Crazy

Anne Heche told the world that her ex-husband Coley Baffoon was a lazy loser and he told the world that she is a mean mean lady. So it's no surprise that a court has ordered that a perfectly sane adult needs to teach these two twats how to get along as parents. TMZ reports that a court-ordered "parenting plan coordinator" will be paid $375/hr to hold their hands and teach them how to make joint decisions together when it comes to their son Homer.

While I agree that these two need classes on how not to eff up their kid, I think they also need classes on how to behave like grown-ups who don't shit in their hands and throw it at each other (that wasn't meant for you Tommy Girl, carry on with your scat play). I'm sure Dr. Phil will volunteer his services. He works for relevancy. They just have to do the complete opposite of whatever Dr. Phil says. It's that easy.

And we should start taking bets on how long it will take for the parenting coach to strap themselves into a straitjacket and check into the nearest loony bin.

Drew Barrymore went to the TIFF premiere of her movie Whip It looking crazier than a Courtney Love tweet. This what bees look like when you drop acid. But you know, it works for her.

Even though her hair looks like a dirty broom that was used to clean the chimney, I don't hate HATE it. Yes, I've been eating a lot of sugar.

And Drew better have used a Sharpie to paint that black stripe on her mop or I'll take back everything I just typed!

When RPattz was filming in NYC, he always had to beware of crazed horny bitches trying to attack him like a bunch of dirty hyenas on carcass. Well, now that he's long gone they need someone to slobber over and that someone is Sarah Jessica Parker. Yeah, this doesn't seem right, but the world spins a different way nowadays.

Gatecrasher reports that security on The Golden Girls in the City movie is so tight that it looks like the president is in town. Crazy fans show up to the set at 7 in the morning hoping to catch a glimpse of one of those bitches.

When SJP was filming a scene the other day, a bunch of loony teen girls gathered around her and tried to pet her mane and feed her sugar cubes. One witness said, "At one point, teenage girls were practically trampling each other trying to get to Sarah Jessica as she was walking back to her trailer, but her security team was shoving everyone out of the way." SJP seemed concerned about the situation and told her security not to be so rough with the crazies.

Motherhell! Those bitches are acting like they've come in contact with the rare gayelle rainbow that is Rojo Caliente! I mean, I could understand going into convulsions if you're near Rojo, but not SJP! Shameful.

Here's some pictures of SJP outside of her house yesterday and also some pictures of Kim Cattrall looking like a prettier, younger, fresher version of Kiki Dunst while making her way to the SATC2 set.

A few months ago, 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario filed papers in a court claiming that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one of her four kids who are all now in their 20s. Karen asked the court to order Keanu to pay her loony ass $150,000 a month for child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Yes, CRAZY is a hell of a motherfucking drug.

I hadn't heard much from Karen since May, so I figured she got lost on the way to the crackhouse or she was busy writing love letters to murderers on death row (she seems like the type). Well, Karen is baaaaaaack and she's ready for the truth to be revealed! Karen told The Spec.com that she's happier than a methhead at Wino's house, because Keanu has agreed to submit his DNA for testing. Karen said, “It’s great news. Finally, we can get some closure on this. This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character, it’s about closure and getting some peace. This is a personal journey.”

Yeah, a personal journey to KeanuIsNotTheFatherVille - Population: Maury and YOU.

Keanu's publicist once again said that he claims he has never ever met Karen Sala, but wants to shut the door on the crazy, so he's willing to take the test to clear his name.

I'm sure if Keanu needs helping extracting the DNA from his peen hole, some of you whores out there will be willing to help him out in the name of JUSTICE. Just make sure you take a Terrence Howard-approved baby wipe to Keanu beforehand, unless you like butter on your sausage.

If Keanu turns out to be the father, I will adopt an Axolotl Salamander and name it Karen Reeves.

And how much do you want to make a bet that when it's revealed that Keanu didn't drop one in Karen, she will start claiming that she's the true mother of Blanket Jackson. Claire Cruise better sharpen her shank, because Karen is totally going to pull that shit.

Shelley Duvall hasn't made a movie since 2002 and the neighbors in her town say it's because she's too busy trying to keep the aliens from taking over her body. L. Ron Hubbard just jizzed in his chonies. So did Fox Mulder.

One neighbor of Shelley's in Blanco, Texas told The Globe (via CM) that she has been seen patrolling her backyard late at night, because she really believes her home is a portal for aliens. Another neighbor said that Shelley thinks she can communicate with aliens by flashing her car's headlights. The owner of a local hardware store also co-signed Shelley's obsession with aliens, "She mutters to herself and talks about aliens living in her body. One time she came in and asked for dirt and boards to block up a hole in her backyard because, she said, 'That's a portal into another dimension. That's where the aliens are coming in.'"

You know, watching The Shining effs with my brains a bit, so I can't even imagine how it fucked with Shelley. That being said, the whores of Blanco need to stop blabbing about Shelley's boner for alien shit. Seriously, if Tommy Girl hears about this, he's going to FedEx Stepford Katie back to Dawson's Creek, head to Blanco and make Shelley Duvall his next beard! We can't let that happen to Olive Oyl!

McSteamy and Rebecca Gayfart are going to have a baby. That's what Life & Style is saying. Sources say that the stars of the most boring celebrity "nekkid tape" of all-time are expecting one of those baby things in 5-6 months. Insert your very own customized "smackhead child killah is going to be a mom" joke here.

This source said that they have been trying to spawn for a while now and Rebecca even turned down highly important roles (sarcasm) in order to focus on getting pregnant. The source added, "She turned down the role of Penn Badgley's mother on 'Gossip Girl' because it was based in N.Y.C. and she didn't want to be away from Eric or travel that far. It was bad for her health. Rebecca also turned down a Hallmark movie and a Lifetime movie because she was trying to have a baby."

McGayfart have yet to confirm or deny this, so this could just be a rumor they magically conjured up to take the focus off of their bunk ass tape. You know what else they could've done to take the focus off that audacity? Leak a tape with actual fucking! I mean, that tape was a health hazard, because it gave bitches everywhere a serious case of blue balls. We're still waiting, McSteamy.....

VIA Ace Showbiz

Celestia, the rightful Queen of Planet CRAZY, trashed her ex-husband Coley Laffoon on Letterman last night and now he's responding. And he's really really sad-faced about it!

Coley, who you know was wearing a pair of pajamas he had on for 3 days straight, told UsWeekly, "After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television."

HA. HA. And HA. I love how he's making sure we know he has some kind of job and isn't sitting around waiting for the mailman to stroll up with another check from Anne. I mean, you know he was really trying to beat the last level on Fallout 3. Which is totally a full-time job in itself.

Coley also responded to Anne on his Facebook page, "I wish Anne Heche could see that public bullying isn't good for the soul or positive for her child. It's mean."

Coley should've just echoed what the majority has already said about Anne by issuing this statement: "CRAZY BITCH." It's simple, to the point and doesn't take a lot of keystrokes. Then Coley could have gone back to making skidmarks and organizing his animal crackers by species.

Actually, I don't think Celestia ever left the building. So, everyone, Ellen Degeneres' former scissor sister is still a card-carrying member of The Batshit Crazy Club. Check her wallet, you know she has a card and everything. In fact, I'm sure she's chapter president.

Anne Heche brought the crazies in a big way to Letterman last night. When Letterman asked Celestia about her ex-husband Coley Laffoon (I can't with that name), she raised her dress and shat all over him. Anne said he was a "lazy ass" who does the dick slappy dance every time he gets a check in the mail from her. Anne also launched caca bombs on the idea of marriage and said Letterman did the wrong thing by getting hitched to his lover. Anne, who has a PHD in lunacy, said, "Don't get married. Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do."

Taking marriage advice from Anne Heche is like taking mental health advice from Anne Heche. That being said, talking trash about your ex on national TV isn't a smart thing to do, but it is an entertaining one! I love it when this crazy bitch opens up her arms and unleashes the unbridled fuckery. Celestia, come back and visit us soon!

And you know, Portia de Rossi turned to Ellen and said, "You actually ate this wacko's snatch?"

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I've said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!

Even though that turtle is dead, stuffed, dehydrated and shellacked, it's still more sane in the brains than Courtney Love. Earlier this morning, CLove posted these pictures on her Twitter of her in bed with a taxidermy turtle. Yes, it's come to this. Only a dead turtle will get in bed with Court.....after she forces it. But seriously, is Court confusing turtles with toads and thinks that if you lick 'em up good you'll start walking on sunshine?

And if you aren't following Court's Twitter, you must. Your eyes may turn inside out from trying to figure out what the hell she's writing about, but it's worth it. Court's Twitter has taken me places I've never before. Whenever I'm done reading it, I drink a big glass of orange juice to keep my roll going.

VIA The Sun