Christina Aguilera

Here's Xtina, her son Max and her leased bag handler/piece Matthew Rutler leaving Cirque du Soleil's Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour in L.A. last night and for once I'm not going to say shit about her wearing camel toe-inducing leggings as pants. Because at least she's covering her legs! I spent a slice of my Saturday night analyzing the stream of WTF?! that trickled down her leg during Etta James' funeral and I can't handle an encore. So now I see TampaXtina's leggings as a Spandex condom protecting my eyes from the self tanner sweat or coochie blood that may drip down her leg. But since we're on that subject again, I don't think it was Aunt Flow's saliva or fake tanner runs. It was obviously delicious barbecue sauce from the McRib she keeps in her chonies for snack emergencies.

Let that screen shot be the warning label you need to stuff pieces of egg crate into your ear holes and hit the mute button on your laptop (Note: You can still hear Xtina's "soprano walrus giving birth while getting ass fucked without lube in a moving wind tunnel" yodel even with the mute button on).

Etta James was laid to rest in L.A. today and Xtina was invited by her family to sing "At Last" in front of mourners who should really get their knuckles chewed off for bringing their cell phones out at a damn funeral. I'm surprised their screens didn't shatter into a million pieces when Xtina's throat pushed out a sonic boom. My dog is still clinging to the ceiling and my ear drums are still lying at the opposite side of the room from listening to that last note. I swear it's like her voice is hanging on a bungee cord. Bitch's voice runs in circles, jumps up, hits the floor and does all sorts of cartwheels. It's like an acrobatic dog on the strongest kind of speed. Bitch SANG and it's a shame she didn't sing the orange off of her skin, because she's a few shades away from looking like a deep fried Cheeto and we all know what happens to deep fried Cheetos: they end up in the gulch of a Spears.

And Etta can finally rest in peace now that Xtina and her chichis are finished hollerin' and shit. But I do love open air titties in church.

UPDATE: Thanks to all of you who pointed out the shit trickling down Xtina's leg and in my professional opinion it's either:

a) Bitch is yelling her fake tanner off and the sweat caused it to run
b) Bitch's asshole is crying tears of shit, because she's clenching it so hard
c) Bitch pulled a Fergie
d) Bitch's pussy lips wore red lipstick too and it was starting to slobber off
e) Bitch is trying so hard that her tampon popped out and the bloody red river of embarrassment came streaming down

Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC's Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS.

We've got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they're slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we've got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there's Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there's Blake Shelton and Slappy the Dummy Carson Daly making my gay gene shrivel down into the shape of a shrieking vulva by hugging on each other like that.

A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way?

Wearing one of Mimi's favorite maternity dresses, Xtina busted onto the stage during Maroon 5's performance at the AMAs last night looking like an electrocuted poodle half-mummified in duct tape. Because Snookitina's bandage dress suffocated her body so tight that her lonjitas were popping out for dear mercy, some people are saying that if you looked in the wastebasket next to her toilet you'd find an e.p.t. with a blue plus sign on it. BUT NOPE! You might find an e.p.t., but it wouldn't be positive, it'd be drunk as three shades of hell from Xtina pissing out her 100 proof piss on it. That's not a human baby in Xtina's belly, that's a beer baby (the best kind of baby to be pregnant with, honestly).

Hating hos saying that Xtina's Miss Piggy look was marketing for the new Muppets movie are filled with jealousy. They wish they had a keg in their bellies like Xtina (and me after this weekend). PARTY IN MAH BELLY: Xtina can say it and you can't.

But what I'm most worried about is the fact that Xtina doesn't look like she just sucked off a melting candied apple. Where is the red lipstick?!!!! Unless.... Xtina's dress was so tight that it squeezed the red right off of her lips. That's all kinds of possible.

This morning, the lobby of the Belasco Theater in Los Angeles looks like a crime scene where a tangerine viciously murdered a family of cherries and that could only mean one thing: XTINA WAS THERE!

The Tasmanian She-Devil put on her party leggings and whirled through a video game launch party, eating every booze bottle, whore d'oeuvre and man in her path. Once every drop of hooch and cater waiter tray had been devoured, she stopped, let out a few huffs and then this happened:

Xtina gambled:

Xtina lost:

And when Xtina loses, everybody in a 200-foot radius loses. Emergency room nurses at the UCLA Medical Center now know why the number of fart inhalation cases that came in last night were up by a thousand percent.

Also, here's Xtina's beauty tip of the day: Before a night of drunken debauchery, go ahead and color your hairline with a bronzer stick. Bronzer it up all the way. I mean, your hairline is going to be covered in bronzer shit by the end of the night anyway, so you might as well look like you did it on purpose.

Back when Kelly Osbourne had a fupa that couldn't quit and an open invitation to join Celebrity Fit Club, she claims that Xtina constantly Mean Girl-ed her by calling her a fat fat fatty bitch. Well, now that Kelly's chunk has slid off of her body and made its way to the thighs of Snookitina, she's returning the favor. Kelly has already said on an episode of Fashion Police that Xtina called her fat for so many years and "who's the fat bitch now?," and she went back for more this weekend. Joan Rivers' brought up a picture of Xtina at the Michael Jackson Tribute looking like Axl Rose as Hatchet Face and Kelly said that even at her fattest she was never that fat. UsWeekly broke it down:

On E!'s Fashion Police Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

But Ozzy's daughter wasn't the only cohost to attack Aguilera's figure. "Lady Marmalade got into the peanut butter again," Joan Rivers sniped.

"I'm looking at this and thinking, 'Well, she's put on weight. This just isn't flattering,'" George Kotsiopoulos said. "But this is just a crappy outfit, regardless. No matter what shape your body is in, it's just bad."

Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," she said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."

Are we sure Xtina didn't murder the life out of Kelly's favorite puppy and use its red blood as lip paint, because DAMN. Kelly is holding onto that grudge tighter than a pair of Spanx panties holds down Xtina's bloated gunt. Yes, the feeling called sweet satisfaction trickles into my dead heart whenever I go on Facebook and see pictures of my junior high school bullies looking like a swollen anal gland with only two hairs on top, but you don't see me gloating all over their statuses. No, I upload their fugly picture to Hot or Not (yes, Hot or Not still exists) and laugh when they don't even get one star. That's what ADULTS do, Kelly!

As Hurricane Irene (EXCLUSIVE: whose face looks like this) fucks with the Caribbean, Hurricane Snookitina blew into Kauai yesterday, making the locals and tourists wonder why all the full booze bottles and red lipstick tubes started shaking like the emotion called "fear" is something they actually feel. Speaking of, an emotion called "h8ing jelizzy" will be felt by orange-glazed luau pigs when their souls take one good look at Xtina and wonder why that special bitch doesn't have an apple in her mouth too. Keep hating, luau pigs! To the left! To the left! No, really, roll to the left, because that part isn't cooked yet.

Before Xtina, Baby Max and her rent-a-bitch Matthew Rutler flew into Hawaii, her lawyers threw a threatening eye at those shirt stirrers Media Take Out for implying in so many words that her kid's black eye was caused by her sloppy drunk bitch ways. Xtina's rep quickly said that Baby Max has an ow under his eye from tripping over a rock while chasing squirrels. This shit makes sense, because ALL BOYS OF ALL AGES chase squirrels. ("Michael, you need to stop acting like you'd chase a squirrel even if it had a nut in its mouth." - you)

HOW DARE MEDIA TAKE OUT! Xtina is a seasoned drunk and a wonderful mother. She knows better than to handle her child while the whiskey is taking her higher (or lower, depending on who you ask). Any seasoned drunk parent knows that in order to keep your child completely safe while you're making mouth love with the sweet nectar, you have to tie them to their bed so they can't get into trouble. DUH. Everything you need to know about parenting you should learn from Ginger McKenna.

But seriously, if you're going to be a kid with a black eye, it's best to be a kid with a black eye whose mom is Xtina. When Baby Max wakes Xtina up in the afternoon and asks her why she's got a black eye and a bloody chin (aka runny mascara and lipstick), she can say that she got it from chasing Wild Turkey with a Grey Goose. That is the kind of mother son bonding I love to see.

Here's Xtina being carefully led out of a club in West Hollywood the other night with drunk eyes and a mouth full of smeared lipstick that lets you know when she wasn't sucking on her bitch's lips, she was sucking on a bottle of hooch! As for Matthew Rutler, he's got the mark of the Illuminati on his torso and the mark of the red lipstick beast scooted all over his mouth. These two raggedy ratchet hos had themselves a mouth party for two while the entire club probably watched with eyes wide open the same way they'd watch a sloth slurp up a bowl of mashed tomatoes in slow motion.

You know that the party didn't end here either. When they got back to Xtina's palace, she had a sword fight with Matthew's peen and a dill pickle in the jacuzzi before she passed out over the side above a puddle of regret. The gardener woke her up the next morning by blowing her face with a leaf blower. Snooki must be oh so proud of Snookitina!

The only reasonable explanation for this is that a swarm of locusts stole Xtina's red lip paint and the guest of wind from the four horsemen riding by pulled the 7 layers of bronzer out of her pores. Because this picture of a nearly SANS FARDS Xtina out with her boyfriend in NYC last night is what the stamp on your Apocalypse invitation would look like. Even her teeth have dimmed out of sadness because they don't have a frame of red lipstick around them. Seriously, this is image is making every cosmetics mogul assume the fetal position while contemplating their futures.

This look is what I like to call "hospital chola." It's what you would see if you visited a chola friend or relative in the hospital after she gave birth to the son she named after an oldies crooner (cholas love oldies more than they love Starter jackets). Bitch is too exhausted to pick up a Sharpie so she slaps on some fake eyelashes, dusts herself with Jordana eye powder and calls it a day.

Since it is Mother's Day, I will stop here. And it's not right for us to slap at Xtina while she's being attacked by a crimped beast who escaped from the compost pile of weaves in Brit Brit's backyard.

A few days ago, there was a blind item about how an A turned C list music star is getting heat from her label to whore herself out for record sales by doing some ESCANDALOSO shit. The blind item said that if the singer refused to do this, the label was going to do it for her and leak pictures of her in some compromising positions. At the time I was really hoping it would be Dionne Warwick, because you know she throws an extra-special cunt eye royale when she's got her seasoned goods out. Well, I gotta keep rubbing that lamp, because my wish is not going to come true this time. It looks like the answer is the broke down mess herself XTINA! If you guessed Xtina, come on down and collect your prize of nothing!

Radar reports that hundreds of R-rated pictures of Xtina partaking in some lukewarm ho shit at Nicole Richie's party in Cabo and in bed with her leased whore Matt Rutler are making the rounds. The pictures from June to November 2010 are up for sale and the pimp is an unnamed dude who claims they were found on a memory card left in a fancy hotel in France where Xtina stayed. Radar, who has seen the pictures, makes it sound like you could see more slutiness on your auntie's Facebook page. No lipstick-covered labia. No feeding her bare nipples with a JD bottle. None of that! This takes the extra R out of Dirrty. Here's what Radar says some of the pictures show:

1. Xtina and Matt kissing in a bed.
Escandalo rating: zero out of 5 lipstick prints

2. Xtina with two naked man strippers at Nicole Richie's party.
Escandalo rating: half of a faded lipstick print

3. Xtina pretending to suck off a dildo held by some dude.
Escandalo rating: 1 lipstick print diluted with a splash of tap water

4. Xtina sucking off a chocolate covered banana in some theme park.
Escandalo rating: 3/4th of a lipstick print on a plastic cup full of Mountain Dew

5. Xtina SANS FARDS
Escandalo rating: 50 OUT OF 5 LIPSTICK PRINTS!

Wash out everything I wrote above #5 with make-up remover, because I take it all back! Pictures of Xtina without make-up on? I did not know this was possible! This is something that not even Planet Earth was able to capture! A producer and a camera man camped out in her bathroom for 5 months and they never witnessed the wild Xtina in her unnatural state! Don't let those pictures of Xtina without make-up fool you. Remember that make-up mask Jane Jetson wore whenever she answered the video phone in the morning? Xtina wears one of those to throw people off. Except it's a SANS FARDS mask. Yup, she's got a face full of paint underneath that.

If this picture gets out, it will ruin her for good. She'll never be able to show her face in the MAC store in her basement again!