George Michael

Prayer circles formed in dozens of men's public restrooms around the world when George Michael was hospitalized last month after the terrible cunt that is pneumonia refused to leave his body. It was looking bleak there for a second and some mornings I woke up expecting to find the headline "George Michael is Never Going To Dance Again" or "Last Christmas, Indeed!" on The Daily Mail. But shit is looking up for George Michael's health, because his rep announced this morning that he's been released from a clinic in Austria and is back at home in London.

George was rushed to the hospital in Vienna on November 21st after he got the serious sicks just a few hours before a concert. The doctors diagnosed with him with severe pneumonia and put him on bed rest until they felt he was well enough to fly to England. It took four long weeks.

I'm making the same face I made when one of my ex-boyfriends came home looking as fucked up as a meth-faced hyena and said to me, "Oh, I just had a soda water at the bar!" Four weeks in the hospital for PAMONAS (as my cousin calls it) is suspect, but who cares! Who cares if George was really in there to detox off the bad shit or if it took four weeks for him to cough up the hairball he accidentally swallowed which licking on his hot fur piece. The only thing that matters is that George is back and his friends can throw him a welcome home party at Snappy Snaps.

via E! Online

Here is your daily reminder that if you're rich and famous you too can get a piece who tips the hotness scale and will tell you that he's with you for you right before you sit on his face and jack him off with a rolled up one hundred dollar bill (tuck and lube the edges to prevent paper cuts). This furry bear of a man is George Michael's newest trophy piece and the two were spotted smoking some shit up on their hotel balcony in Venice, Italy yesterday. George quit his longtime partner Kenny Goss a little while ago so now he's free to bring his tricks out in broad daylight.

George picked his piece well this time. Don't you just want to wrap your legs around that Brawny Dude's thick neck and let him spin you around as you slap him on the mouth with your peen? (Yes, I've been watching acrobat porn again). Can't you just picture George serenading his Brawny Dude with a lullaby version of "Fast Love" as he deep conditions his piece's ass fur with butt conditioner?

Get that hairy dick, George! Smash it like you're a Range Rover and he's a Snappy Snaps!

George Michael's jail cell door swung open today and he was allowed to skip on out after serving half of his 8-week sentence for busting into a Snappy Snaps while under the influence of weed. George Michael has had a lot of time to think about his life choices without a bong winking at him to give it a blow or without the night wind summoning him outside for an al fresco blow job, so he told reporters in front of his home in London that he is turning a new leaf. And no, he doesn't mean that he's trying a new strain. George said:

"I'm coming out here on my own so that you'll realize I just want to start again. I'm going to try to stop running away from you guys. You'll get sick of me. You'll see me out and about.

I just want to say thank you for everybody who has supported me in there, it's quite inspirational.

By the way, I've just thought of a really good idea for a song. It's going to be nothing to do with prison."

Please tell me George Michael is singing the new theme song for Snappy Snaps.

And what's with this "You'll see me out and about" shit? That's what his problem was in the first place! Instead of eating green smoke while getting munched by a Grindr hook-up in the comfort of his own home, bitch was out doing it while driving!

When George Michael was sentenced to 8 weeks in the chokey for driving while stoned, I made a dumb joke about how it's going to be a non-stop party in there. Well, it is a non-stop party at Pentonville, but not for George. The Mirror says that George's fellow inmates have been butchering his songs by singing them out loud from their cells while he softly weeps into his hands.

A source says that George was put into a special cell block filled with inmates who get their asses jumped when they're in the main part of the prison. George is now surrounded by convicted child touchers and rapists because prison officials think he's safer there. The inmates call that block "The Ritz", because there's a TV and a duvet in every cell. But even though George can soothe his sorrows with reruns of Footballers Wives (please tell they show Footballers Wives reruns in Britain), he is still sadder than Keanu Reeves.

One of the inmates told The Mirror by phone, "As soon as he arrived some of the prisoners burst into a rendition of Freedom. And when he was taken to shower they sang 'Guilty George has got no freedom' to the tune of Careless Whisper. He is sulking. He's wearing prison-issue tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt but doesn't have any shoes on. When the cells were unlocked in the morning he just sat there and refused to come out. Everyone was peering out of their windows overlooking the exercise yard expecting to see him but he didn't show."

George is expected to stay in the pedo wing for at least 4 days before being moved to the main cell block.

So, if you were wondering why your iTunes cut off a song and started playing "Careless Whisper", you now know why. When a tear falls down George Michael's cheek, every radio, stereo and computer automatically cues up "Careless Whisper."

And George Michael bawling on a prison bed while a bunch of pedos shout out the lyrics to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" is the 1980s recurring nightmare come true.

Or maybe the party has just begun? BBC News reports that George Michael will soon be singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go To The Showers" to his cell mate (GONG me in the nalgas, I like it), because he has been sentenced to 8 weeks in the chokey for smashing into a Snappy Snaps while driving under the influence of marijuana. George is already singing "I'm never going to drive again..." after he lost his drivers license for six months (GONG me again!).

Shortly after George pleaded guilty to the charge, he checked into rehab for a quick second and apologized to all of his fans for being a mess. George said that he accepts all responsibility for his actions.

Woe is George. For the next 8 weeks, he'll be shoved into close quarters with a bunch of sweaty and rough men who grunt when they thrust. Rough men who will give him a contraband joint for daily assjobs in the toilets. AND you can't get arrested for fucking around in those toilets. Yeah, change that headline, because the party is definitely on.

George Michael lost his drivers license for 6-months earlier this week after he pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of marijuana. The judge in the case will sentence George next month and he could end spending a long time pruning his pristine hairline in jail, because this is his 7th time fucking up behind the wheel. George apparently knows this which is why he wrote an apology letter to his fans on his website and admitted that he spent 14 days in rehab.

If you want to sway like a jazz club background swinger while reading George's letter, make Careless Whisper (Instrumental) your soundtrack. It will also make George's words seem sexier, because Careless Whisper (Instrumental) makes absolutely everything sexier.

Personally, I think the only bitch George Michael owes an apology to is the Snappy Snaps he brutally mutilated with his Range Rover, so hopefully he sent it an apology fruit bouquet or something. And can somebody pass two copies of this letter to White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan with the note "See, it's not that fucking hard" written on top.

With a hair yarmulke on top of his head and touches of silver hanging onto his beard, George Michael strolled into the Highbury Corner Magistrates Court in London this morning to plead "Yup, I Fucked Up" to the charges that he drove while under the influence of weed. George was busted last month after his Range Rover violently assaulted a Snappy Snaps photo shop by busting into that bitch. The cops found George stoned as all fuck.

AP reports that George admitted to the judge that he had the good shit waltzing through his system at the time of the crash and he accepted all responsibility for his actions. The judge took George's tiny hand in his and then slapped it before suspending his drivers license for six months. The judge warned George that he could face time in the chokey if he's arrested again, "It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident."

George barely got his drivers license back last year. It was snatched away from him in 2007 after he was found BROKE OFF, DOZED OFF behind the wheel of his car.

George and every single judge in the UK just need to come to the blatant realization that BITCH CAN'T DRIVE. Does George need Tai from Clueless to rise from the dead and tell him this to his face so he finally gets it? My sister, who once hit a parked car and made a left turn over a center divider, is a better driver than George and that's saying everything. George was meant to be a professional passenger, that's all. Run (don't drive) and tell that!

But George's day wasn't totally filled with misery and hand slaps. I mean, look at him mentally masturbating while surrounded by a trio of hot cops!

George Michael needs to add "steering wheels" (right under "public toilets" and "sticking his tongue out in public") on his list of shit he should stay away from for a while, because he has been arrested again for crashing his car into something! At around 3:30 on Sunday morning, George rammed his Range Rover into the crotch of a Snappy Snap store without asking it first. OH SNAP is right.

George knows the drill, so The Sun says he got out of his Range Rover and politely waited for his old friends, THE COPS, to show up. George was taken down to the station and was later released on bail. A police spokeswhore only had this to say:

"Officers attended and a man in his 40s was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive. He was taken to a north London police station and later bailed to return on August 13 pending inquiries."

The police wouldn't say if George was boozed or stoned at the time of the crash.

George was busted last year after he smashed into a lorry while driving under the influence of the good shit. In 2007, George was banned from driving for 2 years after he was found asleep at the wheel in the middle of an intersection in North West London.

George is way too seasoned for this shit! That old bitch knows by now that you should park your Range Rover on an empty street BEFORE your trick for the night throws his legs around your neck and starts lapping up your nut sweat. George has already proven that he's steering wheel-challenged, so 69ing while driving is only for professionals.

Or maybe George is just doing this shit on purpose. Maybe nothing gives him the tingles like getting handcuffed by a cop. If that's the case, George needs more Craigslist in his life, because he can find that shit on there without even having to get into his Range Rover.

In the beginning of an interview George Michael did with The Guardian, the interviewer writes about how these German girls waited for hours outside of his house to get his autograph. Well, the German girls should've disguised themselves as hairy leather daddies and hung out at Hampstead Heath. It only would've taken a few minutes for George Michael to show up to autograph their faces with the ink from his peen. That's because George just loves huntin' for park dick at Hampstead Heath when the weather is warm enough to keep his butt cheeks toasty.

George, who has an open relationship with his partner Kenny Goss, said, "The handful of times a year it's bloody warm enough, I'll do it. I'll do it on a nice summer even–ing. Quite often there are campfires up there. It's a much nicer place to get some quick and honest sex than standing in a bar, E'd off your tits shouting at somebody and hoping they want the same thing as you do in bed. DyaknowhatImean?"

Oh, I know what you mean, Georgie. You're a naturist. You just love the musty aroma of pine needles mixed in with ass sweat and foreskin fromage. It's potpourri for George Michael's hole.

Speaking of greenery, George Michael said that despite the claims that he's licking on crack rocks every chance he gets, his only current poison of choice is weed.

He said that he used to gobble up 25 joints a day, but he's down to 7 or 8 now. Okay, George should probably check his dealer's references, because if he needs 8 joints to keep him riding high on a green cloud, then he might be smoking catnip.

Finally, George had a message for Elton John. Elton has been telling the press that he's afraid for George's well-being. George's response is, "Elton lives on that. He will not be happy until I bang on his door in the middle of the night saying, 'Please, please, help me, Elton. Take me to rehab.' It's not going to happen. Elton just needs to shut his mouth and get on with his own life. Look, if people choose to believe that I'm sitting here in my ivory tower, Howard Hughesing myself with long fingernails and loads of drugs, then I can't do anything about that, can I?"

"People want to see me as tragic with all the casual sex and drug-taking... those things are not what most people aspire to, and I think it removes people's envy to see your weaknesses. I don't even see them as weaknesses any more. It's just who I am."

HA! So basically, George is a forest fucking stoner who just wants everyone to get off his dick so he can smoke his joints and search for ass in peace. I can go along with that as long as George stays away from steering wheels.

George Michael's boyfriend of 13 years, Kenny Goss, has quit that bitch, because he was totally over his man always being in handcuffs (and not in the sexy way). The Daily Mail says that Kenny gave George the gift of singlehood last Christmas, but the two managed to keep that shit on the down low up until now.

After George was arrested last year for being caught with the bad shit in a public bathroom, Kenny said he just couldn't take it anymore. One of George's friends said, "Kenny had given George many chances. But after the Hampstead Heath incident he said he couldn’t take any more. Despite George saying they had an open relationship, Kenny never agreed with George’s urges to cruise for other men, or with his excessive use of cannabis."

George isn't taking the break-up well. Apparently, he spends all day smoking the good shit and playing video games. So basically, it sounds like he's turned into a 24-year-old fanboy who still lives in his mother's basement. It is worse than I thought. However, at least he's not tap-dancing in public bathrooms or getting a sudden case of the Zzzzzzs while driving. That's good, I guess.

I'm actually surprised their relationship lasted this long. It's one thing to know that your boyfriend is out licking on another dude's taint, but constantly being woken up by the police to bail his ass out of jail doesn't sound like fun. Go ahead and fuck on another bitch, but don't fuck with my sleep!

UPDATE: George has denied away that Kenny put his ass on the curb. George's spokeswhore had this to say: "There is no truth in the matter at all. Kenny has been away in Dallas where he owns a gallery but is scheduled to return home this Friday. They are planning a lovely weekend together."