Pitt's name when she clutches her pillow tightly in her giant California King bed for one. Apparently, Jennifer is putting all the blame on her friend Chelsea Handler for the story. If Chelsea never called Angelina Jolie a "homewrecking cunt bitch" during her show this past weekend, Jennifer's desperate face wouldn't have been on the cover of Star Magazine. WOE IS JEN. Jen's going to need a back transplant soon, because there won't be anymore places for her friends to stab her!!!!!!!
One of Popeater's sources say that Jennifer hasn't felt this betrayed since the time John Mayer dumped her ass via an impromptu press conference. This source went on to say, "Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same. She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline. She hates drama or unnecessary attention and certainly doesn't want to ever see her face on a tabloid again with a headline about Angie or Brad."
But not all is dead between Jennifer and Chelsea. Jennifer isn't going to stop sharing a 2-gallon tub of cookie dough ice cream with Chelsea, but hopes that she'll keep the homewrecking Angie jokes out of her act (even though she's been doing BMH [Before Maddox Hawk]).
"Yeah, I'm not a fan. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid."
But Jennifer will quickly give the tub back, because Chelsea went on to say this about the loneliest chin in the world:
"Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."
Um. Chelsea, that e-mail Jennifer sent you with a picture of her dozens of cats dressed as the 12 Days of Christmas wasn't supposed to be funny.
In case you were still worrying about how perma-lonely and miserable Jennifer Aniston was spending her holiday weekend, here she is drying the tears of sadness on her cheeks under the Mexican sun. Don't worry, Chelsea Handler and Forever Aloneiston's other friends are filling the void in her heart with margaritas while she warms her sadgina by the pool. I think she'll make it.
Meanwhile, I just put on a second pair of socks because the lazy ass space heater under my table decided to call in dead today.
This year, Jennifer Aniston did not spend her Thanksgiving bawling out an ocean of lonely tears that could carry the Mayflower back to America. And she didn't gorge herself on three Hungry Man turkey meals and a pint of pumpkin pie ice cream while her Beanie Baby collection (dressed in pilgrim outfits made from yarn) watched. No, this year Jennifer Aniston joined Grey Goose's favorite beej giver Chelsea Handler down in Los Cabos, Mexico! No llorando for Aniston!
And Aniston got a littler closer to what the paps called a "mysterious and dark haired hunk". The only mystery surrounding this dude is if he uses pina colada or raspberry scented lube to give his boyfriend an early morning handjob. I mean, really...
Just because Jennifer is hugging on a dude, doesn't mean she's sticking her hard nips in his mouth hole later! Jennifer's Malan-alike friend is obviously just giving her a consoling "It's okay, I don't think Christopher Columbus had a man on Thanksgiving either" hug. He's not smiling because he can't wait to stick the tip in later, he's smiling because her hair smells like delicious Strawberry Suave shampoo. Most of my gay friends looooooved Strawberry Suave shampoo as a child and still do. I use it as bubble bath and sometimes when my tub of Wet goes empty, I dab a dollop on my... Okay, I'm stopping!
When a douchebag wet burps and passes the check to Jennifer Aniston after a romantic dinner, she swoons so hard that the dust from her womb queefs out of her vag. When a douchebag calls her a cab ten seconds after he busts a nut because he says he has somebody else coming over, Jennifer Aniston runs home and pastes a picture of his face over the mannequin groom she keeps in her "wedding room." Basically, Jennifer Aniston stops for assholes, which is why she wanted to go around with Josh Hopkins even though he treated her like a common fuck buddy.
Josh and Jennifer first started dating back in May after she met him through Courtney Cox. Josh is in that Cougar Town crap with Courtney. A source tells UsWeekly that Jennifer drew hearts around Josh's name on her Trapper Keeper, but the only thing he wanted from her was a fuck 'n run.
The source went on to say, "Josh is a player and is into meeting younger girls. He definitely lies to girls. Josh calls Jennifer his 'sport fuck'." Another source said that Jen has always gotten a boner for "really good-looking assholes." The official medical term for that is called "Dickmatization." You know, dick so good that it effects all your senses.
And on a single positive note, being called a sport fuck is better than being called a lonely and miserable spinster whose future looks like an episode of Animal Hoarders. Right? Right. Right?
Jennifer Aniston left the Cabbage Patch Dolls with the sitter last night to have cocktails and dinner at the Sunset Tower Hotel with 29-year-old Harry Morton.
A nosy witness type tells Radar that Jennifer sat close to him (THEY'RE FUCKING) during dinner and touched his arm several times (THEY'RE FUCKING) while looking at pictures on his phone (THEIR FUCKING PHOTOS). When Harry got up to use the bathroom (TO GET HIS DICK HARD FOR FUCKING), Jennifer reapplied her lipstick (TO GET HER LIPS READY FOR FUCKING). Harry paid the check and they left in separate cars (TO MEET AT THE LOCAL GAS STATION TO FUCK).
I'm all for Jennifer getting herself a young piece, but somebody should really remind her that Harry Morton (owner of Pink Taco and heir to the Hard Rock fortune) used to bone Lindsay Lohan! And it was only a hot second ago that Jennifer said this when Extra asked her who she doesn't envy:
"I don't envy Lindsay Lohan. Poor thing."
JENNIFER! If you don't envy LiLo, then you shouldn't get on the dude who used to snort lines off her labia and probably has gonorrhoea of the nostrils. Can you get gonorrhoea of the nostrils? Jennifer should check into that before she goes making out with Harry's nose. Although, she has been with John Mayer before...
Jizz is normally a major selling point when choosing which movie to see, but apparently not in this case. People would rather spend time with Bow Wow, oven roasted torsos and peen-eating piranhas than Jason Bateman's sneaky man chowder. According to Box Office Mojo, The Switch (aka Friends: The One Where Rachel Green Romances A Turkey Baster) opened at #8 this weekend with $8.1 million. Jennifer Aniston better bury her Blackberry deep inside her stuffed Garfield collection, because Maddox's HAHAHA text bomb campaign is going to begin any minute now.
This is the estimated top ten movies at the box office this weekend from Box Office Mojo.
1. The Expendables, $16.5 million ($5,046 per screen)
2. Vampires Suck, $12.2 million ($3,774 per screen)
3. Eat Pray Love, $12 million ($3,082 per screen)
4. Lottery Ticket, $11.1 million ($5,639 per screen)
5. The Other Guys, $10.1 million ($2,909 per screen)
6. Piranha 3D, 10 million ($4,063 per screen)
7. Nanny McPhee Returns, $8.3 million ($2,985 per screen)
8. The Switch, $8.1 million ($4,026 per screen)
9. Inception, $7.7 million ($3,188 per screen)
10. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, $5 million ($1,785 per screen)
As much as I would love to ask for one ticket to the movie that has the most sperm in it, my ass is going to go see the movie about the hongray piranha that chomps on dick for fun. No, not Salt! The other one!
Jennifer Aniston already made Bill O'Reilly clutch his Tampax Pearls when she said that women don't need dudes to start a family, and now she's offending a whole new group of the population. On Live with Regis & Kelly this morning, Jennifer Aniston was talking about dragging it up as Barbra Streisand for Harper's Bazaar and Regis said something about how she's always playing dress up. Then Jennifer quickly responded and said, "Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!" (It's at the 2:00 mark in the clip above) Well, you know where this is headed.
Shortly after, Hollywood Life told Jen to slap her own tongue because she should know better. The CEO of The Arc (a nonprofit advocate for those with intellectual and developmental disabilities) also told Jennifer that they will hold her purse while she punches herself in the mouth for using the word retard. He issued this statement to UsWeekly:
"Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better. She is using language that is offensive to a large segment of the population in this country. We estimate that there are probably in excess of 5 million people in the country with intellectual disabilities, and when you think about all of them, their family members and friends, you're talking about tens of millions of people who find the use of that term to be really offensive. Every time folks hear that word, it kind of reminds them of all the discrimination and oppression they've experienced in their lives. Even if it wasn't intended to insult them, that is the effect of it."
We shouldn't declare this a full blown ESCANDALO until Sarah Palin drops her half cent about this on Twitter, so stand by for that.....