Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts is off in India shooting Queef, Poop, Fart (aka Eat, Pray, Love) and has already made the locals curse her name, because she is invading their LIVES. One local told The Mirror that he can't get into his temple during the holiest time of the year, because Julia's movie is hogging it up.

And the locals are also pissed off, because Julia has a security staff of about 350 people (including 40 gunmen) guarding her family at all times. They say Julia takes a bulletproof car to the set every day while helicopters patrol above. Why didn't they simply ring up Quween on the Scene? Quween can do the job of a million bouncers.

You know, I have a hard time believing this little nugget since there's really no reason for Julia Roberts to have the scareds in India. I mean, cows are sacred there, so why wouldn't horses be sacred too? Yes, I came up with that one all on my own. I'm a big kid now! Next stop: potty training!

(Image VIA Splash)

There's always got to be a drunk ass foul-mouthed bitch at every party and at last night's tribute to Tom Hanks by the Film Society of Lincoln Center, Julia Roberts was that ho. Everyone embrace a fellow drunktardian into our club.

When it was Julia's turn to speak about Tom, she loaded her cannon with fuck bombs and aimed it at the audience. Julia's speech sounds like gorgeous music to my ears: (read it in a slurry, burpy voice) "Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee. So Tom, everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita, and her tits were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Julia the went on to talk about Tom's illustrous film career, "I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about! "You in the airport with the accent (she's talking about Terminal)? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist! Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Before falling off the edge of the stage in a drunken stupor, Julia told the audience, "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space. Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Julia Roberts is awesome for that. When did Julia Roberts become my auntie giving an impromptu speech about how much she loves her pet ferrett at Thanksgiving dinner after downing a whole box of Franzia? I don't know if that made any sense, because I think I got contact drunk after reading Julia's rant.

You know that after she got home, she crawled into bed with her kids and practically suffocated them with her hot booze bref kisses! She slobbered on them and said, "I luuuuvz youuuz sooo soo mu-uuuch." I used to love when my mom did that.

Seriously, Julia needs to do shit like this more often!

UPDATE: And here's the video!

Here's some of the hos who got to witness Julia's ridiculousness last night.

Julia Roberts uses the fuck word! I have never been turned on by Julia, but when she curses out the paparazzi, my nips start lactating. I was expecting her to pull out a shank or whistle for her homies during this clip. The bitch is hardcore when it comes to defending her kids.

I wish I would have known about this yesterday. It would have come in handy when some dumb bitch whore was trying to cut in front of me in the supermarket checkout line. I would've pulled a Julia and shouted, "Fuck off! Aim higher! Get a life! Get away from me!"

And I think I love her even more because she goes to Islands. No wonder she was getting crazy. Those pappies were keeping her from enjoying a delicious Hawaiian burger!

VIA ONTD

Over the weekend, TBS played "Pretty Woman" and I had to stop and watch it, because Shane Ross, Marie - Snobby Salesperson #2, is one of my favorite actresses. When she says, "It's very expensive," I feel it in my soul. I truly believe that the dress is VERY expensive.

Anyway, I was hoping that Julia Roberts would feel the same way I do and produce a sequel. In the sequel, Edward Lewis suddenly dies after he shoves a gerbil way too far up his ass and it eats his vital organs. After her husband's death, Vivian Ward Lewis decides to do some good in the world, so she buys the store that scorned her many years ago and turns it into a refuge for unfashionable prostitutes.

At the store, Vivian finds that Marie has been demoted to stock person, because now she's much too ugly and old to be in the front of the store. Vivian takes Marie under her wing to build up her confidence and turn her into the good woman she always wanted to be. In the end, Vivian and Marie realize they have fallen in love with each other and they get married on Rodeo Drive while The Supremes' "Back In My Arms Again" serenades us to the end credits.

Unfortunately, Julia has stomped on my dreams. At last night's Painted Turtle benefit in San Francisco, she said there will never be a sequel. She said, "No one wants to see an old hooker! Do they?" No, but I want to see Marie again, dammit!

Here's the dream killer and Pepaw Bruce Willis last night.