Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson's biggest nightmare isn't Hello Kitty (You know, because she has no mouth to blow him with. It's Monday.), it's a recording device! Oksana Grigorieva not only kept all the secret recordings of Mel giving her that sweet sweet talk, but she also put his voicemails in a file titled "Now who's blowing who, cunt?!" And one of Mel's executioners, Radar Online, has rolled out the first of many.

In this one, Mel delivers the phrase of the day, "glum cunt," tells OctoSana that she should go fuck her ex Timothy Dalton, and even tells her to get it on with another piece while her son watches. When is Mel going to put down the phone and write for hentai porn already, because that's his true calling.

If you're sick of your carbon monoxide detector going off every time it hears Mel's voice, here's a few more touching quotes from him. It's basically the same old glum cunt shit:

“Did you get my last message about me being a bad father, and Tim (Timothy Dalton) being a great dad now? You didn’t hear that one? Well, you should go and f*ck him (Dalton), you know, you fickle cunt because I don’t care.”

“Okay. The game’s over. Let the new games begin so you can get it on with anybody else and your son can watch it. What is it? Number 45 he’s going to have to look at? Fucking good.”

“You’re a fucking fake. You’re a fucking sham. You don’t know what the fuck it means to make a man happy. You didn’t make me fucking happy., I couldn’t make you happy with the BEST I DID FOR ANYBODY, EVER! EVER. You fucking glum cunt!”

If Mel spent less time blowing his rage into the phone, and more time blowing a bong, he wouldn't be in this mess! Whoever is trying to fully legalize the good shit in California can use these tapes as a selling tool, because Mel sounds like he needs a bong shoved into both his holes.

And if there's a Hell below Hell, Mel will find it, because he just keeps digging and digging...

Mel Gibson just keeps on delivering the hits! Mel's rants are his way of Facebook poking Satan to let him know that he's still got it! Sadly, Oksana Grigorieva didn't record this latest Melocaust on our souls, so you'll have to use one of his older rants to scare the roaches from your apartment. Mel's voice is oral Raid.

Radar (Who else?) reports that Mel Gibson allegedly screamed that he wanted the Jewish blood of one of his enemies all over his hands. And by that, I don't think Mel meant that he wanted a new blood brother. From Radar:

The anti-Semitic slur was allegedly made by Mel in reference to a high-profile Hollywood figure who is Jewish and who Mel believed had “publicly humiliated” him.

Gibson hired individuals to place this person under surveillance, Oksana told authorities.

“Oksana says Mel told her, ‘I want Jew blood on my hands,’ and said he wanted the person taken to the desert, stripped naked, knee capped and left in the heat,” a source close to one of the investigations involving Mel told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

Gibson never followed through with his threats.

One minute Mel Gibson wants everyone to blow him, and the next minute he wants to rip the knee caps off a ho? How is a bitch supposed to blow him when they don't have any knees?! Maybe Mel truly is a gentlemen who will only let someone blow him if they're sitting on a velvet stool, because he doesn't want to degrade them like that.

And since Mel is screaming for blood like baby Nazi vampire, somebody should organize a used tampon drive for him. Just dump a truck full of bloody cunt plugs into his front yard. That should keep him busy for a while.

UPDATE: TMZ says that their very own Harvey Levin was told that Mel Gibson was out for his blood. OctoSana's rep Steve Jaffe told Harvey that Mel didn't like that TMZ broke the story about his Sugar Tits rant back in 2006. Steve Jaffe told Harvey that Mel hired someone to follow him to the gym. Mel's plan was to have Harvey kidnapped, knee capped and left to die in the desert. TMZ investigated the story and didn't find any truth to it. OctoSana claims she went to the police with the story, but Harvey was never contacted by the L.A. County Sheriff's Department. TMZ thinks OctoSana made it all up.

Mel Gibson isn't the only one who has a file with the L.A. County Sheriff's Department that is thicker than the hemorrhoid on top of his neck. A rep for the sheriff's office confirms to the NYDN that they have opened up an investigation into the claims from Mel Gibson's side that Oksana Grigorieva tried to extort millions of dollars out of him in exchange for the tapes we all play for the bill collectors who come calling for a coin. Instead of hanging up on the bill collectors, just put the phone over your laptop speaker and let Mel Gibson scare them off. Yes, the bill collector will probably triple your late fee, but you might get a blow job out of it!

The rep from the sheriff's office wouldn't give up any details, but a source tells The Hollywood Reporter that Mel has several text messages and e-mails from OctoSana revealing the reasons why she secretly recorded his rants. The source went on to say that Mel had previously agreed to give OctoSana $15 million in a settlement agreement. When Mel backed out of the deal, OctoSana began to hit the record button during her phone conversations with him.

The sheriff's department needs to open a third investigation into Mel Gibson trying to extort our souls with his lethal weapon of a voice.

They might call it "extortion," but I call "bitch is just trying to get hers." You can't just offer a gold digger $15 million and then Moonwalk away from the promise. It's not like OctoSana put a shovel to Mel's head and told him to call her "a cunt whore who deserves to get raped" before blowing her. You don't fuck with a gold digger like that. In the "NOT THE ONE" pyramid, gold diggers are right under memaws.

In a sixth audio tape that Radar released yesterday, Mel Gibson doesn't deny shit when Oksana Grigorieva accuses him making Lucifer's cackle stronger by hitting their baby daughter Lucia. Mel's lawyers told the child abuse claim to blow them, but OctoSana has picture proof! Radar Online just so happened to get a hold of OctoSana's proof and they published it just like they did with that picture of her with cracked veneers.

The picture of a then 2-month-old Lucia is here, so hold up your magnifying glass. Radar claims that the small abrasion on Lucia's chin was caused by Mel's fist during a fight with OctoSana.

Oksana told authorities that she was holding Lucia when Mel punched her in the mouth and then in the left temple, causing her to fall backward onto a bed.

She says the Oscar-winning actor/director then put a forearm across her throat and used the palm of his free hand to cover her face, causing her to gasp, struggle and fear for her life.

“Oksana said right after the incident, she observed blood and a small abrasion on Lucia’s chin, which was not there before the incident,” said a source, who is familiar with the law enforcement investigation.

“She photographed the abrasion that night.” Those photos are now evidence.

The picture has already been seen by the L.A. County Sheriff's Department and Child Protective Services.

To me, the picture looks like the "before" in an ad for Proactiv's new line of baby products. I see a baby pimple. But Mel Gibson would decapitate a baby bird with his teeth if it dipped its claws into his Jacuzzi, so I don't put anything past him. And instead of pixelating Baby Lucia's eyes, someone should pixelate Mel's face permanently.

In other Mel Gibson and a Vasectomist Should Hang Out news, TMZ reports that he allegedly threw OctoSana's 12-year-old son into a table at a party last year when the boy tried to playfully knock a cigarette out of his mouth. OctoSana's side called it abuse, but Mel's side said the boy accidentally fell by himself and he never harmed him.

OctoSana's son obviously hasn't read the surgeon general's warning on every pack of cigarettes which states: Don't ever try to knock one of these out of Mel Gibson's mouth.

And "Mel, you hit the baby" is the new "A dingo ate mah baby!" After taking a few days off from attacking the public with Mel Gibson's voice, Radar has launched a SIXTH tape (you can listen to it here) in their never-ending "What Women Want? Dickcapitation" miniseries. Your ears haven't been violated by Mel's voice in a while, so you should shove a freshly burnt toothpick in there to get them ready. Foreplay.

In this one, Oksana Grigorieva once again accuses Mel of punching her and their baby. Mel never comes out and admits it, but he does scream at her, “I want my child, and no one will believe you!" That's also what the Boogeyman said to the mother right before he grabbed her baby and escaped into the underworld beneath the bed. Every fictional and non-fictional villain has just announced their retirement, because they cannot compete with Mel's evilness.

Here's one of Mel's maniacal monologues from the tape which should replace his "OUR FREEDOM" speech in Braveheart.

"You need a kick up the ass for being a bitch cunt gold digging whore with a pussy son! And I want my child and no one will believe you. So fuck you! I'm not giving you my house and you can rot! Unless you crawl back, suck my cock and say you're sorry! In that order! Do you understand me? You fucking offend my fucking maleness! My masculinity! My being! My soul! And you call me a sinner? You are a fucking moving violation. If you get raped, it's your fault for showing off your fake tits like they're some special deal. How much did they cost, those fakers?! You complain about Mastitis? They are fake, baby! Come on you've got bladders in there, are you crazy?"

I wasn't sure if he called her fake breasts "bladders" but it worked for me, so I went with it.

And I love how he screamed, "IN THAT ORDER!" So if OctoSana crawled back, said she was sorry and then sucked his cock....that wouldn't work for him? That's some "Simon Says" shit! The picky fucking cuntmonster.

Radar Online has given your ear holes the day off from getting fucked without lube by Mel Gibson's voice, but they're going after your eye balls instead. Radar posted a picture of Oksana Grigorieva taken shortly after Mel Gibson allegedly punched her in the eyes and mouth while she was holding their baby. The picture is here if you need to see it. With the giant ass pink Radar over it, you can't really see any bruises on her face, but there's a clear view of OctoSana's broken teefs.

The picture has been turned over to the L.A. County Sheriff's department as evidence in their domestic abuse case against Blow Mel. OctoSana told the police that she lost a veneer and her front tooth got messed up something bad. OctoSana's dentist told police that he believes her broken teefs were caused by severe blunt force trauma. BUT (There's always one of those)....

TMZ's source is spitting up a different story. Their "law enforcement source" (It helped me to picture this dude as their law enforcement source) thinks something in the holy water ain't clean about the pictures and video of OctoSana's injuries. One source said that there's really no evidence that she was hit in the face. To them, it doesn't look like there was any damage to her soft tissue and her teeth remained intact. They said that one veneer was knocked out and another one was severely chipped. One expert believes that OctoSana might have done it to herself. SANTO DIOS!

Mel is crazier than a pack of rabid possums on a 5150 hold, so I totally believe that he's capable of bringing the passion of his fist onto anybody who goes into the Jacuzzi without him or refuses to blow him with a smile. Even thinking of blowing Mel makes my teeth hurt. And would OctoSana really pull some Taylor from Melrose Place shit by hitting herself with the door and then blaming it on Mel? Before you ponder that, let's give ourselves a brain cleanse.

Here's a kitten wrestling a watermelon:

via Buzzfeed

Robyn Gibson, seen here after getting her hair done by Edward Scissorhands, has submitted a 1-page sworn declaration to the L.A. County Sheriff's Department stating that Mel Gibson never buried her in a rose garden or beat her in the side of the head with a bat during their 28 years of marriage. According to TMZ, Robyn wrote:

"Mel never engaged in any physical abuse of any kind toward me before, during or after our marriage. Mel was a wonderful and loving father."

But did Robyn ever blow Mel? This is important information, because I don't think Mel has ever been blown. EVER.

And by somebody I mean a Jewish piranha. Liam Neeson has released yet another Kraken in the form of an audio clip of Mel Gibson whispering sweet precious pretty talk into the ear of Oksana Grigorieva. This is Radar's fourth part their never-ending "Eardrum MELocide" series, so you pretty much know the drill by now. Hit play, feel the terribles take over your soul, do a shot of whatever is available, laugh away like this mess is a South Park episode....and then feel depressed again.

Here's a few quotes. For a cheap thrill to your genitals, just picture Alexander Skarsgard giving you this dirty talk during role-playing. Or just picture a kitten meowing this. That works too.

Mel: “I deserve to be blown first! Before the fucking Jacuzzi! Ok, I’ll burn the goddamn house up, but blow me first! How dare you?”

Mel: “I should’ve woken you up and said fucking blow me bitch! I should’ve fucking woken you up and said blow me! You would’ve liked that better, yeah? But you need the goddamn sleep!”

OctoSana: "I waited for you."
Mel: “Waited and waited... What, two and a half fucking minutes?!!! You’re fucking snoring. Don’t you dare.”

Mel: "You wanted the number to my therapist? Don’t you ever speak to him! Find your own goddamn therapist! Because you’ve got problems more than me!”

Mel: “You gotta push my fucking buttons and it’s not going to work with us! It’s not! I can’t get like this anymore. And you know you’re doing it, and you’re a liar, and you’re dishonest ,and you’re fucked up! So you stay the fuck away from me!!!!! Take care of your fucking son and I better have my daughter! I want my daughter, and a maid… they make their goddamn bed, which you did not.”

Mel is obsessed with four things: yelling, heavy breathing, getting blown, and the fucking Jacuzzi. So why doesn't he stick his crucidick into the jet already like a normal person! Wait. Are we sure this isn't just viral marketing for Jacuzzi?

In related news, TMZ reports that OctoSana has been getting death threats over the phone. For OctoSana, a phone is a portal for dark-sidedness so she should probably just bury that shit in the rose garden for now.

The love story of our time continues! Radar Online has brought us the third chapter in Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Rant" series! This one is filled with so much romantic poetry that I'm sure brides and grooms will be slow dancing to it at their wedding for centuries to come!

If you don't feel like getting the cockles of your heart softly stroked by Mel Gibson's soothing voice, then here's a few quotes for you. Oksana Grigorieva gets a little more audio time in this tape:

Mel: “I will fire Concepcion (Ed Note: I made that name up, but I really hope her name is Concepcion) if she’s at your house. I will make it known and fire her. I’ll report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks! Okay?

Mel: “You fucking ignorant bitch! I don’t understand you. You’re saying stupid shit! How dare you fucking even insult me with some of the stupid reasoning you have. Your logic sucks because you’re a fucking mentally deprived idiot!”

OctoSana: “You made me moneyless. I used to have hundred thousand dollars a year when you met me. You took me, you possessed me. Everything I am you own me with my liver and my kidneys and my thoughts and my soul. Everything! My career, or whatever it is. Pathetic career. Whatever it is, it’s yours. You control me like marionette. I don’t belong to myself, only to you. I can’t do anything and I walk on eggshells always with you!"
Mel: "That's because you are a fucking using whore. I OWN YOU!"

Mel: "You probably fucked (name snatched out)! You know you did!
OctoSana: "Wow. I swear in front of God that I did not."
Mel: "Fuck an ugly man! You don't give a fuck as long as they pay your fucking rent!"

OctoSana: "The baby is crying. I have to go."
Mel: "Go look after my child!"
OctoSana: "She's my child too."
Mel: "Yeah unfortunately, you cunt whore! I hope she doesn't turn out like you."

You can come back to this tape whenever you need inspiration on what to write in a Valentine's or Mother's Day card.

At this point, Mel Gibson probably can't even land the title role in a community theater production of MEIN KUNT: The Mel Gibson Story, so he should try out an entirely different career.

With a voice like his, he should record alarms for Brinks. Even the hardest thief wouldn't continue to crawl through a window after hearing Mel scream at them, "YOU BETTER BLOW ME BEFORE YOU STEAL FROM ME, YOU GOLD DIGGING CUNT WHORE!" or "I WILL BURY YOU IN THE ROSE GARDEN IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP, YOU COMMON SLUT!"

via THG

I'm about to file a restraining order against recording devices for continually raping my ears with a pack of Mel Gibsons. Radar has released the sequel to Mel's "You Look Like A Bitch In Heat" rant, and this one is 8-minutes of Lucifer's newest spokesperson raging and huffing like Boy George after doing a sit-up.

To say that Mel needs to smoke a bowl out of a bong made of Valium while getting a Valerian enema in anger management class is an understatement. Mel has more anger in one of his ass lips than Christian Bale, Bill O'Reilly and Alec Baldwin combined.

In this latest rant, Mel admits to beating on Oksana Grigorieva and says that she deserved it. Mel also threatens to bury OctoSana in a rose garden. That is probably the most romantic thing Mel Gibson has ever said.

You can listen to the whole thing below:

We should turn this into a drinking game. Every time Mel screams out "cunt", "whore," or "WHAT?!", we should pour a shot of rubbing alcohol into our ear hole. Kosher rubbing alcohol, of course.

And if you don't feel like ruining your Monday even more by exposing yourself to Mel's voice, here's some quotes.

"You make me want to smoke. You fuck my day up!"

"You should just fucking smile and bloooow me, because I deserve it!"

"Go to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself. Go fuck the jacuzzi! You have no fucking soul! And my soul is screaming, because you don't want to join mine!"

"I left my wife, because we have no spiritual common ground. You and I have none! You won't even fucking try."

OctoSana - "You need medication."
Mel - "WHAT!? WHAT!? I NEEEED A WOMAN! Not a little girl with a fucking dysfunctional cunt!"

OctoSana - "I'll call the police."
Mel - "WHAT?! WHAT?! You fucking cunt! You're in my house!"

OctoSana - "You're going to answer one day, boy."
Mel - "WHAT?! WHAT?! I'll put you in a fucking rose garden you cunt! You understand that? Because I'm capable of it!"

I couldn't help but not laugh every time Mel barked out, "WHAT!?!" That needs to be remixed.

Image via Paunch Stevenson