Renee Zellweger

While some hos are moaning "NOOOO!!!!!!", Squinty Zellweger's stomach is letting out a cry of happiness, because it's finally going to get filled with something other than beard glue, dried kumquat seeds and coffee. That's because Entertainment Weekly says that a third Bridget Jones movie is about to slide down Hollywood's culito, which means that the fruit fly who weighs less than an actual fruit fly will be reunited with food again!

The plot and other details hasn't been given up yet, but last year Colin Firth explained the possible plot like this: “I can tell you that Bridget and Mark can’t have children, I think that’s the way it goes on. So then she makes the huge mistake of going back to Daniel Cleaver [Hugh Grant's character] for long enough to get pregnant. And I think he dumps her, and she’s left stranded, and guess who comes back to rescue her?”

Same damn love triangle with the same damn people. Bridget Jones 3: Trying To Make History By Being The Only Movie To Get Less Than 0% On Rotten Tomatoes. That shit plot sounds as torturous as watching Squinty's optometrist try to do a glaucoma test on her. But at least Squinty will be back to looking human. Shit. That's if she doesn't get sneaky by pulling out a fat suit. Just tell her that all fat suits are straight and she won't go near their asses.

Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.

And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.

Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.

And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.

Renee Zellweger made those kinky hos out there with a shoulder blade fetish salivate when she walked into an event at the Tommy Hillfiger store in Milan yesterday. Even Renee's shoulder blades pucker! Those blades are so damn erect that you could sit and spin on them. If Squinty passed out face down in the middle of a garden, lady bugs could play a game of racquetball off of one of her shoulder blades. Those are blades that even Mother Nature loves.

If you've got yourself a newborn baby but no crib, don't fret. Just gently lay your baby between Squinty's blades and walk away. That baby won't roll himself to brain damage thanks to Squinty's blades!

And with a little bit of imagination and a whole lot of fur, Squinty's shoulder blades would look like Simon Cowell's hairy pecs. Oh, Ryan Seacrest is totally going to ask Squinty out now.

This is turning out to be the worst week ever for contract couples beards love! Cherub's wings already wilted once when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas announced their split and now comes the news that Renee Zellweger no longer has the squints for Bradley Cooper. If John Travolta and Kelly Preston announce their divorce this weekend, then it's pretty clear that the ancient art of bearding is on its way into the casket.

A source (aka the intern in Bradley Cooper's publicist's office) tell People that after 2 years together, B.Coop and the test tube baby of Tinkerbell and Lemonhead have moved on to different genitals. This comes after Star Magazine claimed that B.Coop was possibly passing his peen to Jessica Biel and Sandra Bullock. Poor Squinty's probably squinting, puckering and crying so hard that her face turned inside/out. It's going to be like that all weekend, I'm sure. Damn, B.Coop!

Spokeswhores for B.Coop and Squinty pursed their lips and closed their eyes when People asked for a comment.

I used up all my cynical "fake ass relationship" jokes on Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene this week, so I'll simply end this post by saying: GO SEE BRADLEY COOPER'S MOVIE LIMITLESS WHICH HAPPENS TO COME OUT TODAY!

Whenever Renee Zellweger would watch her boyfriend Bradley Cooper work out with a hot female trainer named Ashley Conrad, she would squint with all her might in anger until her b-hole started blowing steam (the most action she's gotten in a while). Apparently, Squinty became insanely jealous of Ashley and demanded that B. Coop stop working out with her.

A source tells The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) that B. Coop doesn't want to frazzle his beard, so he did as he was told. The source went on to say, “She forbade him from working out with any female trainer. Not wanting to rock the relationship, Bradley agreed to stop working out with the girlies.”

B. Coop's master plan worked! Squinty finally took the bait after weeks of B. Coop coming home and talking about how Ashley's heaving bosoms makes it hard for him to concentrate on working out. I would've loved to see the victorous smile on B. Coop's face as he gazed into his new dude trainer's bulging crotch while bench pressing. Success is a happy peen hole.

Or maybe Squinty knows what's up, and she wants to make sure that she's B. Coop's sole face merkin.

Squinty Zellweger not only resembles a lemon-sucking blonde version of Liza Minnelli, but apparently she's got the same thirst for (allegedly) gay husbands. See Kenny Chesney.

Page Six seems to think that Squinty is planning on marrying her Bradley Cooper, because she went wedding dress shopping at Carolina Herrera in West Hollywood last week. A witness type said that she looked at dresses for nearly two hours, and coyly smiled whenever someone asked her if she was getting hitched. Squints left with a garment bag in hand.

Squints is going for some kind of professional fag hag record! Maybe she actually likes spending her wedding night nibbling on a piece of cake in the corner of her suite while listening to her new husband sloppily eating another dude's ass in the next room? Or maybe she just likes weddings. And the best way to party at a wedding is to do it next to a gay!

While a straight man might roll his eyes or let out a mouth fart when they release the white doves into the sky, a gay's heart will flutters right next to yours. And while a straight dude might not give a fuck what you look like during the reception as long your ass puts out that night, a gay will make sure you look like elegant perfection from top to bottom at all times! So I get it, Squints. I get it.

Here's B.Coop and his Pledge-scented beard going to lunch with their parents in NYC yesterday.

When Kenny Chesney and Squinty Zellweger quit each other after only 4-months of marriage, they cited "fraud" as the official reason for their annulment. Everybody figured "fraud" was just a legal word for "Renee has a vagina." For the first time since their split, Kenny spoke to Oprah (via Toronto Sun) about why their marriage didn't work out. It's because Kenny's box was way too full! Power bottoms and their problems!

Kenny, who is tangier than a rack of honey barbecued pork ribs, said, "I look at it as a box, my life as a box... so everything that I put in ... learning how to play guitar - put in that box, friends I made - I put in that box. My career grew and everything around me, all the awards and all the songs I wrote and all the success, everything, I put in that box. And that box grew to this wonderful house. You protect everything and all the relationships and all the people that helped you build that house... I protected that box and I didn't know if I could do both. She was a sweet soul, no doubt about it."

Kenny and his damn box. All he had to say was that Squinty didn't know how to make his box burst (aka bitch's strap-on skills are whack), which is why he shaved her off and sent her back to the barber shop. And speaking of hot boxes....

While I was looking for pictures of Squinty, I came across this piping hot piece who is speaking my language:

B. Coop thinks it's absolutely fantastic that people are saying he let Victor Garber tickle him in the pink (he bleaches) back in the day. In case you're just joining us, there was a blind item floating around that many (including this bitch) thought was about Victor Garber and Bradley Cooper.

B. Coop, who is currently starring in Reese & Jakey: The Sequel with Squinty Zelleger, told The Independent (via DS) that he has nothing but laughs for that rumor, "People thought we were dating. It was all over the internet. It was the first time I read a rumor like that about me, and I just thought it was fantastic."

Yes, I'm sure the thought of Victor Garber dick-tapping him on the nalgas made Bradley laugh for hours. Bradley laughed until a wave of saliva poured out of his mouth onto his chest....and then Bradley kept laughing. Bradley had to pinch his nipples to try and stop the laughter, but it didn't work at first. So Bradley continued to laugh laugh laugh away while pinching at his wet nipples. Bradley laughed, pinched, laughed, pinched, laughed, pinch, etc.. etc.. Finally, after Bradley had no more laughs to give, he excused himself to change his panties in the bathroom.

Because everyone knows that the quickest way to becoming a fag's main hag is to charm his mother, the gay fly paper known as Squinty Zellweger hung all over Bradley Cooper's mother while shopping for furniture in Los Angeles the other day. B.Coop's mama je'e, who kind of looks like Janice the Muppet after eating Fozzy Bear, was in town for the Christmas holiday.

Squinty looks like she just swallowed an entire bong. Acting all giggly and shit. Bitch needs to keep it together. And B. Coop's mother looks like she's trying to figure out why her son's lovely new boyfriend uses the ladies restroom and keeps tampons under his bathroom sink.

Contract negotiations must really be getting serious between Squinty Zellweger and Bradley Cooper's lawyers, because Page Six claims that the two are looking for a house in Los Angeles with plenty of walk-in closets.

One "source" (code for B.Coop's weekend publicist) said, "Until Renée, Bradley had a reputation as a ladies' man and a heartbreaker, but he seems so happy with her. They prefer to stay in rather than hang out at show- business parties, and he has already introduced her to his parents."

Everything's going according to plan so far. Meet the fake love of your life, fake date them for a while and move into a fake love nest with them. After that, you fake marry them and then have a fake baby with them! B. Coop and Squinty have definitely been reading "Tommy Girl's Barber Shop Handbook."