Heather Locklear

You know, if Heather Locklear went back to that look above, all her problems would go away. That right there is sheer glamour. Actually, I think her hair is still kind of like that.

People reports that Heather has completed four weeks of treatment for anxiety and depression. Friends told People that she spent her time at the Arizona facility riding horses, getting spa treatments and hanging out with herself. That's called a fucking vacation. A really nice vacation. A really nice and expensive vacation.

One of Heather's friends said that she's doing much better, "She told a really funny story and she laughed from her core. That's when I knew she was going to be fine. I think that's the best part of all – it's so nice to hear her laugh." The joke probably involved Denise Richards' weepy snatch, an otter and a few dozen truckers. And when the friend said "she laughed from her core," does that mean she laughed so hard she pooped herself? I do that all the time.

Welcome back, Heather! It's time to get back to work. And I'm talking about a "Melrose Place" spin-off! If they can do it with "90210," they can do it with MP!

People reports that Heather Locklear has checked herself into a facility in Arizona to treat psychological issues.

Her rep said, "Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment. This is a confidential medical matter and no further statement will be released."

Heather started taking meds in 2006 after she divorced Richie Sambora. This past March, a friend called 911 because they were afraid Heather was suicidal.

Denise Richards, this is your fault. I blame you.

There's a soft spot in my charcoal heart for the robot call girl known as Denise Richards, but Heather Locklear is like family to me. Sammy Jo and Amanda Woodward helped raise me and they both taught me what really matters in this world: sex, money and power.

Feel better, Heather! Oh and stay out of the sun! Isn't it like ten million degrees in Arizona today? And Denise, go bury your head in pig caca!

If Robert Buckley wanted me to eat the jam from his toes, I would grab a box of Ritz crackers, a cheese knife and I would go to town. A dude with a body like that could only mean one thing....pencil peen! There has to be something physically wrong with me. That's ok, I can put quadruple up on condoms. It will add girth.

You may know Robert from "Lipstick Jungle," but I know this whore from that diarrhea show called "Fashion House." My TV hasn't fully recovered from me licking the screen every time he came on. Seriously, have you ever licked a TV screen? It shocks a little bit. I kind of like it.

Anyway, Robert is currently shooting "Flirting with 40" in Hawaii with Heather Locklear. Here's the walking fuck machine talking to Heather and Jack Wagner on set today. Even Jack wants to lick that shit.

Hisssssssss! Hissssss! This picture of Heather Locklear makes me want to say crawl under my bed, say 10 Hail Marys and hold on to my Garfield doll until it's all over. Actually, she sort of looks like Garfield in this picture.

When I first scanned by this picture, I thought it was Jocelyn Wildenstein screaming in pain from the sun melting her plastic face. Unfortunately, it's not a picture of Jocelyn. It's Heather shooting some movie in Hawaii. I need to go wash this image from my brain by watching clips of her as Sammy Jo in "Dynasty" over and over again.

I don't want to believe that Heather is capable of this kind of fugliness. Let's forget we ever saw this. We mustn't speak about it ever again. Put it in the closet, lock the door and throw away the key!

Heather Mills is not done fighting. Doesn't this bitch ever get tired? Fuck! Somebody slip an Ambien in this woman's haterade, because she needs a nap. Anyway, Heather is making plans to return to court in a bid to have her gag order lifted.

Heather is pissed that the judge's 58-page verdict was released and she can't say anything about it, because the hearing was covered by a confidentiality agreement. The judge basically painted her as a crazy ass gold digger. The truth fucking stings like Paris Hilton's cooze.

Heather's lawyer told the Daily Star, “Heather is very frustrated. She feels that it’s very unfair that the judgment should be printed in full when she cannot defend herself. She’s planning to apply to lift the ban. It was damning enough that the judge made his judgment so clear and vividly – no-one deserves that. It’s like a prolonged hanging for her.”

Heather could stand to make even more millions for media deals if the gag is lifted. The judge needs to gag this bitch permanently. It's for her own good, because it's making her insane.

Heather Mills must be possessed by the devil, because it's not normal for her to care so much. For some reason she really wants us all to know what a victim she is. Save it Heather! Get drunk, call a 1-900 number and spill your guts out to those bitches. They will really show you that they care.

Homegirl got her money and it's still not good enough. If I was her, I would be naked on a private beach drinking diamond water out of solid gold goblets with Yoko Ono.

And in other crazy bitch news, Heather is planning to fly first-class while her daughter flies coach! This is pretty hilarious, because last week Heather slammed Paul for doing the same thing. Oh Heather! Why stop at coach? Cargo is much cheaper! I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to give Heather any ideas.

TMZ reports that some bitch placed a 911 call claiming Heather Locklear was going to try and off herself. Amanda Woodward would never go down like that. The call was not made from Heather's house. The fire department and two paramedics were sent to Heather's Thousand Oaks home yesterday and quickly figured out Heather was fine. They checked out her out and found her to be responsive. They left 10 minutes later.

OH SHIT! I know who was behind this little prank. Allison fucking Parker! That bitch never got over the fact that Billy always wanted Amanda. Always! Get over it Allison! I knew that bitch wasn't as good as she pretended to be.

Over 10 years ago, Jack Wagner and Heather Locklear played lovers on "Melrose Place." It's taken them a long time to make their TV romance, real. The two showed up hand-in-hand to Jeffrey Katzenberg’s The Night Before on Saturday night. A witness said, “They looked very much like a couple - they seemed very comfortable together. They stayed close to each other during the party and they even left hand in hand.” Heather recently broke it off with David Spade. Amanda and Peter were probably my favorite couple on the show. I loved when he almost killed her ass on the operating table. They make a hot couple and this ho deserves someone hot. Source

Gabrielle Union has already been cast as Chardonnay Lane for the ABC pilot of "Football Wives." The pilot is an American remake of the hit UK soap "Footballers Wives" revolving around the wives of football players. A little faggy told me that ABC and producer Bryan Singer have begged Heather Locklear to play the lead wife, Tanya Turner. The character of Tanya Turner was played in the UK version to perfection by Zoe Lucker. Seriously, this is one of the greatest TV roles of all-time.

First of all, Heather is too old. The character of Tanya is in her late 20s. Second of all, Heather isn't good at playing crazy. If they cast Heather, this show will fail. The entire show is dependent on Tanya Turner. When the actress left the show during season 4, the ratings tanked and the show was cancelled. I know ABC loves Heather, but they need to leave her out of FB!

I was also told that the producers and network are thinking of changing the name to "The Wives." I also heard that Denise Richards auditioned for both the role of Tanya Turner and Chardonnay Lane. Will Heather take the role just to spite Denise?

The pilot is set to shoot very soon with Bryan Singer (X-Men) at the helm. God, I hope they don't eff up this classic.

Here's some typica Tanya Turner for those of you that don't know this hot piece.

Heather Locklear recently spent a Hawaiin holiday with the nastiness that is David Spade. Well, hopefully that little trip was to say goodbye for good. Heather may be dating the serious hotness that is Johnathan Schaech. I have been a fan of this hunk of hotness for years now. He used to be married to Christina Applegate, but that piece of tramp cheated on his ass and they divorced.

How could you cheat on this? Anyway, sources close to Heather claim the two are now secretly dating. They were seen the other night "canoodling" at a steakhouse in Thousand Oaks.

A source said, “She really likes him. It’s still in that fun, getting-to-know-each-other stage.”

Johnathan could use a little waxing, but a million times better than Spade. Heather seriously needs a little fire in her hole. I will say that David probably eats bagina like a champ. The fug ones always seem to be good at that, so I've heard!

Source