In this week's GOOP, Fishsticks Paltrow will teach us how to make an organic stew using clumps of Kate Bosworth's hair, Chris Martin's tongue and a dash of her own tears of anger (aka essence of cunty). Fishy will serve up this delicious entree in honor of Star Magazine's claims that Chris Martin is stepping out on her with Kate Bosworth. ESCANDALO! And Fishy knows exactly what that word means since she's like full Spanish.
Lainey Gossip got a hold of Star's new issue (out tomorrow), which tells the sordid tale of Chris' very public make-out session with Kate Bosworth. According to some witnesses, Chris and Kate flicked tongues at the U2 concert in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. They did it without a care in the world.
Spokeswhore for Fishy, Kate and Chris deny this shit.
If this is true, then I'm sure Fishy is so mad she could rub her titties in a bowl of preservatives. She wouldn't be mad that Chris is fucking around, but she would be angry that he got caught! Fishy probably doesn't care if Chris is doing ass sex down in the basement with a lima bean as long as her world continues to look perfect to the outside. Well, she would care if the lima bean wasn't 100% organic. But that's it.
And how can Kate Bosworth go from Alexander Skarsgard to Chris Martin?! Homegirl needs to work on her vagina's palette.
Robert Joe Halderman, the 48 Hours producer who tried to extort 2 million clams from David Letterman, shouted "NOT GUILTY" today to the felony charge of attempted grand larceny. The judge took his plea and set his bail at $200,000.
In case anybody hasn't whispered this in your ear yet, it's been confirmed that RJH is the ex-boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt (above), who used to be Dave's assistant. Homegirl would also appear on the show every now and again. Apparently, Stephanie and Dave used to bone on the down low before he got married to his now wife and then girlfriend.
Manhattan's District Attorney held a press conference earlier today where he said that RJH was using some of Stephanie's diary entries and letters to blackmail Dave. The D.A. also added that RJH tried to deposit the fake $2 million check Dave gave him. After the check bounced like it came from a Real Housewive, RJH was arrested.
Okay, what the hell kind of bunk ass extortionist is this Robert Joe Halderman dude?! Does he not watch late-night movies?! When you're trying to blackmail a bitch, you don't accept a check! Tell their asses you are a cash only establishment! And if you're really at the top of your game, you tell them you want it in British Pounds and to throw in DVDs of the entire first season of Being Bobby Brown. You can't get that shit in stores!
Three weeks ago, David Letterman got into his car and noticed that there was a mysterious package on his seat. When he opened it, it wasn't anything good like a hard-to-find box of Jello 1-2-3 or a glossy nude 3D picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. No, it was a letter from someone threatening Dave to hand over $2 million or he'd spill his "creepy" bedroom secrets which included fucking some of his staffers. The extortionist (that is so going to be the name of a future CBS show) claimed he would use the information to write a movie and a book. UGH! Remember the old days when bitches just used to sell that kind of information to the tabloids or simply post it on the internet? Nowadays bitches are always trying to get a 3-picture deal out of something. Hollywood!
David immediately shuffled off to the District Attorney's office in Manhattan and told them someone was trying to blackmail him. The D.A.'s office investigated the threats and then cut a fake check for $2 million in which they gave to the extortionist. The extortionist should've realized something in the milk wasn't clean when the check was oversized and came with a bunch of balloons. But something tells me the extortionist ain't got the smarts in the brains.
The dude was arrested yesterday morning and Dave had to testify in front of a grand jury. Dave admitted that what the extortionist was claiming is true. He has done sexy times with some of his staff members (PAUL, HOW COULD YOU?!). ESCANDALO (not really).
Dave confessed to it all on his show last night. It was a little awkward, because the audience kept laughing like a laugh-track on loop, and because Dave just got married last year to his ladyfriend of 23 years. They have a kid together.
The extortionist has been identified as Jay Leno. No, the extortionist is 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours and the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie is Dave's assistant and she reportedly had an affair with him years before he was married. They have since stopped bumping nasties in the copy room at midnight. That's what Radar says anyway.
So that's that! The truth is, people fuck their co-workers. It happens. I fuck on my co-workers all the time (Fun Fact: I only work with myself. WINK). Dave getting down with his employees probably isn't the best move, but it's not like he did anything horrific like kick a kitten or mooned a baby. Dave simply put his peen in someone's vagina. Maybe his wife was cool with it. Maybe she wasn't. I'm sure we'll find out.
The bitch I'm really mad at is the extortionist. Dude owes all of us $2 million for forcing us to think about Dave's sweaty prune nalgas bouncing up and down on some lady.
And in other news, Sarah Palin just climbed on top of her igloo and shouted, "I CAN SEE DAVE'S ROTTEN CHEATING ASS FROM MY HOUSE! I'M HAVING THE BEST DAY EVAH!"
On Oprah tomorrow, Mackenzie Phillips is supposed to drop an OMGWTFIDIEWHYWHY family secret. Well, the secret is out and it is definitely all sorts of fucked up. You might want to clear your throat and wash your eyes out with holy water before, after and during.
In her new tell-all book High on Arrival, Mackenzie says that she had sex with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. California Nightmarin'!!!!!!!!!!!
49-year-old Mackenzie said that she would do the bad shit with her father all the time. In fact, John, who died in 2001, shot Mackenzie up with heroin for the first time. And on the night before her wedding to Jeff Sessler in 1979, her dad tried to stop her from marrying his ass. Mackenzie writes, "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed. My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout."
The following year continued to be a fucked up time for Mackenzie. She was fired from One Day at a Time for being addicted to the bad shit and she went to rehab with her father. Mackenzie says their sexual relationship became "consensual." She went on to write, "I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me. One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we're going to hell for this."
If this isn't an anti-drug ad, I don't know what is. But Mackenzie said that we shouldn't "hate" her father for this. Too late. According to Mackenzie, the dude introduced her to heroin and forced/manipulated her into a sexual relationship with him. So not only is this an anti-drug ad, but it's an anti-John Phillips ad too.
What would Schneider say?!?!
Oh shit. Ryan Jenkins, the contestant from Megan Wants A Millionaire who was accused of murdering his wife, was found in a motel in Hope, British Columbia. The police say Ryan's body was found by motel staff. They believe he offed himself, because his body was found hanging. Ryan was ID'ed through his fingerprints. Ryan's wife had to be identified by the serial number on her implants, because her fingers and teeth were removed.
Ryan was charged with the murder of Jasmine Fiore on August 20th, just 5 days after her body was found stuffed into a suitcase in Buena Park, CA. Ryan was hiding out in Canada after he escaped there by foot from the US.
Megan Wants A Millionaire's very own Ryan Jenkins is no longer just a "person of interest." He has been charged with the murder of his wife Jasmine Fiore and there's a warrant out for his arrest. The police held a press conference today saying that they are currently trying to find his ass, so that they can drag him and bring him to justice.
Officials say Ryan busted out of the US last night and headed into Canada on foot. Maybe the real Sasquatch caught his ass and is holding him captive in his cave. It's so obvious that Sasquatch is a Vh1 fan and is not happy that MWAM was taken off the air.
During the press conference, the police also offered more grisly details about Jasmine's murder. They say her fingers and teeth were missing. Eesh. Thinkofpuppiesthinkofpuppies... They also have reason to believe that Ryan is armed with a gun. His bail has been set at $10 million.
Two months ago, Ryan hit Jasmine on the arm and was charged with domestic battery. He also has a record in Canada for domestic abuse. The production company that produces MWAM issued a statement saying they didn't know about Ryan's criminal record:
"51Minds was not aware of Ryan Jenkins' record when it cast him on "Megan Wants a Millionaire." Obviously, if the company had been given a full picture of his background, he would never have been allowed on the show.
The company did have in place what it thought was a thorough vetting process that involved complete background checks by an outside company for all contestants on its shows. Clearly, the process did not work properly in this case. "
I think their full background checks consist of: checking to see if a bitch has been in rehab, has a file at the free clinic, has nekkid pictures on the internet or has been arrested for selling their fuck parts for a slice of pizza. If the answer is "yes" to at least 3 of those things, they are warmly welcomed into the Vh1 family!
Ryan Jenkins, the contestant on Megan Wants A Millionaire who is a "person of interest" in the murder of his wife, has gone on the lam! No, Mimi, stop clapping. Not that kind of lamb.
TMZ says that witnesses spotted Ryan's black BMW SUV in Washington State last night. Officers later found the BMW with nobody in it. They believe Ryan might have crossed the border into Canada by foot. They are currently searching for his ass. Paging, Detective La Toya Jackson, your services are needed at the Canadian border!
Ryan is a resident of Canada and the country will not extradite his ass back to the US if he is charged with a capital crime. But if he's charged with a non-capital crime, they will gladly hand him over. So that means the US can tell Canada, "Oh, he'll be fine. We won't gas him. We promise!" And then when the US hands him, they can say, "SIIIIIIKE! We were crossing our fingers. We got you!!!." Or something.
And the plot thickens! TMZ has reason to believe that Ryan might be trying to get to Honduras. Ryan's father was the architect on some fancy resort over there. And his daddy also owns a private plane.
"Ryan Jenkins was a contestant on Megan Wants A Millionaire, an outside production, produced and owned by 51 Minds, that is licensed to VH1. The show completed production at the end of March. Given the unfortunate circumstances, VH1 has postponed any future airings. This is a tragic situation and our thoughts go out to the victim’s family."
And here I was thinking Vh1 was going to give Ryan his own show!
They have already erased traces of Megan Wants a Millionaire from their website. Vh1 didn't say if they were going to air the rest of the episodes eventually or simply just flush the entire show down the toilet and walk away. Another Vh1 reality show also might not see our Tivos anytime soon.
TMZ claims that Ryan Jenkins was (SPOILER ALERT) not only a contestant on I Love Money 3, but his friends say he won the entire thing. This means his ass is in every single episode. Vh1 hasn't even announced an air date for ILM3, so they could easily just pour it into a shot glass, shove it up a snatch and let DJ Lady Tribe swallow it up.
Earlier I posted the cover of Star magazine with the epitome of elegance on it and now here's the story. You see, Lorenzo Lamas and his chirruns are currently shooting a reality show for E!. Shauna Sand is not a regular on the show, because E! couldn't afford strong enough camera lenses that won't break due to her intense beauty.
In the reality show, which is airing later this year, Lorenzo talks about how he caught his ex-wife Shauna doing sexy times with his son AJ while they were married. AJ was just 18 then and clearly not the hot stick of butter he is now. AJ isn't making my no-no screech in that picture above, but he does kind of like Screech from Saved by the Bell (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!).
One of Lorenzo's friends tells Star that Shauna's scandalous affair with his son is the reason why their marriage ended in 2002. The friend added, "Shauna came on to A.J. It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing. He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J. He had no clue that she was his son's lover!"
Lorenzo needs to take a bow and stop being so dramatic! It's not like they are blood related. Shauna was just doing the motherly thing by teaching him the birds and the bees first-hand! Lorenzo should be grateful to Shauna! Being kissed on the genitals by Shauna is just like being blessed by the Pope. And with that, the date on my one-way bus ticket to Hell just got moved up!
Maybe I should wash the jizz residue out of my eyes, because I always thought Michael Jackson's kids kind of looked like him. Then again, I regularly grab whole wheat bread at the grocery store thinking its white bread.....
Well, some bitches are screaming that Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket aren't Michael's biological children.
TMZ is even saying that Debbie Rowe isn't their biological mother. A few sources told them that Debbie was the baby oven for Paris and Prince Michael, but her eggs were not used. The identity of the surrogate who carried Blanket is still unknown. The sources went on to yap that all three children were conceived in vitro and they don't know whether or not Michael knew the egg or sperm donors. And that's where UsWeekly comes in....
According to their source, Prince Michael and Paris' bio-father is dermatologist Arnold Klein. The source added, "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth."
AND TMZ also claims that Michael never adopted any of his three kids, because he didn't think anybody would try to get custody.
AAAAAGGGHHH! Escandalo overload.
I know it's cliche as hell, but can all parties involved gather on Maury's stage to work this out before the headlines get crazier. Because I won't be surprised if I see a website with the headline: "DEBBIE ROWE REALLY A MAN! WORLD'S TRUE PREGNANT DUDE."