Celine Dion

When I Googled "Celine Dion bathtub," this came up. Seems about right.

While the GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD gave her husband René Angélil a sponge bath after feeding him a spoonful of her blended pastries (not a euphemism, so don't let your imagination open that trap door) at their mega mansion in Florida, a Canadian dude was practically doing the same thing at their mansion in Quebec.

E! News says that 36-year-old Daniel Bedard tried to open the front door to Saaaaaayleeeen's house, but when he found that shit was locked, he slipped into one of Ruuuunaaaay's cars (which was not locked) and pulled out the keys and a garage door opener. Yes, René left his house keys in his unlocked car. But what he lacks in simple common fucking sense, he makes up for in clit-throbbing pure sexiness (Exhibit A).

Daniel opened the door to Céline's house and felt the sensation of a hummingbird cooing into his ears and a swan running its feathery nipple along his skin (it's that forty five billion dollar air humidifier shit Céline installs in all the buildings she lives in).

What does a ho do in Céline's house? Naturally, you nibble on her pastries (again, not a euphemism, so pad lock that trap door already) and try to give yourself a French Canadian Calgon moment by running yourself a bath. What Daniel didn't know is that her silent alarm (which sounds something like this and can only be heard by the K9 unit) was set off and the police showed up at the front door as he was coming down the stairs.

Nerve is something Daniel has nothing of, because the first thing that came out of his was mouth when he saw the cops was: "Hey, guys what are you doing here?" The cops asked him the same thing, quickly put him in handcuffs and later charged him with breaking and entering, among other things.

Céline hasn't commented on this, but since her heart constantly pours out love the same way her tacky ass Florida water park pours out gallons of water, she's probably okay with this. It warms the edges of her soul knowing that a crazy bitch wanted to scrub at his taint in one of her bath tubs and filled his empty stomach with the placenta wrapped in skin she keeps in her fridge. Yeah, that's what that was. Do you really think Céline keeps snacks in her kitchen?

Oh, and her new babies were there too (I've hid the GONG in Celine Dion's Canadian chichi alley so you'll pull it out from there if you want me off the stage)!!! The gay porn Caesar and a FML rose petal maiden once again welcomed THE GREATEST SINGER IN THE WOOOORLD and her family to Caesar's Place in Las Vegas where she'll soon begin a new show next month. The slot machines at Caesar's are now letting out an orgasm howl knowing that some of the money that gets shoved into their down low holes will go towards pruning and manicuring the field of baby's breath on René Angélil's chin.

BABIES!!! are my kryptonite, but I have to say that Baby Nelson and Baby Eddy are adorable in a "Welcome to Frankenstein's Castle" kind of way. The look that baby in Celine's arms is making could bring Mel Brooks out of semi-retirement to direct a Three Stooges movie. Baby dude is definitely "nyuck nyuck nyuck-ing" with his eyes.

Celine Dion put this ethereal holiday portrait of her blessed family into the mouth of a white pigeon and sent it off to everyone at Caesar's Palace, where she's about to reign once again. This is pretty much how I pictured Celine and her family at bedtime. Celine caresses her lips with Bonne Bell frosted pink lip gloss and slides into a cloud of 10,000-thread count sheets before serenading Pepaw René, Rene-Charles, Baby Eddy and Baby Nelson off to dreamland. Pepaw René has to protect his fragile eyeballs with sunglasses since it's always so fucking blinding bright in there with all that damn white!

via HuffPo

When you think of John Lennon you think of Celine Dion, obviously. So it only makes sense (it makes no sense) that Celine was on Lizard King Live last night to pay tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of his death. Since Celine will shrivel into dried cheese curds if she doesn't sing every hour on the hour, Larry kept her alive by asking her to blow out a few notes of "Imagine."

That shit was weird. It was almost like a Yoko Ono-produced performance art piece. John Lennon didn't know whether to roll in his grave or submit a transfer request into heaven's administration office to come back as a musical note dancing out of Celine's mouth.

Whatever, this clip proves that getting drunk with Celine would bring hours of endless entertainment. She's like a human jukebox! Ho knows every damn song. You could be like, "Celine, sing some Giggles," and she wouldn't waste a second before hollerin, "Tell him WHY girlfriend!" And since I brought up Giggles:

P.S. - According to the YouTube comments the trick in that Giggles video is an impostor! Only true icons have impostors!

Seen here posing on the set of a tampon commercial (or in one of JLo's dressing rooms), Celine Dion debuts her bright shiny new twin angels to the woooooorld! And guess what? They look like babies! Babies that I'm sure Pepaw Rene is throwing subtle undercover shade at since they have more hair on their heads than he does.

Celine's 2-month-old BABY!!! boys have so much pose to give that Hello! Canada gave them a 20 page spread. Have you been itching to see Celine's twins various nap positions (SPOILER ALERT: They have 4)? Hello will give you that! Are you curious to see her twins' "Should I fart or should I piss first?" facial expressions? Hello will give you that too! I mean, they have 20 damn pages to cover!

In between posing with her twins on a fluffy white cloud imported from heaven, Celine talked to the magazine and explained why she named her twins Nelson and Eddy. From HuffPo:

Dion, who with husband Rene Angelil has a nine-year old son named named Rene-Charles, spent years trying to get pregnant again, going through IVF treatments and suffering a miscarriage. So the couple wanted to give the twins meaningful names.

"We met with Nelson Mandela and spent some time with him at his house when we started Celine's world tour," Rene said. "Eddy is an homage to Eddy Marnay," he added, referring to the songwriter that wrote Dion's first five albums and died a few years ago.

That's a nice tribute. But you know Celine's ass really named them after Edy's coconut bars and Nelson Muntz. Who wouldn't?

Shortly after Céline Dion's double dose of baby came riding out of her womb on musical notes, her rep said that she needed some time with her husband René Angélil to come up with names. So Seeeeeelean sat in a darkened corner in a room in her Florida castle and held her twins tight while humming softly until a pair of names came to her.

Now, I was hoping that just like she did with her son René-Charles, she would give her twins names that make them sound like European gigolos who masquerade as counts to steal priceless gems from horny old rich ladies. I also was hoping that she'd at least throw a René in her twins' names so that one day they can form a family group called Céline and the 3 Renés. But no, Céline and René Angélil have named their twin boys Nelson and Eddy. instead Their names have nothing to do with Nelson Eddy. People explains:

The name "Eddy" comes from Eddy Marnay, who produced the singer's first five records. "He was like a father to her," says Dion's rep. "Eddy is a major influence in both Céline and René's lives."

Nelson is named after Nelson Mandela, whom Dion met two years ago while kicking off her world tour in South Africa. "René said that in just the few minutes they were able to spend with him, they were impressed by the human being he is," says the rep.

"Céline and René want their children to be inspired by their names, because they were so inspired by these men,"

Okay, but couldn't Céline put a little sparkle on it. You know, make the name kick you in the tonsils. Put a thrust on it. Saying their names should make you want to reach for a bag of Ricolas. Like Nélson and Éddy. There, that's better. See the different an accent makes!

At 11:11 and 11:12 am EST today, you might have heard two unicorn coos softly skipping along the wind outside. No, you didn't hear Bill Kaultiz's mating call, but I totally understand why you would think that. You heard the sounds of Celine Dion's twin boys entering this world! Yup, their first wet burps are totally going to go to #1 and #2 (respectively) on the adult contemporary charts.

People confirms that Celine and her 500-year-old husband René (insert the obligatory "they can share the same diaper changing table" comment here) became parents in Florida today for the second and third time. Celine's BABIES!!! showed up a little early so they are hanging out in an incubator for a while. This is the shit Celine's rep said:

"Celine, René and their son René-Charles are thrilled. One of the boys weighed in at 5 lbs., 4 oz., with the other at 5 lbs., 10 oz.

Celine is resting now and they plan to discuss what to name the boys when she wakes up. René-Charles has been to the hospital to visit his brothers and is just so excited they are here."

NO NAMES!? How in the fuck can you birth out a baby statement and not give us the names? But my guess is that Celine and Pepaw René are going to name them René-Charlesier and René-Charlesest since they were most likely both born with a luscious waterfall mane of golden dreams on their head.

And I can't wait to see all of them on a SANS FARDS cover of 7 Jours.

Here is a SANS FARDS and pregnant Celine Dion with her family on the cover of Canada's 7 Jours magazine. This is how the cover of a celebrity weekly is really done, because each one of their facial expressions is a new kind of hilarious.

René Angélil has a look on his face like he's really excited to destroy Flash Gordon once and for all, or slurp your brains out through your ear holes. Celine is giving that look most pregnant women have plastered on their faces 7 out of 9 months. The "I'm over this shit" face, which is also the "I have to piss" face. René-Charles looks strangely excited. I say "strangely excited" because I'd be kind of sad if I no longer had a long luscious unicorn tail on top of my head. Maybe it's hiding under there and he's wearing Anne Hathaway's wig.

And the dog is obviously not amused at the fact that 7 Jours is still bringing up Princess Diana's death.

via ONTD

42-year-old Celine Dion and her 105-year-old dusty husband René Angelil are expecting their second and third child together, so says her rep to People Magazine. Celine got a case of the double babies 14 weeks ago after her sixth in-vitro fertilization attempt. Celine also tried some acupuncture shit to increase her chances at getting pregnant.

Celine announced she was pregnant 10 months ago, but it turned out to be a false positive. Celine recently told Oprah that she's been trying to get knocked up to give her 9-year-old son R(roll that "R" like you're trying to hawk a loogie)ené-Charles a brother or a sister.

René Angelil issued this statement of words to People: "We're ecstatic. Celine is just hoping for a healthy pregnancy. She was hoping for one baby and the news that we are having two is a double blessing!"

Congrats to Celine and the Canadian Santy Claus! Let's all grab two bottles (because we've got two hands) and drink to that! And then drink some more since Celine can't. And then drink MORE for her twins (which I hope she names TAKE-A and Kayak), because they just won the lottery. I mean, this is Celine's backyard.

Who the fuck has Raging Waters in their backyard? Looking at that just makes me want to pee in Chlorine.

This is sad. There's really no other way to put it. Celine Dion's husband René Angélil told the Journal de Montreal last night that his wife is no longer pregnant. René added, "We're living the reality of the majority of couples who face these procreation techniques. But today, we are full of confidence. Celine is more determined than ever."

Back in August, Celine and René announced that they were expecting their second child after undergoing in vitro fertilization treatment. Celine spoke openly about how she had her embryos frozen in liquid nitrogen shortly after the birth of her son Rene-Charles. Celine was due in May. :(

Update: Over at People, they have more information from Rene. Rene said that Celine was never pregnant. Rene explained, "Dr. Zev Rosenwaks believed that the procedure/pregnancy took, but that wasn't the case. We found out some days later. We were shocked. But you know Céline. She doesn't let go." He said they will keep trying.

via UsWeekly