Jessica Simpson

I am patiently waiting for the day Daisy finally snaps and rips Jessica Simpson's frog lips right off her face. This dog was Adolf Hitler in her last life. That's the only reason I can think for her having to suffer being Jessica's bitch. It's the ultimate punishment.

Daisy always has this look on her face like, "If dolphins can off themselves, so can I!"

Here's Jess torturing Daisy and signing her name on cheap shoes at Dillard's in Frisco, Texas this past weekend.

John and the paps sitting in a tree d-o-u-c-h-i-n-g! That's too many letters, but you get the gist. The paps gave John Mayer a little pressie outside of Hyde Lounge last night. They gave him some Tinactin for itching. John has joked to the paps before that he has severe jock itch. John loves him some paparazzi. They should get married, move to the suburbs and raise kids. They want to do each other bad.

In other Mayer news, The Sun reports that John blogged about an ex-girlfriend and they think it's Jessica Simpson. I checked his blog and I didn't see any of this shit, but I'll take The Sun's word for it. You know, because they would never tell a lie. John blogged about some song lyrics he wrotes while waiting for a flight. He said to not read too far into it.

"Dear Ex Lover,

"Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore.

I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying.

"I hope this is enough closure for you.

"Goodbye.

"P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me."

Chestica! Stop calling John. You have a new fake romance now. I'm going to tell Papa Joe on you and he's going to bend you over and give you a few slaps. Your pain is his pleasure.

John Mayer was partying at Butter in NYC last night when he surprised the paparazzi with food. Feeding the enema (typo that I'm keeping), I see. John ordered takeout for them and came out to pay for it. This bitch must have been stoned or drunk. If I was a pap, I wouldn't eat that crap. Anthrax! John probably wants them to do something for him. He probably wants them to only take shitty pictures of Jessica Simpson.

Speaking of, while John was sucking up to the paps, Jess was out to dinner across town with Tony Roma's. I know his name is Romo, but I always think of Tony Roma's ribs when I see his name. Jess was also escorted by some hot, orange pepaw.

Free Daisy from her Louis Vuitton prison! Actually, that shit looks nicer than my apartment and bigger too. A make-up free Jessica Simpson arrived at JFK yesterday with Daisy in hand. I can't stand this frog, but she looks a million times better without make-up and she's keeping her mouth shut!

In other Chestica news, she's going to Kuwait again! Ches wrote on SweetKisses:

"Hey ya'll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can't wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess"

Oh Ches! I think you're the only one that can't wait for your country album to be released. I guess something has to sit in the Wal-Mart clearance section. I think Daisy wants to go to Kuwait too and she wants to be left there, so she won't have to deal with Ches anymore. I bet Daisy makes a ferocious soldier. And how many times do you think Ches had to google Koowaite to make sure she was spelling it right? At least a million times. I totally spelled Kuwait wrong on purpose to see if you were awake. Ok, I'm lying.

Jessica's movie star dreams have finally come true. She's a huge box office draw! No, not in the US. Not in Canada either. No, not England. Try again! No, not Japan. Not even Germany. No, not Greenland. The Ukraine! Jessica's "Blonde Ambition" hit #1 at the Ukraine box office bringing in $253,008 reports Box Office Mojo (via People).

Box Office Mojo explained Jessica's success in the Ukraine, "The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies. When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson's, that's all that's needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So, films like Blonde Ambition will gross more than No Country for Old Men."

They want to escape into hell? Somebody needs to send them every 80s comedy we ever made here. The cheesier the better. Howard the Duck, Maid to Order....all of them. Just tell them that Lea Thompson and Ally Sheedy are America's biggest stars. Anything's better than Jessica.

Wait, maybe now that she's a huge star in the Ukrane, she can move there? Sounds like a plan to me.

Papa Joe is really working overtime on this Jessica and Tony Romo relationship shit. He should definitely get a raise. The raise being getting an extra 30-seconds of looking at Jessica's cleavage. He was going to give that to himself anyway. There's rumors that Romo and Simpson will soon become one. A friend of Tony Romo's told UsWeekly, "I think they're going to get married." Yeah, I think a huge black diamond is going to drop from my ass, but that isn't happening anytime soon. I pray every day it does, but it still hasn't.

OK! Magazine isn't so sure. They think it's all a publicity stunt. Jessica and publicity stunts?! NO! You're telling me "Newlyweds" wasn't home movies not meant for profit? They called Jessica's rep and she refused to deny or confirm the story.

A source told OK!, "She always leaks information about her faux love life when she's desperate to get her face on magazine covers!"

Of course they are going to get married! Their whole relationship seemed so off to me. It's like they are never together, but they are a couple? Papa Joe has this all worked out....marriage....reality show....Romo cheats on Jessica....she's America's Sweetheart again!

Papa Joe is being sued by Speedfit, a fitness company, for stopping the sale of a workout DVD Jessica Simpson made. The DVD was shot a few years ago and Jessica took home a few million for the gig. Before the release of the video, Jessica changed her mind and blocked the DVD from being sold. Speedfit failed to get a $10 million settlement from Jessica, so they are taking her to court.

Speedfit said, "They are hurting millions of fat people in America! I believe that very strongly — they held the video for years!"

Who the hell would want to work out to that? Actually, Jessica is a good weight reducer. Just looking at her pictures makes me want to eat a whole box of Malomars and then throw it up, so that the image of my vomit can replace the image of her fug ass face.

Source: UsWeekly

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back from Hawaii where they had a small vacation while Romo played some game. Now that Jess is recording a country album she's definitely looking the part. She's just a CUNT......ry......girl....at.....heart. That bag is fucking huge. She's probably smuggling Papa Joe in there. Can't leave home without him.

Wenn

Jessica Simpson arrived at JFK today and was asked by photographer who she was rooting for the Superbowl. She answered, "Go Cowboys!" The Giants and the Patriots are playing. Poor thing is probably on her way to the Superbowl where she will root for Romo and the Cowboys. Nobody has the heart to tell her she ruined it for them. Oh well.

Splash

I fucking love Jessica Simpson's dog, Daisy. Homedog always looks like she's over it. I would be too if I had to deal with Jess all the time. Daisy is probably a pill-popping bitch. That's how she copes. Jessica goes through her medicine cabinet thinking "Where the hell did that full bottle of Valium go?" It went down Daisy's throat followed by a gin martini, that's where it went.

Daisy always looks so mangy. I'm guessing Jessica tries to get Ken Paves to do her hair, but Daisy knows better. She probably bites that queen when he tries to touch her hair. Daisy is not going to be the fool.

Here's Daisy with that girl in NYC last night.

Splash