Matthew McConagay

Because your Facebook feed isn't already filled with a bunch of sappy bitches slobbering over how their pieces went to Jared and slipped an engagement ring on their finger over the Christmas holiday, here's another one to keep your heaves going. No, this isn't a picture of Blanket Jackson getting the life sucked out of him by a Dr. Evil on roids. It's everyone's favorite bongo-playing stoner Matthew McConaughey kissing on the mother of his 2 chirruns, Camila Alves, after proposing to her on Christmas Day. Today, the definition of "precious" is the image of Matthew getting down on one knee, pulling out a shiny marijuana leaf ring and trying to put it on Camila's finger with those tiny T-Rex arms of his. I bet bitch couldn't reach and had to use a grabber. Matthew Twatted this afterward:

Just asked camila to marry me, #MerryChristmas
26 Dec

Matthew and Camile have a 3-year-old son named Levi and an almost 2-year-old named Vida, so some whores are saying throwing these two a "WHY BOTHER?!" side-eye. But just because they already made two baby friends together doesn't mean they no longer have the right to ruin each other's lives by getting married! So I say, congratulations, and I also say, DAMN FUCK THAT'S A BIG ASS HEAD. It's almost like a Kardashian goiter.

via UsWeekly

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey's after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek's Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there's not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, "Cock-a-doodle-don't, mom!" But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don't, the fire blowing off of Kay's legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night's premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

Meanwhile, I've got two pairs of nipple warmers on, I've practically got a heating pad shoved into my ass crack and here's this motherfucker jogging and playing with his son in Malibu like he has no idea what cold feels like. THAT BITCH is totally teasing those of us who are living on Snow Miser's taint right now by wearing a beanie on his head. You know, because he has the choice and we don't. Or maybe he just doesn't want to burn his plugs. Whatever. I still can't be mad at Matthew McConaughey, because the world will stop spinning if he doesn't aim his bare nipples at the sun at least once a month.

Matthew McConaughey's natural scent of fermented armpit jelly, patchouli oil, weed smoke, taint fromage and sweat can never be masked, so I'm not sure why Dolce & Gabbana asked him to be the face of their new cologne. But they kept the fuckery going by using the "THINNING CURSE" tool on his head before cutting and pasting it onto the body of a svelte dandy with delicate hands that only touch silk. I mean, like Matthew's real arms are even long enough for him to touch his neck anyways. Bitch please!

The pose is way too "grab my smelling salts" for Matthew to pull off. Was Chace Crawford not available?

via ONTD

Outside of a restaurant in Milan the other night, Morgan Freeman just couldn't contain his desire to kiss and nipple-grab Matthew McConaughey. Git it, pepaw! Git on that bitch as if he was your step-granddaughter!

Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl's Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I'm not sure if I'm buying JLo's denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that's what those are!

But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn't screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It's obvious since she's the only one who isn't trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.

Here's more of JLo with Skeletor at last night's charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles' oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.

On his official website, Matthew McConaughey posted a picture of his now 3-week old daughter Vida Mita Vegiman Alves McConaughey. Matthew wrote on his site:

"Here's a pic of our latest family member Vida Alves McConaughey. Thanks for all your well wishes our way, the future's lookin bright, just keep livin, Matthew and Camila."

The picture was taken just a little while after she was evicted from her mother's womb. And guess what? Homegirl looks like a baby! A baby who sleeps more than a cat. Imagine that! Although, Vida could be sleeping so hard because she got a little contact high from her daddy. I mean, this is Matthew we're talking about. He shits pot brownies and coughs up weed shake.

And here's some pictures that will make you drop your bong. It's Matthew McConaughey COMPLETELY CLOTHED on a beach yesterday. The salty air was making a sad face, because it couldn't kiss Matthew's nipples. A non-topless Matthew walking on the beach is against the laws of nature.

Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named "Vida Alves McConaughey".... Vida is Portuguese for "life" and that's what God gave us this morning... Camila's recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family... thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he'll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

For being such a mega stoner, I would think that Matthew McConaughey spermies weren't in a rush to get back to work after making a baby with Camila Alves a few months ago. I would think they would just want to hang out on Camila's ovaries, shoot the shit, lay around and not even bother trying to break into one of those egg things. Too much work. But they have proven me wrong, because Camila is baking a baby! Yeah, isn't that sweet? Father and child are baking at the same time!

Matthew announced the news on his website (which is a bong hit in itself): "Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows and we thank you all for the well wishes you send our way. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin."

Viva la evolucion! Ha. Do I have to be fully stoned to understand that last sentence? If so, pass me a joint and light it up.

Anyway, congratulations to Matthew! It will be nice for him to have another human around all the time who has arms shorter than his own. When Matthew can't reach the syrup in the middle of the table, his new baby friend can look at him with eyes that say, "Sigh Neither can I." Matthew will never feel alone!

VIA People

Don't ask Matthew McConaughey to play "pin the peen on the chocha," because you could be there for a while. Matthew tells Elle Magazine, "From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time."

Jeezum! Matthew still doesn't know, does he? He still has to go in with a compass, a flashlight hat and a flare gun.

And don't even make the joke about Asians having horizontal slits! Do not! I'm half Asian and my no-no sits straight up! Sank you very much!

VIA OK! Magazine