Christina Aguilera

Stock in red lipstick will DROP! Yesterday in Los Angeles, Xtina wasn't wearing any red grease on her mouth lips while picking out a pumpkin with her family. She looks so.....natural and naked. It's like catching your auntie with no clothes on. It makes me feel uncomfortable and a little scared. Tubes of red lipstick are weeping!

However, it was smart of Xtina to wipe off the layers of orange from her mug before she went to the pumpkin patch. Because if she didn't, she'd end up in some family's window sill with a candle in her mouth.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Xtina put on her day make-up (3 pounds of creamy foundation made from the blended down skins of virgins and six layers of the Mattel-brand lacquer they use to paint Barbie's lips) to take Baby Max out shopping for clothes. Baby Max had to wear sunglasses to hide a tiny black eye. It happens. You have too much to drink and accidentally bump into an annoying ass coffee table while crawling to your crib. Kids do it all the time.

But somebody should have told Max that he could have easily covered up that black eye just by wiping against his mother's cheek. BAM! Just like that, black eye concealed! Maybe he already knew this, but didn't want to waste one full day soaking his face in a bowl of paint remover and vinegar just to get all the make-up off.

You can always count on Xtina Tanguilera to make you feel like you need to dunk your head in bleach and then give yourself a face scrub using OxiClean. Xtina never fails to make my pores cry.

She always looks like a lil' gay boy with a weak wrist and a dangerous obsession with Jem! (aka me circa 1986) did her make-up.

You know that whenever new pictures of Xtina come out, the government breathes a sigh of relief, because they know there's one less industry they need to bail out: The fucking cosmetics industry.

Here's the always natural Xtina at Tao in Las Vegas last night with joo-ree designer Stephen Webster.

Cher just might tear herself away from her custom-made oxygen crypt long enough to shoot scenes in Xtina's debut movie Burlesque (I want to see jazz hands in the air when you read that title).

It was already announced that Xtina would star in the movie musical as a small-town girl who dreams of being a singer but finds herself thrusting her crotch at a burlesque club. The working title should be, Showgirls: The Whores Are Alive With The Sound Of Music!

Entertainment Weekly says that Cher is in final talks play the owner of the club. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!! !!!! Seriously, the camp level of this movie will hit the heavens if Cher is in it. I mean, Cher and Xtina wearing sparkly nipple tassles while singing and shaking their chichis?! All this ridiculousness needs is a random scene where Joan Collins storms into the club and slaps Cher for no reason. That would make this soon-to-be cinematic wreck the glittery cherry on top of my life sundae. Is it really too early to order my tickets on Fandango?

And if you live in the Los Angeles area, you better stock up on all your cosmetics right now. This movie is going to empty out every single make-up counter in the city.

The eagerly anticipated (not really) film debut of Xtina is upon us! Variety says Xtina has signed on to star in Burlesque, a movie written by the chick who wrote Erin Brokovich and directed by Troy from Goonies. The movie was written with Tranny Clown in mind and will start shooting later this year.

As for the plot.... Just take one part Showgirls, one part Glitter and blend together. Pour into a glass and sprinkle just a little bit of Coyote Ugly on top. There you go:

Aguilera will play an ambitious small town girl with a big voice who finds love, family and success in a Los Angeles neo-burlesque club.

If the rest of the cast is also played by drag queens, then this is going to be a masterpiece that could top Showgirls as the cinematic experience of my life. I just don't understand why they didn't just save their coins and release Xtina's home movies instead. I mean, small town girl singer becomes a glorified pussay peddler? That is her life!

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

These pictures of Xtina and Bat Boy Christmas shopping yesterday reminds me of a couple of things. First of all, don't ever get your haircut like this or you'll look like a rockabilly chola on the short bus. Also, Christmas is basically fucking here and I haven't bought shit! Eff the season of giving!

This past weekend I wasted so many hours trying to buy shit for people, but I suffer from this disease called extreme selfishness, so it's hard for me to purchase crap for others. I could have bought myself a ton of good shit, but I had to keep reminding myself about the task at hand. I basically gave up and decided to drink a few peppermintinis instead.

This is what's going to happen. Come Christmas day, my family will get a ton of gift bags (who wraps anymore?) with pictures of different items in them. I did that shit last year. For example: my sister will open a bag and pull out a picture of the Sex and the City box set with an attached note that says "It's coming!!!" One year I even made a fake coupon with the words "Valid for a $40 gift certificate to American Apparel" on it. My selfish lazy ass couldn't even go out and buy a stupid fucking gift certificate! I'm the worst of the worst.

If you're going to dress as Alex DeLarge for your 28th barfday party, you should at least wear the most important part of the costume: the crotch plate! I thought of doing that shit for Halloween just so I could walk around in public with a stuffed dick area without dumb whores giving me the side-eye or dragging their kids away in disgust. Without the mega crotch cup, you just look like Boy George making his Mormon sex fantasy come true.

And I'm sure by the end of the night, Bat Boy's costume looked like Tommy Girl's ass rag thanks to drunk Xtina getting her fake tan grease all over it.

We all know that Xtina has been sending Bat Boy to Lady GaGa's dumpster in the middle of the night, so that he can go through it and take her old clothes, wigs and clip-on bangs. Well, Xtina is playing dim in the brains and told the L.A. Times that she doesn't know what a GaGa is.

When asked what she has to say about whores saying she jacked Lady GaGa's look, she answered: "You know, that’s funny that you mention that. This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect."

They have so much more in common than I thought. Most of the time I don't know if Xtina is a man or a woman either. And she doesn't live under a rock, she lives in a cave! That's the only way Bat Boy can get any sleep.

Here's Xtina at some event last night looking like my rockabilly chola cousin Lupe after she went blonde one year. Although, Lupe's hair was hella patchy, because the cheap bleach she used caused that shit to fall out! HA! Dumb bitch.

No, this is not Dee Snyder and Catwoman's broken condom pre-op baby. It's Xtina in her new video for that "Keeps Gettin' Better" song. And no, it doesn't get any better. In fact, if you've watched the whole thing, you're probably asleep, having nightmares of that scary-tranny-clown-cat-creature-thing.

This shit is like "War Games," an "America's Next Top Model" photo shoot and a Chico's commercial rolled into one. Okay, I'll admit that I do like the Chico's portion of the video where she's riding a bike through a field of homo flowers. Although, she's not having a Chico's kind of day with that bootleg Lady GaGa shit on her head.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Thanks Donnie