Matthew McConagay

On his official website, Matthew McConaughey posted a picture of his now 3-week old daughter Vida Mita Vegiman Alves McConaughey. Matthew wrote on his site:

"Here's a pic of our latest family member Vida Alves McConaughey. Thanks for all your well wishes our way, the future's lookin bright, just keep livin, Matthew and Camila."

The picture was taken just a little while after she was evicted from her mother's womb. And guess what? Homegirl looks like a baby! A baby who sleeps more than a cat. Imagine that! Although, Vida could be sleeping so hard because she got a little contact high from her daddy. I mean, this is Matthew we're talking about. He shits pot brownies and coughs up weed shake.

And here's some pictures that will make you drop your bong. It's Matthew McConaughey COMPLETELY CLOTHED on a beach yesterday. The salty air was making a sad face, because it couldn't kiss Matthew's nipples. A non-topless Matthew walking on the beach is against the laws of nature.

Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named "Vida Alves McConaughey".... Vida is Portuguese for "life" and that's what God gave us this morning... Camila's recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family... thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he'll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

For being such a mega stoner, I would think that Matthew McConaughey spermies weren't in a rush to get back to work after making a baby with Camila Alves a few months ago. I would think they would just want to hang out on Camila's ovaries, shoot the shit, lay around and not even bother trying to break into one of those egg things. Too much work. But they have proven me wrong, because Camila is baking a baby! Yeah, isn't that sweet? Father and child are baking at the same time!

Matthew announced the news on his website (which is a bong hit in itself): "Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows and we thank you all for the well wishes you send our way. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin."

Viva la evolucion! Ha. Do I have to be fully stoned to understand that last sentence? If so, pass me a joint and light it up.

Anyway, congratulations to Matthew! It will be nice for him to have another human around all the time who has arms shorter than his own. When Matthew can't reach the syrup in the middle of the table, his new baby friend can look at him with eyes that say, "Sigh Neither can I." Matthew will never feel alone!

VIA People

Don't ask Matthew McConaughey to play "pin the peen on the chocha," because you could be there for a while. Matthew tells Elle Magazine, "From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time."

Jeezum! Matthew still doesn't know, does he? He still has to go in with a compass, a flashlight hat and a flare gun.

And don't even make the joke about Asians having horizontal slits! Do not! I'm half Asian and my no-no sits straight up! Sank you very much!

VIA OK! Magazine

Matthew McConaughey must be a fan of Nip/Tuck, because it looks like he was inspired by the auto-sucking episode.

Matthew was on the beach in Rio trying to give his peen friend a little tongue kiss. He would say he was just "stretching," but you know what he was up to. He just needed to get just a little bit closer and he easily could have slid his tongue right in between those dick lips and said "hello." Matthew just needs to get a fat friend to sit on his back and he'll get it. Besides, sucking his own dick is probably easier than jacking himself off. Those little T-Rex arms must have a hard time stretching all the way down there.

We've all tried to licky our own dicky. Don't lie. I stopped trying, because whenever I did go for it, I'd have the sudden urge to do pee times. And auto-golden-showers is not a sport I want to play.

Matthew McConaughey is at the beach....and he's wearing a shit (typo, but it stays). How is this even possible? I would think that the sea breezes would blow that shirt right off of his body. And if that didn't happen, the seagulls would tear it off him. This shit just looks so unnatural and wrong.

If I saw a laughing MiserAlba riding on a flying Spaghetti Cat through a rainbow coming out of Tommy Girl's ass, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Now that I've seen McConaughey wearing a shirt at the beach, anything is possible.

Below is McConaughey proving the impossible at the beach with his dog friend. I also added some pictures of Pamela Anderson wearing her signature loony bin scrubs for all the dirty snatch lovers out there.

Devoted mother and champion athlete JLo and Skeletor arrived to a Dolce & Gabbana party in Milan in a golden fucking carriage pulled by four white horses. They look like the tackiest vampires in Transylvania. Wait. Is there such a thing as a vampire with a big fat ass?

Other guests at the party also arrived by horse and carriage, but you know JLo made sure she picked out her carriage first. Those poor horses probably got the runs when they saw JLo and her life-support-needing husband.

I like JLo's veil, but you know what would have made it even better? If it was a few inches longer and made out of a paper bag.

Here's more of JLo wearing one of Liberace's old nightgowns last night. Matthew McConaughey was also at the party. It looks like he's been taking beauty tips from Zac Efron and Xtina.

JLo's injured foot had a miraculous recovery and she was able to compete in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon today. And she actually finished! People reports that JLo finished a half mile swim, 18-mile bike and a 4-mile run in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

While JLo was running her ass off, I was drinking Mimosas and filling my fat mouth with stuffed french toast. Hmm...maybe I should get off my lazy ass and do a push-up or something. Ugh. Even the thought makes me sweat, which is probably making my body burn some calories, right? I'll just think about working out and it'll make me burn calories. Brilliant!

When JLo's mega ass crossed the finished line, she told the crowd, "I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and hopefully it'll go to good use."

Matthew McConaughey also competed in the triathlon. He did it in 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44.7 seconds. Damn. It's the power of the bong!

I seriously wish I was there today. I would've tracked JLo like a wolf watching his prey. I just know this bitch got a double to do the hard shit! She was probably sitting in some trailer, with her white candles, sipping on champagne and getting her make-up done to look all natural and "flushed." Then she got out of her chair, lightly jogged across the finish line and took all the glory! The truth will be revealed soon! And by "soon" I mean in 20 years when the Dragon Tales Twins write a tell-all.

It's nice to hear that crazy runs through the veins of the entire McConaughey family. I'm sure they also share the same bong too. In her new book called "I Amaze Myself," Kay McConaughey confirms she's related to Matthew by giving us way too much information.

In one section, Kay writes that her husband died doing sexy times with her. She writes, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing But it was just the best way to go!”

When the paramedics arrived and couldn't revive him, she didn't bother covering up his nekkid body. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift." This horny memaw is my kind of people.

She also admits that Matthew was a "happy accident." After she married Jim for a third time (!!!), Kay didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. “I was deciding, ‘Do I want to have another baby? Do I want to have an affair? Or go back to school? That’s when Matthew was conceived. We had tried for 16 years and no baby. So Matthew was a big surprise!”

I need to find a way to marry into this family. They must be smoking some of the serious good shit. Take note, White Oprah. This is how a celebrity's mother should talk to the media!

VIA UsWeekly

I've always wanted to see Robert Downey Jr. with a moustache, but this isn't what I had in mind. Usually a moustache can make a dude look like an evil child toucher or a porn star from the 70s. RDJ looks more like the latter. Personally, I'm into it. It's looks like one of those furry, black catepillars lounging on his lip. RDJ wore his furry friend to the "Tropic Thunder" premiere last night where he was joined by his wifey.

Matthew McConaughey also tore himself away from his double bong to show up to the premiere. Thankfully, he left Levi Strauss at home. It's also a good thing that he kept his sunglasses on. Bloodshot stoner eyes never look good in pictures.

Also, I just looked up the cast of this Tropic Thunder shit on IMDB and it says Tyra Banks plays herself in it! Why the hell wasn't she at the premiere?! Shit, why wasn't the premiere held on her show?! Hell, why wasn't it called "Tyra Thunder" instead?!