Matthew McConagay

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo's veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here's more of JLo wearing one of Liberace's old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he's been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.

JLo's injured foot had a miraculous recovery and she was able to compete in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon today. And she actually finished! People reports that JLo finished a half mile swim, 18-mile bike and a 4-mile run in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

While JLo was running her ass off, I was drinking Mimosas and filling my fat mouth with stuffed french toast. Hmm...maybe I should get off my lazy ass and do a push-up or something. Ugh. Even the thought makes me sweat, which is probably making my body burn some calories, right? I'll just think about working out and it'll make me burn calories. Brilliant!

When JLo's mega ass crossed the finished line, she told the crowd, "I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and hopefully it'll go to good use."

Matthew McConaughey also competed in the triathlon. He did it in 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44.7 seconds. Damn. It's the power of the bong!

I seriously wish I was there today. I would've tracked JLo like a wolf watching his prey. I just know this bitch got a double to do the hard shit! She was probably sitting in some trailer, with her white candles, sipping on champagne and getting her make-up done to look all natural and "flushed." Then she got out of her chair, lightly jogged across the finish line and took all the glory! The truth will be revealed soon! And by "soon" I mean in 20 years when the Dragon Tales Twins write a tell-all.

It's nice to hear that crazy runs through the veins of the entire McConaughey family. I'm sure they also share the same bong too. In her new book called "I Amaze Myself," Kay McConaughey confirms she's related to Matthew by giving us way too much information.

In one section, Kay writes that her husband died doing sexy times with her. She writes, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing But it was just the best way to go!”

When the paramedics arrived and couldn't revive him, she didn't bother covering up his nekkid body. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift." This horny memaw is my kind of people.

She also admits that Matthew was a "happy accident." After she married Jim for a third time (!!!), Kay didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. “I was deciding, ‘Do I want to have another baby? Do I want to have an affair? Or go back to school? That’s when Matthew was conceived. We had tried for 16 years and no baby. So Matthew was a big surprise!”

I need to find a way to marry into this family. They must be smoking some of the serious good shit. Take note, White Oprah. This is how a celebrity's mother should talk to the media!

VIA UsWeekly

I've always wanted to see Robert Downey Jr. with a moustache, but this isn't what I had in mind. Usually a moustache can make a dude look like an evil child toucher or a porn star from the 70s. RDJ looks more like the latter. Personally, I'm into it. It's looks like one of those furry, black catepillars lounging on his lip. RDJ wore his furry friend to the "Tropic Thunder" premiere last night where he was joined by his wifey.

Matthew McConaughey also tore himself away from his double bong to show up to the premiere. Thankfully, he left Levi Strauss at home. It's also a good thing that he kept his sunglasses on. Bloodshot stoner eyes never look good in pictures.

Also, I just looked up the cast of this Tropic Thunder shit on IMDB and it says Tyra Banks plays herself in it! Why the hell wasn't she at the premiere?! Shit, why wasn't the premiere held on her show?! Hell, why wasn't it called "Tyra Thunder" instead?!

And Levi's probably already hitting the bong too. I mean, look how fucking baked his daddy is in the picture above. Matthew McConaughey looks mega stoned in all of these pictures! It looks like he's sweating bong water.

He basically confirmed he was operating on smoke when he explained why they brought Levi Strauss out, "Levi was gonna stay home, but then he said, 'Dad, mom, I wanna go support mom's purses!'" He's not joking either. He really heard Levi say that. Actually, Matthew probably heard his bongo drum say it, but figured Levi channeled his thoughts to it.

The Bong Master said they take Levi everywhere. They even took him to a John Mellencamp concert. He said Levi is "equipped to be around the sights and sounds of people." Have they checked on Levi since then? He's probably deaf now. That probably wouldn't bother Matthew. He'd just say, "Awww. He'll be alright. Just give him a little weeeeeeeeeeeed."

Matthew kept the stoner talk going when he talked about how they kept the placenta and umbilical cord for some kind of Australian aboriginal custom.

He said, "They had a placenta tree that was on the river, and it was for the women, and it was the most fertile land and fertile river. And all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan ... went under that one tree, and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. And this tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

I just have four words for Matthew: PASS. ME. YOUR. BONG.

Here's Matthew and Camila at the launch of her handbag collection last night.

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves took Baby Levi Strauss for a walk yesterday in Malibu. You're probably assuming that Baby Levi is in that stroller. You know he isn't. He's probably in that bucket, because Matthew thought it would be "totally rad" to carry him that way. He saw it in "National Geographic" or something. Matthew's bongo and his bong are riding safely in the baby stroller.

Camila looks pretty hot for just having a baby. I'm assuming that bitch had the works after she gave birth. Every Hollywood bitch probably gets it. The doctors don't even ask anymore. As soon as baby pops out, they bring in the wet vac and make it all right again.

Matthew also went for a walk later in the day with Baby Levi Strauss and a "friend." GAY! And how can Matthew have two baby strollers? They can fit both of those things in his trailer home?

Little Baby Levi is already awesome. While he was in the womb, Matthew McConaughey probably taught him how to make a bong with his umbilical cord. That way he can get an early start. The minute I saw Baby Levi on OK! Magazine, "Because I Got High" started playing in my head. He looks baked! Awww...I was about his age when I had my first joint too. Memories.

Matthew also talked about finding out the sex of their baby in the delivery room, "I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila]. It was neat to find out what the sex was because we didn't have the doctor tell us beforehand. I've pulled out some baby pictures of myself, and the resemblance is amazing. This kid has a lot to learn from us. I want him to come out being a little wiser, a little cooler and a little happier than we are."

Don't worry Matthew, he's already cooler than you.

I've talked a lot about Rooster McConaughey and his son, Miller Lyte, but I've never seen a picture of the poor kid. Well, here he is. What in Carrot Bottom hell did they do to Miller Lyte's hair? They totally used leftover Easter egg dye and mashed up carrots to make his hair look like that. They were paying homage to their hero, Ronald McDonald.

Miller Lyte may look like a happy child now, but wait until he grows up and becomes a Bud Light kind of boy. He's going to take the family shotgun off the wall and chase his Rooster all around the trailer park.

This is what pisses me off about Matthew. His brother's nickname is Rooster and his nephew's birth name is Miller Lyte, but he names his son Levi? The McConaughey family should disown his ass for that.

Source

Thanks Megan

Who knew mega stoner Matthew McConaughey was the type to whore out his baby for millions of dollars? He obviously is the type, because TMZ reports that OK! Magazine beat out People for the first photos of Wrangler Jeans or whatever the hell that baby's name is.

OK! will coughed up 3 million clams for the deal which also includes baby's first Christmas. He's not even a week old.

Hopefully, Matthew will take some of that cash and move his family out of the trailer park! I doubt Baby Chic Jeans really wants to sleep in a kitchen drawer. Oh shit! I said Chic Jeans. That was the hottest commercial ever:

Matthew McConaughey revealed to OK! Magazine that stoner baby's name is Levi Alves McConaughey. LAM(E)!!!! Little Levi doesn't have two last names. Alves is his middle name, because it's his mother's last name. I'm seriously disappointed. This is a fuck effort!

Matthew explained why they chose the name Levi, "Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in The Bible. They were, in fact, two names for the same person. Our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular time represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in The Bible: 'If thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light.'"

Seriously, I think I got contact high from reading his explanation. Bitch was hitting the bong hardcore. And "bitch please" at his explanation. The only bible he reads is the stoner's bible aka High Times magazine.

You know he named stoner baby after his favorite brand of jeans. Just like brother Rooster named his baby Miller Lyte after his favorite beer.

Matthew and Camila also released this statement:

"We welcome Levi Alves McConaughey into this wonderful life and look forward to living in it with him. In the mean time and all times, just keep livin'."
—Matthew David McConaughey and Camila Maria Saraiva de Araujo Alves

It's a cute and normal name, but I was expecting Matthew to deliver the fucking goods.

At least I can count on Rooster to bring the laughs. Rooster talked to People about his brother's first baby, "It's good to have a boy the first time 'round! You can get away with dropping 'em a couple times, and they'll still be okay. Can't really do that with a little girl.

Rooster has officially become my favorite McConaughey.