Sacha Baron Cohen
I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won't be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!
Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a "blergh," she said, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Bitch, stop. Don't act like you didn't build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt." They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn't done yet.
In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe's singing) of the year and before the movie's producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, "He's wearing a bomb! Everybody run!" But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That's all.
After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.
Here's Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.
Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.
That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.
Since Elisabetta Canalis is a professional when it comes to faking a relationship for a stack of money and a little relevancy, Sacha Baron Cohen hired her to star with him in a STUNT QUEEN skit on a yacht in Cannes this morning. While in his Dictator drag, Sacha rubbed on Elisabetta, showed her his little dicktator, pretended to be mad when she wasn't impressed with it, murdered her and then threw her overboard in a body bag. It was like a sped up performance art interpretation of her entire relationship with George Clooney.
Grabbing on an annoying character who's hairier than an unwaxed Kardashian before getting fake murdered is a million steps up from humping on the human skater's scab that is Steve-O. So YAY for that, Elisabetta. And I really hope she got at least four 8 balls for doing this shit.
In case you forgot because your brain purged this information to make way for more important shit like the recipe for the perfect dream wedding cake, let me remind you of the foolery that went down between Sacha Baron Cohen and the Academy this week. To promote The Dictator, SBC planned to drag his poodle's ass beard onto the red carpet at the Oscars tomorrow. The producers of the Oscars shut down SBC's plans and said that he could come, but he had to dress as himself and not as his character. SBC fired a shot at the Oscars when he went on the Today Show as The Dictator and blasted their asses for banning his publicity stunt. Well, after all that shit, the producers have given into SBC's attention whoreist threats and are letting him stroll down the red carpet as The Dictator. The Dictator declared victory on his Twatter last night:
VICTORY IS OURS! Today the Mighty Nation of Wadiya triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood. Evil and all those who made Satan their protector were vanquished and driven into the Pacific Sea. What I am trying to say here is that the Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!
My mom said the other day that everybody should come to the Oscars dressed as their characters, because she doesn't recognize them when they're covered in fancy. That is a genius idea. Michelle Williams should come as Marilyn Monroe, Bryce Dallas Howard should come with a piece of shitty caca pie in her mouth, Glenn Close should come as the Irish Beavis, Jonah Hill should wear a fat suit and Michael Fassbender should just repeatedly come on the red carpet if you know what I mean.
But seriously, this stupid shit makes me miss the good old days when Bjork laid a swan egg on the red carpet. The Oscars should invite Bjork, so she can show all those amateur whores how a true STUNT QUEEN does it.
Sacha Baron Cohen is probably browsing Big & Tall's Black Label Collection today, because he'll have to find some new shit to wear to the Oscars on Sunday since the show's producers have banned him from dressing up as his character from his new movie The Dictator. The Academy told Sacha that his ass is more than welcome at the Oscars, but he'll have to leave his Kid 'n Play chin wig at home. Deadline says those prim and proper hos of the Academy aren't taking any chances, though, and have temporarily sat on Sacha's tickets and won't give them to him until he promises to not bring the promo fuckery to their red carpet. One of the mouths for the Oscars said this to CNN about Sacha's stunt:
“We would love to have Sacha Baron Cohen at the Oscar show. We have expressed [to Cohen] that we don’t like our red carpet to be used as a promotional stunt. We’re waiting to hear from him. We’ve put the ball in his court.”
Oh yes, because the Oscars red carpet is sacred ground where nobody, I mean nobody, promotes anything. We never hear the words: "My dress is by Chanel, my earrings are Cartier, my bag is Judith Leiber, my tampon is Fendi and the platinum stick up my ass is Bvlgari." We never hear that! I don't know why those Oscar bitches care about Sacha Baron Cohen showing up in character when they obviously have no problem with Ryan Seacrest showing up as a straight journalist every year.
If you ignore the heinous rubber foot mitts made from the crusty dildos of Lucifer's sex slaves in the darkest dungeon in Hell on Sacha Baron Cohen's hooves, then you can appreciate the entire look he's working for his new movie The Dictator. Sacha shot scenes for that shit on the UES in NYC yesterday afternoon and judging by these pictures, I'm guessing his character was given the wrong instructions for how to master the art of dining and ditching. Or maybe he's on that new Jillian Michaels diet where you can eat whatever you want as long as you do it while jogging. Something ZANY, obviously. I don't know. But one thing I do know that Sacha made the right choice by styling his character after the accident baby of It's Pat and Dawn Wiener Dog.
If you're a child of the 80s, like me, then your mom most likely looked just like this at one time or another. But instead of CROCS, she wore baby pink Kaepas (with two pink triangles, thankyouverymuch) and DAMN she loved it. This takes me back. I can practically see my mom wading waist-deep in the pool with a protective cone around her neck after getting a perm the day before. Nothing makes me miss the 80s more than thinking about my mom screaming, "DON'T SPLASH, YOU BRAT! I JUST GOT A PERM!"
The Borat as Freddie Mercury rumors are back! But this time Deadline Hollywood swears on their TOLDJA! trademark application that Sacha Baron Cohen will slip into an assless Spandex onesie (bitch already has a few in his closet) to play the crotch thruster of all crotch thrusters in a Queen biopic. Sacha's rep shot down this rumor a couple of few years ago, but Deadline says that it's real this time and production will star next year. The script is being written by Peter Morgan who wrote The Queen and Frost/Nixon.
The surviving members of Queen have licensed their songs for the movie. Deadline's sources aren't sure if Sacha is going to try to achieve the impossible by replicating Freddie Mercury's voice, or if he's simply going to move his mouth to the track.
My emotions aren't sure where to go on this one. I mean, this could be as good as dating someone who works at the Hostess factory (FREE SNO-BALLS...in more ways than one) or as disappointing as running out of lube and olive oil right before you're about to get some.
But I would be all about a Queen biopic if the one man who was born to play Freddie Mercury was cast as him. I'm talking about John Stossel, of course:
John Stossel in spandex? That sight would make Barbara Walters lose her lisp! It's obvious that John Stossel's moustache and Freddie Mercury's moustache are one. Soulstaches forever.
(side-by-side via Stereogum)
Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen have been together 8 years, engaged for 6 and are raising a 2-year-old baby friend together. Early last week, Isla and Sacha decided they have spent enough time liking each other, so why not fuck it all up by getting married! Oh, I'm joking. Their new marriage will last as long as a plate of Vegemite! That shit doesn't decompose, right?
Woman's Day reports that Isla and Sacha got married in a small Jewish wedding in Paris last Monday. Isla and Sacha didn't feel like making it a giant extravaganza worthy of Platinum Weddings, so they only invited their close friends and family. Shortly after Isla handcuffed herself to Sacha, she wrote an e-mail to all her friends that read: “We did it – we’re married! It was the absolute best day of my life and in so many beautiful moments I missed you all so much. I thought of you as everything was happening, but Sacha and I wanted no fuss – just us!”
Unfortunately, I doubt Sacha wore any of these outfits to his wedding. What a waste. The perfect ceremony, reception and honeymoon ensembles.
Oh well. Hopefully, the guests got a plastic swan with Sacha's turd in it as a wedding memento. Congrats!
Sacha Baron Cohen really wanted to get into character when he filmed Bruno, but it sounds to me like there wasn't an authentic gay on set to help him through this process. Sacha decided to bleach every single hair follicle on his body, so he could have the body of a hairless European twink power bottom. But who bleaches anymore? Well, besides my cholita cousin who thinks we all can't see her blonde moustache glistening in the sun. Don't tell her I told you that. I mean, every gay knows waxing the ass is the only way! Invisi-bleach is so 80s.
Anyway, either Sacha didn't want to waltz with wax or nobody told him. Sacha found out the hard way that bleach is not the answer. The Sun says that shortly after he got bleached, his no-no turned into an ouch-ouch. A source said, “He had a bad allergic reaction to hydrogen peroxide, which is a strong bleaching agent. It was so severe around a certain part of his anatomy that he couldn’t sit down for three days. He had to make an emergency appointment with the doctors, who gave him some medication to counter the irritation. Crew members found the whole incident hilarious and it slowed down filming for a bit, but Sacha soon got over the discomfort. He has suffered no long-lasting ill effects.”
Down for 3 days?! What kind of fake gay is he? If you're going to act the part, ACT the part. Dip that ass in some oestrogen cream, shake it off and get back out there! There have been times where my b-hole was on death's door, but I slapped it into action, inhaled and handled my business. There's no crying in butt sex!
Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno is done terrorizing the runways of Paris and now he's creating chaos in California for his movie with the really long time. Yesterday at a Yes on Prop 8 rally, the infamous homosexual known as Bruno joined the protesters, waving his banner like a proud queen. When the jig was up and dumb whores started to realize who this blonde flamer really was, he was quickly taken away by his production team.
Wait. The flaming troll in the green is against ze gays marrying?! I mean, you can tell that leprechaun's manpussy puckers every time he sees a big dick. Even the dude in the black shirt knows that some homo activity is about to go down between Bruno and the homo-elf.
Don't these dumb bitches have something better to do on a Sunday afternoon? I don't know... like partake in a little gay sex?
And any of you that vote NO on Prop 8, will automatically get an invitation to one of my weddings. I'm sure I'll get hitched several times in my life, so there's a seat waiting for you at one of them. I promise to put a dildo, a bong and an In-N-Out gift certificate in all my gift bags.