Crazy

The other day I made a joke that Susan Boyle was the second coming of Brit Brit.... Well, it might sort of be coming true, because the cat lady has cracked a bit. Daddy Spears, please get on the next Cheeto jet to London.

The Sun is saying that shortly after Susan Boyle placed second on Britain's Got Talent, she kind of melted and had to be shuffled off to a private clinic so she can sleep the crazy away. Just keep the hair clippers away from her!

Apparently, Susan wasn't in a good place before the finale. Crazy doctors were brought in to talk to her. It didn't help, because she burst into tears backstage right after her performance. Susan was reacting to the audience booing when judge Piers Morgan said she should win. After the show, Susan went back to her hotel room where sources say she was acting strange. So strange that the police and paramedics had to be called.

A witness who saw the whole sad affair said, "When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn't make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance. It was all done very calmly. They didn't want to stress or upset her. She didn't look well - she looked lost, not all there."

A rep for the show confirmed that Susan is in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun). They said she suffered from exhaustion and just needs a few days to rest....... in a padded room...... while wearing a straitjacket.

Susan is too precious and fragile for this ugly cruel world. She should crawl into her bed, cuddle with her cat friend and then sing herself to sleep. When she's ready, the world will be here ready to embrace the rainbow that pours out of her mouth when she serenades us. And if she ever needs the number of a good "doctor" who can prescribe some good shit to help her deal with the fuckery, she knows where to find me.

Well, the adorable baby friend in the corner does have Keanu Reeves' mange and overcast eyes, so it's possibly possible!

This is 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario in Canada. Karen swears on her collection of crack pipes that Keanu Reeves is the father of her four adult children. Karen is asking the courts to force Keanu to submit a sample of his dick butter, so the truth can finally be revealed.

Krazy Karen claims she has known Keanu since she was 9 and he was 7. According to Krazy, she and Keanu busted nuts for years. Krazy and Keanu were even doing sessy times right before she got married to another dude. Krazy admits that she's a huge ho fo sho, so she's not exactly sure which one of her kids is related to Keanu. But she thinks one of her sons kind of looks like Keanu...... if you down a bottle of MD and do the Reeves squint (just imagine him trying to figure out what 17 minus 9 is) before looking at him.

Krazy also adds that when her kids were little, Keanu and his family would buy them gifts.

This is the best part of this whole thing. Krazy's kids are aged 20 to 25 and she's never been married to Keanu, but she still wants child AND spousal support! Krazy is asking for $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Why do I suspect that this whole plan was born during a 12-hour binge under a bridge somewhere after Krazy watched Johnny Mnemonic in the kitchen of her dealer's house.

Keanu's spokeswhore laughed until her pussy fell off and then released this statement: "Karen Sala's allegations are completely false and absurd. Mr. Reeves has no knowledge of who she is. Before you disparage my client and lend validity to this, there's clearly something wrong with someone who claims child support after all the kids have grown. I'm just pointing that out."

SPOILER ALERT: Maury says....Keanu is not the father, but an 8-ball is. Okay, I need to stop! Is that the face of a woman who would tell a lie? Okay, it is, but you can't hate on Krazy for trying! The price of cigarettes has gone up!

Source: The Star (Thanks Jennifer)

Everyone, everyone! It's time to visit with our favorite cuckoo philosopher, so that she can sprinkle whack-a-doodle cookies all around us! This time Roseanne is yapping about the evil glitter-hating American Idol! Even Arnold Schwartargarnagarzr (don't make me google for the correct spelling on a Saturday) makes a little cameo in her latest diatribe. And so does Pat Boooone! Put on your aluminum dunce caps and read on:

the u.s. elections! it's all for show and has no substance, offensive homophobic sexist and hateful. the closeted gay guy who goes to church won over the gay guy who is "out".

simon fuller never tells the truth, because the truth is that simon fuller hates originality and talent, and only likes what is common and hack. That is what american record buyers support--same shit different day... the white guy who sings with an emotional catch in his voice that little girls can have safe romantic sexual fantasies about. FUCKIN pat boone YUCK! cancel this atrocious show. the new girl looks like a boy in her bikini...she probably has a dick too. its all bullshit, just like everything else is all bullshit here, starting with that governor, an austrian closet case who hangs around with my ex husband who is a complete sociopathic LOON!

So basically Roseanne is saying that everyone involved in American Idol is gay? Gay or a tranny. That's basically what she's saying, right? Actually, I think she's saying EVERYONE on this planet we all live in is either gay or a tranny. Sounds sexy to me! Weeeeeee!

This is why whenever Roseanne's crazy bus comes rolling around, I run into the street and flag her down. Bitch makes about as much sense as a mute Chihuahua, but she always makes for great entertainment and that's all that counts. I mean, she used the words "Pat Boone, LOON and YUCK" in one post. AND she also thinks that Kara DioFUCKOFFALREADY's tuck game is weak. Now that is some shit I can co-sign.

Source: Roseanne's World VIA ONTD

Tuesday night, Simon Cowell's favorite nipple pincher, Terri Seymour, was leaving the Idol finale when a 200lb loontardian attacked her and tried to choke her down! The police swept in and 33-year-old Janice Thibodeaux was arrested. Yesterday, Janice spoke to Radar (from her luxurious jail cell) and said it was all a misunderstanding and she wasn't trying to kill a trick. Janice basically says, "Simon strangled MAH lady, so I strangled hiz!" K-R-A-Z-Y (but not cool).

Janice says, “I wasn’t cool with Simon Cowell choking Paula Abdul on the show last week and with her crying-out ‘help’ as he did so. Nobody said anything about that so I wanted to confront him about it because that is not appropriate behavior, is it? She (Terri) was taking some photographs with her camera and I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done with Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police but I don’t regret what I did because of what Simon did to Paula, nobody seemed to care about that.”

Janice also says she used to be a security guard on American Idol. Yeah, the crazy ho probably got fired when she was caught licking a toilet Paula just used. Well, you know it's true. Don't hate for me that image, hate Janice Crazydoughs!!

Paula is like a goddess to the insane! They will do whatever it takes to shimmy out of their straitjackets, attack the orderless with a shank made out of a toothbrush and bust of the loony bin just so they can get close to their shiny-eyed insane QUEEN. Cowell better watch it, because his precious hair part might be in danger.

What's it about American Idol and the loons? Paula's stalker, Paula herself, Tatiana Del Toro and now this crazy bitch who tried to choke the caca out of Terri Seymour? They should hand out ludes before every Idol taping, because some hos just need to calm down!

TMZ says that while Simon Cowell's ex titty fluffer, Terri Seymour, was leaving the finale last night, some maniac came up to her and asked if she was Simon's lady. The crazy bitch then tried to get her hands on Terri's froat, so she could choke her ass! The coppers arrived and took the alleged choker, Janice Thibodeaux, down to the big house. 200lb Janice was arrested and is currently being held on $52,7000 bail. Janice's brother and sister told TMZ that she isn't crazy. That's exactly what my family tells people when asked what's wrong with me. But seriously, they knew that bitch was crazy, because she probably pulled the wings off of butterflies as a child.

And why would I not be surprised if Janice Thibodeaux turned out to be Paula Abdul in a fat suit she bought at the Norbit lot sale? Janice Thibodeaux is the name she gives to her back alley pharmacists.

While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:

MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher's cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.

I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call "Hamlet." Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff's phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, "I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."

What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss' hair is his long-lost mommy, so he's totally being tricked!

Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn't return Hamlet.

You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.

Someone must have fed Janice Dickinson vodka after sundown yesterday, because she went on a rampage outside of Nobu! Janice unleashed her claws at the pappies after one said she was a "distraction." Janice meant to do some major damage, because she flashed her Janey's Got A Gun nalgas at them. Lenses shattered!

Not only did drunk ass Janice have to worry about keeping her drunk barfs at bay, but she also had to make sure the pappies weren't getting pictures of her cougar chocha. Janice should know better by now and put a collar on it.

As much as I love seeing Janice acting like this, she really needs to save her rage for the jungle. Janice is leaving for Costa Rica soon to film that I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with Heidi and Spencer. I fully expect Janice to release her wrath on both of them until they are nothing but a puddle of liquid plastic on the ground. Then Janice will inject them into her lips (both sets, because that's how she does it).

The mystery surrounding Kate Gosselin's hair has been revealed. Sort of. No, it wasn't revealed on the season finale of Lost last night (although, I think it made a cameo). Kate told Entertainment Weekly all about it.

When asked about sophisticated reverse-mullet, Kate said, "It's my attitude! Everybody wants it. It's work. I have very, very thick hair, so it's not going to work for everybody. I've seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it's just won't work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country."

Um. Little does Kate know that they are actually calling and begging for her hair stylist to chop off his (or her?) own fingers, so this fuggetry can end! Actually, that wouldn't really stop Kate, because her hair stylist could still cut her hair with his feet and it would end up looking the same. And who is this "everybody" Kate is talking about? If by "everybody" she means every piece of roadkill, then I stand corrected!

And if you want Kate's hair, it's not hard to get! Just pour pig's blood over your head, wander out into the middle of the forest and wait. It won't take long before a pack of wild coyotes start attacking your head. After a few minutes, fight them off and you'll walk out of the forest looking just like a Gosselin!

Crystal Samuel had her eatin' shirt on and was all ready to get crazy on an All-Star breakfast at a Waffle House in Clarendon County, SC, but that shit never came! Crystal said that all her friends got their food and started eating, but she sat there waffle-less. That's when their waitress, Yakeisha Ward, told them they couldn't eat from carryout trays inside of the restaurant. Yakeisha told them to take their waffles and get the hell out, but Crystal said they had not paid yet so she didn't understand why they were being kicked out.

After exchanging a few words with Yakeisha, Crystal did the unthinkable. She threw a waffle at Yakeisha! A waffle! Why would you waste that scrumptious piece of griddle heaven?! Throw an egg at her ass or something. Not a waffle!

Well, Yakeisha did not appreciate getting a waffle to the face, so she jumped over the counter and the two started brawlin'. The fight quickly turned into some serious shit when Yakeisha ran to her car and grabbed a gun! Yakeisha shot at Crystal and one bullet grazed her arm. Before the police finally arrived, Yakeisha also hit Crystal in the head with the gun.

Yakeisha was arrested, booked and bailed out. And get this shit, bitch went back to work at Waffle House the next day! They took her shooter ass back! You know they named her head of security too. That's how Waffle House does it.

If you happen to get her as your waitress, make sure to keep your eyes down and order the All-Star but "hold the pistol whip." Oh and make sure to leave a 95% tip or you may have a bullet coming your way!

Crystal pretty much summed up the whole experience by saying, "Bad customer service."

Source: WLTX19 (Thanks Linda)

First of all, that is Paula Abdul with her mother. Her mother is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, right? The Grey Gardens teefs, the eyebrows that are reaching for Jesus and the face that only Dixie Carter's plastic surgeon could love...... Totally beautiful! I see where Paula gets her crazy. Speaking of...

A few days ago, an interview Paula gave to Ladies Home Journal started making the rounds, because she told them that she was addicted to painkillers for a few years and even had to go into rehab for it. They quoted Paula and now she's saying they made everything up! Paula issued this statement to E!:

"I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life. I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility."

She was soaring through a cloud of Vicodin dust during that interview. That's why she doesn't remember.

Paula also needs to quit that "I've never been drunk" noise. Why is it so awful being called a pill-popping drunk?! Some of the history's greatest people were junkies who were a slave to the bottle. Paula shouldn't be ashamed. She should just pop a doll and let them embrace her. Because if she hasn't been drunk or addicted to the good shit, then she's basically saying that she's 100% naturally IN-FUCKING-SANE. Oh, wait. Maybe she is telling the truth after all. Carry on!

Image: Wireimage