Jessica Simpson

Depressed Daisy is still in the hands of the big-tittied frog beast. I think Ty Ty Banks would call Daisy's stare, "begging for fucking mercy wit yo eyez." I feel for Daisy. It looks like she never got that secret package of ludes I sent her. Maybe she can find a little catnip to ease her pain.

Chestica is currently in NYC whoring out that big ole' cuntry album of hers. Ches' collection of dumb dumb ditties is #2 on iTunes. It was #1 yesterday. Somebody please take away Papa Joe's credit card. I mean, isn't there a limit on how many times you can download the same shit?!

Here's more of Papa Joe's "favorite girls" out in NYC last night.

Chestica Simpson started to perform the song "With You" on Good Morning America today, but had to stop because the police arrived and were about to arrest her for disturbing the peace. No. Chestica told the audience: "Hold on, I know this is live TV but I can't hear anything."

You're not the only one, honey. I could barely hear anything either after listening to her frog warble for a few seconds. Jessica should take this as a fucking sign. Even her own ear monitor couldn't take that shit!

Chest started the song again, but continued to have issues. Click here to see this shit.

Her "hearing" issues weren't her only problems. What in the pork rind hell was she wearing?! It looks like Miss Piggy's unused maternity dress from when she had a pregnancy scare that one time.

Personally, I don't think Chestica is knocked up. She's just an attention whore! Papa Joe wants people to think Ches is with child, so they can keep talking about her ass. And I've fallen for his trap. Damn him!

Jessica Simpson and her titty balls made their Grand Ole Opry debut on Saturday night and some of the audience members were not pleased with the fact that her rack was out in full display.

One bitch told People: "I think she should have put some clothes on." I think she should have put a muzzle on.

Another ho also complained about Chestica's chest: "I loved that new girl, Crystal [Shawanda] – and she was dressed appropriately." Crystal Shawanda?! I have no idea who that chick is, but she's already my favorite country star of all time. I think the angels gave her that name.

After watching her "performance," I'm more offended by her strained frog warble than what she's wearing. She sounds like a raccoon getting a 5-finger anal exam.

Jessica belongs on a pick-up truck dashboard, not on the stage of the Grand Ole' Opry.

She summed it up herself by saying: "I can't believe I am here!" Somewhere in heaven, Hank Williams is screaming, "ME NEITHER!"

Carrie Underwears is still talking caca about Jessica Simpson. That's what OK! Magazine claims anyway. The two blonde nitwits have been going at it for a while now. Naturally, it's because of a big douche named Tony Romo. Carrie's latest insult involves Jessica's fat ass. Carrie said that, not me.

A source said: “She finds Jessica’s love of putting her life on display pretty desperate. She laughed at the People cover, because it’s the same one Jess did about John Mayer — same smile, same look, except she’s a little fatter.”

Did she say this before fourth period in the home rec room while scribbling on her Pee Chee folder? This is junior high school bullshit all the way. It's time for Carrie and Jessica to meet behind the gym after lunch and settle this once and for all. But that will never happen.

These bitches are all talk. If they ever ran into each other, it would probably be like a fake bomb exploded in the room. Carrie would tell Jessica that she looks soooo skinny. Jessica would tell Carrie that her hair is so natural looking. You know how those fake asses do it. They would say all of this while the word "cunt" sleeps under their tongue. Dumb skanks!

According to Star Magazine, Jessica Simpson has a nickname for Tony Romo. She calls him "FBD" - future baby's daddy. I think I'm going to "PUL" - puke up lunch.

As nauseating as "future baby's daddy" is, I doubt that's what FBD really means. Maybe it really means "fake boyfriend douche." Most people would say "fake douche boyfriend," but this is Jessica we're talking about. It could also mean "fisting buddy for daddy." Yeah, that's probably it.

Here's the "BTF" (big tittied frog) leaving Eva LongWHORIA's fugly restaurant with her "BTG" (big tranny girlfriend) last night.

John Law is my favorite person of the day! He reviewed Jessica Simpson's performance at the Avalon Ballroom in Ontario,Canada on Wednesday and he basically tore her a new one. Papa Joe, that's just a saying. Jessica doesn't actually have a new hole. You can break your boner now.

John writes in the Niagara Falls Review that the big-tittied frog talked too fucking much and explained what every song meant to her stupid ass. John writes, "Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing." I'd rather she get her jaw wired shut like Tammy did on "The Real World: Los Angeles." Oh shit. Tammy was fucking crazy. I digress.

Throughout the nauseating night, Jessica said she was pregnant with an alien and also had a message from God about one of her songs. Of course, she blabbed about Tony Romo and slammed Nick Lachey for being a "cheater." Same Jessica shit, different day.

Jessica even admitted she has a farting problem: "I do pass gas a lot. I guarantee it smells like roses.” Every time she opens her mouth, a fart comes out. And I guarantee you that it doesn't smell like roses. It smells like Papa Joe slime, Ken Paves boogers, boiled beef and desperation.

Papa Joe must be patting himself on the back fat this morning for getting his daughter on the cover of People Magazine. The photographer and his staff should win some award for getting Jessica Simpson to pose without her mouth looking like a fly trap. It probably took a few yards of chicken wire and gorilla glue to keep her insect hole shut for that long. The photographer also held a little birdie over the camera. Jessica was so transfixed with it that she closed her teeth. Good job!

The article is just as vomit-inducing as the cover line. I'm sure Jessica stole some of her statements from a Barry Manilow song.

In the issue, she queefs about her perfectly staged relationship with Tony Romo, "I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life,' I don't really ever say that to anybody." This bubblehead probably forgets her own name regularly, so I doubt she remembers what she told some tool hours before. Somewhere in the world Nick Lachey, John Mayer, Dane Cook, Adam Levine and Bam Margera are rolling their eyes.

The big-tittied frog is so serious about Romo that she's changed her e-mail address and cell number. "I don't want anybody that's been in my life [before] in my life anymore. I don't even want them to have any way of contacting me." Getting a hold of Jessica is easy. Just open up a jar of flies and that ho will come calling.

She goes on to say that Romo hasn't done the same thing for her, but she's not "a jealous girl." No, just a dumb one.

Finally, Jessica mouth farts about how she dealt with her break-up from John Mayer. "I had to regain self-esteem and self-value. I just love, so I don't understand when people can't do exactly what I do."

Okay, I think I figured out where she got all these quotes. She totally stole them from my sister's 6th grade diary. No offense to my sister.

Here's Jess wearing curtains stolen from a Cracker Barrel while performing at Niagara Falls Fallsview Casino (HA!) last night.

Carrie Underwears recently said that Tony Romo still calls her ass, but she doesn't answer. Jessica Simpson said on a radio station in Nashville that she knows for a fact Tony hasn't called Carrie. What's her proof? She checked his call log! She's a regular Sherlock fucking Holmes.

Jessica said, "Tony and I both laughed at that. We got a chuckle out of it." When asked about if it was true, Jessica said, "I know it's not true -- I looked at his call log. I'm kidding!" She's not kidding.

Somebody needs to school this frog-tard on the art of snooping. If you're going to do it, do it fucking right! Don't look at the call log. It's called "delete." Look at his phone bill online! If you don't find anything there, text Carrie from Tony's phone with "baby I miss u." If nothing comes from that, then go jump off a bridge as punishment for snooping on your man.

VIA 13Wham.com

Beer-loving tranny alert! Since Jessica Simpson is so fucking country now, she's decided to be the spokeswhore for a Dallas-based beer called Stampede Light Plus. By the looks of their ad, Stampede is trying to cater to country tranny porn stars with swollen pussy lips. FUG!

Not only will the big-tittied frog appear in ads for the beer, but she will also take 15% stake in the company. Oh, Stampede Light just fucked up by announcing that little tidbit of info. It that doesn't scream "Boycott Stampede Light," I don't know what does.

Stampede Light is apparently filled with vitamins to support an active lifestyle. Beer with vitamins? No fucking thanks. I'll stick with getting my daily dose of vitamins from a glass of Sunny D, thank you very much.

Jessica released a statement, but I'm pretty sure she didn't write this shit. "As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people. Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while." Diversify her portfolio? She can't even say portfolio.

I wish someone would stampede all over that bitch's face. And no, I don't mean you Papa Joe. Pull your pants up.

Source

It's a good thing Jessica Simpson can't read, because this tidbit of information might get her vagina lips in a twist.

In September's Allure (via UsWeekly), Carrie Underwears claims Tony Romo stills calls her from time to time. She said, "We were both small-town people doing very big things, and we relied on each other, dealing with fame. I don't know. The phone will ring and it'll be him, and I'll maybe not answer."

What a country cunt! I think I'm in love. But this little passive-aggressive game these two twats are playing with each other is getting old. Jess wears a "Real Girls Eat Meat" t-shirt and Carrie drops these little jabs here and there. These bitches need to stop hiding and come out fighting. My pennies are on Jessica. Her frog mouth could swallow Carrie whole.

Here's Jessica and my girl crush, Ken Paves, out last night.