Kelly Osbourne

Does having jaundice got you down and has kept you from leaving the house out of fear that everyone will mistake you for a Lohan? Kelly Osbourne, seen here at the Art of Elysium gala thing, has your answer. Accentuate that jaundice, bitch! Just dye your hair a lovely shade of ash, mix together three drops Pepto-Bismol and a spoonful of Milk of Magnesia, smear that shit on your lips and BAM! Then when everybody at the party is trying to hook your face up to an IV drip full of nutrients, shoo their asses away as you let them know that it's all about the "Cosplay Grandma Simpson found washed up on the shores of a swamp after partying at an 80s disco all night" look right now and they better catch up. Jaundice is in!

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).

Somewhere up in a smoke room in heaven, Bob Marley is toking with the angels to burn away the memory of Miley Cyrus blowing out her 19 birthday candles on a cake with his face on it. The Daily posted this video from Miley's birthday party last weekend of her telling her friends that "you know you’re a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake — you know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed.” Kelly Osbourne, who's in the video and makes a salvia joke, immediately jumped onto her Twatter after this video came out to defend Marijuana Montana:

let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also

A JOKE! it makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called 'friends' would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!

u guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possible do all that if she was a stoner! #think

If I was Miley Cyrus and had a dad who always gets caught fucking a box of Corn Pops in the family kitchen and a brother who always kicks me in the knees when I walk up behind him, I'd have a vaporizer permanently attached to my breathing holes. But Miley needs to keep her weed smoking ways to herself before she really ruins it for everyone. When Miley got caught smoking "salvia," prudish bitches called for a ban on it. So now thanks to this video, those same prudish bitches will fight the legalization of the good shit. They'll tell parents everywhere that if their snowflakes smoke weed, they'll brains will turn to molasses and their vocal cords will turn into a scratching post just like Miley! But Miley's not like that because she hits the bong. Miley's like that because Billy Ray took that extra swig of moonshine while conceiving her in the back alley of a Friendly's.

Miley really does ruin everything.

Kelly Osbourne's break-up from Luke Worrall, the Children of the Damned refugee who fell into an episode of SKINS, was about as pleasant as chewing on an aluminum foil dick (exhibit: A), and it seems like the crusty, juicy scabs on her hurt feelings are far from being healed. (Side whisper: Am I the only sick bitch who kept a scab meat collection in a Snapple bottle as a child? Don't answer that.)

Kelly bit off the head of her engagement and spit it into the trash when she found out that Luke was passing his peen to model Elle Schneider, who is in the process of turning her peen into a poon. Kelly tells the UK's Glamour Magazine (via The Sun) that Luke cheating on her with a fugster from the fug garden would've been easier to deal with than Luke cheating on her with a transsexual. That bronzer bruise on Kelly's face that Amanda Lepore just made by throwing her a high-powered icy glare isn't going to rub off. Kelly should just give it a name and learn to love it, because it's there to stay. Don't fuck with Mandy.

This is the mess that came out of Kelly's mouth:

"Having to tell my parents my ex-fiancé Luke had cheated on me with a tranny was so humiliating. Everyone kept telling me that Luke was cheating on me, but I never believed them. It's hard enough to get your head around someone cheating on you... but when when someone is a chick with a dick? I'd always thought the worst way to get cheated on would be with an ugly girl."

Bitch needs to wrap that "chick with a dick" shit in puff pastry and feed it to Xtina. Then Kelly needs to get mouth-reassignment surgery. No, but seriously, coming from someone whose ex-boyfriends have cheated on him with all kinds of trick, it hurts all the same, pretty much. If a bitch cheats on you with a bald walking fupa whose got moles on its teeth and eyebrows over its upper lip, it hurts. If a bitch cheats on you with a supermodel goddess whose got an asshole that tastes like candy apple and a 9-inch deep belly button that doubles as an extra fuck hole, it hurts. It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.

The truth is, the only time I didn't feel so bad about a ho cheating on me was when the piece he was down low dicking on the side was a woman. It didn't feel better because she had a vagine. It felt better and I understood because her name was Crystal. My name is Michael. Her name is Crystal. What name would you rather call out while riding on a melodic orgasm? Exactly.

Back when Kelly Osbourne had a fupa that couldn't quit and an open invitation to join Celebrity Fit Club, she claims that Xtina constantly Mean Girl-ed her by calling her a fat fat fatty bitch. Well, now that Kelly's chunk has slid off of her body and made its way to the thighs of Snookitina, she's returning the favor. Kelly has already said on an episode of Fashion Police that Xtina called her fat for so many years and "who's the fat bitch now?," and she went back for more this weekend. Joan Rivers' brought up a picture of Xtina at the Michael Jackson Tribute looking like Axl Rose as Hatchet Face and Kelly said that even at her fattest she was never that fat. UsWeekly broke it down:

On E!'s Fashion Police Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

But Ozzy's daughter wasn't the only cohost to attack Aguilera's figure. "Lady Marmalade got into the peanut butter again," Joan Rivers sniped.

"I'm looking at this and thinking, 'Well, she's put on weight. This just isn't flattering,'" George Kotsiopoulos said. "But this is just a crappy outfit, regardless. No matter what shape your body is in, it's just bad."

Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," she said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."

Are we sure Xtina didn't murder the life out of Kelly's favorite puppy and use its red blood as lip paint, because DAMN. Kelly is holding onto that grudge tighter than a pair of Spanx panties holds down Xtina's bloated gunt. Yes, the feeling called sweet satisfaction trickles into my dead heart whenever I go on Facebook and see pictures of my junior high school bullies looking like a swollen anal gland with only two hairs on top, but you don't see me gloating all over their statuses. No, I upload their fugly picture to Hot or Not (yes, Hot or Not still exists) and laugh when they don't even get one star. That's what ADULTS do, Kelly!

There was this seasoned chola who worked in my mom's office and she once took me aside during her lunch break to show me Polaroids she kept in her glove compartment of her cruisin' days before her tattoos looked like pieces from a wrinkled coloring book and before she dyed her hair a lovely shade of Montebello blond (as she puts it). What she looked like in those pictures looks almost exactly like 14-year-old Lourdes at a Material Girl event with Kelly Osbourne in NYC yesterday. The teenage spawn of Madge looks like the spitting image of the seasoned chola office assistant in her glory days!

Well, Lourdes would completely look like the spitting image of a 70s chola if you traded her plain hair for feathered hair wings and traded her yellow dress for a baggy plaid shirt and high-waisted polyester pants. But other than that, it's uncanny!

What I'm trying to say is that if Roberto Benigni (whatever happened to Roberto Benigni anyway) was telling the truth when he said that life is beautiful, then Lourdes will grow up to be a gorgeous Radiology office assistant who smells like a mixture of L.A. Looks gel and Avon perfume, and drives a brown Lincoln with a warped TimeLife oldies cassette stuck in its tape deck. If only!

A flock of pigeons out of Prince's ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price's head, but that didn't stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch's seat when they're not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!

I can already hear you PP haters (let's call you Incontinent-als) asking, "But Michael, it wasn't the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don't Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!") Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I'll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of "Marie - Customer with Car" in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women's restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.

And here's a few pictures from last night's shit (don't worry, I'll get to the attack of Goop's gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.

Brit Brit could use a fine dusting of White Cheddar Cheetos dust to dilute the naranja grease and I wouldn't be mad at her if she let a baby possum eat a few hairs from her brows, but her weave looks fresh out of the plastic bag so I'm going to move on to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.

We've all said that Jason looks like if Sam Trammell tried to shapeshift into a sea turtle and got stuck halfway, but I've always been on the fence about him. And not in a "shimmy my ass on a fence" kind of way. I mean in a "would or wouldn't" kind of way. But after staring at these pictures of him escorting Brit Brit to a benefit for the St. Bernard Project in L.A. last night, I can say with complete confidence that I would.

But this is coming from a bitch who winks on the inside whenever a skinny junkie on the Bowery asks me if I've got a dollar for them in my pocket. Because if anybody looks like he's on his way to a morning job interview set up by his methadone clinic counselor, it's Jason Trawick! Yes, definitely would and I might even give him a pocket dollar afterward.

And at that Hurricane Katrina benefit last night, Brit Brit and Jason were joined by: Kelly Osbourne, Bristol Palin's face idol, Taryn Manning and Hilary Duff.

When the chunk started melting off Kelly Osbourne and she eventually shrunk to the size of a dormouse's pinky, there were some hos saying that she got there from bypassing her gastric like her mom Sharon Osbourne did. At the time, Kelly bagged those rumors with her old big girl jeans, threw it in the river and watched it drown. Kelly basically denied all of this. But now the extremely reputable news source The Daily Star (I know, I know...) is hearing that Kelly is considering cinching her stomach, because she's gained a few pounds.

One of the reasons why Kelly want to pinch her stomach is because she just got a job as the new face of Madge's clothing line and she's afraid she'll get dropped for a skinnier ho. Okay, there are many reasons to get lap band surgery. But one of them is not so you'll lose a job as the face of a brand that is only sold at fucking Macy's. This much I know. But let's read what some source said about this shit, anyway.

Kel's at her wit's end over her weight and is worried she's putting back all the pounds she fought so hard to lose," a friend told the Daily Star Sunday. "She's recently been on holiday and put on ­almost a stone while ­enjoying herself.

"She got a bit of a shock when she got home and realized she couldn't fit into her new clothes. Kelly knows a gastric band would be drastic but she's desperate to keep the weight off.

"Being the face of Madonna's range just adds more pressure. She's scared of getting axed in favor of ­someone skinny if she puts on more weight."

I love how the source called her "Kel" to make it sound more authentic. That is an excellent trick. But if this mess is true, then "Kel" is not only a sad kind of crazy, but she also better book me an appointment with her back alley gastric band doctor too. My bloated stomach looks like if a party clown blew up a skin balloon with hot beer air and shaped it into the shape of a newborn's swole head. So if Kelly needs it, so do I! Or I'll just get me one of those DIY gastric bypass kits.

Source: Digital Spy via Jezebel

Have you ever watched the "adrenaline shot to the heart" scene from Pulp Fiction and thought to yourself that it would make so much more sense if it starred Kelly Osbourne in the Uma Thurman role and Courtney Love in the John Travolta role? No? Yeah, me neither, but Courtney Love says it really happened like that. The truth is, Courtney's hallucinations probably crossed paths in the dusty bowling alley dance floor in her brain and shit got mixed up, but listen to what she has to say anyway.

During a Q&A with fans on VYou, Courtney was asked how long she's been sober. Courtney answered since October '05 and then her crazy train crashed at full speed into Kelly Osbourne's station. Apparently, Kelly and Joan Rivers called Court a "crackhead" during E!'s Fashion Police the other night and bitch didn't appreciate it. Court went into some mumbling rant about how she saved Kelly from dying of an overdose twice! Courtney is a regular Dr. Quinn of the crackhouse!

According to Court, Kelly took a little too much blow and Oxycontin one night, and ended up foaming at the mouth. Court, being the Captain Saveacokeho that she is, did CPR on Kelly and "put things in her boobs."

Can you imagine that scene? Like a MadTV skit. Courtney blowing even more coke dust into Kelly's mouth in between suctioning her nipples with a turkey baster and sticking random syringes into her tits. If Courtney put her mouth on yours and blew, your lungs would turn into dust and the Grim Reaper would show up to cover you in a Hazmat tarp before dragging you into a hot Silkwood shower. So I'm not sure I believe that she's the Vincent Vega to Kelly's Mia Wallace.

Courtney then said that she's sick of being the punchline and Kelly knows how sober she is. Courtney is so sober that she's only had one bump recently, only been drunk a few times this year, drinks rosé and sometimes takes Sonata and Abilify. But that's it!

There are two things I learned while watching this: a) I need to check my free clinic plan to see if they list Courtney Love as one of their back alley pharmacists of choice, because she really knows a lot about meds. b) If I ever overdose on coke and OxyContin, make sure Courtney is not around, because I really don't want our tongues touching ever.