Pink

Pink and Carey Hart released this picture of them making a skin bjorn with their arms for their ten second-old daughter Willow, but she made it clear on her website that she only did so because the paparazzi kept stalking out in her anus and she wanted to kill the fire. The paparazzi do know that the year is 2011 and that Pink's government name isn't Angelina Jolie and that 99.9% of the public will be able to fall asleep at night if they don't see a picture of her newborn baby's face? If not, they should really get someone to update their files.

Pink started off her extra long rant by saying that she and Carey donated the money they made from selling the first picture of their baby to Ronald McDonald House and Autism Speaks. Then Pink wrote that she doesn't understand how in the US, magazines and websites don't blur out the faces of the young the same way they do in Europe and the UK. Pink thinks this is just ten scoops of shameful and she also think those who look at pictures of other people's kids are the suppository that is helping to push the wrong shit out.

To anyone out there that buys a magazine, or goes onto a website to look at pictures of other people's children, may you at least think for a second about what you may inadvertently be supporting. We are so appreciative that people are interested in seeing our daughter. We WANT to share our joys with you, but as parents (and new parents), we should be able to govern these decisions, shouldn't we? And to be clear, I'm speaking directly to these "stolen" photographs--paparazzi photos.

So when you see our middle fingers up in all of our pictures, now you know the motivation. It's all we can do to stop images of a newborn baby from being printed without our consent. Can you imagine a world where they would blur out our middle finger to protect a "consumer" over blurring out an innocent child to protect their integrity and privacy?

Thank you for letting me say my peace. Do I expect this letter to change the world? No. But if it plants a seed of awareness, if a politician or an activist or a legislator or a teacher or police officer is prompted to even think about it--let alone engage, I have done my part on behalf of my daughter. Not surprising that lesson one from me to my daughter is to let one's voice be heard.

Pink has a point or two, but there are two sides to this. I never understand why the paps are willing to crack their ankles from chasing after a newborn celebrity baby, because they pretty much look the same. Just take a picture of a dried apricot with closed human eyelids on it, and I'd still say, "CUTE BABY, PINK!" It's just a baby! And I also never understand how some paps climb trees to take pictures of half-naked celebrity kids hanging out in a backyard and they never think to themselves, "Hmmm. Do I realize that this will get me a poke from PedoBear on Facebook?"

But THEN AGAIN, there are famewhoring and clueless parents like Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie who will push Suri out in front of a camera even though she's practically dying inside. And there's someone like Johnny Depp who moved his family to the middle of nowhere in France so that he can have some privacy.

If I was Pink and wanted to stay living in L.A., I'd use a little logic. You know how US magazines never publish titties without a black box or blur puddle over them? Well, whenever I take my kid out I'd just throw a titty mask over her face. That way the magazines HAVE to blur her out. Every problem really is solved with chichis!

(Picture via People)

After being pregnant for what seemed like centuries, Pink's chocha finally exhaled a baby girl in Los Angeles last night. Just picture Pink's pregnant ass twirling above on a ribbon trapeze and birthing her newborn daughter into a water cannon below, which shot her baby straight into her arms as harlequin clowns on neon ladders threw confetti around them. That's pretty much how things went down. Once Pink changed out of her skin tight birthing suit, she and Carey Hart shared the good news with their Twitter followers. Sadly, she didn't name her baby after a whiskey brand like she said she would. Instead she named her baby after a Smith. LIAR.

"We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She's gorgeous, just like her daddy. #beyondblessed"

Willow Sage sounds like so many things to me. It sounds like the AOL screen name of a goth teen circa 1995 who thinks she's impressing all her friends by announcing she's a Wiccan now. It also sounds like the name of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer room spray sold exclusively at select Hot Topic stores. It also might be the name of a poultry rub I bought at Whole Foods a few weeks ago. I could go on and on and on, but I'll just say that Willow was never my favorite Willow character and sage is definitely not my favorite spice. Pink should've gone with something like Queen Bavmorda Cumin. Now, that is a name.

via People

Pink has had a gut full of baby for almost 9 months now, but it feels like there should be a toddler leg hanging out of her cooch and a 2-year-old's hand waving out of her mouth. It really feels like somebody set her gestation period to "elephant," but Pink made the best of it in Malibu yesterday with Carey Hart and their friends.

If you're going to be the maximum amount of knocked up, you might as well look as fabulous as possible while doing so. This is pretty much what Tyne Daly looked like at her Fried Green Tomatoes audition. Pink is so damn happy that it looks like she's screaming HEY-LOOOO in every single one of these pictures. And she gets extra points for wearing a white cotton titty curtain that reveals a 10-second nipple show whenever the wind blows it up.

Never mind that Pink is dressed like a cholita clown extra in a Cirque du Soleil production of Mi Vida Loca (they should really get on that), one of her true gifts is naming babies. Who knew? If Pink was in charge of naming every single baby, we'd have a bunch of toddlers with names usually found on White Oprah's grocery list. This is a good thing. Pink still has about 6 more months of pregnancy to go, but she tells Access Hollywood that she and Carey Hart already have picked out the name Jameson if they have a boy.

“My dad’s name is James, and my brother’s name is Jason. [Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey’s middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson – we like whiskey. That’s a no brainer.”

Naming your child after booze? This is brilliant. It's also a valid reason for having kids. Then I could have a little baby Ron Vicaro and a little baby Bombay Sapphire crawling around. Don't worry, I'd pull a Pink and tell everyone my second cousin's middle name is "Ron" and "Bombay" was the name of my mom's childhood cat, or something like that.

A week after UsWeekly put a magnifying glass up to Pink's womb and diagnosed her with the BABIES!!!!, she has confirmed to Ellen that her days are now filled with pregnancy farts and freaking out about whether she's going to caca on the labor table. Alecia Moore and Carey Hart are contributing to the overflowing human race and having a baby. A baby who will probably grow up not knowing the hell a plastic bag is. Now that plastic bags are banned in L.A., what is my mother going to put over her head when she gives herself a hot oil treatment. L.A. needs to think of the thirsty follicles out there! But I digress...

Pink tells Ellen why she wasn't shouting the news from the top of her Twitter, "I was just really nervous. I have had a miscarriage before, but if I was going to talk about it with anyone, it was going to be with you. I worked for it...It was not an 'Oops.'" Pink says they aren't too sure if their baby friend has a peen or poon, but she's leaning towards the latter, "But the doctor kind of told me what she thinks. I'm terrified because she thinks it's a girl! My mom has always wished me a daughter just like me,. I'm terrified one of us will go to jail."

Usually a platinum pompadour only works on a bitch whose first name is "Wayne" and whose last name is "Cochran" but Pink is pulling that shit off in a "divorcee who works part-time as a perfume spray girl" kind of way.

via CTV

Carey Hart (which sounds like Mimi's nickname for her heart-shaped pussy bush) has always done things to me. It's because there was this nasty ass dirty skater boy in high school who made me swoon where it counts. Dude reeked like doggy bath water but I knew it was true love when he asked me to rip off one of his scabs really fast. No, I didn't sleep with his scab under my pillow. Okay, I'm not that sucio. I kept it in a Ziploc bag in my panty box (my Ikea drawers were broken at the time) like a normal person!

So what I'm trying to say here is that if I was Pink, I'd probably have a dozen babies crawling around inside me by now. They'd still be inside because the exit would be blocked by Carey's peen. Google map that shit and find another way out, little bitches. I didn't mean to get all science fiction on you this morning, so let's move on....

UsWeekly is saying that Pink's uterus currently has a No Vacancy sign over it, because a fetus has checked in. Pink and her husband Carey haven't confirmed this shit yet, but a source type said she's about 12 weeks along and she's going to take time off between touring. Pink and Carey hit the pause button on their marriage a couple of years ago, but now things are stronger than ever. That's what the source says anyway, "She’s really happy, and she’s excited she got pregnant so fast! She’ll be a brilliant mother.”

My abuelita co-signs that "brilliant mother" part since Pink recently said that she's a disciple of the Church Of Beating The Bad Out Of Your Kids. Yup, she will be adding a switch to her baby registry.

Pink's baby isn't even trying to come out of her cooch screaming. It's going to come out with its mouth closed, its legs crossed and its tiny hands on its lap all polite-like. It's first words will be, "Yes, ma'am."

If you're ever around Pink and your kid starts conjuring smiles out of Satan by acting up, she will graciously hold your pocket book while you throw a spankity spank. Pink tells Access Hollywood (via SS) that some brats needs to be set right with a dose of WHOOP THAT TRICK :

“I think parents need to beat the crap outta their kids… I think the whole spanking thing and how it’s gotten all PC (politically correct) is for the birds. My dad put me through a wall; it’s the only reason I’m still alive. I deserved it. I would have kicked me out when I was eight… I was not comfortable with authority or rules. I was bad.”

This is obviously Pink's way of trying to get my abuelita to buy one of her albums and it's totally going to work.

This is why I only trust a team of professional master doms to strap me into a harness. Pink has been doing Cirque dude Soleil shit in her shows for years, so it was only a matter of time before one of those stunts put her ass in the hospital. During a concert in Germany last night, Pink's bumbling ass dancers failed to secure her in a harness correctly and she went flying directly into a barricade. You can hear Pink screaming "NO NO" like me when the free clinic technician asks me where I'm bleeding from. The BOOM is at the 0:45 mark in the video below:

Since nothing soothes a bruise like a bunch of curse words, Pink hurled a "motherfucker" or two before being shuffled off to the hospital. The show was cut short and everyone was told to go home. Pink later apologized and her Twatter and said that she's going to be fine:

To all my nurnberg fans- I am so so so sorry to end the show that way.I am embarassed and very sorry. I'm in ambulance now but I will b fine
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

@PinkFacts didn't get clipped in2 harness correctly,drug me off stage, fell in2 barricade. Getting xrays.I hope it at least looked cool!!!
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter in reply to PinkFacts

Ok all my lovers out there- nothings broken, no fluid in the lungs, just seriously sore. I made that barricade my b*tch!!!! Thanx nurnberg:(
about 15 hours ago via UberTwitter

More like the harness made Pink its bitch. Seriously, you can't trust two bitches in tutus to do a master dom's job!

If Pink could, she would wear a furry bra made out of Kanye West's nut bush and chaps made out of his skin (how very Buffalo Bill of her). I think we all do, but Pink has her own reasons. At Stella McCartney's fashion show in March, Kanye made Pink so angry that she could've eaten a strap-on. In an interview with FHM (via The Sun), Pink says that Kanye West hates furry little creatures.

Pink said, "Kanye West is the person pissing me off right now. I was at STELLA McCARTNEY's Paris fashion show with the vice president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PAUL McCARTNEY and Kanye West. The entire time Kanye is going, 'They need more fur in this show'. He just wouldn't shut up about how he loved fur. I mean, he's saying this to me, the PETA guy and Paul McCartney! I was just so grossed out by him. I'm like, 'You're an idiot!' There are so many people who I think are a waste of skin and he's up there. I should wear him. Go on, donate yourself Kanye. People can wear your fur."

Kanye's MacBook Air can stop shaking in fright, because I doubt this has made the mighty Lord of the Caps-Lock mad. In fact, Pink gave him an idea. Why wear animal fur when you can wear something even better: A KANYE SKIN SUIT! Kanye popped a nut thinking of a world with a million Kanyes walking around. Cloning gone wrong! Thank you for that, Pink.

Last year, Pink and Carey Hart threw their 2-year marriage in a coffin and buried it. Pink even slagged off Carey in that song "So What." It didn't bother Carey, because he shot a cameo in the video. Well, he's back to shooting loads on her pecs (I'm sorry, that was unnecessary in the AM), because they are giving their ole' relationship another go.

Carey told The Sun, “We’re working shit out, I admit it. She’s just totally normal and low-key.”

Oh, dicks! Now I'll have to cross Pink's name off my shortlist of possible new partners in pussy for SamRo. I'm still going to win the office pool, though. Well, because I'm the only one in the office. Everyone's a winner!

And I know Pink is not wearing a banana clip in the picture above, but the shit in her hair reminded me of one. We really need to bring back the banana clip. It really didn't get enough time in the spotlight. I love banana clips, because it makes everyone look like an 80s homecoming queen who moonlights as a titty dancer at a club off the highway.