Keanu Reeves

According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.

A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu's sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen's kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he's never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn't knock up that loon.

So this means we're not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would've made my whole life year month week to see Keanu's hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.

But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen's chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there's a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby's father. Get that money, Karen!

In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.

Source

A few months ago, 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario filed papers in a court claiming that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one of her four kids who are all now in their 20s. Karen asked the court to order Keanu to pay her loony ass $150,000 a month for child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Yes, CRAZY is a hell of a motherfucking drug.

I hadn't heard much from Karen since May, so I figured she got lost on the way to the crackhouse or she was busy writing love letters to murderers on death row (she seems like the type). Well, Karen is baaaaaaack and she's ready for the truth to be revealed! Karen told The Spec.com that she's happier than a methhead at Wino's house, because Keanu has agreed to submit his DNA for testing. Karen said, “It’s great news. Finally, we can get some closure on this. This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character, it’s about closure and getting some peace. This is a personal journey.”

Yeah, a personal journey to KeanuIsNotTheFatherVille - Population: Maury and YOU.

Keanu's publicist once again said that he claims he has never ever met Karen Sala, but wants to shut the door on the crazy, so he's willing to take the test to clear his name.

I'm sure if Keanu needs helping extracting the DNA from his peen hole, some of you whores out there will be willing to help him out in the name of JUSTICE. Just make sure you take a Terrence Howard-approved baby wipe to Keanu beforehand, unless you like butter on your sausage.

If Keanu turns out to be the father, I will adopt an Axolotl Salamander and name it Karen Reeves.

And how much do you want to make a bet that when it's revealed that Keanu didn't drop one in Karen, she will start claiming that she's the true mother of Blanket Jackson. Claire Cruise better sharpen her shank, because Karen is totally going to pull that shit.

When you're looking for a quick piece, most of us go to Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder, the bar at Howard Johnson's or a random alley. Not Cameron Diaz. That bitch just goes to her IMDB page and picks out which former co-star she's going to grease up! Cameron has already allegedly been through Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law. And now, The Sun is saying that Cameron was out on a date with everyone's favorite flea nest Keanu Reeves and she was trying to impress him with her hamburger swallowing skills. Sucioness.

A witness-type said, "They looked very cosy. Cameron was stuffing her burger in her mouth and playing up the fact that she has that wide mouth. Keanu was laughing - it was strange to see him giggling like that as he's regarded as a bit serious."

Yes, because a Pizza Face stuffing a mound of ground beef in her mouth is really going to make Keanu's dick butter sizzle. Unless the dude is into scat, that shit is not going to turn him on. And if Cameron wants to show off what a fatty fat fat mouth she has, all she has do to is say something.

Well, the adorable baby friend in the corner does have Keanu Reeves' mange and overcast eyes, so it's possibly possible!

This is 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario in Canada. Karen swears on her collection of crack pipes that Keanu Reeves is the father of her four adult children. Karen is asking the courts to force Keanu to submit a sample of his dick butter, so the truth can finally be revealed.

Krazy Karen claims she has known Keanu since she was 9 and he was 7. According to Krazy, she and Keanu busted nuts for years. Krazy and Keanu were even doing sessy times right before she got married to another dude. Krazy admits that she's a huge ho fo sho, so she's not exactly sure which one of her kids is related to Keanu. But she thinks one of her sons kind of looks like Keanu...... if you down a bottle of MD and do the Reeves squint (just imagine him trying to figure out what 17 minus 9 is) before looking at him.

Krazy also adds that when her kids were little, Keanu and his family would buy them gifts.

This is the best part of this whole thing. Krazy's kids are aged 20 to 25 and she's never been married to Keanu, but she still wants child AND spousal support! Krazy is asking for $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Why do I suspect that this whole plan was born during a 12-hour binge under a bridge somewhere after Krazy watched Johnny Mnemonic in the kitchen of her dealer's house.

Keanu's spokeswhore laughed until her pussy fell off and then released this statement: "Karen Sala's allegations are completely false and absurd. Mr. Reeves has no knowledge of who she is. Before you disparage my client and lend validity to this, there's clearly something wrong with someone who claims child support after all the kids have grown. I'm just pointing that out."

SPOILER ALERT: Maury says....Keanu is not the father, but an 8-ball is. Okay, I need to stop! Is that the face of a woman who would tell a lie? Okay, it is, but you can't hate on Krazy for trying! The price of cigarettes has gone up!

Source: The Star (Thanks Jennifer)

Let me just start by saying that I like Keanu Reeves' filthy ass. I'm sure his dick butter tastes like some gourmet shit, but I cannot condone his acting skills. I've seen more raw emotion resonating off of a used condom lying on the sidewalk. That is why I do not understand why someone actually thought it's a good idea to cast him as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a new movie. The stoner barely has one personality, let alone two!

The Hollywood Reporter says Keanu will star in a modern version of the novel The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde called Jekyll. They also said plot details are being kept under wraps. SPOILER ALERT! Keanu plays a dehydrated piece of broccoli who turns into a....dehydrated piece of broccoli. There's an OSCAH coming his way....

The producers of this soon-to-be wreck should put their coins into a much more highly-anticipated Dr. Jekyll project instead. I'm talking about a sequel to the epic masterpiece that is Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde! The world wants a Sean Young comeback!

Before using that title, I should've made sure Tommy Girl and Johnny Travolta didn't copyright that shit. That's the name of their annual summer picnic where Stepford Katie and Kelly Preston battle it out it for the title of Beard of the Year. Kelly always wins. She's got that shit down.

Anygivemeabrushsoicanmakethatbeardsofter, here's Adrien Brody and Keanu Reeves trying to out-beard each other at practice for the Celebrity Gran Prix in Long Beach, CA.

So who has the beardiest beard here? Keanu Reeves' beard looks a little too much like Vadge's sascrotch, so my gorgeous Afghan Hound Adrien Brody gets this one. Adrien looks like he prunes his pubic face bush regularly, because it doesn't climb to his cheeks.

I don't mind my nalgas getting gently exfoliated during a salad tossing, but Keanu's beard would scrape off my ass skin and that's not pleasant.

The poorest-looking rich person in Hollywood won some dumb lawsuit brought against him by a money-hungry pap who sued him for $704, 974. Alison Silva sued Keanu Reeves because while he was taking pictures of his homeless ass last March, he was hit by his Porsche. Alison claims his wrist is permanently fucked up and he couldn't work for a while.

During the four day long trial, the jurors heard Alison totally mess up his testimony by giving contradictory statements. Jurors were also shown a video of Alison using his effed up hand to climb a wire fence to get pictures of Our Lady of Cheetos. Keanu denied he hit Alison and said the pap was injured by tripping over his own feet while walking backwards. HA! Stupid pappie!

The jury was unanimous and it look them less than a day to decide.

If I was a juror on this extremely important case, I would only have two questions! #1: Why does the pap have a girly name? I bet his brothers are named Barbara and Karen. His sisters are John and Brian. #2: What does Keanu's beard have against him? It doesn't want to grow right! He obviously needs to be nicer to it.

Put on your sunglasses. Keanu Reeves is one bright bitch. He probably uses SPF: Bitch Don't Even Think Of Going Into The Sun. It is nice to see Keanu in the water though. Unfortunately, fleas and scabies can swim, but at least he's washing off some of his stank. You know that girl with him came out of the water dirtier than when she went in.

Keanu is also more interested in picking the street shit out of his fingernails than looking at his topless friend.

Oh and to answer my own question, DUH! I'd have to apply oven cleaner to my skin after fucking with filthy ass Keanu, but it would be worth it.

Here's Keanu with topless friend on the French Riviera today.

Star Magazine reports that Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder are a new couple. They're good together. They are both responsible for pretty much ruining "Bram Stoker's Dracula" with their wooden chemistry. Hopefully, their dates will consist of acting classes and colonics.

The original Wino and Keanu are currently filming "The Privates Lives of Pippa Lee" together. A source said they are always in each other's trailers. The source went on to say, "They are also always hugging on the set. The chemistry is really electric." Electric? In their pretty, little dreams. There's nothing electric about two pieces of wet wood.

OG Wino has also been spending time at Keanu's NYC apartment during breaks in filming.

They belong together. Keanu lives like a homeless person, so at least he doesn't have to worry about her stealing anything. Unless he wants her to steal his heart. Awwww. BARF! Donkey punch me if I ever get that sappy again.

No, that's not Diablo Cody with Keanu Reeves. It's his sister, Kim. Kim and Keanu! Get it? Me neither.

Keanu was obviously forced to bathe, shave and put on clean shoes to the premiere of "Street Kings" last night in Los Angeles. His people didn't think it was appropriate for him to be stinking up his own premiere.

There's something false about a clean Keanu Reeves. He should have mud on his face or possibly a tumbleweed on his head. Something! I like my Keanu with a little dick Pâté and a lot of ass jelly. It's just my taste.

Here's some other people at last night's shindig. There's a little Chris Evans and a little Minnie Driver. She's knocked up. Remember?