Mel Gibson

And she deserves every cent she ripped out of those sugartits. The divorce papers between jacuzzi suckjob enthusiast/psychotic racist Mel Gibson and wife Robyn Gibson (well, she now goes by Robyn "I Got Mine" Moore) have been signed, sealed, and delivered.

Ladies - you can stick around while he starts his own Jews Killed Jesus church. You can stick around while he insists on knowing if the cops pulling him over for drunk-drivin' spin a dreidel during the holidays and refers to them by their swingers club code names. And you can stick around when he makes shitshows like this. But once he knocks up a slightly more refined, orchestral version of Octomom and then gets his completely crackers rants at her recorded and played all over the world (and then reportedly knocks up TWO OTHER WOMEN) - shit's over. Turn the jets off, pull the tarp over that particular hot tub, and go shopping, sweetie.

 TMZ says that the Gibsons net worth is a little less than 900 million. And there wasn't a prenup. They didn't friggin' have friggin' prenups in 1970s Australia (cue a soft chuckle from Ms. Moore)!

Have you seen The Road Warrior? They probably got married on a surfboard and cracked cans of Fosters over each other's foreheads instead of exchanging rings. Shit was rugged.

The Gibson are said to have negotiated the money biz for over a year. And bitch got HALF.

If you need Robyn, she will be building a Jewish homosexual disco next to Mel's church that's made out of rubies and champagne flutes, and flashing her new pussy tattoo ("$425,000,000!") at him from off the balcony. Think of how many of those weird Queen Victoria collection-plaid flower collar- "we're not fucking tonight" hell dresses and 1990's Susan Powter-butch bitch cuts you could afford with that take!

Mariah Yeater isn't the only trick who's slowly pushing Maury toward an early retirement so he can finally escape the paternity test fuckery. Star Magazine (via Radar) is reporting that some nobody from a short-lived reality shit show called Secrets of Aspen is telling her friends that she's pregnant with a blank check signed with Mel Gibson's old man jizz. Mel Gibson's dick: truly the gift that keeps on giving gold diggers the debit card baby of their dreams.

A source close to Laura Bellizzi claims that the fetus growing in her uterus is nearly 4-months old and she's trying to keep the identity of its father a secret from the media. Laura took a few unprotected rides on Mad Mel's wrinkled Swastadick over the summer after mutual friends introduced them. One of Laura's friends, Bridgette Willis, tells Rumor Fix that Mel is the father and the only way he'd be happier about this is if his newest spawn was born with a Hitler stache and sugar cube nipples. Bridgette put it like this:

“In fact, it was not long at all after she and Mel met that she became pregnant with his child. I don’t know if the baby was planned but I know Laura has told me that she and her parents are just so happy!

Laura told me, ‘Mel and I have a connection we are deeply connected. We talk every day on the phone.’ I believe from what Laura has told me Mel Gibson’s intentions are to keep this pregnancy under raps. Mel Gibson is taking care of Laura financially. This will include a luxurious home in a prominent gated community in Ladera Ranch in Orange County that she will soon move into. Also, she has told me that their baby will be enrolled in an elite private pre-school in San Juan Capistrano, CA. Last I was told there is a pre and post birth arrangement that has been instilled by Mel Gibson that will also include a trust fund for the baby. Laura has told me that she hasn’t asked for anything from Mel Gibson.”

Laura's lawyer denies that Mel is the co-maker of her unborn child and Mel's rep says this is a pack of lies. But I'm not sure....

The last time Mad Mel didn't destroy his anti-Semitic sperm fish by wrapping a rubber yarmulke over his peen head before sticking it in, he was exposed as an abuser of ladies, babies, Jacuzzis, telephones, voicemail boxes, ottomans, ear drums, nerves, etc... etc... So is Mel stupid enough to do that shit again? Yeah, totally. Mel is no match against an ambitious gold digger with smarts and drawing skills!

Mad Mel made a vow to only cum during a blowjob before Jacuzzi, but Laura wasn't going to let that stop her. Laura painted a beautiful Aryan lady face over her labia lips, threw a wiglet over the face and then did an elbow stand. Then as Mad Mel approached her, she used the ancient art of cuntriloquism to flap her coochie lips as she said, "Oh, my Catholic Prince, allow me to blowjob you before Jacuzzi." BOOM. Pregnant. Bitch is the Einstein of gold diggers.

That's the spirit, Mad Mel. If you can't get a trick to blow you before Jacuzzi, do the blowing yourself. I've said it before, if you can't beat 'em, blow 'em, but Mad Mel went above and beyond by blowing and beatin' them at the same time!

Last night in Beverly Hills, the roof of The Beverly Hilton almost cracked and exploded into space from the force of a million swollen egos when Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux and Jodie Foster all gathered in one ballroom to honor Robert Downey Jr.'s contribution to American cinema. And by "contribution" they really mean his role in Weird Science.

After Sean Penn, Jennifer Aniston and Mel Gibson all licked on RDJ's taint by showering him with kind words, he used his time on stage to defend his friend Mel. Oh here go hell come....

“This is my fuckin’ time. Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldn’t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility – he called it hugging the cactus – long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.

Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong fucking industry, you should forgive him and let him work."

Don't tell us what to do, RDJ....unless you're about to tell us to nibble your nipples in a gentle manner.

The way I see it there's three kind of people:

1. The people who won't forgive Mel Gibson, because he's an anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole and just when they start to feel like he's changed his crusty mouth shits out another racist nugget. The glum cunt just keeps fucking up and he can't even get a blowjob!

2. The people who have forgiven Mel Gibson and can watch his movies without seeing him as the lady-abusing, anti-Semitic canker sore on a dehydrated asshole that he really is.

3. The people who have looked under the bed, searched the cushions of their sofa, checked the back of their fridges and still can't find one fuck to give about Mel Gibson.

Even if we were all #1 people, Mel's dumb stupid busted ass would still be fine. The shitbag has millions and a Jacuzzi jet to keep him company for the rest of his days. RDJ should've saved his words for somebody who really deserves them, like his Soapdish co-star Cathy Moriarty. Now that is a bitch who really needs a major movie comeback in a big way!

Here's more pictures from last night's American Cinematheque Awards. I wish there was a picture of Sean Penn and Mel Gibson together. Together they would look like a wrinkly and crusty old man nutsack glistening under a tanning bed light.

It was nice of Mel Gibson to make an OY! THIS BITCH face so you don't have to.

The Hollywood Reporter says that noted supporter of the Jews and honorary rabbi Mad Mel somehow got Warner Bros. to back the movie he's writing about Jewish hero Judah Maccabee. In other news, Michele Bachmann has announced that she's quitting the "trying to run for president" thing to make a documentary about Robert Mapplethorpe.

Wikipedia says that Judah Maccabee is one of the greatest warrior heroes in Jewish history who led a revolt against some king named Antiochus IV, took over Jerusalem and restored the Holy Temple. That victory is now celebrated by Hanukkah. It makes sense that Mad Mel would be the one to write this story since whenever you think of Hanukkah, you immediately think of Mel Gibson! Wait. Stupid ass me. I'm getting my "kah" sounds confused again. Whenever you think of Mel Gibson, you immediately think of the word "cunt." Yeah, that's what I really meant.

Mel doesn't know yet if he wants to direct or take a role in the movie. He's currently just writing the script with my favorite screenwriter Joe Eszterhas. And why is Joe Eszterhas my favorite screenwriter ever? Here are 4 reasons why:

1. Basic Instinct
2. Sliver
3. Showgirls
4. Jade

The Hollywood Reporter is also reporting (no, they're not) that John Galliano is in talks to design costumes, Vanilla Gorilla has already signed on to play the lead role and Mel's contract states that he must get paid with blowjobs before Jacuzzi (still not going to happen, but nice try, you glum cunt).

Last year, Mad Mel Gibson offered Oksana Grigorieva $15 million as a break-up settlement in exchange for a blow job before jacuzzi (you can't blame an asshole for trying). After OctoSana shook her head no to that offer (which because of her inner tube lips sounded like the dick slap dance from Kids), Mad Mel offered her $15 million straight up. That's when OctoSana took a gold digger gamble by turning Mel down and decided to take him to court instead. Well, in case you couldn't tell from the fuck my life face she's making in that picture above, bitch gambled and LOST.

TMZ says that when OctoSana turned down the $15 million last year, she tried to make it sound like she did it because part of the settlement included Mad Mel spending unsupervised time with their daughter Lucia. But their source claims that she thought her shovel could hit more gold if she dragged his crusty prune face to court.

Today was court day, and when OctoSana put her open palms out to collect her money, the court put a single $750,000 coin in her hands. $750,000!!!!!! The court stenographer immediately stopped her typing to play this sound on a boombox:

That's not even worth a fart from that original $15 million settlement! If that isn't already a kick to a gold digger's shovel, the settlement also gives Mad Mel even more unsupervised visits with his daughter.

The $750,000 will be paid over the next 5 years. The house she's living in will be sold and that money will go into a trust for their daughter. OctoSana and Mel will share both legal and physical custody of Lucia. OctoSana will also get child support every month, but that amount wasn't disclosed. Both OctoSana and Mel agreed to never speak of their relationship to the media again.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Let this be a lesson to gold diggers everywhere. When you make a baby with a Jew-hating, child-punching, anushole monster who has the face of a peach seed shat out of a walruses' ass and he offers you $15 million as a break-up settlement, TAKE THAT MONEY! Use it to change your name to Diabetes Tits Grigoriewitz and immediately move into a jacuzzi-free house in the middle of Israel. Mad Mel will never come for you and you'll never have to hear the words "BLOW ME BITCH" come out of his face lips ever again.

Mel Gibson's movie The Beaver comes out next month so it's the perfect time for him to try to patch the gaping cracks in his already crumbling reputation by giving a somewhat candid and lucid interview about the leaked audiotapes and more! In order to keep the glum cunt's rage from simmering over, his anger management team insisted that the interview be conducted in a lukewarm jacuzzi with Mel's little Nazi soldier shoved in a jet. It worked, because Mad Mel didn't ask for one blow job (I think) or tell Allison Hope Weiner that she was dressed like a rape bait whore (I think) when he spoke to her for Deadline Hollywood.

The interview is longer than the therapy session you had to go through after listening to Mad Mel's complete Passion of the Glum Cunt rants, but I'll give you the ten-second-ish version. Mel says that he regrets what was said on those tapes, but then goes on to mouth fart that they were edited and the words that came flying out of his mouth in that one moment in time don't define him as a monster.

"I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality -- period. I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited. You have to put it all in the proper context of being in an irrationally, heated discussion at the height of a breakdown, trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship. It’s one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and doesn’t represent what I truly believe or how I’ve treated people my entire life."

When Mel said that first line, the jacuzzi jet spit his dick out from laughing so hard. Mel's anger management team furiously shoved it back in so that the interview could go on without him screaming at Allison if she's of the Jewish Weiners.

Allison then asked Mel if he's scared that his acting career is now in a coffin because of the tapes. Mel doesn't care if he'll ever act again.

"I’m beyond that, way beyond that. The whole experience has been most unfortunate. And so it’s not without all the downside.

I could easily not act again. It’s not a problem. I’m going to do something now because I want to do it and because it’s fun. I’ve already pulled another job and it’s going to be fun."

Sadly for Mel, the fun fun fun job he's talking about is not of the blow variety. The pre-jacuzzi blow job continues to elude him!

Allison brought up how a little percent of his Hollywood friends (examples: Whoopi and Jodie Foster) have defended him, but then asked him how he felt when some of the cast of The Hangover II came together to kick him out of the movie.

"You have to let that go. I sat here and talked to [director] Todd [Phillips] about it. I like Todd. How could you not like Todd? He’s smart and he’s gifted and so are the other people in the film. It’s okay. You just have to let that go."

Mel refused to go into the details of his divorce from his wife and sealed his lips when he was asked about the supposed $16 million settlement Oksana Grigorieva turned down, but he did have an answer for why he pleaded "no contest" to allegedly beating on OctoSana:

"I was allowed to end the case and still maintain my innocence. It’s called a West plea and it’s not something that prosecutors normally allow. But in my case, the prosecutors and the judge agreed that it was the right thing to do. I could have continued to fight this for years and it probably would have come out fine. But I ended it for my children and my family. This was going to be such a circus. You don’t drag other people in your life through this sewer needlessly, so I’ll take the hit and move on."

Mel then goes on to blabber on and on and on about his springtime Beaver, so you can read all about it on Deadline if that's how you want to spend your Good Friday morning.

Allison did ask a lot of pointed questions, but I still have a few that are lingering in my head area (not really). Did Mel ever get that beej or is it still hiding behind a corner laughing at him? Because of Michelle Obama's whole anti-obesity campaign, has Mel switched from sugar tits to the healthier agave tits, or even Stevia tits? Did Mel really want OctoSana to get molested by a pack of Nilla Wafers (I forget the exact quote)? Mel says that all of the anti-Semetic shit he spewed happened at a very weak, heated moment, but then what's his explanation for allegedly calling Winona Ryder an "oven dodger"? What did Veronica ever do to him? Should we call him Heather Gibson from now on?

These are the REAL questions that need answers!

Besides jacuzzi jets, Charlie Sheen and the KKK, Jodie Foster has been one of Mel Gibson's constant supporters and won't hold back when gushing sweet syrupy words that are strangely the same consistency of butt pimple puss. Shortly after all of our ears were raped by a pack of Mel Gibsons, Jodie was one of the first to come to his defense. Jodie is at it again. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their movie The Beaver (that title is still TOO EASY), Jodie continued to pour out love for Mel.

Jodie is laying it on so thick that you'd think Mad Mel broke into her trailer, stole a lesbian fuck tape off her laptop and is threatening to leak it through the Internet pipes unless she only has kind words for him from now on. Or maybe Jodie just has a movie to sell.

Roll your titties in a bowl of azucar and read what Jodie had to say about her beloved Mel:

Jodie on how Mel is yarmulke full of love: “He’s so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is. He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he’s not saintly, and he’s got a big mouth, and he’ll do gross things your nephew would do. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life.”

Jodie on how Mel has human organs despite what you've heard: “I know him in a very complex way. He’s a real person; he’s not a cardboard cutout. I know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don’t just walk away from them when they are struggling.”

Jodie on how Mel came to her during the whole OctoSana explosion: “We talked about it all the way through, about what was going on in his life. I don’t think he told me until it was something he couldn’t handle by himself.”

Jodie on Mel's insane rants: “I knew about that. He was upset. Then, on the last day of reshoots of Mel, it all came out.”

Jodie continuing to jack Mel off with a Fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's cooch: “God, I love that man. The performance he gave in this movie, I will always be grateful for. He brought a lifetime of pain to the character that we’ve been talking about for years, that I knew was part of his psyche and who he is. It’s part of him that is beautiful and that I want people to know, too. I can’t ever regret that.”

We get it, Jodie! Damn. You love Mel so much that you just want to wrap in him in a giant vagina and eat him up! You'd think Mel blew Jodie before Jacuzzi.

And I don't have a nephew, but I'd like to think that if I did he'd never tell anyone to blow him before Jacuzzi. I mean, toddlers shouldn't go in the Jacuzzi!

OctoSana and Mad Mel's never-ending custody battle dipped into donkey punch territory when she testified in front of a judge on Tuesday that he regularly brought the beat down on her during sex. TMZ reports that OctoSana testified under oath that whenever Mel's little Nazi soldier refused to do the Hitler salute, he'd whoop her ass to get it up.

OctoSana has already told the L.A. County Sheriff's Department that Mel hit her during a fight on January 6 of last year, but apparently she never mentioned that he likes to punch his way to a boner. There's no evidence that proves OctoSana is telling the truth, and vice versa. This has caused some to throw her a "you shifty little..." side-eye.

Who to believe... Who to believes.... This is one of those "crazy said, crazy said" things. But the real truth is, if you had to have fuck Mel Gibson, you'd probably punch yourself in the face before, during and after, so I don't think her claims are that far off.

Long before Mad Mel Gibson was barfing out hateful words directed towards Jews in the back of a police car, he was barfing out hateful words directed towards Jews while getting drunk at Hollywood parties. This is what Winona Ryder tells GQ Magazine in a spastic interview that sort of made my brain feel like it was tasered and then injected with liquefied ludes. But back to Winona's Mel Gibson story. Winona says that she was one of the first to watch a tiny black Hitlerstache grow over Mel's lip before her very eyes.

"I remember, like, fifteen years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And he was really drunk. I was with my friend, who's gay. He made a really horrible gay joke. And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about 'oven dodgers,' but I didn't get it. I'd never heard that before. It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, 'He's anti-Semitic and he's homophobic.' No one believed me!"

Why doesn't anybody ever believe Winona?! Just like the time nobody believed her when said that Edward Scissorhands is as gentle as a kitten's air kiss. Or just like the time nobody believed her when she said that she had no idea how that cashmere scarf ended up at the bottom of her bag. I believe her and the world would be a much better place if WE ALL believe her from now on.

And "oven dodgers", really? Ugh. It's a good thing that when I Google that horrific shit all I get is a picture of a delicious L.A. Dodgers cookie.

BABY IN A TURTLENECK ALERT! I've seen Ryan Seacrest in a turtleneck so I should've known that they make turtlenecks in tiny people sizes but now I know it's a for real thing. Add this into the shallow file of reasons to have a baby (right under "Because you can them after your favorite cocktail" memo). The adorable bundle of AWWWS in the baby turtleneck is Baby Lucia, the daughter of Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva. An adorable, innocent baby that is still years away from realizing that she would've been better off being raised by a jar of cold jacuzzi water than by two bat butt nuggets who are reinventing the word INSANE.

Here's another picture:

Who knew Mel was so maternal. I bet he's softly whispering into Baby Lucia's ear, "Ask that boy if he's Jewish." NO. He's saying, "Call him Sugar Tits." NO. That was not necessary, because TMZ says these pictures were taken at Mel's church in Malibu on Sunday afternoon.

The thing that bothers me the most about these pictures is that a tub of Baby Wipes is on the table. WET NAPS ARE NOT NAPKINS (No offense to Terrence Howard). One time I was at my cousin's house and I asked her for a paper towel. The bitch handed me a Baby Wipe like nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to wipe my hands with something that belongs on an ass. Err. Um. You know, just take a Baby Wipe to this entire paragraph and forget everything I typed.

UPDATE: I sit on my ass corrected! Those are Wet Ones on the table, which I'm told are totally different than Baby Wipes. So just pretend it's Baby Wipes on the table and read my rant again. Then erase it again with a Baby Wipe, or a Wet Ones, or whatever the hell you want to use.