Christina Aguilera

Bitch looks like a tranny dressing as Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. I really think Maybelline created this woman. She's made of pure foundation, powder and rouge.

Xtina also needs to go in and have her implants rotated. It's time for a tune-up.

Here's Xtina taking her chichis for a walk in NYC today.

It looks like baby Max is the only one sleeping in the Bat household. Xtina looks spent. Either that or her 80lbs of make-up is putting pressure on her face. She's probably one of those crazy chicks that goes to bed with a full face on. Max's face is totally covered in Xtina goo which is like a mixture of stage make-up, spackle and spider legs.

And is it just me or do her legs look like they are about to buckle? It's the heavy make-up again! Even her legs can't support that shit.

Here's Xtina and Bat Boy arriving at their NYC hotel last night.

Bat Boy to himself: "How did I get here? Why is this happening to me? I just want to be in my cave, hanging upside down and sleeping. I is sooo tired."

Xtina to Bat Boy: "Bat ass! I can't lift my eyelashes again! Go out to the car and get the crobar."

Xtina and Bat Boy attended the Christian Dior Cruise collection last night in NYC. He should have been at home in bed. She should have been at home washing her face off with battery acid.

JLo and Skeletor were also there. Do you think that when Xtina and JLo cheek kiss, a new brand of foundation is born?

Bat Boy had to help a drunk Xtina get to their car after a night of partying in Los Angeles. This bitch is always drunk and she's a mother! Set an example. Actually, I would be drunk every night if I was a mother. Babies are stressful and booze is the only proper way of handling stress. Ask your doctor. He will tell you this is true.

And when is Xtina going to permanently tattoo red lipstick on her mouth already? She would save a shit load in kleenex, vaseline and lipstick fees.

Poor bat baby! He probably wakes up in the morning covered in red lipstick, because his drunk ass mother tried to kiss him goodnight after getting home.

It's nice to see that motherhood hasn't softened Xtina into a natural beauty. Looking like a drag queen hooker has become her signature style. This bitch has enough lipstick on her mouth to keep the Maybelline factory in business for years.

Baby Max is probably covered in red lipstick prints. He is definitely going to grow up being deathly afraid of lipstick. He will be on Maury in 10 years crying about how he can't go near a tube of lipstick. They will bring out a tube and he will run backstage in tears. It still won't beat the Maury episode featuring the chick that was afraid of pickles. I love that bitch! Every April 1st, her boyfriend probably paints his dick green just to see her meltdown.

Here's Xtina and Bat Boy at dinner yesterday.

What's up with this Hitchcock-inspired shit? It's everywhere and it needs to stop. Xtina tried to channel her inner Grace Kelly for Stephen Webster jewelry ads.

Xtina said she was honored to work with Stephen, "Stephen and I have been friends for many years and working together on this campaign and this collection has been an incredible experience. He's a wonderful designer with a creative spirit and innovative vision and I am honored to be a part of it all."

Please bitch! Honored my ass. He wrote the right number of zeros on your check. That's what got you to do it.

To put it bluntly, these ads suck. She looks like she's letting out a slow queef. Silent, but violent. Wait, do queefs smell? I don't want to know.

Nicole Richie's People magazine cover has outsold Xtina's People cover. MSNBC's The Scoop reports that Nicole and sad clown baby's cover is on track to sell around 1.8 million copies. Xtina and Max didn't even come close to that. A source said that Xtina never does well on covers.

They went on to say that people are intrigued by Nicole. “There’s also a greater element of curiosity with Nicole. She’s gone public about being a heroin addict. Her boyfriend is covered in tattoos. By default, she’s got the more interesting baby. People want to see how she settles down. They want to see what kind of baby someone with her background has.”

Interesting baby? Is that a nice way of saying she's got an uglier baby. People do like seeing ugly babies. It makes them feel better about themselves. Those two babies look the same to me. Switch them and I wouldn't even notice.

JLo is going to trump them all! JLo allegedly got paid around 6 million clams for her People Magazine cover. She better step it up if she wants to sell in this market. I'm proposing an all-nude family portrait. Well, everyone except Skeletor. I don't think my retinas could handle seeing Skeletor's bone.

The real loser in all of this is People Magazine for paying all that dough for these 3 skanks!

Xtina apparently wasn't happy that her People Magazine spread failed to ignite at the newsstands. Basically, nobody gives a fuck about her. Xtina was paid $1.5 million for the photos. When she found out that sales were dull, she reportedly went on a bitch rampage and fired her manager, one of her assistants and her PR Firm. A source told the NYDN that Xtina "went crazy."

This is what happens when you live in a bubble like she does. She thinks everybody loves her and will cream their chonies for pictures of her with her precious baby. It's a hard fall when you find out the truth. Luckily, her giants chichis are there to protect her.

Here's also some video of Xtina arriving in a boat to Villa nightclub last night. When I say "boat" I mean boat. That shit belongs on the water not on the streets. I blame Xtina for global warming!

Xtina was on Ellen today and I really didn't pay attention to anything she said. I just kept watching her massive chichis go up and down. They are much more interesting, because bitch is dull. Watching her interview with Ellen reminds me of running into someone you haven't seen in a long time and there's a reason why you haven't. They just blab on and on about their boring ass life and you're standing there thinking "When is this person going to shut the mouth?"

I did manage to catch the part about Xtina breastfeeding Max. Like she's really going to breastfeed. If she was afraid of labor, I'm sure she's not going to like getting her nipple bitten off by baby. She probably sprays it into his mouth from across the room while she looks at her People Magazine spread over and over again.

Xtina is a pussy. She said that she decided not to give birth to baby Max the natural way, because she was too scared and didn't want to go through the pain. She gave birth via c-section and booked in advance. That's how they do it in Hollywood.

She told Hello Magazine, "I didn't want any surprises. Honestly, I didn't want any [vaginal] tearing. I had heard horror stories of women going in and having to have an emergency C-section [anyway]. The hardest part was deciding on his birthday. I wanted to leave it up to fate, but at the same time I was ready to be done early!"

"Jordan wasn't squeamish at all. He had the video camera ready to go. The most reassuring thing for me was hearing that first beautiful cry. I just welled up with tears."

She actually cried? Didn't she care about fucking up her make-up? She probably got wet mascara all over her poor baby. I don't understand the c-section shit. Isn't a little tear in your pussy better than a big ass scar on your belly? It's called meds Xtina. All she needed was major meds and the pussy tear would have been nothing. Dumb ho!

Above is a picture of Xtina, Bat Boy and baby Max along with a bunch of dogs. That dog is bigger than Bat Boy. It's going to eat the baby! Hello! featuring Xtina hits stands on Tuesday.