Christina Aguilera

This bitch is drunk again! Bat Boy needs to throw Xtina in rehab already. Rehab for booze and red lipstick addictions. Hey, if Kiki can go to rehab for depression, Xtina can go to rehab for red lipstick addiction. Anyway, tranny clown had to be helped to her car last night as she left the Bel Air Hotel. Don't tell me she was just sleepy! The bitch is trying to stop the world from spinning so she doesn't barf.

I bet barfing doesn't even fuck up the 20 layers of whore paint she has on those lips.

These two should really be home rocking bat baby to sleep NOT out partying. They look like they were chewed up and spit out! They probably don't even have a good time at the club. They sit in the corner like two Debbie Downers, sipping on their Sex On The Beaches and nodding at each other every now and again. Bat Boy probably locks himself in the bathroom, turns off the lights, hangs upside down on the ceiling and tries catch a few zzzzzzs. Stay home!

And that lipstick on Xtina should be illegal. Shauna Sand and Barbie circa 1987 are the only two bitches that can pull off that shade.

Xtina's body is back! I don't know where it went, but it's a good thing she got it back. She might need it later on. In the new issue of UsWeekly, Xtina talks about her huge, wonky chichis.

She said, "It's kind of hilarious! I've never fit into an E-cup before. I look at my husband and go, 'Guess what size this bra is?' And when I tell him, he's just amazed. We keep the tags that prove it, to look back for memory's sake!"

I'm not sure how bra sizes work, but I choose to believe her. Silicone mixed leche makes the chichis grow.

She lost 40lbs in 4 months? Damn, she's slow. A trip to the lipo doctor would have done the trick in 40 minutes! Please, you know that's what she really did.

Image: Cover Awards

Somebody send the Dlisted carrier pigeon to Xtina with this message: "FIX YOUR WONKY TITS!" Her chichis are juggling themselves. She needs to see the doctor right now. That can't be normal. I also doubt baby Max enjoys his breast milk laced with silicone.

Bat Boy looks like he hasn't slept in years. Constantly having to fix the leaks in Xtina's boobies is keeping him up all night.

Bitch looks like a tranny dressing as Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. I really think Maybelline created this woman. She's made of pure foundation, powder and rouge.

Xtina also needs to go in and have her implants rotated. It's time for a tune-up.

Here's Xtina taking her chichis for a walk in NYC today.

It looks like baby Max is the only one sleeping in the Bat household. Xtina looks spent. Either that or her 80lbs of make-up is putting pressure on her face. She's probably one of those crazy chicks that goes to bed with a full face on. Max's face is totally covered in Xtina goo which is like a mixture of stage make-up, spackle and spider legs.

And is it just me or do her legs look like they are about to buckle? It's the heavy make-up again! Even her legs can't support that shit.

Here's Xtina and Bat Boy arriving at their NYC hotel last night.

Bat Boy to himself: "How did I get here? Why is this happening to me? I just want to be in my cave, hanging upside down and sleeping. I is sooo tired."

Xtina to Bat Boy: "Bat ass! I can't lift my eyelashes again! Go out to the car and get the crobar."

Xtina and Bat Boy attended the Christian Dior Cruise collection last night in NYC. He should have been at home in bed. She should have been at home washing her face off with battery acid.

JLo and Skeletor were also there. Do you think that when Xtina and JLo cheek kiss, a new brand of foundation is born?

Bat Boy had to help a drunk Xtina get to their car after a night of partying in Los Angeles. This bitch is always drunk and she's a mother! Set an example. Actually, I would be drunk every night if I was a mother. Babies are stressful and booze is the only proper way of handling stress. Ask your doctor. He will tell you this is true.

And when is Xtina going to permanently tattoo red lipstick on her mouth already? She would save a shit load in kleenex, vaseline and lipstick fees.

Poor bat baby! He probably wakes up in the morning covered in red lipstick, because his drunk ass mother tried to kiss him goodnight after getting home.

It's nice to see that motherhood hasn't softened Xtina into a natural beauty. Looking like a drag queen hooker has become her signature style. This bitch has enough lipstick on her mouth to keep the Maybelline factory in business for years.

Baby Max is probably covered in red lipstick prints. He is definitely going to grow up being deathly afraid of lipstick. He will be on Maury in 10 years crying about how he can't go near a tube of lipstick. They will bring out a tube and he will run backstage in tears. It still won't beat the Maury episode featuring the chick that was afraid of pickles. I love that bitch! Every April 1st, her boyfriend probably paints his dick green just to see her meltdown.

Here's Xtina and Bat Boy at dinner yesterday.

What's up with this Hitchcock-inspired shit? It's everywhere and it needs to stop. Xtina tried to channel her inner Grace Kelly for Stephen Webster jewelry ads.

Xtina said she was honored to work with Stephen, "Stephen and I have been friends for many years and working together on this campaign and this collection has been an incredible experience. He's a wonderful designer with a creative spirit and innovative vision and I am honored to be a part of it all."

Please bitch! Honored my ass. He wrote the right number of zeros on your check. That's what got you to do it.

To put it bluntly, these ads suck. She looks like she's letting out a slow queef. Silent, but violent. Wait, do queefs smell? I don't want to know.