SCANDAL

MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn't at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.

The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene's sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they're not working on charity shit together, they're working over each other's asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.

A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband's henchman give her lover thirty lashings.

It's obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there's cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn't Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what's the point of living if you're not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?

Here's Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.

When the news came out that wedding planner David Tutera of WE's My Fair Wedding filed legal papers to legally quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica and get full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate's womb right now, I knew shit was going to get messy and it has gotten really messy. Ryan brought David's love of whores into it and I love a scandal that involved man hookers.

TMZ says that two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to leased dick. Ryan claims that they went to a therapist and tried to make it work, but holding onto their relationship was kind of hard when David would come home smelling like random ass, cum and musky balls. David refused to get help for his sex addiction and wouldn't stop paying for dick.

Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins. Ryan says that David made $1 million a year and he made $0 a year, so he needs cash to live. Ryan also claims that David is the one who eventually ended things and it made him drown his sorrows in a whole lot of the sweet nectar. Getting dumped drove him to the edge, so he spent some time in rehab.

TMZ also found out that Ryan has been arrested once for DWI and once for being a drunken mess in the past 5 months.

Now, every time I watch My Fair Wedding, I'm going to think about how David probably bounced on some hooker dick in the bathroom of the reception hall during the ceremony. Whenever a bride asks David what that white stuff on his cheek is, he can no longer get away with saying that it's just a little wedding cake frosting.

And these two are going to be new parents to newborn twins. They're almost like the gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. PAGING, Denise Richards! You're going to need to take care of these twins too for a while.

Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate's nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:

"SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy."

Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha  Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn't punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.

There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen's corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn't not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn't be blamed. As for me, I'm on the side that isn't saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.

Why didn't I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he's an albino flamingo dancing in the wind.... Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he's free, he's going to let all his glitter out!

And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They're all like that!

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe's 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee's mother,  Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn't keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:

“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”

And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.

I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter's titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn't thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica's tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter's chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that's the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)

If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can't wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he's got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he's just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!

In case you haven't looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn't resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she's trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart's people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People's "source" said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

"Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn't having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn't have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She's a good person who just made a bad choice."

They should've just said that Kristen's lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that's why her mouth was on Rupert's mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what's going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew's contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.

Zhang Ziyi is an international film star who starred in dozens of movies including Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers and of course the crowning achievement in her career: Rush Hour 2. But if these reports are true, Zhang Ziyi will best be known as the greatest and most lucrative pussy peddler who ever lived. I know you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, aren't the Kuntrashians the biggest whores in history?" They might be the biggest, but they aren't the best. Do they have a top shelf pussy that has a $1 million price tag on it? Pimp Mama Kris and her bottom shelf heffa whores can stay down as Zhang Ziyi's Fortune 500 coochie queefs diamond dust at them from the top.

Yahoo! Singapore says that there are several reports in China that claim 33-year-old Zhang Ziyi was forced to cancel an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her new movie Dangerous Liaisons, because the Chinese government refused to let her walk out the exit door while they investigate the two-person prostitution ring she was allegedly involved in. The reports claim that Bo Xilai, China's former Minister of Commerce, handed over almost $950,000 to get down with Zhang Ziyi for one night in 2007. Bo reportedly had sex with her 10 more times from 2007 to 2011. Every fuck time transition was allegedly arranged by businessman Xu Ming. Xu Ming was Zhang Ziyi's pimp and sold her five-star chocha to various rich and powerful men for at least $900,000 a pop.

Now here comes the part that makes Zhang Ziyi the J.P. Morgan of ho shit. One report claims that over the course of 10 years, Zhang Ziyi made 700 million yuan (US$110 million) from sexing on China's elite. My calculator tells me that if Zhang Ziyi charged $900,000 for one date, she only had to drop her 'gina on a john's peen 12 times a year. Zhang Ziyi is a true entrepreneur and I know I've said this before about everybody, but this time I really mean it. Zhang Ziyi is my HERO. That's if this is true, but Zhang Ziyi says it isn't.

Zhang Ziyi's rep issued a statement where they denied all of this and demanded an apology from the paper that opened up this scandal:

"We read this outrageous report in the Hong Kong's Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness. During the last month, Zhang Ziyi has been busy working day and night on the set of 'The Grandmasters.' Why should this devoted and responsible actress have to suffer this kind of slander and defamation? Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent.

But this time we don't want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth. This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we'll seek legal justice; we'll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. "

First of all, that was a really hot statement. Take note, American publicists, that's how you write an official response. Put some drama into it so people really pay attention. A statement should sound like it was written by a dude who used to write for the Batman comic books.

Second of all, these reports could be lies, but then again a true ho never tells. If it isn't true, I hope Zhang Ziyi sues the bitches responsible and collects $110 million. If it is true, then I better see Zhang Ziyi's vagina on Forbes' Celebrity 100 next year. Because people should pay homage to you when you make Demi Moore's Indecent Proposal character look like a common food stamps hooker. I mean, who wouldn't want to say, "Here's my account and routing number. I'll open my pussy as soon as my Swiss bank gives me the green light."

How do you say "escandalo" with a British accent? Escandaloooooooo? However you say it, there was a little bit of that at the BRIT Awards in London tonight after the crown jewel on England's tiara, Adele, was cut off for Blur and responded the way any refined lady would: by flipping a trick off. The Queen herself probably spit out the tobacco she was chewing and kicked her pumps off to whoop it up for Adele sticking a finger up to the man.

Just like she did at the Grammys, Adele won Album of the Year and was given exactly three seconds to thank everyone she needed to thank before she got cut the hell off for Blur's 11 minute-long performance. Adele quickly said that she'll see everyone next time before she scarred the innocent eyes of a million British children by doing this:

Adele told reporters afterward that she was throwing an erect "fuck you" at the suits and not her fans. Adele went on to explain, " I'm sorry if I offended anyone, it was the suits that offended me." The Sun says that before the show ended, Adele quit that bitch and "stormed" out of the arena. YAAASSS! Here I was thinking that Adele was this generation's Angela Lansbury and as sweet as a sugar cube dipped in honey, so I love it that she brought the diva tonight by sashaying out of there. But Adele should put some stank on that bird flip the next time she does it. That's the most charming "fuck you" I've ever seen. It was like watching an actual bird (that looks like this) flip. I kind of went "awww" inside when she did it.

Nearly 30 years after Natalie Wood (allegedly...DUN DUN DUN!) fell off of a boat and drowned to death in the middle of the night, the L.A. County Sheriff's Office has stared at the sunset twinkling in the ocean, felt the unsettling breeze of an unsolved mystery touching their ginger locks and slipped on their sunglasses right after saying that maybe just maybe she was MURDERED! (Obligatory justice scream here.)

The story goes that on November 29, 1981, Natalie Wood, her husband Robert Wagner and her Brainstorm co-star Christopher Walken were going wild and guzzling the sweet nectar on her yacht Splendour, which was docked at Catalina Island. Christopher and Robert started fighting over Natalie's career (Robert claimed Christopher argued that she should focus on making movies instead of her family) sometime before she tried to secure a dinghy boat that was knocking against the hull. Natalie slipped and went overboard. Natalie, who was 43 at the time, was found dead about a mile away from the yacht. It was officially ruled as an accident, but there's always been whispers about what really happened, because a witness claims she heard a woman screaming for help for 15 minutes straight. Robert told police that he never heard her screaming that night, but the witness claims she heard a male voice calmly saying "Take it easy, we'll be over to get you."

Natalie's sister Lana has always had a side-eye on Robert Wagner, because she doesn't believe his side of the story. Lana says Natalie would've never tried to mess with that dinghy boat, because water scared the fuck out of her and she never even went near a swimming pool. Lana has tried for years to get the Sheriff's Office to reopen the case as a homicide investigation, but she's been unsuccessful every time. TMZ says that a book about that night co-written by the boat's captain is the reason why the Sheriff's Office is taking a closer look at the case. The book came out in 2009, but its co-author Marti Rulli has been in touch with the Sheriff's Office ever since and has been giving them evidence to support the claims made in the book.

Splendour's captain, Dennis Davern, writes in the book that Natalie, Christopher and Robert were high on Quaaludes and several glasses of wine that night. The fun was killed when Robert blew up into a tornado of rage after seeing Natalie and Christopher talking closely. Robert smashed a bottle and screamed at Christopher, "What do you want to do, fuck my wife? Is that what you want?" Captain Davern says that Christopher went to his cabin and Natalie and Robert went to theirs. Captain Davern heard screaming coming from Natalie's cabin followed by a BOOM! Then the boat went silent. A few minutes later, Captain Davern went to the deck and Robert told him that Natalie was missing. Robert didn't want Captain Davern to call the Coast Guard and you know what happened next.

Captain Davern went on Today this morning and admitted to lying to police that night. Then he straight-up pointed at Robert Wagner as being responsible for Natalie's death.

A rep for Robert Wagner issued this statement about the captain's claims this morning:

"Although no one in the Wagner family has heard from the L.A. County Sheriff's Department about this matter, they fully support the efforts of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department and trust they will evaluate whether any new information relating to the death of Natalie Wood Wagner is valid, and that it comes from a credible source or sources other than those simply trying to profit from the 30-year anniversary of her tragic death."

WHAT TO BELIEVE?! Do we believe Christopher Walken who has eyes that look like they've seen a thousand murders and a face that looks like it's been scratched at by victims letting out their last breath? (I mean, you don't go through life as Christopher Walken without seeing at least one murder.) Do we believe Robert Wagner who got with Jill St. John shortly after his wife died? Or do we believe a boat captain who was played by Ernest P. Worrell on Today this morning? It's times like this that I wish the late great Robert Stack was here to narrate all of this and tell us how to feel.

With a golden child of infinite light who only eats canary diamonds and only wears baby wigs fronted with lace imported from France on the way, Jay-Z has to hustle harder for that money since the billions of dollars he has in the bank surely isn't enough. Jay-Z's lips are extra chapped today, because of all the heat his ass is getting for selling Occupy Wall Street t-shirts through Rocawear and donating a grand total of ZERO dollars to the movement. The Occupy Wallet Movement: That's how the 1% stays in the 1%!

The Wall Street Journal says that after many complained that Jay-Z is filling his pockets with money from a movement he didn't help to create, the t-shirts were pulled off of Rocawear's website. Before pulling the t-shirts, Rocawear confirmed to Gawker that they ain't giving shit to those OWS bitches:

The 'Occupy All Streets' T shirt was created in support of the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. 'Occupy All Streets' is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.

The most surprising thing about this is that Rocawear still exists (and yet Cross Colors only exists in Europe today, shame). The second most surprising thing about this is that Pimp Mama Kris didn't come up with it first. That sound you hear of a wet steak slowly sliding off of a wall is Pimp Mama Kris's new face falling off after she punched herself in the head over not coming up with this shit before Jay-Z.

The "While You're Locked Out Of The NBA, Okkupy Kardashian" t-shirt..... What could've been, what could've been....

Last week, Leighton Meester threw a lawsuit at her prison bitch mother Constance Meester (that's Connie the Con if you've ever used commissary soap as pussy lube) for trying to pull $10,000 a month out of her by saying they had a verbal contract. Yeah, some "our tongues shook on it" shit. Leighton also said in the documents that she gave Connie $7,500 a month and the money was supposed to be used to care for her sick younger brother, but her mom bought a new face (Botox, etc...) and new hair (weaves, etc....) instead.

Connie is now countersuing Leighton for some shit I swear she pulled out of White Oprah's ass. No, seriously. Connie went up to fellow pimp mom White Oprah and told her that Leighton is trying to cut her off. White Oprah calculated some things in her head and then shat out the solution: A COUNTERSUIT! Because the legal equivalent of a pimp smack is a countersuit.

E! Online says that Connie gave up her life so that Leighton could make it in the business that is show. Connie moved her family to New York for Gossip Girl and then moved them back to Los Angeles all for Leighton's career. Like any good pimp, Connie kept track of all the cash she put out for acting classes and private schools, and says Leighton owes her $230,000. Connie went even harder by saying that she's legally a "dependent adult" due to a medical condition and is eligible for parental support. Because Leighton stopped paying Connie's bills, her house fell into foreclosure and she doesn't have health insurance anymore.

Connie's son and Leighton brother recently had brain surgery to get rid of a tumor, and she claims her daughter is trying to turn him against her. Connie says that Leighton threatened to stop paying his medical bills if he didn't move to New York.

Finally, Connie is trying to paint Leighton as a crazy cunt beast who brought the prison yard to the living room when she attacked her mother with a bottle last December.

If White Oprah is a piece of work, then Connie the Con is a piece of art in The Museum of Shameless Whore Mothers. Basically, charging your own child for renting out your uterus and eating your food for 18 years is a genius move. Connie had no choice but to get plastic surgery since all those times she woke up in the middle of the night from Leighton's selfish baby screams fucked with her face. "Leighton owes her!" - every reasonable judge in America

Forget gold digging, get me on the "dependent adult" ticket. All I have to do is find a way to birth out a child, push said child out onto the ho stroll until they start bringing in the checks and then claim that due to some medical condition (concave anus, can't wipe myself, etc...) they have to pay my bills for the rest of their lives! If I wasn't allergic to -20 count thread sheets, I'd check into prison since you obviously learn the best cons there.