Kelly Osbourne

Kelly Osbourne is giving this rehab shit another go since I guess it didn't stick the first time. These things happen. The Shiba Inu 6 break up, so you drown your sorrows in some of the bad shit. Then you wake up in the gutter with chapped nipples and a leaky ass. I'm not speaking from experience or anything....

Sharon Osbourne says Kelly is indeed in rehab! She confirmed it to RadarOnline: "Yeah, Kelly's in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we're proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she's getting it. We just pray that everything's going to be okay. This is one of the absolute worst things that a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab. And not once, but twice."

Sharon said the whole family has been busy lately working on their variety show (NOT ANOTHER VARIETY SHOW!!!) for Fox. Sharon kept her mouth shut on what Kelly's poison is. She said Kelly will tell us all herself when she busts out of the tank. Star Magazine claims Kelly's at Hazelden in Oregon.

Okay, back to that variety show shit. That's what drove Kelly to jump off the wagon with both hands waving in the air! We may all need rehab after watching it. But seriously, I hope Kelly's Shiba Inu puppy is okay after going through all of this shit. Sharon should set up a webcam for it, so I can care for it. I have experience being a mother to Shiba Inu puppies. Hundreds of hours of experience. If Sharon needs a resume, I can show her my Firefox history from November through December.

No, she wasn't arrested for wearing that lipstick. She was arrested for slapping a whore who called her fiance "stupid." Kelly obviously learned from her mother that when a bitch talks shit about your loved ones, the best way to handle it is to spank them in the teefs.

The shit went down last August inside a club in London when gossip columnist Zoe Griffin made fun of Kelly's dude Luke Worrall for not knowing what an earthquake is. Kelly flipped out and allegedly slapped Zoe. In her column in The Mirror, Zoe quoted Kelly as saying, "I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he's upset." The two started arguing and that's when Zoe felt Kelly's hand on her mug.

The police in London confirmed that a 24-year-old chick was arrested by appointment. She was given a court date in March and was released back into the world on bail.

If you don't know what an earthquake is, you definitely have a "vacancy" sign hanging inside your skull. Kelly slapped the wrong bitch. Kelly should've busted a fist earthquake on her man's head instead for not knowing what that shit is. Don't hate on a truth-teller.

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Real talk. Those girls in the back are going crazy for the Shiba Inu puppy. They don't even notice Kelly Osbourne, because Shiba Inus are the new Jonas Bros. And they have better howling voices and aren't ashamed to lick their genitals out in the open. I know Kelly's puppy isn't a member of the Shiba Inu 6, but seeing his face still made me go on over to their old home on the web. Do me a favor, don't go there! It's so fucking depressing. It's missing six PUPPIES!!! trying to commit first-degree murder on each other. The empty Shiba Inu puppy cam is what the inside of my heart looks like.

In her younger days, Kelly Osbourne was a drunk druggie slut who passed her bare vagina around like she was Sienna Miller at a Married Men's Convention. Kelly says those days are over, but she's still worried about possibly catching STDs.

She tells the Daily Mail: "Alcohol and drugs impair your judgment. I know it's because I was drunk that I had unprotected sex. I'm not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I'm not afraid to talk about contraception. I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested (for sexually transmitted infections) and most of the time I don't even need to. I just go for peace of mind."

Correction: She won't talk about her sex life unless there's a reporter in front of her who will publish it in some kind of major paper.

It's a good thing she gets tested several times a year. I mean, she did use to hang out with Parasite Hilton. I need to head down to the free clinic every time I stare too long at a picture of Wonky McValtrex.

And I'm sure most of those celebrity whores are forced to get checked several times a year. Shit. Wonky McValtrex probably has a lab in her own house. It's a requirement if she wants to stay off the CDC's "Most Wanted" list.

A faulty cupboard is to blame for Kelly Osbourne's jacked up eye. Kelly was at home with a "stomach bug" (aka mega diarrhea) when she went to grab a glass from her kitchen cupboard. The bitch must be strong because the entire cabinet came crashing down on her, cutting her temple and busting up her eye. I fucking bet you that cupboard came from Ikea and Ozzy Osbourne installed it. Either that or the cabinet was sick of hearing her bitching and moaning.

Kelly's spokeswhore said, "She was suffering from a stomach upset all weekend, which meant she couldn't go out anywhere, and then this happened. She is fine now, though."

And if suffering from a raccoon eye and shitty ass wasn't bad enough, Kelly has also learned that her show "Project Catwalk" (the UK version of Project Runway) has been canned!

Oh well! Kelly, hold your shitty asshole and drown your sorrows in a big bottle of Jack Daniels! It's the cure for everything.

Kelly Osbourne left her house in London today looking like she just went toe-to-toe with Vadge's roided-up vagina and LOST! Kelly wouldn't say how she got the shiner.

Kelly, whatever you do, don't blow your nose! My friend recently got a black eye from being a drunken mess and bitches kept telling him not to blow his nose at all! I guess it makes it worse. If you can't blow your nose, how are you going to get the jizz out after facials? That's my question.

Here's more of busted up Kelly with her pretty boyfriend on their way to the doctor's office.

Somebody had too many kamikaze shots. A pap claims Kelly Osbourne was escorted out of a club in London, because she couldn't stand up! That's why bars have bathrooms! You lock yourself in a stall and take a little nap. If a bathroom stall isn't available, nap under a table. The kicks from the people above will rock you to sleep.

Kelly managed to get home, but the paps say she almost exposed her coochie while falling out of her cab. She walked across the street to her house and walked into a wall. Been there, done that. At least she got into her house. There's been times where I got drunk and lost my house keys in the bar! It's hard trying to sleep off the booze in a hallway or in bushes.

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese's outfit or else! If she doesn't do it, she'll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here's Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, "I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I'm very careful about what I eat." Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won't tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don't hold a candle to Dita's glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she's suffering from cokey mouth?

Kelly Osbourne performed "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on ITV's "Guilty Pleasures" this past Saturday. The show asks bitches to perform their favorite guilty pleasure song. Kelly was fucking amazing. She has the voice of a thousand angels wrapped up in a cashmere blanket. I want to burn the song into special earphones and have these earphones surgically implanted into my ears, so I can listen to her song 24 hours a day. I'm just licking your butt lips. She fucking sucked.

They need to ban that song from karaoke bars too. Every time I go to karaoke there is one drunk ass college bitch that has to butcher the fuck out of that song. She's usually had three too many Long Island Iced teas. It's even worse when her friends join in and it's like a drunk slut chorus.

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Tara Reid is most likely not even drunk in these pictures. Her face just always has that drunk look. It's probably years and years of being a drunk whore that her face just kind of molds that way every now and again. I love that she's wearing such a lady-like CZ necklace. I know where that ended up by the end of the night. Anal beads!

Speaking of lit, here's Kelly Osbourne in London last night. Now that she's a skinny bitch, she can't hold her booze. Oh the life of a no-talent celebrity! Up all night, sleep all day! That's right....ahhhhhhh....Sorry, I have that Slaughter song in my head.