Heather Locklear

Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn't these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years?

A few days before Heather's overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack's dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn't want to press charges.

Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car.

According to Star's source, the drama didn't end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner's face was caused in self defense. "Heather didn't want to press charges, so she left."

So Jack showed up to Heather's house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin', she came back, she said she didn't want to press charges, Jack didn't say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star's source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess.

Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us.

Heather Locklear, seen above at the Lakers game on Tuesday night, was shuffled off in an ambulance to the hospital today after her sister freaked out and called 911. TMZ's story is that Heather found out the hard way that following a cocktail of pills with a sweet nectar chaser sometimes makes your insides weird out. Heather's sister was apparently afraid that she was trying to hurt herself and so she called for help. The Ventura County Sheriff's Department can't say why Heather is laid out on a hospital bed tonight, but they did say this to People:

"Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear's residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention."

Some source opened their mouth to Radar and said that Heather's still hurt in the heart about her break-up with Dr. Peter Burns and she's having a hard time getting over it. This is not how this episode is supposed to play out. Sammy Jo/Amanda Woodward is the one who should be stomping cracks into hearts and putting hos in the hospital, not the other way around. Somebody put Fallon and a horsey drinking pool in front of Heather, because drowning a rival will definitely make her feel better:

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner are rewriting history according to Aaron Spelling by NOT getting married before walking into the sunset together as the final Melrose Place credits roll. Heather and Jack made the 90s teenager in me put on a velvet choker (with a cameo charm, of course) and do the Rumpshaker after they announced three months ago that they are getting married. Then out of nowhere, Heather's spokeswhore came strolling out of their office, threw up their hands and casually said, "Look, they're not engaged anymore. Get over it." Just like that. JUST LIKE THAT. Can you believe that nonchalant shit?

No explanation. No "to be continued....." sign. No dramatic music which leads us to believe that this break-up is just part of their ultimate plan to fake their deaths and then run away to a deserted island so they can be together forever in peace. I'd even believe it if the rep told us that Heather and Jack were just sick of the "two balloons rubbing together" noise they made every time they kissed on each other's plastic faces. But nothing. Some of us have followed their love affair for OUR ENTIRE LIVES (I'm lying for dramatic effect) and this is how they treat us? This is how they treat their own family who they don't know and isn't really related to them by blood?

I would hate Jack Wagner, but I am not capable of doing so due to the simple fact that he did this once:

Heather on the other hand is no lady of my heart. Here's Heather at last night's Breaking Dawn premiere posing with her daughter like everything's just rainbow-farting peaches. THE AUDACITY!

Jack Wagner (on the right, I think) will be singing ALLL AAAAAAAAAH NEEEEED to Heather Lockler at the wedding altar really soon, because the two told People that they are getting married and will pay Michael Mancini $1 million to help them flee the country since she's wanted by the police for killing her almost rapist in high school. I'm not sure if the wedding will happen before or after Eve tries to turn them into gravel meat with her car. You know, I don't know my own blood type, but I know almost every damn Melrose Place plot line. Shit, I hope Eve and Sexi Lexi wrestle on top of a mound of Peter's ashes at some point during the wedding.

This will be Heather's third time wearing a ball and chain in the form of a wedding ring. It will be Jack's second.

Heather Locklear has looked like she's been pregnant in the cheeks with twins for a long time, but when did Jack Wagner no longer look like Jack Wagner? Did Heather's cheeks eat his eyelids? Now he sort of looks like Derek Hough's old lesbian auntie. Will somebody please tell Heather Locklear's cheeks to spit out Jack Wagner's eyelids so he can go back to looking like Jack Wagner.

I know how you like to keep up-to-fucking-date on the current (possibly staged) relationship status of Rachel Bilson (that girl you always have to Google to get a clue) and Hayden Christensen (that dude you always have to Google to get a clue), so here they are sunning their SANS FARDS faces in Barbados yesterday. It was just the usual. Hayden took his hairy nipple quiches for a dip and since they both have the personalities of a bowl of room temperature buttermilk salad dressing, Rachel decided to spice shit up by abducting a child from the beach. I'm sure they all had an exciting time staring at the wallpaper seams in their hotel room.

If you told me this was a sampler serving of Mariah Carey or Tiny Cottle staring into a stretch mirror, I wouldn't even reach for the power wash gun to spray the film of delusion off your eyes. Not at all. Because damn, in the picture above, Heather Locklear is giving me a vision of ???? It's like if Jennifer Aniston got Mimi's face transplanted over hers. Amanda Woodward née Sammy Jo Carrington must now be an expert at breathing through bandages, because she really went in for the Madge special and got a whole new younger face. Don't get me wrong, Heather is looking Sammy Jo hot, but I really hope she gave the baby an extra insulated pair of diapers before she ripped off its ass cheeks and sewed them onto her face. I'm all for beauty at any price, but not when it comes to a baby with a frozen bottom.

Here's more of Heather taking her new face out for a walk in NYC last night.

Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday morning (the above mug shot is from her DUI arrest in 2008) for murdering a no-parking sign with her car and then driving off without telling anyone. TMZ says that Heather's Tiger Woods moment happened at around 4 in the morning near her home in Ventura, CA. A neighbor who heard the crash reported that mess a few hours later.

After a short investigation, the cops confirmed that Heather's 2005 BMW was the murder weapon and damage to her car proved this. They arrested Heather for hitting and running. Since the charge is a misdemeanor, they didn't need to haul her ass down to the station (I love saying that shit). They just cited and released her.

Heather is currently on probation after she pleaded no contest to DUI and reckless driving charges back in 2008.

Now, let's not jump to conclusions and scream that Heather must have been driving under the influence of everything in her medicine cabinet. There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe that bitchy ass no-parking sign gave Heather all sorts of shade. It probably threatened to fuck her man, poison her make-up and steal her company. It's the Lexi Sterling of parking signs! I would've run over that cunt too!

Here's the teaser trailer for Amanda Woodward's long-awaited return to Melrose Place in two weeks. Personally, I'd rather the trailer feature Amanda pushing Asshole Simpson in front of a fast-moving bus driven by Dr. Kimberly Shaw, but this will do too.

And I really hope the writers explain why Amanda suddenly has a face like Billy the Puppet.

The new Melrose Place is lacking....well....EVERYTHING. What that shit needs is a genuine bitch in a power suit to stroll in there and slap some excitement into it. Well, first they need someone to slap Asshole Simpson, because bitch is always asleep at the acting wheel. Asshole's elbows play a more pivotal role in that show than she does. Those who watch this crap know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, back to the bitch at hand. UsWeekly says that Amanda Woodward will return to Melrose Place to beat ass and take names! Amanda will make her first appearance on the November 17th episode. Amanda needs to take a page out of Kimberly's crazybook and blow that BITCH up again, because they need to start over again.

The show's executive producers issued this statement: "Heather's involvement in the show is something we've been working on for some time as we couldn't imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character's inclusion."

Now that the light of Melrose Place has returned, maybe that show won't be so damn dark anymore. Like, literally dark. I know most of the new hos on that show are dim bulbs, but that shit is ridiculous! Seriously, turn a light on. Watching that mess makes me feel like I have cataracts.

Amanda Woodward was arrested this past weekend for driving while being wasted and it looks like she was set up! TMZ reports that a nosy hag who goes by the name of Jill Ishkanian is the bitch who snitched to the police and the paparazzi about Heather Locklear.

And Jill isn't just your normal dumb bitch snitch. Jill used to work for UsWeekly and was investigated by the FBI for allegedly hacking into the magazine's computer database to find celebrities after she left the joint.

Jill had been following Heather around Montecito while she was doing boring shit like going to the supermarket. Jill called 911 when she witnessed Amanda get into her car. Jill told the cops Heather was boozing even though she wasn't. DUH! Allison Parker is the one who loves the bottle.

Right after she reported Heather, Jill called the paparazzi to let them know what was about to go down. The rest is history.... Heather was arrested and later let go. The police say booze wasn't involved, but they are testing to see what Heather was on. She was probably just HIGH on life and Jill hates that!

Basically, Jill is working for someone who can't stand to see Heather happy! It makes her vagina scream, her eyeballs bulge and her mouth produce the word "CUNT." You know who I'm talking about: Denise Richards! I can smell her pig's shit all over this story. And to think that I was actually on her team and she goes on does this! Irv Richards is not going to be happy about it.

At least one good thing came out of this whole thing. We got this amazing mug shot of Heather looking forever glamorous. Seriously. This needs to be her next L'Oreal Paris ad. Because you're worth it!