Mario Lopez

Just hours after Eva Longoria filed Tony Parker's pink slip and her request for a monthly check, she spilled her heart out to her non-gay (?) confidante Mario Lopez who just so happens to work on Extra.

As Mario Lopez did bicep curls in a three-way mirror while an avocado mask moisturized his nipples, Eva sat on a bench press seat next to him and told him that UsWeekly's story about how she found hundreds of horny text messages from Tony to a female friend was true. The rumor going around is that the "female friend" in question is Erin Barry, the wife of one of Tony's teammate. But back to Eva and Mario....

A little while later as Mario rubbed an oatmeal scrub on his culito lips while doing squats (he's a multi-tasker in case you didn't know already), Eva told him that Tony cheated on her earlier this year and still talks to the ho on Facebook. Mario went to give Eva a hug but he caught a glimpse of his beautiful self in the mirror and got distracted.

Mario summed it all up with these words: "Eva wants everyone to know, she's devastated by the rumors of Tony's infidelity. She loved her husband and is heartbroken about their split. But she's strong." And Mario went on to say, "But she's not as strong as my taint muscles. Seriously, have you seen my taint muscles?!"

The minute baby Gia Francesa fell out of her mother's chocha into the doctor's hands, Mario Lopez leaped and pivoted to the nearest gym to makes his glutes glutier, his biceps bicepier and six-pack six-packier. A new baby means a spread in OK! Magazine, which means a camera lens will be involved, which means that it's the perfect time for Mario Lopez to flex the six-pack on his nipples (Seriously, if you bring a microscope up to that shit you will see a six-pack on his nipples. Bitch probably bench presses with his nips).

You can't tell because her eyes are shut, but adorable baby Jon Gosselina is totally rolling her newborn eyeballs at daddy. And she'll keep rolling for the rest of her days, because even fetuses wear shirts more often than her dad does.

Mario Lopez has slipped on his spandex leotard and is pirouetting all over Burbank while singing "See, I'm not gay!!!", because he is now a father! Mario tells his pimps at Extra that his girlfriend of the moment Courtney Mazza gave birth to a baby girl yesterday.

Unfortunately, Mario and Courtney didn't do the right thing by naming her Jessie Spano. Mario and Courtney gave their daughter a name that sounds like it fell directly out of Teresa Giudice's empty head. They named her Gia Francesca Lopez. This is what they had to say about becoming new parents:

"We are so overjoyed. What an amazing, wonderful and overwhelming experience to welcome our daughter into the world."

I hope little Gia Francesca is enjoying a few moments of peace in the baby tanning crib Mario custom ordered just for her, because he's going to wake her up at the break of dawn tomorrow with a blow horn.

Before Gia burps out her first goo goo ga ga, she's going to know how to do a stomach crunch. Before Gia figures out how to pick her own nose, she's going to know how to do a leg lift. Sorry, but no baby of Mario's is going to have pudgy ass legs and a fupa! The term "baby fat" not exist in Mario's world. Now start doing bicep curls with a Shake Weight Rattle, you lazy baby you!

It wouldn't be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I'm looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen's funeral.

This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That's because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!

And the people who got to witness Johnny's glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O'Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.

Mario Lopez won't pirouette from his house in the morning until every follicle is in its place, both of his dimples have been polished, and his pecs are perking up real pretty-like. A source tells Page Six that Mario is so obsessed with beauty that he even made his girlfriend, Courtney Mazza, fix her overall body situation before being photographed with her in public. Well, this is understandable seeing as though AC Slater is used to being around perfect goddesses like Jessie Spano.

The source explained, "Courtney was engaged to a guy in Queens before she met Mario, but once they got together she dropped everything to go to California and be with him. He encouraged her to work out with a trainer every day. She underwent a boob job and liposuction last spring. Once her body was perfect, he arranged for them to be photographed on a beach."

I bet you Mario is one of those crazy bitches who doesn't even want to think about his girlfriend going pee pee times, so he forces her to play the sounds of the rainforest while she's pissing so his ears won't hear it. That shit reminds me of the time I accidentally (okay, it wasn't an accident) farted in front of some dude I was dating for about a week. Dude acted like I just murdered a family of bald eagles! He told me to go to the bathroom and then asked me if I was raised by wolves. Yeah, farting wolves to be exact. And why would I need to go to the bathroom anyway? To wipe my ass post-fart? That's what underwear is for.

Anyway, Courtney is currently knocked up with their baby, so that's going to make things interesting. Mario will have a body waxer, make-up artist, b-hole bleacher and plastic surgeon on hand when Courtney gives birth. And that will be just for the baby!

Okay, not a "world-class" athlete, but she is a "Malibu-class" athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!

Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the...for the...why was he there?).

And I'm pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!

Our favorite fairy princess AC Slater turned another year older and another year closer to the grave as he celebrated his BARFDAY at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last night. What's the deal, he must have sold his soul to the devil to keep looking as succulent as he did back on SBTB. Either that or he spends countless hours obsessing in front of the mirror with his IGIA Clear zit zapper and black head sucker to perfect that overly baby oiled glow. I'll go with the latter.

Oh my douche! Don't tell me it that his dick bag face was jammed on top of his stylish mancake. I'm really surprised he didn't try to airbrush the likeness of his own abs on that delicious pastry.

Mario BLOWpez is absolutely douche-tacular. Notice the mystery slut grinding her vaginal secretions all over his obviously flaccid penis. A weak attempt of sexual arousal, poor dumb ho FAILS. I'm sure he had a whole slew of skanks that were crawling all over his meat in hopes to get a taste of his tenderloin. He'd rather toss salad full of Bacos than stuff his face in a meat pie.

Now that AC Slater is the new host of Extra, he wants to be taken seriously, so he has promised to never pose shirtless in photos again. He told People: "My shirtless photo-shoot days are behind me. My TV projects are my main priority. And no, you will never see me host Extra without a shirt."

Mario Lopez is good for two things: prancing around like a pretty fairytale princess and posing topless. If he's not going to do either of those things, then he needs to quietly check into the nearest retirement home. His services are no longer needed.

But wait! Mario went on to say that he won't take his shirt off for photo shoots, but he will take it off for "Nip/Tuck." Yeah, he's confusing. Mario will reprise his role this season. He said: "Dr. Mike might not be taking anymore showers at the gym with Christian, but he will lose his shirt."

All the body waxing he does is fucking with his brains. You know what, I change my mind. AC Slater, keep the shirt on and while you're at it, put on a muzzle too.

Mario Lopez probably thought he looked like a sexy piece when he showed up to an EA Sports event last week, but unfortunately the chicks around him didn't feel the same way. Rush & Molly claims that everyone was talking about how much foundation and mascara AC Slater had on. Fuck the mascara and foundation. Did he brush his eyebrows with a Sharpie? If he did, he's my new soul ate. Sharpie and lucite are the fastest way to my black heart.

Mario should ring up the cover girl of all cover girls, Zac Efron, for a few beauty tips. While Mark is waiting for Zac to call him back, he should watch this educational video courtesey of Donna Mills. Don't forget to "feather" your eyeliner!

This September, AC Slater will replace Mark McGrath and Dayna Devon as the new host of "Extra." Mark has been kicked off, but Dayna will stay as a special correspondent. Some important person that works on Extra told People, "Mario ... has established himself as a highly engaging, likeable and sought-after host and personality." Likeable to who?! Baboons?

Great, AC Slater is already annoying and now that he's joining an "entertainment news show," he's going to be even more annoying. Mark McGrath was tolerable before he joined "Extra." As soon as I saw him on that show, he instantly became a robot prick. All of those crazy entertainment news people are totally irritating.

Name one that doesn't make you want to wet yourself. Pat O'Brien? CREEPY! Mary Hart? FRAUDULENT! Billy Bush? ACK! Victoria Recano? Ugh! Don't even get me started on that bitch!