Crazy

File this under: Why are humans the dominant species on earth?!

If this story isn't a good reason to start drinking rubbing alcohol and vodka on a Saturday afternoon, then I don't know what is....

At a park in Cambridge, Maryland on Monday, a bitch named Candy Michelle Vignari, gave birth to a baby girl....in a Port-A-Potty. Get ready to launch "Awww...Hell Naw" from the tip of your tongue, because it gets much worse. After the baby was born, Candy put her inside the caca-filled toilet, went outside and asked a construction worker for a cigarette. And we have lift-off!

The construction workers knew something in the milk wasn't clean when they noticed Candy covered in blood and womb jelly. When one of the workers tried to go into the Port-A-Potty, Candy told them not to because there was a baby in there. The police were called.

One of the workers said, "Right as the cops had pulled up I had seen her go back into the port-a-potty real quick grabbed a towel at the time I didn't know what it was and then she comes over to the cops and the cops grabbed the baby."

Candy was arrested and charged with child abuse and reckless endangerment. The baby is currently in stable condition at a local hospital.

It's too bad that the baby didn't know what was about to go down, because she could've pulled out Candy's uterus as she was sliding out so this fuckery doesn't happen again! I mean, this was unnecessary! All Candy had to do was bring the baby out and scream, "BABEH 4 SALEZ." Both St. Angelina Jolie and Vadge would've magically appeared with their checkbooks in hand.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

Naomi Campbell isn't the only supermodel who can cause a bitch to sleep with a baseball bat underneath their bed! Karen Mulder can play that game too. Karen was arrested in Paris yesterday for threatening to whoop her plastic surgeon's ass. The Daily Mail says that 39-year-old Karen told her plastic surgeon to reverse a surgery, but her doctor refused. Instead of flying to Brazil to have the work done there like any normal person would do, Karen got on the phone and made threats.

A French detective (picture Olivier Martinez without pants on to make this quote more interesting) said, "She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed."

Karen is no stranger to crazy. She spent some time in a psychiatric hospital after she lost it during a TV interview. In the interview, Karen said she was used as a sex slave during her modeling days and said that her father used to hypnotize her when she was little. Her father blamed her lunacy on ze drugs....

Wait. Hold up. You can end up in handcuffs if you threaten and scream at a ho over the phone!? Please don't tell Mah Boo's doorman about this.

You know, I shouldn't joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I'll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I'm fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It's serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I'm a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn't reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.

When Miriam Sakewitz watches Peter Cottontail or Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, bitch probably creams her chonies non-stop (it's like creamed carrots), because she is crazy for bunnies. Bonkers 4 bunnies. You could call her a bunnyhead or a bunny-holic. If there's a bunny around, she wants to get her portly paws on it!

The 47-year-old, who was nicknamed "Bunny Lady" by the locals in Portland, Oregon, was arrested on Tuesday at a hotel after a maid found dozens of bunny rabbits hopping around in her room. This was a direct violation of Miriam's probation, because in 2006 a judge ordered her loontardian ass to stay at least 100 yards from any bunny rabbit. Why do I picture Bugs Bunny winking at her from 100 yards and trying to lure her over with his fluffy tail?

In 2006, police discovered 250 bunnies inside Miriam's home and 100 dead bunnies in her freezer. Bitch's house was like the inside of Richard Gere's ass (he has since upgraded from gerbils)!

The bunnies were taken from her, but you can't keep a crazy bunny hoarder down for long, because she broke into the facility where they were being stored and stole them back. She was arrested and a judge put on her probation for 5 years.

In 2007, Miriam struck again! Her probation officer got a vewwwwy vewwwwwy strange feeling that Miriam was shacking up with bunnies again. A bunny wasn't found in her house, but the officer did find a 10-pound bag of carrots. Miriam was sentenced to 3 days in jail.

They need to just stick this ho in a cage filled with bunny butt nuggets and throw away the key, because precious bunnies don't deserve this shit! All bunnies are sweet and lovely. Actually, not all. I had a pet bunny once who bit my fingers every time I tried to pet him. I didn't mind it though, because he winked at me a lot and kept himself pretty by always making sure his eyes were perfectly lined with liquid liner.

And how long before we see this bunnyhead on Obsessed?

Source

David Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin's daughter. Sarah Palin got mad. David Letterman apologized. David Letterman apologized again. Sarah Palin accepted his apology. These people did not.

A group of protesters gathered outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater yesterday to demand that CBS deliver Letterman's head to them! I'm glad they did, because they are hilarious! In a totally scary way, but still hilarious. Most of them should be writing for SNL! I mean, where did they come up with shit like "David Letterman will rape you with his mouth"? Or "Do you know what schmuck means in Jewish?" Or "How dare he when he has a bastard son and a slut for a wife!"

If I saw them eating tapioca pudding in a diner, I'd think they were just a group of sweet old ladies who blush even when the word "dang" is used in their presence. Who knew!

Richard & Sal from the Howard Stern show pretending to make out in the background is just the cherry on top. They did it again.

Source: New York Magazine

A ring of black smoke appeared over Kings Dominion, an amusement park in Virginia, and officials say it came from the Volcano ride. Not everyone is buying it. Some loons think it was a UFO filled with aliens. Some think Kirstie Alley was just in town and had Mexican for lunch. And then there's Denna Smith. Denna told a local news station that she fully believes it was a SIGN FROM GOD!!!!

Denna said that knows for a fact it wasn't smoke, because smoke "looks smoky." Thank you, esteemed professor of chemistry. Denna went on to explain that it was a perfect circle, "like a cut in the middle of the sky." Denna knows it was a sign delivered by God himself. She said, "I'm not sure what that sign meant."

It was a sign telling you that you've got the CRAZIES. Oh and the sign also wanted to say that even know you're crazy, your lip liner is stunning.

VIA Buzzfeed

The keeper of the unicorns was almost trampled to death by a mob of horny hyenas in NYC today. RPattz was making his way back to his trailer on the set of his movie Remember Me when the fangirls were unleashed and tried to impregnate themselves by dry fucking him. I can smell the chonie cheese from here and it's thick!

Somebody give them the q-tip! Turn the hose on them! Give them a squeaky toy to hump on! What am I blabbing about? None of that would work! Even if you tasered their asses and peppered them in the eyes at the same time, they still wouldn't let up. These psychos had a whiff of RPattz's magic dust and they are in the zone! Nothing can stop them.

The city of New York should probably keep a judge on set at all times to hand out restraining orders, because these crazy bitches are thisclose to crawling through the shit pipe to get into his trailer.

That being said, this whole scenario would be considered perfectly sane if you replaced RPattz with Prince Hot Ginge and the curly-haired loon in the plaid with me.

And there's video:

Since Tom Cooze's last two movies (that Nazi cacaness and that lamb shit) didn't even make enough money to cover his monthly anal bleaching bill, he is going back to a sure thing: the Mission Impossible series. J.J. Abrams tells TVGuide (via Coming Soon) that he will once again deal with Tommy's craziness in order to produce Mission Impossible 4.

J.J. said, "I am incredibly honored that Tom has invited me back as a producer on Mission: Impossible 4. Tom and I have come up with a really cool idea we are pursuing."

Joo know what's a mission impossible? Getting me to see a Tom Cooze movie without lying to me by saying that the theater makes their popcorn with Valium oil and that they sell Junior Weed Mints at the counter. Okay, can somebody please start selling Junior Weed Mints. Thank you.

I hope the "cool idea" they are pursuing is casting Suri Cruise as the villainess with anti-depressants as her henchmen.

Devout Catholic Mel Gibson kind of broke the rules when he knocked up his whore, but don't you dare talk about it! If you gossip about it, Mel will shut you down! That's what Mel apparently told the congregation at Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA during Sunday mass. Radar says that Mel pretty much knocked Jesus off the cross, got up on there and went on a crazed rant about all the gossip in the church. And the church statues cracked from laughing so hard......

A witness said that Mel lost it (but did he ever have "it"?) in front of two priests and a bishop, “Mel got up on his stage -- the altar -- and went off. He tried to intimidate the parishioners by staring at everyone with his angry eyes. Mel even threatened to shut down the church if people kept gossiping about him. The bottom line is that if Mel hadn’t cheated on his wife and gotten his Russian girlfriend pregnant, there wouldn’t be much to gossip about – he created this mess, and now he’s trying to control it."

You know, it would've been okay for God to aim his Nerf gun loaded with a bolt of lighting at Mel and strike him down. An act of GOD! I'm sure he would've gotten the Nobel Peace Prize or at least a gift certificate to In 'N Out (which is even better).

It sounds like it's time for a good ole' excommunication partay!!!

The other day I made a joke that Susan Boyle was the second coming of Brit Brit.... Well, it might sort of be coming true, because the cat lady has cracked a bit. Daddy Spears, please get on the next Cheeto jet to London.

The Sun is saying that shortly after Susan Boyle placed second on Britain's Got Talent, she kind of melted and had to be shuffled off to a private clinic so she can sleep the crazy away. Just keep the hair clippers away from her!

Apparently, Susan wasn't in a good place before the finale. Crazy doctors were brought in to talk to her. It didn't help, because she burst into tears backstage right after her performance. Susan was reacting to the audience booing when judge Piers Morgan said she should win. After the show, Susan went back to her hotel room where sources say she was acting strange. So strange that the police and paramedics had to be called.

A witness who saw the whole sad affair said, "When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn't make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance. It was all done very calmly. They didn't want to stress or upset her. She didn't look well - she looked lost, not all there."

A rep for the show confirmed that Susan is in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun). They said she suffered from exhaustion and just needs a few days to rest....... in a padded room...... while wearing a straitjacket.

Susan is too precious and fragile for this ugly cruel world. She should crawl into her bed, cuddle with her cat friend and then sing herself to sleep. When she's ready, the world will be here ready to embrace the rainbow that pours out of her mouth when she serenades us. And if she ever needs the number of a good "doctor" who can prescribe some good shit to help her deal with the fuckery, she knows where to find me.