Diddy

Will someone please fetch Anna Wintour a glass of room temperature virgin's blood, because I think she's got a few of her intern's souls stuck in her throat. It's making her throat look obese. Heads will roll for this!

Here's the cryptkeeper of Vogue wearing something that Mrs. Roper queefed up at the premiere of The September Issue in NYC last night. That shit is a documentary about the making of Vogue's mighty September issue. Sienna Miller was there, because her vagina sensed large amounts of married dick in the area. And because she's on the cover of Vogue next month.

Other hos at the premiere were Cassie (who was working a half "The Legend of Billie Jean" buzzcut), Marc Jacobs, his piece, Zac Posen, everyone's favorite lemon-faced beard, Melania Trump, her big sack of money and Diddy.

*Images Removed Per Request*

Well, good morning to some of you. Now here's two little pierced nippies to go with your Sanka. It's just what you ordered, I know. This is Cassie, she's a singer-type, and apparently someone broke into her computer and leaked nekkid pictures of her for the whole entire universe to see (SPOILER ALERT: The evil doer rhymes with Lassie). Seriously, does she have an album coming out or something?

Cassie seemed to shrug off the whole thing when she Twittered about it a few hours ago. SLUT:

IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER...THAT'S REAL FOUL AND EVIL. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE.

She's right. A titty is a titty. We've all seen 'em, had tea with 'em and probably discussed some serious political shit with 'em. So, it's not that shocking. But then I picture Diddy's nasty ass mouth all over Cassie's chichis and that gives me the dry heavies. How many of those nipple bars do you think Diddy has melted with his hot stank bref? It's a good think he's damn rich or I'd have slap Cassie in the mouth for getting with that.

It's also a good thing that she took these pictures before she had that unfortunate incident with a pair of hair clippers, because that would've ruined everything. Bare and pierced tittay (NSFW, duh) is after the jump.

Diddy is having tantric sex 24-hours a day, because he's always stroking his own massive fucking ego. Welcome.

Source VIA The Frisky

I've come to terms with CoCo's transformation as the classiest hooker on the stroll. If that's what she wants to look like now, I will get behind her 100%. Well, not behind her literally, because I think her titanic ass would swallow me whole. Speaking of swallowing, at Diddy's birthday party at Mansion in NYC, the Shauna Sand of the East looked like a sexy python trying to digest a family of mongooses.

The man who is solely responsible for putting Obama in the White House, celebrated his birthday last night. Guests included the most elegant creature in NYC, her pimp, Ben Stiller, Cedric the Entertainer and Mary. J Blige. I guess our Evite got lost in the interwebs. Besides, I would only go to that shit if the invitation said, "brownies will be served."

Douche extraordinaire Diddy voted for Obama in NYC today and while slithering out of the polling place, he told the Associated Press:

"I felt like my vote was the vote that put him into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had."

Okay, maybe Carrie Underwears is right....

And if Obama wins, his first order of business should be appointing Diddy Speaker of the Douchehouse. I mean, he owes him.

Thanks Heather

Douche-faced Mark Ronson (yes, I've fallen out of love) worked one of Diddy's Jizz Parties in the Hamptons recently and he took advantage of the bowl of delicious brownies that was being passed around. Mark claims he didn't know the brownies were filled with scrumptious chronic.

Mark tells Page Six, "I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down. After that, every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really shitty, but I had to play through the set. I couldn't just go up to Puffy and say, 'Sorry, I ate a shit-load of hash brownies, I can't do your White Party.' "

What does he expect? Everything at one of Doody's parties is probably laced with something. In addition to the pot brownies, he has meth pigs in a blanket, coke and cheese tarts and MDMA turkish cigars. That's the only way you can deal with Diddy's circle jerk of a soiree.

I probably would have taken a dozen brownies from the bowl, walked across the street, called in an "anonymous" drug tip and then enjoyed my delicious chocolate leaf goodies while watching the po-po take Doody away in cuffs.

When I was a little baby, my mommy took a picture of my naked ass sitting on chair, eating a carrot (that explains it). Luckily, I was fat as fuck when I was a baby, so my gut hung over my private areas. This picture still haunts me to this very day. Well, it's a good thing my mommy isn't Diddy, because then she would've put my naked shit in the pages of L'Uomo Vogue!

In the October issue, Diddy dressed his twin girls, D’Lila Star and Jesse James, in bow ties and then plopped their bare asses on a fur throw for a totally classy photo shoot! It looks like Hef's twins have some competition!

Methinks Diddy's ego has completely devoured his brains and he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong anymore. Because this mess obviously belongs in the latter. I hope he at least bought them diamond rattles or some shit.

This week I've been ranting and raving about dog caca, so it seems only appropriate that we end the week with these beautiful pictures of Doody....I mean....Diddy stepping into a pile of pooch poo in NYC yesterday. It couldn't have happened to a bigger douche. He probably screamed at that dog shit for not watching where it's going. It's going to hear from his lawyers.

The bodyguard knows what's coming and you can tell he's deciding whether or not he wants to scream "I quit this bitch," or if he wants to get on his knees and actually clean that shit up.

Diddy stepping in a pile of butt nuggets is not sexy, but it's definitely fucking funny.

Dumbass on a webcam alert! Diddy has taken time out from his busy schedule of moisturizng the sexy to respond to the claims that he lied about owning a private jet. While watching the video, try not to focus on his eyebrows. I made that mistake and spent most of the time obsessing about how I'd like to pluck his brows clean.

Diddy says in his vblog that his private jet is registered under the name "Ciroc Obama" and he only owns the wing. He really should have included a laugh track in this video, because the only thing I heard after his joke was the sound of my dog wet farting. Now Diddy knows how I feel.

And make sure to watch it until the end. Diddy singing "biiiiittttcheeeeeees," has put him in the same douche stratosphere as Spencer Pratt.

Diddy recently farted about how he's been forced to fly commercial, because he can't afford to pay the fuel for his private jet thanks to rising gas prices. Well, TMZ reports that Diddy doesn't exactly own a private jet. Maybe he was talking about his Barbie Party Plane?

Federal aviation records don't show Diddy as the registered owner of any private jet. A source said, "I have a list of every plane with the name of the owner, and he's not on it." Did they check all 10,000 of his names?

Diddy's spokesbitch said that he owns a "fractional" ownership in something called NetJets, a company that rents out private jets by the hour.

Oops. Somebody got caught in a lie! Lying is definitely not sexy, Diddy.

Does anybody know of a company that rents out brains by the hour? If a company exists, somebody give Diddy their number.