SCANDAL

Nearly 30 years after Natalie Wood (allegedly...DUN DUN DUN!) fell off of a boat and drowned to death in the middle of the night, the L.A. County Sheriff's Office has stared at the sunset twinkling in the ocean, felt the unsettling breeze of an unsolved mystery touching their ginger locks and slipped on their sunglasses right after saying that maybe just maybe she was MURDERED! (Obligatory justice scream here.)

The story goes that on November 29, 1981, Natalie Wood, her husband Robert Wagner and her Brainstorm co-star Christopher Walken were going wild and guzzling the sweet nectar on her yacht Splendour, which was docked at Catalina Island. Christopher and Robert started fighting over Natalie's career (Robert claimed Christopher argued that she should focus on making movies instead of her family) sometime before she tried to secure a dinghy boat that was knocking against the hull. Natalie slipped and went overboard. Natalie, who was 43 at the time, was found dead about a mile away from the yacht. It was officially ruled as an accident, but there's always been whispers about what really happened, because a witness claims she heard a woman screaming for help for 15 minutes straight. Robert told police that he never heard her screaming that night, but the witness claims she heard a male voice calmly saying "Take it easy, we'll be over to get you."

Natalie's sister Lana has always had a side-eye on Robert Wagner, because she doesn't believe his side of the story. Lana says Natalie would've never tried to mess with that dinghy boat, because water scared the fuck out of her and she never even went near a swimming pool. Lana has tried for years to get the Sheriff's Office to reopen the case as a homicide investigation, but she's been unsuccessful every time. TMZ says that a book about that night co-written by the boat's captain is the reason why the Sheriff's Office is taking a closer look at the case. The book came out in 2009, but its co-author Marti Rulli has been in touch with the Sheriff's Office ever since and has been giving them evidence to support the claims made in the book.

Splendour's captain, Dennis Davern, writes in the book that Natalie, Christopher and Robert were high on Quaaludes and several glasses of wine that night. The fun was killed when Robert blew up into a tornado of rage after seeing Natalie and Christopher talking closely. Robert smashed a bottle and screamed at Christopher, "What do you want to do, fuck my wife? Is that what you want?" Captain Davern says that Christopher went to his cabin and Natalie and Robert went to theirs. Captain Davern heard screaming coming from Natalie's cabin followed by a BOOM! Then the boat went silent. A few minutes later, Captain Davern went to the deck and Robert told him that Natalie was missing. Robert didn't want Captain Davern to call the Coast Guard and you know what happened next.

Captain Davern went on Today this morning and admitted to lying to police that night. Then he straight-up pointed at Robert Wagner as being responsible for Natalie's death.

A rep for Robert Wagner issued this statement about the captain's claims this morning:

"Although no one in the Wagner family has heard from the L.A. County Sheriff's Department about this matter, they fully support the efforts of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department and trust they will evaluate whether any new information relating to the death of Natalie Wood Wagner is valid, and that it comes from a credible source or sources other than those simply trying to profit from the 30-year anniversary of her tragic death."

WHAT TO BELIEVE?! Do we believe Christopher Walken who has eyes that look like they've seen a thousand murders and a face that looks like it's been scratched at by victims letting out their last breath? (I mean, you don't go through life as Christopher Walken without seeing at least one murder.) Do we believe Robert Wagner who got with Jill St. John shortly after his wife died? Or do we believe a boat captain who was played by Ernest P. Worrell on Today this morning? It's times like this that I wish the late great Robert Stack was here to narrate all of this and tell us how to feel.

With a golden child of infinite light who only eats canary diamonds and only wears baby wigs fronted with lace imported from France on the way, Jay-Z has to hustle harder for that money since the billions of dollars he has in the bank surely isn't enough. Jay-Z's lips are extra chapped today, because of all the heat his ass is getting for selling Occupy Wall Street t-shirts through Rocawear and donating a grand total of ZERO dollars to the movement. The Occupy Wallet Movement: That's how the 1% stays in the 1%!

The Wall Street Journal says that after many complained that Jay-Z is filling his pockets with money from a movement he didn't help to create, the t-shirts were pulled off of Rocawear's website. Before pulling the t-shirts, Rocawear confirmed to Gawker that they ain't giving shit to those OWS bitches:

The 'Occupy All Streets' T shirt was created in support of the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. 'Occupy All Streets' is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.

The most surprising thing about this is that Rocawear still exists (and yet Cross Colors only exists in Europe today, shame). The second most surprising thing about this is that Pimp Mama Kris didn't come up with it first. That sound you hear of a wet steak slowly sliding off of a wall is Pimp Mama Kris's new face falling off after she punched herself in the head over not coming up with this shit before Jay-Z.

The "While You're Locked Out Of The NBA, Okkupy Kardashian" t-shirt..... What could've been, what could've been....

Last week, Leighton Meester threw a lawsuit at her prison bitch mother Constance Meester (that's Connie the Con if you've ever used commissary soap as pussy lube) for trying to pull $10,000 a month out of her by saying they had a verbal contract. Yeah, some "our tongues shook on it" shit. Leighton also said in the documents that she gave Connie $7,500 a month and the money was supposed to be used to care for her sick younger brother, but her mom bought a new face (Botox, etc...) and new hair (weaves, etc....) instead.

Connie is now countersuing Leighton for some shit I swear she pulled out of White Oprah's ass. No, seriously. Connie went up to fellow pimp mom White Oprah and told her that Leighton is trying to cut her off. White Oprah calculated some things in her head and then shat out the solution: A COUNTERSUIT! Because the legal equivalent of a pimp smack is a countersuit.

E! Online says that Connie gave up her life so that Leighton could make it in the business that is show. Connie moved her family to New York for Gossip Girl and then moved them back to Los Angeles all for Leighton's career. Like any good pimp, Connie kept track of all the cash she put out for acting classes and private schools, and says Leighton owes her $230,000. Connie went even harder by saying that she's legally a "dependent adult" due to a medical condition and is eligible for parental support. Because Leighton stopped paying Connie's bills, her house fell into foreclosure and she doesn't have health insurance anymore.

Connie's son and Leighton brother recently had brain surgery to get rid of a tumor, and she claims her daughter is trying to turn him against her. Connie says that Leighton threatened to stop paying his medical bills if he didn't move to New York.

Finally, Connie is trying to paint Leighton as a crazy cunt beast who brought the prison yard to the living room when she attacked her mother with a bottle last December.

If White Oprah is a piece of work, then Connie the Con is a piece of art in The Museum of Shameless Whore Mothers. Basically, charging your own child for renting out your uterus and eating your food for 18 years is a genius move. Connie had no choice but to get plastic surgery since all those times she woke up in the middle of the night from Leighton's selfish baby screams fucked with her face. "Leighton owes her!" - every reasonable judge in America

Forget gold digging, get me on the "dependent adult" ticket. All I have to do is find a way to birth out a child, push said child out onto the ho stroll until they start bringing in the checks and then claim that due to some medical condition (concave anus, can't wipe myself, etc...) they have to pay my bills for the rest of their lives! If I wasn't allergic to -20 count thread sheets, I'd check into prison since you obviously learn the best cons there.

Bernie Madoff woke up singing THIS with a little morning wood this morning for the first time since he got little MaryJane Rottencrotch to sink her lemonade stand profits in to a LIFE CHANGING INVESTMENT!!!

Lady Dipshit sold tsunami relief bracelets for $5 stating all proceeds would go to the tsunami victims when in fact $3.99 went towards the shipping and handling (aka - her duct tape tuck fund).

Ari Kresch, some legal type fucker, teamed up with Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola and filed a lawsuit against Caca and her fluffers - Fulfillment House, Bravado International Group Merchandising Services, Universal Music Group, House of Gaga Publishing and Live Nation Merchandising, questioning the legitimacy (<-- SUCK IT STONEY!) of the charity... evidently sales tax being charged on a charitable item is frowned upon and a RED FLAG!!

You know fucking what, I would have been more willing to donate to a STFU bracelet sponsored by Chyna's clit and wouldn't have given two shits where the money went...

(Chyna's clit was not available for comment)

Two 30-something men were arrested outside of Joss Stone's house in England on Monday after police got a call about a "suspicious vehicle" trolling around the neighborhood. The suspicious vehicle was a Fiat. (Note: If you're going to partake in evil and shady schemes in a fancy neighborhood, don't do it in a Fiat.) When the police searched the vehicle, they found a bunch of shit that would make Kevin Costner's character in The Bodyguard SHUT IT DOWN and order everybody to a desolate cabin in the woods.

The cops found two swords, rope, a body bag, maps and aerial photos of Joss Stone's house. No, they were not planning on catching a wild turkey (with the rope), butchering it for a meal (with the two swords) and serving it to Joss on a waterproof picnic blanket (the body bag). Two swords, rope and a body bag can only mean one thing: MURDER PLOT! Did you read me, right? I typed: MURDER PLOT. This is the only acceptable reaction:

It is not known whether Joss was home at the time. The police wouldn't confirm the MURDER PLOT to BBC News but they are investigating it.

"Officers attended the area at around 1000 BST and subsequently arrested the occupants of a red Fiat Punto. Major crime detectives are continuing to investigate. Our officers are currently carrying out reassurance patrols and it's important to stress that no properties have been burgled and no individuals have been harmed."

Yes, I too read that as "Fiat Puto" and the images created by my brain will stay with me all day.

This is terrifying and Joss should surround herself with an army of Sean Beans, but TWO SWORDS? Who let the fanboys out of mom's basement? They do realize that Joss played Anne of Cleves in The Tudors and not Anne Boleyn?

Stay safe, Joss! And for once in your life, put on some damn shoes! Nike Airs, preferably. You can't outrun two sword-wielding crazies if your ass is barefoot! Now is not the time to be a hippie!

This past weekend at a show in Detroit, Lauryn Hill declared to the audience that she's taking a break from showing up 3 hours late to concerts to tend her 6th child who is currently leasing space in her womb. Most of us figured that Lauryn's boyfriend of forever and father of her 5 kids, Rohan Marley, was the one who blew her ovaries a testicle kiss full of semen. Rohan says that we would be wrong in assuming that.

Rohan sang every track on his new album The Misspermification of Lauryn Hill yesterday on Twitter and subtly denied with a creepy wink that he's not the daddy. Ro's Twitter denial has since been deleted, but Chron.com broke it down for us:

Soon after Lauryn Hill announced that she is pregnant with her sixth child, Rohan Marley took to Twitter to state that he was not the father (Maury Povich style!). Hip-Hop Wired tweeted a link to their story announcing Hill’s pregnancy. Soon after, a tweet from @RoMarley, replied, “2 things, I’m not married and I don’t have anyone expecting anything.”

The Rohan Marley Twitter account is verified, so we’re going to assume that it’s really him. As far as the baby not being his, a Clutch Magazine writer by the name of @BritniDWrites engaged him in further conversation. She tweeted to him, “so we are clear: 1) you’re not married to your ex-wife or Lauryn, and 2) she isn’t preggo w/your child, but someone else’s?”

His response was a vague, “That is correct until I say out of my mouth to the contrary.”

The writer replied, “Ok. I’ll take it. But you do realize that the ‘until I say something contrary’ addendum cast doubt on your statement.”

The last thing Marley tweeted her was, “trust me, the info out there is so incorrect for so many years…Thx for twitter. I check a few things.”

Was it White Oprah who said, "Lines aren't for reading between they're for snorting?"

Why doesn't Rohan just come out and say it. Typing "I AM NOT THE FATHER" is easier than typing a bunch of Scooby Snacks with no protein. Stop beating around my bush, Ro! (No, seriously, please don't beat around any of my bushes because I don't think prenatal vitamins mix well with morning whiskey.)

Rohan just sounds like a major asshole with dick that makes a bitch loopy. No wonder Lauryn went crazy. She squatted on the tip and she's never been the same since.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a secret love child over ten years ago when The Los Angeles Times started poking at his dangling baby batter bags (ugh) and asking all sorts of questions. There's a story going around today that Maria Shriver is the one who planted the seed in The L.A. Times that grew into Arnold's nightmare. TMZ says that when Arnold told Maria that he made a baby with their former maid, the glare of a lightning bolt illuminated her skeletal face, showing the look of malicious revenge in her eyes.

If my husband of a million years fucked a secret baby out of the maid and lied to me about it, I'd pay him back by spray painting the word WHORE all over his car right after I verbally assaulted him at his job. This is what most people would do. But the Kennedys are not most people. They hold press conferences! A source says that Maria wanted to pull the blanket off of Arnold's scandal during a press conference. Maria's people quickly talked her out of that idea and advised her to leak the story to the L.A. Times instead. Arnold apparently knows that it was Maria who threw up the jig.

I have now learned that Maria Shriver is not the one to screw with. Maria will destroy you even if it means a teenager will now be called the Latino Schwarzenegger by his classmates at school. I have also learned that I will do whatever (or whoever) it takes to win one of those golden fist awards.

Because Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, knows all, Jane Seymour was one of the first to say The Sperminator spawned at least two more secret love children and she wouldn't be surprised if there's more out there (cue up The X-Files theme). According to biographer Ian Halperin, there are more mini Ahnolds in the world who can bench press 100lbs with their eyeballs and rip a onesie just by flexing their baby biceps. Basically, when Arnold wasn't groping on anything with lady nipples, he was spraying his load everywhere.

Ian tells the Daily Mail that he has spoken to six women who claim that Mildred Baena isn't the only side piece whose eggs got turned into Schwarzeneggs (sorry for that). Ian goes on to explain, "You’re going to see a plethora of other women come out of the woodwork."

The Daily Mail piece also claims that Arnold never gets down with "gorgeous women" because he doesn't want to be upstaged by their beauty and needs his women to worship him. Arnold has forever been Austria's biggest man whore and he sees most women as objects who are only here to give his ego an erection.

What I'm learning about all of this is that if reincarnation exists, Arnold will definitely be reincarnated into a male seahorse in an ocean of female seahorses. Arnold will become the Michelle Duggar of male seahorses. I'm also learning that this is turning out to be exactly like the Tiger Woods saga. But instead of cocktail waitresses selling their gross stories to The National Enquirer, we're about to get a dozen "Yup, I'm Arnie's secret love child too!" covers of American Baby Magazine.

If the #1 item on Arnie's cum bucket list is to go into the Guinness Book of World Records as the slut who has heard Maury say the words "You ARE the father!!!" the most times, then bitch is well on his way to achieving that goal.

And shit just got escandalosoier (escandalosier is a word that was born just to describe this mess). At about the same time The Sperminator's sperm Austrian front hugged Maria Shriver's ovary, he did the same thing to his housekeeper/side-piece Mildred Baena. Maria and Mildred were knocked up with Arnold's baby at the same time. I've said this before, but this saga truly has all the ingredients for the kind of prime-time novella that would make my abuelita slap me in the mouth if I talked to her during it (the true sign of some good shit).

TMZ posted the above picture of Mildred laughing without a care in the world at her baby shower in 1997. Maria's "care" should be that she's carrying her boss' baby and she's defying the laws of Maury by telling everyone that it's her husband's (they have since divorced) child.

Maria gave birth to Christopher on September 27, 1997. Less than a week later, Mildred birthed out Arnold's secret love child on October 2, 1997.

I didn't think it was possible, but Arnold actually out-whored and out-dimwitted Tiger Woods! Hell, Arnold even out-whored my own father who previously held California's gold medal for man whoring. Take a bow, Arnold! Imagine what those boys are thinking. They should be thinking about what really matters. Take it from me. When my mother told me I had a half-brother the same age as me, I only asked her if he was better looking than me (answer: yes) and if my dad spent more money on him (answer: yes). You know, the important questions!

There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn't take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: "I'll be bareback!" Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.

Radar's sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena's Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You're Down Low Fucking You're Boss!

During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.

Mildred's MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!", I'd definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.

I'm sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won't do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I've eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin's backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she'd go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It's like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.