On Friday, I posted a blind item from CDAN about how an A-list movie actress has always wanted to dip into the poon and finally got her chance when she met a special lady friend on the set of her new movie. And here's, Julia Roberts and her August: Osage County co-star Julianne Nicholson holding hands while walking to a restaurant in Venice, CA last week. Yes, Julia and Julianne are also eating with Ewan McGregor and Dermot Mulroney (aka their beards), but we all know that when two grown women who don't share the same blood are walking hand-in-hand in the middle of a parking lot, it obviously means that they're scissoring until their pubes burn off. LEZ-BEE-AAAAANS!
And they're both wearing leather boots. And they're both wearing jeans. And they're both wearing messenger bags. And all those three things put together* obviously means that they're shopping for power tools together at Home Depot on Sundays.
* Those three things put together don't mean that
It doesn't scrape the top layers of my soul and melt all the sugar cubes in my cupboard the same way the Juliacacklinglikeamaniacalhorse.gif does, but it still's a work of photographic art. Julia Roberts was also at that AFI Lifetime Achievement Award Honoring Shirley MacLaine thing and she busted out some Snow White's old witch shit by contorting into an evil open-mouthed wink while telling a joke. Why didn't Julia make this "take the poisoned apple face" face during Mirror Mirror? I didn't see Mirror Mirror, but I'm assuming she didn't bring out this face, because if she did she would've won an early Oscar for it.
The only thing really missing in this picture is John Travolta throwing spinach at Julia, because she's giving off some Popeye realness. And because John Travolta's nickname in the Scientology bathhouse is Poopdeck Pappy.
The last time Julia Roberts' tongue tried to twist out a foreign accent (see: the watered down in shit Irish accent she did in Michael Collins) Ireland almost declared war on our asses, and rightly so. So I'm sure some country is going to hate attack us in the face for the jacked up accent she spits up in the other Snow White movie Mirror, Mirror. I'd tell you which country, but I don't even know what kind of accent she's trying to make. Is it British? Is it Madge-ish? Is it Muppet? Is it the same accent as the one the Google Translate bitch does? Whatever it is, it's fucked up.
The rest of the trailer for Mirror, Mirror tells me that if I'm ever going to see this mess in full, I better smoke the wrong stuff out of an apple bong beforehand. All nerves will have to be numbed to deal with Julia's face acrobats and her signature horse cackle that still sounds like Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked without lube on a seesaw.
Can't we pluck (not punned on purpose) Brow White from this movie and throw her into the one with Charlize Thereon? Then we can stick this mess into ABC Family right between a PSA on cyber bullying and a tampon commercial.
Hollywood is queefing out Snow White movie after Snow White movie and here's the one that recycled Bjork's Oscar swan dress (see Phil Collins' daughter wearing that white tinfoil swan mess on her head in the picture below) and also cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. The only two words that jump into my head after blinking at this picture a couple of time are: A MESS!
You know, Julia's laugh could put any bitch in a coma so she sort of makes sense as the Evil Queen, but then they stapled my auntie's white peacock wall ornament to her back and slapped some sequined peacock feathers over her nipples. How are we supposed to believe that Julia can shoot fear into grown men when she basically looks like the fail version of this masterpiece look:
Even the Evil Queen's mirror can't with the mess she's wearing. I'm sure there one scene will go something like this:
The Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Do you mean, who's the biggest fool of all? That would be you and your peacock nipples. Now go pluck yourself, you silly bitch!
Don't even get me started on how we're supposed to believe that an evil horse would actually give up one of its apples. You know you're in trouble when your version of Snow White makes Kristen Stewart's version of Snow White look interesting.
That being said, I'll be sitting sixth row center on opening night since I cannot ignore a campy mess that not even ABC Family would air.
Here's more from Tarsem Singh's Snow White that stars Lily Collins (as Snow White), Julia (as the EQ), Armie Hammer (as Prince Charming) and Nathan Lane (as the Evil Queen's henchman).
Yeah, yeah, I know I should be using my time to write a 1,000-word essay on how Lancome should really use these SANS PHOTOSHOP pictures of Julia Roberts for their next ad, but I'm too busy telling Danny Moder's body that I'm just a gay, standing in front of a hot piece, asking it to rub him. Never mind that Danny's stupid ass hat should be lost on a three-hour tour, dude is as ripped as my ear drums whenever Julia lets out one of her soul-sucking cackles. Dumping your knocked up wife for a multimillionaire movie star does a body good.
But then again, we'd all have a plate of muscle biscuits on our stomachs if we were always around Julia. Just thinking of her laugh is making my gut clench and my no-no slam shut like Richard Gere's jooree box.
Here's more of Julia, Danny and one of their kids on a beach in Hawaii yesterday. You can tell that Julia is one of those rich bohemian moms by the way she's helping her kid do some Robinson Crusoe shit by making a beach fort out of tree branches and $500 scarves from Barney's. If I forgot to bring a plastic umbrella to the beach, my abuelita would've handed me a magazine and threw me a look that says ".....and you better not cry when I have to rub your sunburn with an aloe vera leaf I'm going to steal from the neighbor's front yard."
There has been a blind item or two suggesting that Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem did some Fuck Cum Hump shit during and after they shot Eat Pray Love together, and now that rumor is chipping at the Elmer's Glue that holds her marriage to that Danny Moder dude together. The rumor really sort of took off when Julia slobbered like a horny Mastiff while saying that if Javier doesn't get an Oscar nomination for Biutiful, then we should all just go to bed.
Yes, because we all know that if you praise someone in public, it means that you've had their sex fluids on several parts of your body at least a few times. Your vagina is doing the talking while your face mouth is just moving. Yes, that's how it works. While Julia was talking about Javier winning the Oscar, she thought about the time she painted his peen gold and then held it while giving an acceptance speech. That happened, obviously. And that's what Julia's husband Danny is starting to think.
A source (aka an intern who's into horse and German Shepard porn) tells The National Enquirer (via SS) that Danny is sniffing Julia's mouth for the spicy scent of hot picante Spanish chorizo. The source yanks all of our dicks while saying, “There’s talk around Hollywood that the reason Julia’s singing Javier’s praises so much is because they hooked up. I’m sure Danny can’t help wondering if where there’s smoke, there’s fire! Behind closed doors, all is not well. The fire between Julia and Danny has seemed to have cooled. I think Javier came along and provided a fun distraction. Now the strain of battling the crazy rumors about her and Javier is pushing Julia and Danny to their breaking point.”
Penelope Cruz doesn't need to drop her baby and pick up a shank to cut a ho. Julia and Javier are not fucking. Not today. Not ever. Yes, Javier is giving Julia sex eyes in the picture above, but it's not what you think. Javier isn't imagining licking on her teeth in a private room. No. Javier is wishing he had Chiclets like Julia's since his original baby teeth never fell out. Javier wishes that his laugh could spook a snake.
This is Julia Roberts in Lancome's ad for their new Définicils (pronounced "Full of Shit") Precious Cells Mascara. Not only does this mascara magically make your eyelids grow long synthetic lashes made out of broom bristles, but it also causes your pores to seep out mannequin wax which covers your entire face. Don't ask me why her lips look like two leeches spooning. One of Lancome's other products must have caused that.
Oh, and you know how I wrote "This is Julia Roberts"? Well, I take that back, because this could be Eric Roberts in a wig for all we fucking know.
If you're like me then you usually pray for sex (or "love" as some call it), get sex and then eat afterwards because an orgasm usually brings on the munchies. So shouldn't the title of the book be Pray, Love, Eat instead of Eat, Pray, Love? Yes, it should.
Anyways, above is the trailer for the Fuck, Eat, Shit movie starring Julia Roberts as some co-dependent lady who runs off to foreign lands to find herself. Just call it Under the (fill in the name of a foreign country here) Sun. Of course there's a scene where Julia Roberts is battling with her jeans. Why are women in movies always torturing their jeans?! Bitch, just get new jeans. Old Navy is having a special.
Oh, and Julia Roberts' character needs to pull up a chair, because Charlene has something to tell her:
At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!
I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!
And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.
Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.
If you're going to attend, watch or even think about the Golden Globes, then it's best if you do it with the sweet nectar running through your veins. Julia Roberts knew this, so that's why she did body shots off of herself in the limo on the way to Golden Globes. And THANK ANDRE she did.
While talking to Billy Bush on the red carpet, Julia Roberts started her drunk act by giving a shout out to Michelle Obama. I'm sure Julia also sent Michelle a Balloon-O-Gram during homeroom.
Since butt fucking NBC with a hot curling iron was the theme of the evening, Julia gave them a hard thrust when she said, "NBC, you guys are in the toilet!" HA. That drunk bitch. When Julia was slumped over the toilet at the end of the night, I hope she was polite enough to ask the peacock to move over a bit before she barfed the booze up.
And finally, Julia ended her boozy serenade by asking Billy, "Who's Natalie?!" That was actually one of the realest things that came out of Julia's Boones Farm-scented mouth, because I don't think Natalie even knows who Natalie it.