Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves gently pushed out a subtle smile over the weekend to promote his movie Henry's Crime at the International Film Festival of Marrakech in Morocco. Keanu is 46 years old and his face skin is still as smooth as a Ken Doll's crotch. Either Keanu is on that Nicole Kidman stuff, or hapa don't crack! It's the latter. Hapa don't crack.

Keanu was probably in the middle of shaving off his beard when he got distracted by the sweet scent of a cupcake and dropped his razor to frown at it, but it works for me. It sort of looks like the furry outline of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Keanu Reeves really is the gift that keeps on giving. When he's not entertaining us by being sad, he's entertaining us by being happy. When he's not entertaining us by being happy, he's entertaining us by breaking important laws. When he's not entertaining us by breaking important laws, he's entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake. And when he's not entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake, he's entertaining us by doing Tai Chi in a shady part of NOWHERE in Los Angeles. THE FUCK?

At least I think he's doing a totally random session of Tai Chi, but he could also be doing something usually found deep in the mind of M. Night Shyamalan, or maybe he's invisible fishing?

Trying to bring out raw emotion in a movie is obviously not Keanu's true calling. Reinventing memes is!

Keanu Reeves was honored with an excellence in acting award (by a group of people who obviously haven't seen his work in Dracula.... or.... Little Buddha.... or Much Ado About Nothing.... or A Walk in the Clouds) at the Woodstock Film Festival, and Vulture used the opportunity to ask him if he was aware that he's the star of the internet meme "Sad Keanu."

Keanu said that his publicist has sort of told him about it, but he didn't know that there are thousands upon thousands of Photoshopped pictures of him looking sad next to everything from Forrest Gump to crying Dawson. The rest of their conversation went like this:

Seriously, though, this is one of the reasons I think one of the big appeals of you as an actor is that people are always straining to figure out what's on your mind, what you're thinking, why you're sad … There's thousands of people doing this.
Wow. So, what, now they're putting me next to other objects?

Yes! For instance, right now I'm looking at you in some Banksy graffiti, you next to a panda.
That's so funny.

You with a cheerleader, but you don't notice her …
Oh, that's funny. So they like take paparazzi pictures and re-contextualize them? Funny.

Exactly.
Well, it sounds like harmless, good clean fun.

What do you make of how your fandom is changing?
I don't know, I haven't seen it. That one, well, I guess, though, when you think of how bad that stuff can go, that sounds like a pretty good clean fun one to have happening.

Given the options …
Yeah, I haven't seen them. But given the scope and scale of what can happen out there, that sounds like an all right one. It sounds conceptually funny. [Laughs.]

But when Sad Keanu laughed, he still managed to do it while frowning with his eyes and crying with his mouth.

And I hope this means that Keanu isn't going to start smiling more. Every time Keanu makes a sadface, a happy John Denver song mysteriously shows up on someone's iTunes library to keep the world's emotions even and that's a good thing. The world needs more John Denver...and Sad Keanu.

(Image by iwanttorentawombat)

Who frowns at an innocent and sweet cupcake? Who stares at a cupcake as though it's the reason why their urethra is swollen to the point where the jizz just dribbles out? Who looks down at a cupcake like it's the cause of that annoying ass mosquito buzzing in their ear in the middle of the night and waking them up? KEANU REEVES DOES! Frowning at a cupcake is like frowning at a bowl full of kittens.

It's as if Mel Gibson and White Oprah simultaneously queefed on his cupcake. If something as perfect as a cupcake can't cure Keanu of the chronic sads, then what can?!

In his defense, Keanu is shooting some move called Generation Um, so it's possible that his character is the one who feels nothing when faced with a sugary cake of happiness. But Keanu makes it look so real. STAINS is still putting him on notice.

The saddest and loneliest hobo on the Internet is no longer the saddest and loneliest hobo on the Internet. Well, not today anyways. Keanu Reeves and a friend made smiles at each other outside of a Starbucks in Toronto this afternoon. Now I know how my mom felt on my 103rd day of preschool when I told her that I finally had met another kid who didn't throw his banana slices at my face when I tried to talk to him (okay, I told her this a couple of weeks ago).

And while some of you might be happy to see that Keanu is actually smiling with his mouth, I'm more excited to see him sitting like a classy lady should!

The saddest and loneliest hapa hobo in all the land smoked a ciggie, drank some coffee and had a funny conversation with his phantom friends (who are made out of air and smog) in a parking lot in NYC today. And Keanu did all of this in front of 3 NO LOITERING signs. Whoever put up those signs was triple serious about NO LOITERING shit, but Keanu is doing it anyways. I swear, celebwhores get away with everything! Someone should've CITIZEN ARRESTED his ass. Or maybe they just felt sorry for Keanu the same way the whole internet has for months.

STONER LOVE ALERT! Maybe.

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves, who did acting stuff together in The Devil's Advocate and that Dying Young knock-off, gave each other hugs and kisses after leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. At one point while they were waiting for their cars, Charlize slipped her hand in Keanu's jacket. Oh, I'm sure bitch was just trying to steal his wallet or snatch his last joint. It doesn't mean anything.

Even this video from TMZ of Charlize and Keanu hugging and kissing doesn't prove that they are High Times Magazine's IT couple of the year. Eating a pot brownie in the bathroom of a restaurant will cause you to hug anything from a fire extinguisher to a Bush to a hobo wearing a scarf (aka Keanu Reeves).

Meanwhile in a crazy house somewhere in Canada, Karen Sala is gnawing on her straitjacket in between screaming about how Shape-Shifter Keanu Reeves has struck again!

Remember Karen Sala, the Crazy McCrazanadian who swore on her straitjacket that Keanu Reeves was the biological father of her four adult children? Even after Maury Povich gave Keanu the thumbs up and declared that he wasn't the father, Karen still shouted from the top of the trash heap in her kitchen (she strikes me as the Hoarders type) that his sperm and her egg made several baby omelets.

And Karen has a case for herself! Karen dragged Keanu's lawyers back to court and offered up these three AMAZING reasons for why his DNA didn't match up. It's like if Alan Ball wrote a storyline for Days of Our Lives.

From E! Online:

Claim No. 1: Keanu Reeves knows hypnosis.
Sala had a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Reeves managed to pass the DNA test: He used hypnosis to tamper with the results. So convinced is she of the cheating tactic, Sala requested that Reeves be made to undergo a second round of tests, to which the actor's lawyer unsurprisingly refused.

Claim No. 2: Keanu Reeves is a master of disguise.
According to Sala, the actor has used both hypnosis and an apparent mastery of shape-shifting to pass himself off as different people, including Sala's ex-husband. As for why Reeves would do such a thing? Why, in order to secretly cohabitate with Sala and be present at the births of her children, of course.

Sala, however, refuses to accept the possibility that it may actually have been her ex-husband, not the A-list actor, with whom she shared a home. She also refuses to produce her children's birth certificates or have her ex, who is listed as the kids' father in their divorce proceedings, undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity.

Claim No. 3: Keanu Reeves is not Keanu Reeves.
Sala claims she has known the actor since she was 4 years old, alleging that he grew up just down the street from her. The hitch was, according to Sala, that back then Reeves was going by the name Marty Spencer (he wasn't). She claimed it was only years later that she connected them as the same man (they aren't).

"I didn't know he was Keanu Reeves," she said. "To me he was Marty Spencer."

It is with Spencer/Reeves that she claims she carried on a sexual relationship before, during and after her marriage.

WE'LL ALL HAVE WHAT KAREN SALA IS HAVING! TWO SERVINGS! Seriously, everyone put on your crazy suits and board the crazy train express bound for Crazyville!

I need to stop myself. Karen Sala is not crazy. Karen Sala is also not a money-grubbing famewhore. Karen Sala is more famous than Keanu Reeves, so why would she be after his fame or money? I mean, Karen Sala was the breakout star of one of the biggest movies in history: Lady and the Tramp:

Would Peg, the skanky dog who stole our hearts, ever tell a lie? I rest my case.

P.S. - The judge sided with Keanu and threw the case out. Boo on him. But this won't be the last of Karen/Peg!

According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.

A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu's sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen's kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he's never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn't knock up that loon.

So this means we're not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would've made my whole life year month week to see Keanu's hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.

But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen's chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there's a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby's father. Get that money, Karen!

In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.

Source

A few months ago, 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario filed papers in a court claiming that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one of her four kids who are all now in their 20s. Karen asked the court to order Keanu to pay her loony ass $150,000 a month for child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Yes, CRAZY is a hell of a motherfucking drug.

I hadn't heard much from Karen since May, so I figured she got lost on the way to the crackhouse or she was busy writing love letters to murderers on death row (she seems like the type). Well, Karen is baaaaaaack and she's ready for the truth to be revealed! Karen told The Spec.com that she's happier than a methhead at Wino's house, because Keanu has agreed to submit his DNA for testing. Karen said, “It’s great news. Finally, we can get some closure on this. This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character, it’s about closure and getting some peace. This is a personal journey.”

Yeah, a personal journey to KeanuIsNotTheFatherVille - Population: Maury and YOU.

Keanu's publicist once again said that he claims he has never ever met Karen Sala, but wants to shut the door on the crazy, so he's willing to take the test to clear his name.

I'm sure if Keanu needs helping extracting the DNA from his peen hole, some of you whores out there will be willing to help him out in the name of JUSTICE. Just make sure you take a Terrence Howard-approved baby wipe to Keanu beforehand, unless you like butter on your sausage.

If Keanu turns out to be the father, I will adopt an Axolotl Salamander and name it Karen Reeves.

And how much do you want to make a bet that when it's revealed that Keanu didn't drop one in Karen, she will start claiming that she's the true mother of Blanket Jackson. Claire Cruise better sharpen her shank, because Karen is totally going to pull that shit.