SCANDAL

Why did I have to read about Morgan Freeman allegedly Wood-Allen-ing his step-granddaughter?! If I dip my head in a pot of boiling bleach will it burn away that image along with 99% of the skin on my face? I might be willing to try it.

I hope the National Enquirer was just telling jokes when they wrote about 72-year-old Morgan Freeman's 10-year-long affair with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. Please let them issue a statement that they thought April Fool's Day got moved to mid-June for some reason.

A source tells the Enquirer that E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette. Morgan and his second wife Myrna raised E'Dena ever since she was a little girl. The affair reportedly started when E'Dena was a teenager. The source went on to say, "Myrna said E'dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend's house one evening. Both had been drinking, and when they returned home, Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse. E'Dena explained to Myrna that she stopped Morgan from going any further."

Myrna told Morgan to step off E'Dena and he promised he would. Without Myrna knowing, Morgan's relationship with E'Dena continued for years.

The source wants all to know that it's technically not incest since they aren't blood relatives,
"but Morgan is trying desperately to keep his divorce out of open court so all the shameful facts won't become public."

I know most of you stopped at "National Enquirer," but they sound serious about this one. Maybe we should all just pretend this is a work of creepy fan fiction and then slowly back away until we get further evidence? Okay, I won't dip my head in bleach just yet, but in the meantime.....

MustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittens

That's what Kate Gosselin's brother, Kevin, told RadarOnline. Don't you adore siblings? They are good for all sorts of things including selling your ass out to the media. Although, Kate is probably behind this, because I am under the impression that she's behind everything! She's a cunt mastermind. Kate promised Kevin that if he made that claim, her hair would stop pecking at him during Thanksgiving dinner.

In a video interview, Kevin said Kate told Jon that their marriage is dead. Just like his nutsack! Kevin says Kate is only keeping up the charade for the sake of their reality show. Kate is hoping that with all this press she'll land her own talk show. Kevin adds, "Their family is in shambles." Just like her hair!

Kevin's hewife, Jodi, also chirped in, "The show is not reality, and has not been for a long time. This is a train wreck." TRAIN WRECK?! You know what's a train wreck? Jodi's overall look! Peep at this bitch. That's a dood. Don't get me started on Kevin. Or that fugly vase in the background. Don't. Get. Me. Started.

Kevin didn't talk about the rumors that Kate is sexing up her bodyguard (the grey fox in the picture above), but Kate herself continues to deny it. I kind of believe the rumor. Look at that dude's face. That's the face of a man who has seen things that cannot be UNSEEN.

Image: INFDaily.com

Escandalo! Santo Dios! This is the magazine cover of my wildest dreams! The magazine is TVNotas and this week's cover story is about a popular Catholic priest in Miami who is the co-star of a sex scandal. A sex scandal involving a woman. A woman with a real vagina. A woman with a real vagina who is over the age of 18. Yeah, some scandal. Cue my abuelita screaming SANTO DIOS because he wasn't caught with an alter boy.

TVNotas published several pictures of sexy Father Alberto Cutié rolling around on Miami Beach with a lady back in February. Father Cutie (Amen to that!) is also known as "Father Oprah," (no relation to White Oprah) because he writes a syndicated advice column and has hosted several talk shows. Shortly after the church found out about the pictures, they put his ass on leave.

A spokeswhore for the Archdiocese released this statement: "This is a difficult day for everyone in the Archdiocese of Miami. We pray for Father Alberto. The vow of celibacy really means there is a commitment outside the vow that stresses the focus on the holy order. The vow of celibacy is there for a reason. He's on a prayerful journey. He's still a priest, but he is on leave."

Forgive me father, but celibacy sucks. Genitals are there for a reason. They're meant to be played with. True fact.

Besides, I doubt Father Cutie was doing any sexy shit. He was merely blessing the woman and trying to get the evil out of her. He was slapping her with his crucifix and cleansing her with his holy water. Father Cutie was doing his job!

SANTO DIOS!!!

Source: AOL (Thanks Justin)

UsWeekly is the Joey Greco of tabloids! Last week, they ran a cover story claiming Jon Gosselin was doing illegal sexy times with some 23-year-old trick. They both denied away. But UsWeekly isn't backing down and has shot Jon a Kate-approved death stare in the form of this cover. Es. Can. De. Lo.

UsWeekly has pictures, video and quotes from the brother of Jon's supposed mistress. Jason Hummel says his sister, third grade teacher Deanna Hummer (typo, but it belongs), first met Jon back in January at a club near both of their homes. During the weeks that followed, Jon wooed Deanna. When Kate was away on business, he would invite Deanna over to sunbathe her nalgas on the lawn of his house. And when she wasn't rubbing her business all over his grass, Jon was over at her house slapping his ruler on her chalkboard.

Jason, who probably had a can of Natty Ice in his hand while talking to Us, said this: "A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast."

"Ick. Nast."? That is the exact words I uttered when I first saw Kate's hair.

Jason, who is truly an underground poet, says he is speaking out about his sister's fuck life, because he needs the money so he can make another layaway payment on that sweeeeeet Trans Am he's been getting hard for. No, he said he's trying to protect her. Jason explains, "She's a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn't healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air." Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck me in the ass without lube and tell me it doesn't hurt. Jason should take some of his Hooters posters off the wall to make way for his "Brother of the Century" plaque.

So what happens next? Is Kate going to finish Jon off by Lorena Bobbitting his peen once and for all? Or are they going to keep denying all of this? I don't know. But I do know that everyone in Pennsylvania should be on the lookout for a rabid beaver hitchhiking along the highways. Once Kate finds out about this, the mangy beast on her head is going to bust out of there before the bloodbath begins.

How awesome is it that Twit and Twat's butt fuck wedding wasn't the main cover story in UsWeekly! They were all ready to blow up the cover and hang it above their bed, so that they could jack to it every night. They've been trumped by Jon & Kate! Expect Horsey Montag to announce that she's pregnant with the spawn of Satan in 3..2..

In the new issue of UsWeekly, they have pictures of Jon, the tortured husband from Jon and Kate Plus 8, leaving a club near his house at 2 in the morn with some trick. According to a source, Jon showed up to Legends Lounge at around 11:30 at night. A few hours later, he was spotted leaving with a woman. The source said Jon "could barely walk."

Um, that's because he doesn't have a nutsack anymore. It's been gilded and is hanging on Kate's rearview mirror.

Jon was overheard telling the lady, "Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!" When he spotted the paps, he told her ass to get into the car and then they sped off into the night. ESCANDALO!

Jon tried his best to explain the whole thing to UsWeekly, "I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car. Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

"I let her drive it to her car" is code for "penis went into vagina", right?

Just because he was seen leaving a club with another chick doesn't mean they are doing illegal sex with each other. Jon probably hired her because he wants to know what it feels like to speak more than 2 sentences to another woman without her ripping his froat out with her bare teefs. Besides, Kate is never removing her claws from his no-nut area. She has a damn book to promote and 8 children to whore out. She can't do it alone!

And what dumb ass ho would have an affair with a dude who has 8 kids? Wait, was OctoCrazy in Pennsylvania recently?

I don't know if you've been following the mess known as Kelly Rutherford's custody battle with her gay-baby-faced estranged husband, but I have. I didn't really post any of the details on here, because I figured nobody really gave a crap. Judging by the lone Inside Edition microphone in Kelly's face, I was probably right about that.

The whole shit started when Kelly, who is knocked up with their second kid, filed for divorce from her millionaire husband Daniel Giersch. Kelly wanted to take her 2-year-old Herpes (opt: on purpose typo) to NYC this Sunday to shoot Gossip Girl. Her husband refused to let her go, so they all went to court!

During the past couple of days, GBF told a judge that Kelly gets all crazy while she's shooting and won't have time to care of Hermes. Daniel also said Kelly doesn't know how to wipe their son's ass properly and thinks it's creepy that she still breastfeeds him. In Kelly's defense, wiping ass is gross. Even your own. If I had to clean a baby's caca-covered ass, I'd just turn the garden hose on it. Now I'm going to close my fat mouth for now about the breastfeeding thing. The last time I touched it, La Leche League threatened to shut me up by sticking their lactating nipples in my mouth. All I can say is that maybe Kelly wants to bring Hermes to NYC because her nipples get lonely. OKAY! I'm stopping.

After all the drama and ass wiping allegiations, a judge decided that Kelly can take Hermes to NYC. During the next couple of months, Hermes will split his time between New York and L.A. while Kelly and GBF try to work out some kind of custody agreement.

They will all go back to court in April for more party times!

Palin! Palin! Palin! Sarah Palin made the cover of 4 weeklies this week proving that....well...that she has scary teeth. Teeth that could make a moose cry. Poor moosies. I wonder if Sarah also made the cover of "Girls 'n" Guns" magazine too? Probably.

It seems like the story is the same in all of these magazines. SCANDAL! BABIES! LIES! SECRETS! TEETH! KAREN WALKER! MORE LIE-TELLING! SCANDAL!

Basically, the Palin family has become the Spears family of Alaska. Somebody shake Brit Brit from her Vicodin-Cheeto coma and let her know that this Sarah Palin chick is taking her place! I want to see pictures of Brit Brit looking tore-up on all these covers, not this Sarah lady! Come on, Brit! Rob a Starbucks! Slap the artificial cheese out of Chester Cheetah! Anything! Handle it.

OK! Magazine went with a double cover this week. Michelle and Barack Obama are on one cover and Palin and Trig are on the other. Oh and Carrie thinks Jessica is fat, because she is fat! Fat in the mouth!

VIA Cover Awards

The New York Daily News has found Bristol Palin's baby daddy! Well, I think they just did a couple of searches on MySpace. They describe 18-year-old Levi Johnston as a "a superhunky bad-boy ice hockey player from cold country." We get it, the NYDN totally wants to do him.

According to his MySpace page (which is offline now), Levi is just a "fuckin' redneck" who doesn't want kids. Levi loves snowboarding, dirt bikes, fishing and "fuckin' chillin'." He also loves the word "fuckin'." Apparently.

Bristol and Levi have been dating for about a year. They are getting married, because they have to. Gawker has a couple of Levi's "fuckin'" MySpace photos. And his photos are just what you expected.

The dude's name is Levi, he's a proud redneck and he loves chillin'. I think we've found Matthew McConaughey's long-lost secret love child! Put a bongo in front of Levi and if he starts pounding it like there's no tomorrow, then we know the truth!

That being said, I'd hit it.

So guess what? Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol is knocked up! This is too fucking perfect. Bristol is 5-months pregnant.

Dear Lifetime, you have found your next movie! Let's see, Jamie Lynn Spears can play Bristol, for obvious reasons. I mean, she's already done research on the role. Tina Fey and Megan Mullaly are too good to play Sarah. I know, Patricia Heaton's evil ass can play her. She would be perfect.

Anyhypocritey, this exciting news continues on from the rumor I posted about yesterday, which was that Sarah faked a pregnancy and pretended to have given birth to a boy named Trig Paxton Van Palin. The rumor was that Trig was actually Bristol's child and that Sarah was his memaw.

Sarah made the announcement today about her daughter being with child to shoot down rumors that she faked her own pregnancy to hide the family shame known as Bristol. So Bristol couldn't have been pregnant with 4-month-old Trig, because she was too busy being pregnant with her own kid. Bristol's got an alibi! I think we found a co-author for Lynne Spears' next book on parenting.

Sarah issued a statement and said that Bristol is planning on keeping the child and marrying the wonderful father, Levi. Sarah goes on to say “Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned. As Bristol faces the responsibilities of adulthood, she knows that she has our unconditional love and support. Bristol and the young man she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family." The Palin family has also asked for privacy during this time. Yeah, good fucking luck with that. And do you blame Bristol? Where else is there to do in Alaska besides make babies and skin trout?

I just can't wait to see what other scandals the Republicans may bring. Who knows, maybe Sarah is the one who is knocked up and Bristol is just returning the favor. Expect to see Sarah's ass in mumus and leaky titties. Or maybe McCain will announce he's a hermie. Or Cindy McCain will give birth to a pharmacist (yeah right, in her Vicodin dreams). Let me tell you, the possibilities on this are endless.

Source

Everybody and their pet fish has been e-mailing me this story, so obviously that's a sign that I must post it. This is basically some Bree Van de Kamp shit. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the chick who is running as McCain's VP, is being accused of faking one of her pregnancies. The Daily Kos thinks Sarah's teenage daughter, Bristol, is the real mother of Trig Paxton Van Palin.

Yes, Bristol and Trig. Sarah also has three other kids named Track, Willow and Piper. I think they were named after Pottery Barn candle scents.

Anydrama, the rumor is that Sarah, a pro-lifer, pretended to be pregnant while her then 16-year-old daughter was the one who was really carrying baby Trig. Escandalo! Here's some of the shit the Daily Kos is claiming:

In March, Sarah told everyone she was 7-months pregnant. Everyone including her staff said they were shocked to find out, because she didn't look pregnant to them. They also said she's always been thin, because she's a runner or some shit.

Sarah's 16-year-old daughter Bristol was taken out of her high school for 5 to 8 months. The high school was told Bristol had mono.

While attending some Republican convention in Texas, Sarah began leaking amniotic fluid one month before her due date. She didn't check into the hospital. She gave her speech and then got on an 8-hour flight back to Alaska.

Sarah gave birth in a hospital 45-minutes from the airport. Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, was one month premature. Sarah was back to work 3 days later.

I left out of a ton of details. Visit here, here and here if you give an eff. On the other side, there are a few pictures with Sarah sort of looking knocked up. Gawker also has a post claiming Bristol was in a car accident when she would have been seven months pregnant. The dude involved in the accident with Bristol said she "really didn't look pregnant," but he wasn't really staring at her belly.

I'm so confused. Maybe I'm the one who gave birth to baby Trig. Shit, maybe I'm the father. Maury! Please help us! It's the only way we can solve any of this. Bring them all on a very special episode of "The Maury Povich" show. I want Cindy McCain to read the DNA results though. That's if she can read it through her Vicodin haze. I also want Tina Fey and Megan Mullally to appear on the episode just so I can see them next to Sarah Palin.