Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson was so inspired by a documentary on the religious masterpiece The Da Vinci Code that she now wants to study theology. Did the sky suddenly go dark for a quick second? That was God rolling his eyes.

Jessica told Marie Claire (via P6), "I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion. I love religion. I remember whenever the book 'The Da Vinci Code' came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times."

This might not be such a bad idea. Then she can read the lost commandment: "Thou shall not open your mouth if your name is Jessica Simpson."

And since Jessica is so inspired by documentaries, someone should get her "Grizzly Man" for Christmas. Maybe that will inspire her ass to go live in the wilderness forever.

Yes, this is an old ass picture of Ashlee and Jessica B.S. (Before Surgeries). So...Asshole Simpson has been pregnant...oh...for about 2 or 3 years now, at least. There were rumors over the weekend that Emo Baby was about to make his grand entrance, but apparently that didn't happen. The big-tittied frog went on The Ellen Degeneres Show and blabbed that her sister can't wait to pop.

Jessica told Ellen that Asshole may induce labor, "They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick." She went on to say that Asshole is trying everything to get Emo Baby to come out, "Different foot massages and stuff. I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

This is the thing, that baby is stalling for time. It does not want to come the fuck out and can you blame it? It's sitting in there, arms crossed, pout on its face, thinking "Nope. Not today. Not ever." Asshole better come to terms with the fact that she's going to be pregnant for the rest of her life. She's going to be a 54-year-old woman, knocked up with an overgrown 30-year-old. Emo Baby's leg is going to be hanging out of her snatch and its hand will be coming out of her ass, but it will still refuse to come out.

You know how they can trick Emo Baby into popping out? Ass and Pete need to tell it that they will put it up for adoption as soon as it comes out. That baby would jump out with the adoption papers ready to sign before Ass could say "acid reflux."

Source: People

The big-tittied frog and her lezzie lover and my girl crush, Ken Paves, left Madeo last night when chaos ensued!! It must have been a slow night on the celebwhore stroll, because the paps went crazy trying to get a picture of that dumb bitch. Ken Paves, being the princess in shiny hair that he is, tried to protect Chestica's weave and kept pushing back the paps. One of the cameras didn't appreciate Ken pushing at its owner, so it slapped that bitch in the head. I'm sure Ken is used to being slapped in the face with hard objects, but he probably wasn't ready for this shit.

Ken's pristine female-to-male tranny face started bleeding! Yes, he actually bleeds real blood. Shocking, right? Ken and Chestica immediately went to the hospital to fix up his owie.

Ken is a big girl and I'm sure he'll be fine after a couple of switches and a taint slap. Besides, Ken is used to intense pain in his head. I mean, he's been forced to listen to Chestica's frog yodel live. And maybe now that he's been knocked in the head, he'll start doing good hair. I always try to look on the bright side!

Leading whores in Hollyweird are breathing a sigh of relief today after learning that Jessica Simpson's war epic "Major Movie Star" is going straight to DVD, which means she won't be a contender for the Best Actress Oscar anymore.

Even though Jessica's visionary masterpiece was a huge hit in Russia, it won't be released in theaters in North America. Not even the $1 movie theater off the highway is going to show this caca mess. The shit show will also get a name change. You know, because changing the name makes us forget that Jessica has the acting skills of one of your morning butt nuggets.

"Major Movie Star" will now be known as "Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous" and will be coming to a dusty Dollar Tree cutout bin near you on February 3rd. I didn't think it was possible, but they made a dumb title even dumber. They should have just changed the name to "SALE 99CENTS," because it will be covered in discount stickers by the end of the first day.

There's hope, though! The movie will premiere in theaters in Bulgaria next month! Chestica is becoming The Hoff of Eastern Europe!

Jessica's last shot at acting "Blonde Ambition" made $1,300 after showing in just 8 theaters in Texas. After that, it went straight to the bins!

Okay, Papa Joe, now that it's been confirmed that Jessica KILLS movies, can we just set fire to that chapter already? Jessica's only working brain cell needs to focus on things she's good at like....um.... err.... um.... errr.... carrying Daisy around?

Source: UsWeekly

It's about that time when we check with the tortured creature known as Daisy Simpson. Yup, she still has "end my misery" written in her eyes. Daisy probably spends more of her day putting her paws together and praying to the gods that Ken Paves turns her into one of his raggedy weaves already.

Daisy, just remember that if that big-tittied frog becomes too much to handle, there's always the "bite the bagina" option. I've posted this hot shit video before, but it's been making the rounds again and Daisy needs to study it for possible future reference. "He jump on my bagina because he get so crazeee!" I need that on my tombstone.

The big-tittied frog left dinner last night looking like someone went caca in her ice cream, but she probably just had too many Chery Bombs. Or maybe earlier in the night someone asked her what the answer to 2+2 is and she's still trying to figure it out.

Jessica Simpson may be more annoying than a horny chihuahua with an oversized lipstick, but Cacee Cobb is fucking worse. Look at her in the pictures below. She's trying soooo hard to look exactly like Jessica, but doing it on a Rite Aid budget. I can hear her shrill wail in all these pictures.

I take it back. Cacee is not more annoying than Jess. I'd rather hear Cacee's high-pitched whine all night than listen to Jessica's ear-killing croak one more time.

I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!

The big-tittied frog performed at a benefit for the Rape Crisis Center at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas last night and what did she choose to talk about? Farts and Tony Romo! Of course. They're two of the kind.

Jessica said to People: "Tony is a great quarterback, but he's a better boyfriend. I'm seriously proud of myself for letting him into my life. Through all the chaos and torment and everything I go through, I can lay in his arms and finally rest."

Yes, please rest there forever. For-EVER. Don't move. Just stay there. Don't ever get up. No. I'll bring you water and flies. And you should be proud of yourself, Jessica. Reward yourself by staying in Tony's arms forever and ever. Honestly. That means you can't get up. Ever. I'm serious.

Jessica also went on to talk about how much Tony puts up. "I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABC's." Dutch ovens from Jessica? Ugh. I'm not feeling so well.

This isn't the first time Jessica has talked about her wind blower asshole. It makes sense that Jessica suffers from chronic fart syndrome. She's full of shit and air. Her asshole should probably sing her songs. I'm sure it can blow better than she can.

Here's Jessica wearing one of Marilyn Whirlwind's old ones while making a microphone cry last night.

.....on the country music charts. I'm surprised it sold even 1 copy, let alone 65,000 copies. Jessica Simpson's album Do You Know (without the question mark) also debuted at No. 4 on the Billboard Top 100. Metallica's Death Magnetic was No. 1 with 490,000 copies.

Jessica's last album sold 101,000 copies in its first week. It ended up selling around 300,00 copies total. Her album before that sold 2.9 million copies.

Papa Joe must have gotten a shit load of air miles from his credit card after buying 50,000 copies of the big-tittied frog's record. Honestly. After being tortured by Jessica's cuntry croak all last week, who would spend their hard-earned dollars on that shit?

'll admit that I listened to the whole album for research purposes. YES. Research. I can't remember one song from that crap. I'd rather listen to see Shania Twain's Come on Over for the rest of my days than have to listen to Jessica's bore songs one more time.

Shut up! I know what you're thinking. That Don't Impress Me Much is a hot song and you know it.

Source

While Chestica Simpson was busting out the eardrums of baby pigeons with her country croaking on "Good Morning America" last Tuesday, a group of Chuckies provided some real entertainment. Ain't that a bitch! Getting upstaged by fucking Chucky! When a group of dancing Chuckies are more entertaining than you are, it's probably time to move to Plan B. Or in Chestica's case, Plan S. The S is for SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Even though the dancing Chuckies have serious moves, I'm a little disappointed with them. I mean, Chestica isn't that far away from them and they are holding sharp weapons..... I guess they figured that she's already committing enough bloodshed by opening up her frog trap.